How can I help my wife with her body image?
Discussion
Not entirely sure this is the best place, but I'm stuffed in terms of places I can actually ask this and get a sensible answer.
I've been with my wife for 11 years this year, and we've been married for 18 months. I'm 31, she's 30. For as long as I have known her she's always had a problem with how she sees her body. She's 5ft 6/7, she isn't fat in the slightest, although with her body type she carries weight more on her bum and legs than she does up top. A friend of mine who's a PT, when I've spoken to him about her, said that she's just bang on normal, not fat, not skinny, just normal.
Since meeting her, it used to be that she wanted to lose weight so she could fit in to a pair of Diesel jeans she bought. She managed that, but when she got there she was still unhappy. She then gained a bit of weight, and when I say that I mean like a stone, and she was still unhappy. Then in the run up to our wedding she lost weight again, and she was still unhappy after the wedding because she thought she looked fat in the dress. She didn't, she was perfect. She always is. She is also going to the gym every morning before work.
Throughout all of this, whenever she's spoken about it I've told her the same thing I've always told her, that's she's perfect. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her. She doesn't understand that yes, she might have a big bum but women are dying for a bum like hers, literally. She never looks bad in anything she wears, although she doesn't agree.
Last night it came to a head though, as she asked me to "help her be better". I said how, and she said about helping her with what she eats. She doesn't eat bad stuff, she doesn't over eat. She might snack a bit, and her breakfasts usually consist of cereal or other lightweight crap, but whatever I cook for her (as I do all the cooking) is balanced. Not deep fried, not processed, just normal good stuff. I flipped at her a bit, reminding her of basically what I said above. Her body is perfect she needs to accept it, but she wouldn't. She said she wants to go back to how she looked at the wedding, which I reminded her about how she felt about how she looked at the time and the whole Diesel jean thing. I reminded her that if her weight now is what it was when we met, she looks nothing like she did. She had fuller cheeks when I met her, now she's thinner in the face. I tried to point that out, but she wouldn't accept it.
So now I'm at a loss really as to what to do for her. I've never been in this situation before, and after 11 years of the same bulls
t I'm giving up really. Constant reminding her that she's wrong and that there's nothing wrong with her, and reinforcement that she looks perfect just hasn't worked. And I don't know what else I'm meant to do. What can I do?
I've been with my wife for 11 years this year, and we've been married for 18 months. I'm 31, she's 30. For as long as I have known her she's always had a problem with how she sees her body. She's 5ft 6/7, she isn't fat in the slightest, although with her body type she carries weight more on her bum and legs than she does up top. A friend of mine who's a PT, when I've spoken to him about her, said that she's just bang on normal, not fat, not skinny, just normal.
Since meeting her, it used to be that she wanted to lose weight so she could fit in to a pair of Diesel jeans she bought. She managed that, but when she got there she was still unhappy. She then gained a bit of weight, and when I say that I mean like a stone, and she was still unhappy. Then in the run up to our wedding she lost weight again, and she was still unhappy after the wedding because she thought she looked fat in the dress. She didn't, she was perfect. She always is. She is also going to the gym every morning before work.
Throughout all of this, whenever she's spoken about it I've told her the same thing I've always told her, that's she's perfect. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her. She doesn't understand that yes, she might have a big bum but women are dying for a bum like hers, literally. She never looks bad in anything she wears, although she doesn't agree.
Last night it came to a head though, as she asked me to "help her be better". I said how, and she said about helping her with what she eats. She doesn't eat bad stuff, she doesn't over eat. She might snack a bit, and her breakfasts usually consist of cereal or other lightweight crap, but whatever I cook for her (as I do all the cooking) is balanced. Not deep fried, not processed, just normal good stuff. I flipped at her a bit, reminding her of basically what I said above. Her body is perfect she needs to accept it, but she wouldn't. She said she wants to go back to how she looked at the wedding, which I reminded her about how she felt about how she looked at the time and the whole Diesel jean thing. I reminded her that if her weight now is what it was when we met, she looks nothing like she did. She had fuller cheeks when I met her, now she's thinner in the face. I tried to point that out, but she wouldn't accept it.
So now I'm at a loss really as to what to do for her. I've never been in this situation before, and after 11 years of the same bulls
t I'm giving up really. Constant reminding her that she's wrong and that there's nothing wrong with her, and reinforcement that she looks perfect just hasn't worked. And I don't know what else I'm meant to do. What can I do? 2 things:
Baz Luhrmann -Sunscreen - play her the song
Alternatively and whilst it may sound drastic, given the amount of time these thoughts have been occupying her mind, maybe try CBT counselling . You could start to do it with her and step back once she feels comfortable. It’s tough as she faces all the pictures of what women ‘should’ look like daily in magazines/online and reality is the photos aren’t real (photoshopped) and my guess is more men prefer a Woman with shape rather than a Woman with bones!
Good luck - it does seem you are supporting her which is the most important thing
Baz Luhrmann -Sunscreen - play her the song
Alternatively and whilst it may sound drastic, given the amount of time these thoughts have been occupying her mind, maybe try CBT counselling . You could start to do it with her and step back once she feels comfortable. It’s tough as she faces all the pictures of what women ‘should’ look like daily in magazines/online and reality is the photos aren’t real (photoshopped) and my guess is more men prefer a Woman with shape rather than a Woman with bones!
Good luck - it does seem you are supporting her which is the most important thing
sgtBerbatov said:
Throughout all of this, whenever she's spoken about it I've told her the same thing I've always told her, that's she's perfect. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her. She doesn't understand that yes, she might have a big bum but women are dying for a bum like hers, literally. She never looks bad in anything she wears, although she doesn't agree.
I doubt this...bristolbaron said:
Whatever you do, don’t fire a baby into her, she’ll hate her mum bod for life.
Or do, and she might realise how unimportant her vanity was and appreciate every lump bump and stretch mark.
And yet my Mrs about 2 years after our first was down to pre-wedding diet weight without even trying. Running a dept and a toddler seems to be better than marathon training!Or do, and she might realise how unimportant her vanity was and appreciate every lump bump and stretch mark.
Or to put it another way, everyone is different.
For the OP, sounds like counselling might be the way forward.
Fastchas said:
sgtBerbatov said:
Throughout all of this, whenever she's spoken about it I've told her the same thing I've always told her, that's she's perfect. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her. She doesn't understand that yes, she might have a big bum but women are dying for a bum like hers, literally. She never looks bad in anything she wears, although she doesn't agree.
I doubt this...https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/7121298/british-woma...
Slightly OT but hopefully you can see what I am trying to say.
My wife and I both go to the gym a fair bit, the bootcamp/military style gyms where it's all HiiT and circuits. The owner does 6 week bootcamps every couple of months, this includes diet/macros with exercise.
The last one he ran before Xmas we decided to do, however my wife injured her back about 2 weeks in to the 6 week regime so had to stop the exercise, but she continued with the food/macros.
At the end of the 6 weeks he took our body measurements with calipers and whatever software he uses to calculate gains/losses, in summary my wife had lost the same amount of weight as me in those 6 weeks (although I had gained muscle mass). My point is that weight loss is probably 80-90% food and exercise plays a small part.
If it's that much of an issue she needs to find something sustainable, Joe Wicks books are pretty good, use MFP, and maybe some exercise but it needs to be something she/you both can maintain or she'll put weight on, binge diet and go around the loop again.
My wife and I both go to the gym a fair bit, the bootcamp/military style gyms where it's all HiiT and circuits. The owner does 6 week bootcamps every couple of months, this includes diet/macros with exercise.
The last one he ran before Xmas we decided to do, however my wife injured her back about 2 weeks in to the 6 week regime so had to stop the exercise, but she continued with the food/macros.
At the end of the 6 weeks he took our body measurements with calipers and whatever software he uses to calculate gains/losses, in summary my wife had lost the same amount of weight as me in those 6 weeks (although I had gained muscle mass). My point is that weight loss is probably 80-90% food and exercise plays a small part.
If it's that much of an issue she needs to find something sustainable, Joe Wicks books are pretty good, use MFP, and maybe some exercise but it needs to be something she/you both can maintain or she'll put weight on, binge diet and go around the loop again.
skinnyman said:
You have described a female I'm afraid, for this there is no cure.
My wife is upset that her boobs are different now that she's had 2 kids, like I'm supposed to be able to cure that.
You can . 4 Grand will sort those out.My wife is upset that her boobs are different now that she's had 2 kids, like I'm supposed to be able to cure that.
Maybe this isnt such a bad suggestion for the OP either to help boost his wife's self esteem although counseling is also a decent suggestion.
FredClogs said:
Don't get involved, do the exercise with her, cycling, walking, gym whatever, eat well yourself, reduce your booze if you want and shop practically but don't get involved in managing her weight or body image.
Danger! Danger!You do the exersize and eat well with her. You'll start to "look better" and gain improvements. She will as well but will not see them. Because her view of herself has no relation to the reality. All you do is piss her off that it works for you but not her (even if it does work for her), and now you are part of the problem. Ask me how I know...(On the plus side my Decree Nisi came through in the post today...)
Thanks for the input everyone.
The point I was getting at, and it's my fault for not putting it across properly, is that she's getting increasingly more unhappy and upset at it. So like I said, I've tried to make her see sense but she won't have it.
I'll ask her about the CBT (thanks peekay47) and whether she'll do it.
The point I was getting at, and it's my fault for not putting it across properly, is that she's getting increasingly more unhappy and upset at it. So like I said, I've tried to make her see sense but she won't have it.
I'll ask her about the CBT (thanks peekay47) and whether she'll do it.
sgtBerbatov said:
Thanks for the input everyone.
The point I was getting at, and it's my fault for not putting it across properly, is that she's getting increasingly more unhappy and upset at it. So like I said, I've tried to make her see sense but she won't have it.
I'll ask her about the CBT (thanks peekay47) and whether she'll do it.
And when you are feeling brave again ask her if shes considered the breast augmentation but stand well back and insist it for HER not for you !The point I was getting at, and it's my fault for not putting it across properly, is that she's getting increasingly more unhappy and upset at it. So like I said, I've tried to make her see sense but she won't have it.
I'll ask her about the CBT (thanks peekay47) and whether she'll do it.
Not sure if any of the replies so far are from females but here is my (female) view. How about doing as she asks? I am not saying that you should agree with her as you clearly don't. But how about just supporting her and say that you think she's perfect but you understand that it's how she feels about herself that is the point. What about making tiny changes to what you cook so that you can say to her, for example "I've cooked to brown rice tonight instead of white as its supposed to be healthier' or similar. Just gentle support without agreeing with her. Good luck 
PS I think I'm 'overweight' but my husband says I'm perfect too. I love him for saying that but it doesn't change my view of myself.
PS I think I'm 'overweight' but my husband says I'm perfect too. I love him for saying that but it doesn't change my view of myself.
5MUG said:
Not sure if any of the replies so far are from females but here is my (female) view. How about doing as she asks? I am not saying that you should agree with her as you clearly don't. But how about just supporting her and say that you think she's perfect but you understand that it's how she feels about herself that is the point. What about making tiny changes to what you cook so that you can say to her, for example "I've cooked to brown rice tonight instead of white as its supposed to be healthier' or similar. Just gentle support without agreeing with her. Good luck
PS I think I'm 'overweight' but my husband says I'm perfect too. I love him for saying that but it doesn't change my view of myself.
Then what if him entertaining it makes her worse?PS I think I'm 'overweight' but my husband says I'm perfect too. I love him for saying that but it doesn't change my view of myself.
The second he changes his attitude or actions, it will almost certainly get spun in to a negative.
There is no winning solution for the OP.
Probably, as said earlier in the thread, she needs counselling or similar, sounds like she has some issues that need resolving.
5MUG said:
Not sure if any of the replies so far are from females but here is my (female) view. How about doing as she asks? I am not saying that you should agree with her as you clearly don't. But how about just supporting her and say that you think she's perfect but you understand that it's how she feels about herself that is the point. What about making tiny changes to what you cook so that you can say to her, for example "I've cooked to brown rice tonight instead of white as its supposed to be healthier' or similar. Just gentle support without agreeing with her. Good luck
PS I think I'm 'overweight' but my husband says I'm perfect too. I love him for saying that but it doesn't change my view of myself.
I drafted the male version of this three times this morning but couldn't bring myself to click submit...PS I think I'm 'overweight' but my husband says I'm perfect too. I love him for saying that but it doesn't change my view of myself.
She knows your opinion of her and there's no harm in reminding her but that's not what she's asking for / interested in.
Only you will know how best to approach this with your wife but if my OH asks me if her bum looks any different after a couple of weeks at the gym, I'll say "no"
That's not to say that I don't like it or find it attractive but objectively she's done four fifths of f*ck all to warrant any notable "improvement".Support her with cooking and eating better food, buy / prepare healthier snacks, go to the gym with her and encourage her to work hard and she'll either appreciate the support or realise that she's not prepared to do what it actually takes to achieve what it is that she wants.
Even my revised post sounds harsh and without knowing your wife it's impossible to say for certain what the answer is but if I was to guess, based on my own experiences and what I have seen in the gym, I'd say that the 'general healthy eating and a few snacks' is not good enough in the diet department or she's not working as hard as she'd like to think she is, in the gym.
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