Feeling numb to bad news.
Discussion
A couple of weeks ago my Dad got diagnosed with a Carcanoid Tumour in his lung. He has to have lobectomy on his lung. I haven't been upset, shed a tear, worried about or felt any different compared to how I was before the diagnosis. He's waiting for a date but has been told that it will be within a couple of weeks.
The rest of my family, even OH has got upset about it. I haven't, once. I almost feel guilty for not being upset about it. I'm conflicting with myself as to whether I care or not.
Is this normal?
The rest of my family, even OH has got upset about it. I haven't, once. I almost feel guilty for not being upset about it. I'm conflicting with myself as to whether I care or not.
Is this normal?
It ll hit you, maybe when you least expect it
I remember getting bad news of a close death, felt fine for a few weeks, almost "good" in myself. Then one day cycling along on my own looking at the sunset I burst into tears!
Grief hits people in different ways at different times ive found
I remember getting bad news of a close death, felt fine for a few weeks, almost "good" in myself. Then one day cycling along on my own looking at the sunset I burst into tears!
Grief hits people in different ways at different times ive found
Blanchimont said:
A couple of weeks ago my Dad got diagnosed with a Carcanoid Tumour in his lung. He has to have lobectomy on his lung. I haven't been upset, shed a tear, worried about or felt any different compared to how I was before the diagnosis. He's waiting for a date but has been told that it will be within a couple of weeks.
The rest of my family, even OH has got upset about it. I haven't, once. I almost feel guilty for not being upset about it. I'm conflicting with myself as to whether I care or not.
Is this normal?
Yep.The rest of my family, even OH has got upset about it. I haven't, once. I almost feel guilty for not being upset about it. I'm conflicting with myself as to whether I care or not.
Is this normal?
Its pretty much shock, it's not strange to handle shock like this by simply carrying on as you were. Its a perfectly normal coping mechanism. Same with feeling a bit guilty that you're not turning into a sopping mess.
As others have said, it'll probably hit you later as the shock wears off. This is likely to be the first D in DABDA (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).
You have the opportunity to be the rock of stability for everyone else to cling to though.
Blanchimont said:
A couple of weeks ago my Dad got diagnosed with a Carcanoid Tumour in his lung. He has to have lobectomy on his lung. I haven't been upset, shed a tear, worried about or felt any different compared to how I was before the diagnosis. He's waiting for a date but has been told that it will be within a couple of weeks.
The rest of my family, even OH has got upset about it. I haven't, once. I almost feel guilty for not being upset about it. I'm conflicting with myself as to whether I care or not.
Is this normal?
I was working in London at the time, and I came back at the weekends to see my girlfriend as she was going through a tough time with depression. I'm sat in the living room with my Dad and he's talking to me normally, then tells me he was diagnosed with lung cancer. I looked at him, asked him if he was going to get treatment and he said he didn't know. I felt numb about it, but about 2 weeks later I was at the girlfriend's friend's house and had a stand up argument with someone there about something petty. Totally not my character. The rest of my family, even OH has got upset about it. I haven't, once. I almost feel guilty for not being upset about it. I'm conflicting with myself as to whether I care or not.
Is this normal?
Wasn't until my aunt died a month later (my Dad's sister) I asked him before we were going to bed whether he was going to go through with the treatment, as I would quite like to have him round a bit longer. He said he'd like to be around longer too and that he'd do the treatment. He did about 18 months later from the cancer coming back and a stroke. But that night he told me he was going to get treatment, I went to bed and I just cried in to my pillow for ages. But I was already reacting when I had that argument before.
If you're numb now, you won't be later, and it'll creep up on you in a way you won't expect. It's not something you prepare for, or experience really, it'll just happen and it'll be from nowhere. Make sure you got someone around to talk to about it.
TwistingMyMelon said:
It ll hit you, maybe when you least expect it
I remember getting bad news of a close death, felt fine for a few weeks, almost "good" in myself. Then one day cycling along on my own looking at the sunset I burst into tears!
Grief hits people in different ways at different times ive found
Songs and music are what sets me off.I remember getting bad news of a close death, felt fine for a few weeks, almost "good" in myself. Then one day cycling along on my own looking at the sunset I burst into tears!
Grief hits people in different ways at different times ive found
Yup
My wife got diagnosed with cancer a while back, I was pretty manly about it at the time, positive etc
Then a massive amount of time later I was driving along the m4 miles from home late one evening.
Saw an old car she had many moons ago and it reminded me of her, not ashamed to admit I was in physical tears thinking about her
Strange world we live in.
My wife got diagnosed with cancer a while back, I was pretty manly about it at the time, positive etc
Then a massive amount of time later I was driving along the m4 miles from home late one evening.
Saw an old car she had many moons ago and it reminded me of her, not ashamed to admit I was in physical tears thinking about her
Strange world we live in.
Spare tyre said:
Yup
My wife got diagnosed with cancer a while back, I was pretty manly about it at the time, positive etc
Then a massive amount of time later I was driving along the m4 miles from home late one evening.
Saw an old car she had many moons ago and it reminded me of her, not ashamed to admit I was in physical tears thinking about her
Strange world we live in.
I was in tears over the wife, not her old car. Although we should have kept it as it was a goodie My wife got diagnosed with cancer a while back, I was pretty manly about it at the time, positive etc
Then a massive amount of time later I was driving along the m4 miles from home late one evening.
Saw an old car she had many moons ago and it reminded me of her, not ashamed to admit I was in physical tears thinking about her
Strange world we live in.
captain_cynic said:
As others have said, it'll probably hit you later as the shock wears off.
What will? His Dad's having quite safe surgery.captain_cynic said:
This is likely to be the first D in DABDA (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).
No it's not. Kubler-Ross' model is a theory for dealing with personal terminal illness, not familial bereavement or health scare. None of which are happening here. captain_cynic said:
You have the opportunity to be the rock of stability for everyone else to cling to though.
Be yourself, don't worry your Dad will be fine.Good luck to your Dad!
popeyewhite said:
captain_cynic said:
As others have said, it'll probably hit you later as the shock wears off.
What will? His Dad's having quite safe surgery.captain_cynic said:
This is likely to be the first D in DABDA (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).
No it's not. Kubler-Ross' model is a theory for dealing with personal terminal illness, not familial bereavement or health scare. None of which are happening here. captain_cynic said:
You have the opportunity to be the rock of stability for everyone else to cling to though.
Be yourself, don't worry your Dad will be fine.Good luck to your Dad!
Thankyou all.
I've felt guilty, and awful for not seemingly feeling anything towards it. He's be re-assured that it's an easy procedure and has little complications, but it still doesn't stop the risks, and due to his age, ailments and general declining health there are more risks than if it was me, at 25.
I've felt guilty, and awful for not seemingly feeling anything towards it. He's be re-assured that it's an easy procedure and has little complications, but it still doesn't stop the risks, and due to his age, ailments and general declining health there are more risks than if it was me, at 25.
That's totally normal, my friends and I lost an old school friend who was unfortunately murdered between Christmas and New Year, when I found out I was just numb and felt the same for not really feeling bothered by it
It was the funeral Friday just gone and it all came out as I was stood at his coffin saying goodbye
Its perfectly normal to feel numb to all this but try not to feel guilty about it, you're processing it and you'll deal with it in time
It was the funeral Friday just gone and it all came out as I was stood at his coffin saying goodbye
Its perfectly normal to feel numb to all this but try not to feel guilty about it, you're processing it and you'll deal with it in time
popeyewhite said:
captain_cynic said:
This is likely to be the first D in DABDA (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).
No it's not. Kubler-Ross' model is a theory for dealing with personal terminal illness, not familial bereavement or health scare. None of which are happening here. captain_cynic said:
The Kubler-Ross model applies to more than just terminal illness.
Agreed - it can be applied to any bad news. I've come across this in guidance about telling people they are being made redundant.Though in my experience the stages can come in any order, but it's useful to understand how people can react to bad things.
Best of luck OP - don't worry about you feel, its very personal. Just be careful and look after yourself as well as everyone else.
I felt the same when my father deteriorated through cancer and passed away just over a year ago. In some ways, the grief was lessened because I had so long to prepare for it. I also had the time to thank my father for the life and upbringing he gave me.
I even went into work the day after he passed - long story short, but my Mum was being well looked after by family at the time. I was strong at the funeral and did a reading with no problems. I dealt with all the probate stuff with no problem.
Then a few months later, I was watching some stupid sentimental Will Smith film with my wife and it sent me into uncontrollable floods of tears. My only explanation for this delayed reaction is a kind of cave-man instinct that allows us to deal impassively with traumatic events whilst they happen and defer emotional responses until the events have passed.
Don’t feel guilt.
Blanchimont said:
A couple of weeks ago my Dad got diagnosed with a Carcanoid Tumour in his lung. He has to have lobectomy on his lung. I haven't been upset, shed a tear, worried about or felt any different compared to how I was before the diagnosis. He's waiting for a date but has been told that it will be within a couple of weeks.
The rest of my family, even OH has got upset about it. I haven't, once. I almost feel guilty for not being upset about it. I'm conflicting with myself as to whether I care or not.
Is this normal?
Yes, it's perfectly normal. I've just had a crap 6 months where my mum has had to have a massive cyst removed from her stomach that was though to be turning cancerous and would necessitate removing her lower intestine and a kidney. The surgeon worked miracles (as stated by the assistant surgeon) and managed to get the cyst out and leave everything behind. Throughout her recovery I was driving 200 miles every day I could to see her. All the way through this I was the same as you, showed no emotion, just got on with the job in hand whereas my sister and dad were in pieces a lot of the time. Just as she was getting back to normal my dad was diagnosed with an aggressive skin cancer, again I was emotionless and just got on with things, The rest of my family, even OH has got upset about it. I haven't, once. I almost feel guilty for not being upset about it. I'm conflicting with myself as to whether I care or not.
Is this normal?
Don't forget to let the emotions flow when they do come out though, holding them in when they are ready to come out can be dangerous. It's only in the last 2 weeks I've been able to relax and let my feelings out, I'm actually off work as the release triggered anxiety attacks but the GP said it's a natural reaction to bottling things up for so long so I'm just dealing with that too, with the help of some little white tablets! Once everything is out of my system I'll be back to normal.
Our brains have amazing ways of dealing with shocks. Some people go all emotional straight away whereas others will focus on the task in hand and deal with the emotional stuff at a later date. The best bit of advice I was told was to talk to your family and friends about the situation, it helps you cope massively. You don't have to cry or anything, just working through the practicalities is enough.
Good luck to you and your dad.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff