Threatened by the ex constantly.
Discussion
I pay my ex privately for our daughter but I'm constantly texted for money, stuff like a Chinese or a bottle of wine., she sends my daughter In rags so I have to bathe and dress her In new clothes when she comes over
It's really wearing me down because if I refuse my daughter is suddenly Ill or she don't want to come,the latest is I refused money for a Chinese on sunday and my daughter who is 4 by the way refused to talk to me, when she finally spoke to me, she said daddy why did you drive to mummy's house to hit her.
Wtf, I've never touched her mother and why is a 4 year old saying or knows about driving to a house.
I've got the choice of handing over 15 or 20 here or there if she fancies it or my daughter being told I've done something I haven't.
Anyone had similar or got advice, I'm losing it here. Should I just budget an extra 50 a week for her mothers wine?
It's really wearing me down because if I refuse my daughter is suddenly Ill or she don't want to come,the latest is I refused money for a Chinese on sunday and my daughter who is 4 by the way refused to talk to me, when she finally spoke to me, she said daddy why did you drive to mummy's house to hit her.
Wtf, I've never touched her mother and why is a 4 year old saying or knows about driving to a house.
I've got the choice of handing over 15 or 20 here or there if she fancies it or my daughter being told I've done something I haven't.
Anyone had similar or got advice, I'm losing it here. Should I just budget an extra 50 a week for her mothers wine?
CP12 said:
Go official (csa) with the money and have a written agreement in place which days you see your daughter.
Convince her she will 'get more money' this way make sure you get the written agreement signed.
Job jobbed.
Is probably the right answer, however if one party has the crazies it's often not that straightforward. Unless she is actually neglecting or harming your daughter it may not be so simple. In time kids see through the nonsense of one parent, so whatever you do always be the better person & don;t stoop to your exes level. Convince her she will 'get more money' this way make sure you get the written agreement signed.
Job jobbed.
When I finally took the plunge to go for divorce just over a year ago, the first thing I did was cut off all contact except e-mail. I set up an address just for communicating with the ex. so that it didn't infect the rest of my life.
No phone calls, facebook messenger, whatsapp or whatever. It takes the heat out of any situation, and you can take your time with any reply. You've also got a record of what was said, and agreed.
She's using your daughter as a weapon, but there's nothing you can do to stop that. Whether you give, or don't give, that won't change. Don't reciprocate. Your daughter will see it for what it is in time. Children aren't stupid.
No phone calls, facebook messenger, whatsapp or whatever. It takes the heat out of any situation, and you can take your time with any reply. You've also got a record of what was said, and agreed.
She's using your daughter as a weapon, but there's nothing you can do to stop that. Whether you give, or don't give, that won't change. Don't reciprocate. Your daughter will see it for what it is in time. Children aren't stupid.
hutchst said:
She's using your daughter as a weapon, but there's nothing you can do to stop that. Whether you give, or don't give, that won't change. Don't reciprocate. Your daughter will see it for what it is in time. Children aren't stupid.
Correct. The problem is having the patience to see it through. My wife had it with her ex. Her daughter is now 19 and to be honest it has only been in the last 2 years that she has seen through the nonsense. my wife had probably 7-8 years of her daughter just about hating her based on what the ex said. Wife was told by myself & others to be patient not push & it would all be Ok in th end. I know she found it very difficult & there was some ocassions when her patience snapped. But now they have a great relationship, and the daughter just rolls her eyes & shakes her head in despair about her dad. It can take time, but they will eventually see the reality. GT03ROB said:
CP12 said:
Go official (csa) with the money and have a written agreement in place which days you see your daughter.
Convince her she will 'get more money' this way make sure you get the written agreement signed.
Job jobbed.
Is probably the right answer, however if one party has the crazies it's often not that straightforward. Unless she is actually neglecting or harming your daughter it may not be so simple. In time kids see through the nonsense of one parent, so whatever you do always be the better person & don;t stoop to your exes level. Convince her she will 'get more money' this way make sure you get the written agreement signed.
Job jobbed.
Whilst doing this putting a written agreement in place ensures if his ex keeps making excuses about why he can't see his daughter then he has a written agreement he can take further so he can see his daughter.
It's self preservation if nothing else.
Why wouldn't he be able to acheive this unless his daughter is being harmed?
CP12 said:
GT03ROB said:
CP12 said:
Go official (csa) with the money and have a written agreement in place which days you see your daughter.
Convince her she will 'get more money' this way make sure you get the written agreement signed.
Job jobbed.
Is probably the right answer, however if one party has the crazies it's often not that straightforward. Unless she is actually neglecting or harming your daughter it may not be so simple. In time kids see through the nonsense of one parent, so whatever you do always be the better person & don;t stoop to your exes level. Convince her she will 'get more money' this way make sure you get the written agreement signed.
Job jobbed.
Whilst doing this putting a written agreement in place ensures if his ex keeps making excuses about why he can't see his daughter then he has a written agreement he can take further so he can see his daughter.
It's self preservation if nothing else.
Why wouldn't he be able to acheive this unless his daughter is being harmed?
I was raising the point that if the ex has the crazies it is perfectly possible for them to poison the mind of the child with lies & stories. Once this is achieved what you have written down in terms of access is barely worth the paper it's written on.
OP, I'd certainly speak with the CSA and get an actual figure for your peace of mind if nothing else. Your ex can't just tell you when she needs/fancies some extra cash.
My ex decided around this time last year that she'd no longer be meeting me halfway in terms of picking up/dropping off my eldest daughter (130 miles each way). This was despite me covering her fuel costs she claimed it was too much wear and tear on her 5 year old vehicle.
Anyway, the arrangement we made involved my daughter staying with me more nights across the year, in turn meaning she was entitled to less money. She still gets a significant sum but I spoke with the CSA, worked it all out and after a few months of settling into the routine told her I was reducing the money.
She didn't argue with me but I know she spoke with the CSA and they told her I was right and the amount was correct.
Of course in turn, I have to provide literally everything for the weekends I have my daughter. Clothes, toys etc. She literally has a completely full bedroom at my place and has been told by her mum that she's not allowed to take anything to her dads.
OP - your Ex sounds like a very unpleasant human being and for your sake I'd suggest getting things put in place more formally. CSA first, get your facts for your own peace of mind, next step is mediation then court if it ends up that bad.
My ex decided around this time last year that she'd no longer be meeting me halfway in terms of picking up/dropping off my eldest daughter (130 miles each way). This was despite me covering her fuel costs she claimed it was too much wear and tear on her 5 year old vehicle.
Anyway, the arrangement we made involved my daughter staying with me more nights across the year, in turn meaning she was entitled to less money. She still gets a significant sum but I spoke with the CSA, worked it all out and after a few months of settling into the routine told her I was reducing the money.
She didn't argue with me but I know she spoke with the CSA and they told her I was right and the amount was correct.
Of course in turn, I have to provide literally everything for the weekends I have my daughter. Clothes, toys etc. She literally has a completely full bedroom at my place and has been told by her mum that she's not allowed to take anything to her dads.
OP - your Ex sounds like a very unpleasant human being and for your sake I'd suggest getting things put in place more formally. CSA first, get your facts for your own peace of mind, next step is mediation then court if it ends up that bad.
Definitely go official (or politely threaten it) for child mntce - unfortunately I have seen your situation a few times with family, friends and a work colleague and the outcome has varied greatly from getting it all agreed and effectively joint custody to cutting all ties and accepting they wont see the child till they are 16 
You ex will push your boundaries as far as she can so the more you keep giving in, the more she will push you. There will be a month or 2 of short term pain by sticking to your guns but eventually she will calm down and move on with her life taking the weight off of you.
I would also suggest fixed visitation rights through the court if she continues how she is especially with the accusations of assault etc
You ex will push your boundaries as far as she can so the more you keep giving in, the more she will push you. There will be a month or 2 of short term pain by sticking to your guns but eventually she will calm down and move on with her life taking the weight off of you.
I would also suggest fixed visitation rights through the court if she continues how she is especially with the accusations of assault etc
I would avoid the CMS personally. You can gain the figure from their calculator. They are a nightmare to deal with even when you are being totally compliant and transparent with facts and figures.
Having a CMS case won’t make any difference to the way your ex behaves - you can still rightly hold her to the figures their calculator provides and refuse to make extra payments.
Once you have a CMS case opened they will never leave you alone. You’ll be subject to annual reviews, she’ll be telling them if she ever thinks you are earning extra or the moment she wants to unilaterally reduce your contact resulting in increased payments.
They are a bit like social services really - leave them there for the worst case interventions but otherwise try and keep them out of your life even if you are 100% above board and both legally and morally in the right.
Having a CMS case won’t make any difference to the way your ex behaves - you can still rightly hold her to the figures their calculator provides and refuse to make extra payments.
Once you have a CMS case opened they will never leave you alone. You’ll be subject to annual reviews, she’ll be telling them if she ever thinks you are earning extra or the moment she wants to unilaterally reduce your contact resulting in increased payments.
They are a bit like social services really - leave them there for the worst case interventions but otherwise try and keep them out of your life even if you are 100% above board and both legally and morally in the right.
Been there & done all of this OP.
Originally we had a private agreement, where i paid cash (agreed amount) + anything needed additionally.
Family court ensued eventually (contact was stopped), i played ball throughout & once the court started favouring me, i was hit with a call from the CSA.
Thankfully, after the initial paying of cash, i had managed to get her to agree to electronic payment (Paypal) - you can take a wild guess why she didn't want it paid into her bank.
They'll only backdate the payments from when the initial call is made & you can get it re-calculated every now & again / if your circumstances change.
Now, since court, there's not any funny business with regards to contact & thanks to the CSA there is an agreement in place financially.
I now pay it via bank transfer.
IMO OP, this will probably be the start of things (i don't envy your position), but once you can guarantee the money won't be going on the child, which i think is the hardest part.
Originally we had a private agreement, where i paid cash (agreed amount) + anything needed additionally.
Family court ensued eventually (contact was stopped), i played ball throughout & once the court started favouring me, i was hit with a call from the CSA.
Thankfully, after the initial paying of cash, i had managed to get her to agree to electronic payment (Paypal) - you can take a wild guess why she didn't want it paid into her bank.
They'll only backdate the payments from when the initial call is made & you can get it re-calculated every now & again / if your circumstances change.
Now, since court, there's not any funny business with regards to contact & thanks to the CSA there is an agreement in place financially.
I now pay it via bank transfer.
IMO OP, this will probably be the start of things (i don't envy your position), but once you can guarantee the money won't be going on the child, which i think is the hardest part.
A bit off topic...
New laws out yesterday regarding mental abuse and how it's now a criminal offence.
Nicola Sturgeon manged to rile me to the point of shouting "Oh do f**k off" at the radio when she said "...will give women more protection..."
Sadly men suffer such abuse just as much from women, just we tend to suck it up until and fob it off as "her indoors nagging" or such like.
Sorry state of affairs.
New laws out yesterday regarding mental abuse and how it's now a criminal offence.
Nicola Sturgeon manged to rile me to the point of shouting "Oh do f**k off" at the radio when she said "...will give women more protection..."
Sadly men suffer such abuse just as much from women, just we tend to suck it up until and fob it off as "her indoors nagging" or such like.
Sorry state of affairs.
FlashmanChop said:
Sorry to hear this.
Going through similar at the moment. It seemed to start once I found a new ladyfriend, even though she left me for someone else.
I have as of yesterday started the ball rolling towards court and am trying to do everything correctly. My time with my 7yr old daughter has become less and less in the past 6 months.
I speak to her once or twice a day but the weekends have become less and less. lies have been spread about me, and now the lies told to school have started to unfold - unfortunately along the same lines as yours. abuse. At the moment my daughter loves seeing me and i think, can see through what her mum is trying to do.
stay strong and make sure you document things, pay what you owe via online calculator and be vigilant.
Similarly, I was jettisoned for the excitement of a criminally long-term affair partner, also married.Going through similar at the moment. It seemed to start once I found a new ladyfriend, even though she left me for someone else.
I have as of yesterday started the ball rolling towards court and am trying to do everything correctly. My time with my 7yr old daughter has become less and less in the past 6 months.
I speak to her once or twice a day but the weekends have become less and less. lies have been spread about me, and now the lies told to school have started to unfold - unfortunately along the same lines as yours. abuse. At the moment my daughter loves seeing me and i think, can see through what her mum is trying to do.
stay strong and make sure you document things, pay what you owe via online calculator and be vigilant.
She left saying “everyone just needs to move on, he’ll find somebody else, etc etc”
Of course, the moment I did just that, the s
t hit the fan, she tried to come back and the shenanigans really started with the kids contact and maintenance.Good luck OP.
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