Peter Kay's universal truths
Discussion
PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a
calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to
have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy
ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to
call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you
at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
22) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
23) You never ever run out of salt.
24) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
25) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
26) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when
you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
27) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
28) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has
had their arm broken by a swan.
29) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and
stepping on an upturned plug.
30) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
31) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
32) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
33) Bricks are horrible to carry.
34) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Sorry if its already been posted but its some funny stuf so i thought id share it!!!! :rofl:
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a
calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to
have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy
ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to
call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you
at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
22) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
23) You never ever run out of salt.
24) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
25) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
26) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when
you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
27) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
28) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has
had their arm broken by a swan.
29) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and
stepping on an upturned plug.
30) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
31) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
32) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
33) Bricks are horrible to carry.
34) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Sorry if its already been posted but its some funny stuf so i thought id share it!!!! :rofl:
It's been here before but it cracks me up every time (though I can't remember the Peter Kay show when he went through this list - maybe it's early material - he's still a hilarious bloke though)
Some more, from me:
-It always rains heaviest when you're at the furthest point away from your house.
-In summer, when eating outdoors, if you worry about wasps, they never turn up. If you don't worry, you'll get a whole squadron.
-It is impossible not to smile when you see a duck or a rabbit
-Your favourite band always has a CD of early stuff that you can't find for sale anywhere
-The time you're most likely to go out for a strenuous country walk with all the family is on Christmas Day, in the freezing cold, stuffed full of Christmas dinner
-No Christmas food is actually very nice at all, which is why you only eat it once a year.
Some more, from me:
-It always rains heaviest when you're at the furthest point away from your house.
-In summer, when eating outdoors, if you worry about wasps, they never turn up. If you don't worry, you'll get a whole squadron.
-It is impossible not to smile when you see a duck or a rabbit
-Your favourite band always has a CD of early stuff that you can't find for sale anywhere
-The time you're most likely to go out for a strenuous country walk with all the family is on Christmas Day, in the freezing cold, stuffed full of Christmas dinner
-No Christmas food is actually very nice at all, which is why you only eat it once a year.
very good and mostly true too 
glocko said:
Everybody over the age of 50 will, on getting out of your car, slap their hand on the roof to thank you for the lift!!
I'm over fifty and it has never once in my life occured to me to do that! (Please note you DID say EVERYONE over 50, so that fact that I don't makes what you said
)
Mrs Fish said:
That's strange, I've just replied to this post but it hasn't shown up
That's amazing considering all the practise you get
On the subject of number 25: does anyone else think men look a bit silly using umbrellas, or using suitcases on wheels? I do the former sometimes to avoid a real soaking, but I'd never get a suitcase on wheels. (Is there a smiley for "Ooo ducky!"?)
Ok, seeing as these seem to be doing the rounds on email again:
The Genius of Peter Kay :
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?
13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
The Genius of Peter Kay :
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?
13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Prof Beard said:
Everybody over the age of 50 will, on getting out of your car, slap their hand on the roof to thank you for the lift!!
(Please note you DID say EVERYONE over 50, so that fact that I don't makes what you said
A lot of people over the age of 50 will, on getting out of your car, slap their hand on the roof to thank you for the lift!!
SOME people over the age of 50 will get really pissed off at being reminded of the fact and will jump on people for the slightest reason!!!
They're true and very funny! ahonen said:
I hate Peter Kay.
Why? What's he done to upset you that much?
Maybe hate is a bit strong. I just don't find him funny, that's all. And he annoys me. I'm a big fan of stand up comedy, he's about the only one I don't like at all. All that Armarillo stuff was just so bad, it wasn't bad in a funny way either.
Sorry for the hijack...
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