Shipping in the Mother in Law
Discussion
No idea where to post this so here it is.
My wife is Finnish and we live full time here in the UK. She has no family here, and a very small family in Finland. Same for me here in the UK, so we have very little in the way of support network and connection, which is tough given that our eldest son is autistic and we've been going through hell with schools etc. Recently the MiL has been over and its made a real difference to us. She (the MiL) has made some comments about living here to be close to the grandchildren, which I think would be a huge benefit to everyone involved. My wifes mother does not work as she has some health issues. Where do I start in thinking about relocation, finances etc? Any similar experiences greatly received.
My wife is Finnish and we live full time here in the UK. She has no family here, and a very small family in Finland. Same for me here in the UK, so we have very little in the way of support network and connection, which is tough given that our eldest son is autistic and we've been going through hell with schools etc. Recently the MiL has been over and its made a real difference to us. She (the MiL) has made some comments about living here to be close to the grandchildren, which I think would be a huge benefit to everyone involved. My wifes mother does not work as she has some health issues. Where do I start in thinking about relocation, finances etc? Any similar experiences greatly received.
Ask your wife what she really thinks about this first
You rightly love your parents for all their quirks. Others might be less so and the MIL or FIL can be challenging - especially if your thinking living in the same house there is never any free time.
Like it or not and she will most likely say of course absolutely etc but actually just saying those things instead of meaning it.
A bit of help every now and again is wonderful - day in day out things change
You rightly love your parents for all their quirks. Others might be less so and the MIL or FIL can be challenging - especially if your thinking living in the same house there is never any free time.
Like it or not and she will most likely say of course absolutely etc but actually just saying those things instead of meaning it.
A bit of help every now and again is wonderful - day in day out things change
Welshbeef said:
Ask your wife what she really thinks about this first
You rightly love your parents for all their quirks. Others might be less so and the MIL or FIL can be challenging - especially if your thinking living in the same house there is never any free time.
Like it or not and she will most likely say of course absolutely etc but actually just saying those things instead of meaning it.
A bit of help every now and again is wonderful - day in day out things change
This times a million.You rightly love your parents for all their quirks. Others might be less so and the MIL or FIL can be challenging - especially if your thinking living in the same house there is never any free time.
Like it or not and she will most likely say of course absolutely etc but actually just saying those things instead of meaning it.
A bit of help every now and again is wonderful - day in day out things change
The_Doc said:
Welshbeef said:
Ask your wife what she really thinks about this first
You rightly love your parents for all their quirks. Others might be less so and the MIL or FIL can be challenging - especially if your thinking living in the same house there is never any free time.
Like it or not and she will most likely say of course absolutely etc but actually just saying those things instead of meaning it.
A bit of help every now and again is wonderful - day in day out things change
This times a million.You rightly love your parents for all their quirks. Others might be less so and the MIL or FIL can be challenging - especially if your thinking living in the same house there is never any free time.
Like it or not and she will most likely say of course absolutely etc but actually just saying those things instead of meaning it.
A bit of help every now and again is wonderful - day in day out things change
Imagine 4 months in wife isn’t happy at all (and your getting none in the bedroom so your not happy either) how could you then ask your mum to move back to her home
I’ve known a few who have done this with all the best will in the world not one has been a good result - no idea why.
I won’t comment on your MIL because only you and your wife can make that decision and it is a big one.
What I will say is that bringing up children is a great challenge and even more so if one is autistic.
One thing they will need is loads of love and familiar faces in their world of confusion.
If there are others and especially family members who can help provide the love and support then that has to be a massive bonus.
There will be days when you are at your wits end and the granny/grandad love will sooth like nothing else on earth.
What I will say is that bringing up children is a great challenge and even more so if one is autistic.
One thing they will need is loads of love and familiar faces in their world of confusion.
If there are others and especially family members who can help provide the love and support then that has to be a massive bonus.
There will be days when you are at your wits end and the granny/grandad love will sooth like nothing else on earth.
magooagain said:
How old is the MIL? This may have a huge bearing in a short time if you moves in.
Do you have a mortgage? If so you’ll likely find a clause where when you applied it asks you how many over 18’s will be in the property. As in living
In all likelihood they don’t or wouldn’t care BUT they may and as such you’d be in breach.
We relocated her parents for a while to be near us - I.e. to be able to help school runs etc, whilst kids were not autistic they had similar demanding needs and for a few years the two children needed “man marking”.
so previously we’d get two three weeks full resilience from dropping the kids to the grandparents for half terms etc. Once the parents moved here, we started getting. Couple of of hours help, two three times a week after school,which was great (we’d previously paid careers for this) but it always meant we’d get the kids back just at the start of the difficult times getting them to sleep (both had conditions that meant sleep was either. Long time coming or very short two hrs sleep, two hrs awake).
we also lost holiday support, s then, the grandparents went back to see their other Grandkids in their home country.
So it is a bit of a mixed bag. Oh, and then they moved home once they got to an age they couldn’t cope with our kids to be looked after by their childlesschildren!
so previously we’d get two three weeks full resilience from dropping the kids to the grandparents for half terms etc. Once the parents moved here, we started getting. Couple of of hours help, two three times a week after school,which was great (we’d previously paid careers for this) but it always meant we’d get the kids back just at the start of the difficult times getting them to sleep (both had conditions that meant sleep was either. Long time coming or very short two hrs sleep, two hrs awake).
we also lost holiday support, s then, the grandparents went back to see their other Grandkids in their home country.
So it is a bit of a mixed bag. Oh, and then they moved home once they got to an age they couldn’t cope with our kids to be looked after by their childlesschildren!
Interesting.
When our kids were little my wife desperately wanted to move the 120 miles closer to her family, as a support network.
Her family provided virtually no support at all.
Her mother probably provided babysitting services 5 times in 10 years.
Her sister was an emergency foster carer, and made demands on my wife that looking back allowed her to continue as a foster carer, but despite getting financial compensation for this, she shared nothing, and never ever helped out with our kids.
My parents were some 100 miles away and equally unhelpful. They moved when they retired, and despite me saying that if they wanted to form bonds with our kids they should move closer to us.
When my wife became ill with ME none of them ever helped out. In fact they avoided helpibg because that meant they vould pretend it wasnt happening. Its all in the mind right?
20 years later, my wife still supports her parents, something i dont think they deserve, and her sister is still dumping on them.
Now are kids are adults i can see my wife wsnting to move to be close to them and their kids. I would be fine with that. Problem is that they are in different cities 100 miles apart.
My point? The MIL should move in with a view to finding her own home locally.
When our kids were little my wife desperately wanted to move the 120 miles closer to her family, as a support network.
Her family provided virtually no support at all.
Her mother probably provided babysitting services 5 times in 10 years.
Her sister was an emergency foster carer, and made demands on my wife that looking back allowed her to continue as a foster carer, but despite getting financial compensation for this, she shared nothing, and never ever helped out with our kids.
My parents were some 100 miles away and equally unhelpful. They moved when they retired, and despite me saying that if they wanted to form bonds with our kids they should move closer to us.
When my wife became ill with ME none of them ever helped out. In fact they avoided helpibg because that meant they vould pretend it wasnt happening. Its all in the mind right?
20 years later, my wife still supports her parents, something i dont think they deserve, and her sister is still dumping on them.
Now are kids are adults i can see my wife wsnting to move to be close to them and their kids. I would be fine with that. Problem is that they are in different cities 100 miles apart.
My point? The MIL should move in with a view to finding her own home locally.
I should clarify that she definitely won't be moving in, but would live nearby. She gets housing benefit in Finland but no idea how this would work in the UK, if its portable or not.
My main concern is that I don't think she would be very self sufficient and that might cramp things a bit if she is very dependent upon us. That said we need help, hard staying afloat right now.
My main concern is that I don't think she would be very self sufficient and that might cramp things a bit if she is very dependent upon us. That said we need help, hard staying afloat right now.
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