Christmas without your kids
Discussion
I guess there are others here in the same boat. Either like me, and facing their first year without the family unit, or those who have been there done it.
Figured a bit of moral support might help.
Mine are 13 and 9. Not been allowed to see them unsupervised since she lifted them from the family home in January and so became “primary career 🙄)
Applied for a court order to get shared residency over 7 months ago and am getting nowhere quickly.
SS agree that the kids have both said they want to see more of their Dad and that shares residency is the best outcome.
For now, until a court finally decides, which is going to be months and thousands of pounds, she appears able to use her role as “primary career” to dictate.
So. I saw thenm a bit yesterday, will see them about 2.5 hours on 25th, same on 26th, same the next Saturday,
This time last year we were a happy family unit having a perfectly normal Christmas.
Figured a bit of moral support might help.
Mine are 13 and 9. Not been allowed to see them unsupervised since she lifted them from the family home in January and so became “primary career 🙄)
Applied for a court order to get shared residency over 7 months ago and am getting nowhere quickly.
SS agree that the kids have both said they want to see more of their Dad and that shares residency is the best outcome.
For now, until a court finally decides, which is going to be months and thousands of pounds, she appears able to use her role as “primary career” to dictate.
So. I saw thenm a bit yesterday, will see them about 2.5 hours on 25th, same on 26th, same the next Saturday,
This time last year we were a happy family unit having a perfectly normal Christmas.
Simply, she walked out, made a load of false allegations about emotional abuse towards her and the children (ffs) and made herself primary carer.
That apparently gives her the right to dictate when and how I see the children until a court says otherwise.
First reccomended step is agreement between parents - she refused.
Then it’s mediation - she refused.
Then it’s court as a last resort.
I started that process more than six months ago and it’s still ongoing. Meantime, even though the children are telling me, telling her, telling friends and extended family, and telling the social workers who have been appointed that they want to see more of me, the ex just says know and can dictate everything.
Once you are living it you can really see how blokes end up dressed as batman or on hunger strike. It’s disgusting.
That apparently gives her the right to dictate when and how I see the children until a court says otherwise.
First reccomended step is agreement between parents - she refused.
Then it’s mediation - she refused.
Then it’s court as a last resort.
I started that process more than six months ago and it’s still ongoing. Meantime, even though the children are telling me, telling her, telling friends and extended family, and telling the social workers who have been appointed that they want to see more of me, the ex just says know and can dictate everything.
Once you are living it you can really see how blokes end up dressed as batman or on hunger strike. It’s disgusting.
Don't give up though.
I was in a similar situation this past year. My ex allowed overnight access for 4 nights in a fortnight. I went to court and argued for shared and equal access, which I got.
If CAFCASS are involved, the court will generally adhere to their recommendation. Have they produced a report with their recommendation?
Good luck. 2.5 hours for for Christmas and Boxing Days is mean.
I was in a similar situation this past year. My ex allowed overnight access for 4 nights in a fortnight. I went to court and argued for shared and equal access, which I got.
If CAFCASS are involved, the court will generally adhere to their recommendation. Have they produced a report with their recommendation?
Good luck. 2.5 hours for for Christmas and Boxing Days is mean.
She has no greater “right” than you - there’s no reason why you couldn’t just tell her they are staying with you overnight. I appreciate it’s probably more sensible to comply and be the “more reasonable minded” party in the run up to further court hearings, but if the kids are prepared to stand their own ground when she inevitably shows up ranting then there isn’t much she can do a about it.
It’s not a nice situation for them to be burdened with, but my 7 year old (at the time) sent her mum home in a stand-off once - after her mother tried to physically prise her away when she clung to my neck having refused to comply with the arranged hand-over. At that point I told the ex to simply leave. It took an hour but when the child eventually told her in no uncertain terms she was staying with me that night, her mother did eventually leave.
It sounds as though your kids are already expressing their own wishes clearly and this should be advantageous in court - be glad she did it recently and not when they were 5 or 6 years younger and much more easily manipulated / brainwashed. Good luck.
It’s not a nice situation for them to be burdened with, but my 7 year old (at the time) sent her mum home in a stand-off once - after her mother tried to physically prise her away when she clung to my neck having refused to comply with the arranged hand-over. At that point I told the ex to simply leave. It took an hour but when the child eventually told her in no uncertain terms she was staying with me that night, her mother did eventually leave.
It sounds as though your kids are already expressing their own wishes clearly and this should be advantageous in court - be glad she did it recently and not when they were 5 or 6 years younger and much more easily manipulated / brainwashed. Good luck.
Edited by theboss on Sunday 23 December 19:02
Guy at work; this will be his first Christmas not in the marital home with his kids, fortunately they are early teens so have a voice, they have demanded that he's over for lunch, his "wife" has reluctantly agreed but for lunch only and (believe it or not) he has to pay for his share!
The kids are going to him for Boxing day, however she (wife) got the hump, saying that's not fair as she will be by herself; he won't wake with them on Christmas day, he'll only be there an hour for lunch and then will have to go back to his place by himself for the rest of the day but she's moaning about her hardship.
Must be awful at this time of year for single dads.
The kids are going to him for Boxing day, however she (wife) got the hump, saying that's not fair as she will be by herself; he won't wake with them on Christmas day, he'll only be there an hour for lunch and then will have to go back to his place by himself for the rest of the day but she's moaning about her hardship.
Must be awful at this time of year for single dads.
I feel for you OP . This is the first Christmas for me since our separation last January and I have 50/50 access organised ourselves in what is a fairly amicable situation so it’s as good as it gets compared to others so I know I am fortunate and sorry to here your tale.
My 10 year old is with my ex tomorrow and Christmas day until 2pm and then I have her for three days and going up north to see family but trust me I am dreading waking up on my own Christmas day and not seeing her until 2pm.
I am trying to make the morning like any normal weekend and will go out, roll on 2pm Tuesday.
My 10 year old is with my ex tomorrow and Christmas day until 2pm and then I have her for three days and going up north to see family but trust me I am dreading waking up on my own Christmas day and not seeing her until 2pm.
I am trying to make the morning like any normal weekend and will go out, roll on 2pm Tuesday.
Edited by interstellar on Sunday 23 December 22:44
Tomorrow night I have my ex’s son (my stepson) staying with me whilst my own girls are with their mother. We’ll probably go to the pub (he’s 18) and then Christmas Day will have the girls from 1:30pm until the end of Boxing Day.
Yes it’s never going to be the same as when we were a single family unit. She tends to assert that the kids will stay with her Christmas Eve every year - I don’t think she can bear the thought of waking up without them, whilst obviously happy to consign me to the same without a care in the world.
Self-obsession personified.
Yes it’s never going to be the same as when we were a single family unit. She tends to assert that the kids will stay with her Christmas Eve every year - I don’t think she can bear the thought of waking up without them, whilst obviously happy to consign me to the same without a care in the world.
Self-obsession personified.
Sounds very similar to my situation, so you have my greatest sympathy fella. This is our first Xmas as a non-family after we split in February this year after 15 years. I've managed to get myself my own place and moved in a month ago, but due to financial constraints it's 20 miles away in a cheaper part of the county and near to parents, siblings etc. Daughter is still struggling with it (she is only 7). I had her last night and today and we went to post her letter to Father Christmas at the post box today. I didn't know what she had written, but my dad saw it and told me earlier, it said 'Dear Father Christmas, I all want for Christmas is to see my dad more'. Luckily I'm getting to pick her up on Xmas Day at 5pm until the 28th, but it really doesn't feel like a time to celebrate.
T0M said:
First Christmas not together as 'happy and normal family' since separation in June this year.
It's been an utterly horrific year, but not seeing my 20 month old son from tomorrow morning until Jan 3rd (as she's off on a cruise with her parents for Christmas...) brings me to my knees.
As sIt's been an utterly horrific year, but not seeing my 20 month old son from tomorrow morning until Jan 3rd (as she's off on a cruise with her parents for Christmas...) brings me to my knees.
t Christmas’s go that is an awful situation for you. Chin up mate.T0M said:
First Christmas not together as 'happy and normal family' since separation in June this year.
It's been an utterly horrific year, but not seeing my 20 month old son from tomorrow morning until Jan 3rd (as she's off on a cruise with her parents for Christmas...) brings me to my knees.
+1, terrible situation for you to be in :-( Definitely try to get yourself out Christmas morning, keep your mind occupied. I'm off to do a relatively local Parkrun on the day to pass sometime until pick up time.It's been an utterly horrific year, but not seeing my 20 month old son from tomorrow morning until Jan 3rd (as she's off on a cruise with her parents for Christmas...) brings me to my knees.
This was my life 2ŵ008 until last year. My wonderful son was 12 a few weeks ago. This is the magic age for CAFFCAS to empower most children with legally enforceable choice. He’s now choosing both of us, which is right, although he is incredibly aware and incensed at my ex’s flagrant disregard for us choice and rights aged 4-12.
Do the right thing and never give up OP, your kids will always remember and love you for it. Good luck.
Do the right thing and never give up OP, your kids will always remember and love you for it. Good luck.
It’s a sliding scale on a spectrum of horrific-ness thus isn’t it.
I’ve not seen my daughter for 5 years now after 2 years of shared access. Aged 10 she was alienated against me and my entire family... and once the child voices ‘their opinion’no judge or service over turns that.
You do what you can, move on, re-build.
Ya know the school weren’t allowed to even tell me what her GCSE results were...or what she’sdoing ‘next’.... CSA (always prompt and accurate over how much I should pay) only need to be told over the phone that the resident parent is claiming child benefit... no proof is required.
It does seem an odd situation where it’s in the resident parents’ financial interests to alienate the non-resident....
So the 5th Christmas where my whole family sit around a table with one empty chair..... the living bereaved they call it.
My only advice is to be consistent and to not lose your st ever.
I’ve not seen my daughter for 5 years now after 2 years of shared access. Aged 10 she was alienated against me and my entire family... and once the child voices ‘their opinion’no judge or service over turns that.
You do what you can, move on, re-build.
Ya know the school weren’t allowed to even tell me what her GCSE results were...or what she’sdoing ‘next’.... CSA (always prompt and accurate over how much I should pay) only need to be told over the phone that the resident parent is claiming child benefit... no proof is required.
It does seem an odd situation where it’s in the resident parents’ financial interests to alienate the non-resident....
So the 5th Christmas where my whole family sit around a table with one empty chair..... the living bereaved they call it.
My only advice is to be consistent and to not lose your s
t ever.Sorry to hear what you are going through, I've been there myself so can completely understand.
On the plus side, if SS are vocalising shared parenting you are already in a much better position that other Fathers.
It is horrendous to go through but even though it won't seem like it now, trust me, it does get better.
On the plus side, if SS are vocalising shared parenting you are already in a much better position that other Fathers.
It is horrendous to go through but even though it won't seem like it now, trust me, it does get better.
Slightly bizarre here. Last year (first post-divorce) she wanted the kids, who are mid to late teens. I had them on the 24th, it seemed OK but my son got a bit upset after he'd gone back to hers in the evening, the split hit home a bit for him then. I was OK, didn't see them until Jan but was mostly fine.
This year she didn't communicate at all, so I just assumed the situation would reverse. Kids have been here a few days, daughter went to hers last night and I'll pick her up this evening. However, she had a bit shouting match with son a few months back and told him to pack and come to my place. Maybe because of that, or something else I'm unaware of, he won't go there this Xmas. Won't even speak to her as far as I can tell. Of course, it's my fault. Meanwhile, he seems very down. My gf is here, which probably makes it a bit awkward but I am entitled to have my life too I feel.
We'll see how tomorrow goes, but I expect some moodiness and maybe some pretty ropey teenage behaviour. Hopefully it won't happen, but you never know! Fingers crossed.
Next year I want to be away on a beach somewhere!
This year she didn't communicate at all, so I just assumed the situation would reverse. Kids have been here a few days, daughter went to hers last night and I'll pick her up this evening. However, she had a bit shouting match with son a few months back and told him to pack and come to my place. Maybe because of that, or something else I'm unaware of, he won't go there this Xmas. Won't even speak to her as far as I can tell. Of course, it's my fault. Meanwhile, he seems very down. My gf is here, which probably makes it a bit awkward but I am entitled to have my life too I feel.
We'll see how tomorrow goes, but I expect some moodiness and maybe some pretty ropey teenage behaviour. Hopefully it won't happen, but you never know! Fingers crossed.
Next year I want to be away on a beach somewhere!
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