Watching a parent or loved one die, grief years after.
Discussion
My Dad passed away in 2013 after a fall at home during the night. Luckily my two sisters, brother and myself managed to spend his last hour with him as he slipped away.
I will never forget his last breath 😔
This was difficult for us as we'd lost our Mum 3 months before and especially difficult for me as I spent hundreds of hours on my allotment with him and my son so was very close.
He was 77 so had a reasonable run. It took me ages but I moved on and remembered the good times!
However, recently I had to take my son to hospital after the clumsy sod got a mild concussion at work. When I was taken to him I was taken past the crash room where my Dad passed away and there was a family outside who'd just lost their father.
Since then I've been having this dwell on my mind and my dreams have taken me back to when I lost him.
Has anyone else had an experience like this where you've been ok for ages but something happens to drag it up?
I will never forget his last breath 😔
This was difficult for us as we'd lost our Mum 3 months before and especially difficult for me as I spent hundreds of hours on my allotment with him and my son so was very close.
He was 77 so had a reasonable run. It took me ages but I moved on and remembered the good times!
However, recently I had to take my son to hospital after the clumsy sod got a mild concussion at work. When I was taken to him I was taken past the crash room where my Dad passed away and there was a family outside who'd just lost their father.
Since then I've been having this dwell on my mind and my dreams have taken me back to when I lost him.
Has anyone else had an experience like this where you've been ok for ages but something happens to drag it up?
What you are feeling is very normal.
I spent 10 days with my taid (grandfather) sleeping in a separate bed next to him in the hospice. I felt it was my duty to be with him and neither my father or any of his siblings could do it. That was 25 years ago. He passed whilst I was with him but he knew I was there and at the time there was something very magical about those moments after even though he was gone.
However, I still cannot drive past the hospice and always take the long route because whenever I have done I am overwhelmed with grief as if it were the day after he passed. I view grief as an honouring of the memory of the lost one and a tribute to their importance in your life.
I spent 10 days with my taid (grandfather) sleeping in a separate bed next to him in the hospice. I felt it was my duty to be with him and neither my father or any of his siblings could do it. That was 25 years ago. He passed whilst I was with him but he knew I was there and at the time there was something very magical about those moments after even though he was gone.
However, I still cannot drive past the hospice and always take the long route because whenever I have done I am overwhelmed with grief as if it were the day after he passed. I view grief as an honouring of the memory of the lost one and a tribute to their importance in your life.
GreatCornholio said:
My Dad passed away in 2013 after a fall at home during the night. Luckily my two sisters, brother and myself managed to spend his last hour with him as he slipped away.
I will never forget his last breath ??
This was difficult for us as we'd lost our Mum 3 months before and especially difficult for me as I spent hundreds of hours on my allotment with him and my son so was very close.
He was 77 so had a reasonable run. It took me ages but I moved on and remembered the good times!
However, recently I had to take my son to hospital after the clumsy sod got a mild concussion at work. When I was taken to him I was taken past the crash room where my Dad passed away and there was a family outside who'd just lost their father.
Since then I've been having this dwell on my mind and my dreams have taken me back to when I lost him.
Has anyone else had an experience like this where you've been ok for ages but something happens to drag it up?
Could be a sign that you have not 'processed' the grief.I will never forget his last breath ??
This was difficult for us as we'd lost our Mum 3 months before and especially difficult for me as I spent hundreds of hours on my allotment with him and my son so was very close.
He was 77 so had a reasonable run. It took me ages but I moved on and remembered the good times!
However, recently I had to take my son to hospital after the clumsy sod got a mild concussion at work. When I was taken to him I was taken past the crash room where my Dad passed away and there was a family outside who'd just lost their father.
Since then I've been having this dwell on my mind and my dreams have taken me back to when I lost him.
Has anyone else had an experience like this where you've been ok for ages but something happens to drag it up?
Worth investigating counselling to help you get past this point. It can be more debilitating than you realise.
It's not about forgetting your family, it's about allowing you to get on without emotional stress.
Edited by sly fox on Tuesday 19th February 15:33
My dad died in 1997, in hospital, following a very short illness (about 10 days) at the age of 77.
Given the sudden-ness there was a great deal to be sorted (no will!!) and I spent months and months running around and trying to look after my mum - I really didn't have time to grieve.
A couple of years later, there was an ad on TV for the motor show and I was half way across the living room to pick the phone up to ring dad to see if he fancied going when it hit me that we would never go again. I found myself sitting on the floor bawling my eyes out!
Grief is a very strange beast and hits us all in different ways.
Given the sudden-ness there was a great deal to be sorted (no will!!) and I spent months and months running around and trying to look after my mum - I really didn't have time to grieve.
A couple of years later, there was an ad on TV for the motor show and I was half way across the living room to pick the phone up to ring dad to see if he fancied going when it hit me that we would never go again. I found myself sitting on the floor bawling my eyes out!
Grief is a very strange beast and hits us all in different ways.
I lost my dad at 8, he broke his back. Myself and my brother were there for the whole thing. I've had it with for 30 years it never leaves you, sometimes dress were he is still alive and then I wake up.
At least your dad had a good innings, try to remember the positive stuff and it is how you remember him, that is his legacy.
My brother went on some forums to talk to likemind people.
At least your dad had a good innings, try to remember the positive stuff and it is how you remember him, that is his legacy.
My brother went on some forums to talk to likemind people.
Thesprucegoose said:
I lost my dad at 8, he broke his back. Myself and my brother were there for the whole thing. I've had it with for 30 years it never leaves you, sometimes dress were he is still alive and then I wake up.
At least your dad had a good innings, try to remember the positive stuff and it is how you remember him, that is his legacy.
My brother went on some forums to talk to likemind people.
My wife similar. Her father was blown to pieces in the Gulf of Arabia during the tanker wars of the mid-eighties. She was 10. She grieves for him every day and lives in a constant state of fright/flight/fight. Bless her.At least your dad had a good innings, try to remember the positive stuff and it is how you remember him, that is his legacy.
My brother went on some forums to talk to likemind people.
We lost my dad in January so still very very soon. He was 81, mixed dementia and COPD. For his last 8 months he had a medical bed downstairs at home.
We were lucky enough to be with him when he was really poorly and he had alot of awareness left.
Staying with him all night whilst he passed then seeing an empty but made bed that was never going to be occupied again, then seeing an empty room still is heartbreaking. I go round to my mums alot and still instinctively poke my head round the door to be greeted by a space. His passing was very recent but I'm linking everyday things to him in the same way, more and more I'm aware of every little thing that had a relation to him.
We were lucky enough to be with him when he was really poorly and he had alot of awareness left.
Staying with him all night whilst he passed then seeing an empty but made bed that was never going to be occupied again, then seeing an empty room still is heartbreaking. I go round to my mums alot and still instinctively poke my head round the door to be greeted by a space. His passing was very recent but I'm linking everyday things to him in the same way, more and more I'm aware of every little thing that had a relation to him.
True. My dad died a few years ago. I didn't cry at the time but I cry a lot now.
Slightest thing can set me off.
I was at the Christmas lights at Kew with my girlfriend. I was reading the wishes on the wishing tree. There were notes from people who had lost parents.
I suddenly choked up and cried for quite a while.
It's moments like that.
Slightest thing can set me off.
I was at the Christmas lights at Kew with my girlfriend. I was reading the wishes on the wishing tree. There were notes from people who had lost parents.
I suddenly choked up and cried for quite a while.
It's moments like that.
Edited by croyde on Wednesday 20th February 07:38
My father died of Prostate Cancer and I rushed across the country to spend his last night with him.
He had that restless thing that many people close to dying have, which was very distressing, and only found some peace when the nurse upped his meds (I will fight anyone in favour of the Liverpool Care Pathway or whatever it has been renamed to now) but that night remains as fresh to me today as it was in 2012.
OP - Take it as a reminder you loved him very much. This stuff is normal.
Nearly ten years ago, my dad's only & younger brother died out in the Falklands; for parental-health reasons, I went out there , dealt with the essential, met his friends, shared the (v moving) Memorial etc. I was very fond of Jon, and felt honoured-to; and that I could carry it (and that strangest thing about a close death - the comforting of others distraught for-you) I grieved in my own time, v soon past in the company of his friends; wondeful, soon& easily reconciled-with. I was at peace in myself.
... and then a couple of years ago, with all family at my place for christmas when we got into the evening, a few drinks, chat & giggling about long past things, i found myself re-tell a story I'd learned and out of nowhere, in front of everyone howling with laughter, I welled-up and bawled; all over in 2-3mins, but it was cathartic, and not since; now, I can think back and grin too.
It is a form of love and remembrance.
Nearly ten years ago, my dad's only & younger brother died out in the Falklands; for parental-health reasons, I went out there , dealt with the essential, met his friends, shared the (v moving) Memorial etc. I was very fond of Jon, and felt honoured-to; and that I could carry it (and that strangest thing about a close death - the comforting of others distraught for-you) I grieved in my own time, v soon past in the company of his friends; wondeful, soon& easily reconciled-with. I was at peace in myself.
... and then a couple of years ago, with all family at my place for christmas when we got into the evening, a few drinks, chat & giggling about long past things, i found myself re-tell a story I'd learned and out of nowhere, in front of everyone howling with laughter, I welled-up and bawled; all over in 2-3mins, but it was cathartic, and not since; now, I can think back and grin too.
It is a form of love and remembrance.
Edited by Huff on Tuesday 19th February 20:36
Certainly not ages ago but my mum died 18 months ago after quite a long battle with leukaemia. Can remember like it was yesterday sitting next to her hospital bed listening to the doctor offering various options, but watching her face and knowing she'd made up her mind to refuse any further treatment.
I thought I'd done my grieving and was feeling fine about it, certainly been able to reminisce with my dad reasonably comfortably. But having had a stressful few months recently with my wife and I seperating I just keep thinking that all I want to do is talk to my mum. The daft thing is I'm actually fine about the separation, and blunt as she was I probably wouldn't like the advice anyway
but still want to talk to her and that thought sets me off every time.
I suppose it's the first major thing to happen in my life that she's not here for and I find that tough.
I thought I'd done my grieving and was feeling fine about it, certainly been able to reminisce with my dad reasonably comfortably. But having had a stressful few months recently with my wife and I seperating I just keep thinking that all I want to do is talk to my mum. The daft thing is I'm actually fine about the separation, and blunt as she was I probably wouldn't like the advice anyway
but still want to talk to her and that thought sets me off every time. I suppose it's the first major thing to happen in my life that she's not here for and I find that tough.
Another agreement that what you’re experiencing is normal.
I lost my Mormor (Danish grandmother) in 2016 to cancer. I saw her a couple of days before she died, and it was the most awful experience of my life as I think she’d also had a stroke and was clearly in agony and not compus mentus. She passed away two days later, and I think I am still grieving now to be honest.
As others have said, driving past the hospice where she was is painful. Visiting her old house is as well (although the new owners have totally changed it, which sort of helps!), and smells and sounds often remind me of her too.
In a way I hope that the grief at her passing never leaves, as it reminds me how much I loved her.
I lost my Mormor (Danish grandmother) in 2016 to cancer. I saw her a couple of days before she died, and it was the most awful experience of my life as I think she’d also had a stroke and was clearly in agony and not compus mentus. She passed away two days later, and I think I am still grieving now to be honest.
As others have said, driving past the hospice where she was is painful. Visiting her old house is as well (although the new owners have totally changed it, which sort of helps!), and smells and sounds often remind me of her too.
In a way I hope that the grief at her passing never leaves, as it reminds me how much I loved her.
Well in the past 5 years I have lost my dad all 4 grandparents and an aunt, last week I was at my grandads funeral out in Australia he was hit by a truck in his mobility scooter, I have suffered so much loss i'm practically numb to it now. Although I would quite happily give away my house tomorrow to spend another day with my dad. I'm just grateful for the time I did spend with my family and the memories I have of them.
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