Relationships in the workplace

[canitgetanyworse]

I understand that companies will differ as to policies regarding what I’m about to say but would like some advice.

To cut a long story short my boss is having a relationship with a manager one below him who he directly manages and her role within the business is basically his deputy. This is all been kept secret and I only know from complicated reasons I will explain and because I have seen them outside of work. Normally I would take the stance of it’s none of my business and not get involved but unfortunately it is having a negative impact on my work.

The said manager he is now having a relationship with also happens to be my ex.....we met at work both managers but not directly linked. A few months ago we split up and it’s been a bit messy as she cheated on me, she has also been making my life quite difficult at work. I would like to stress that I do not have any motive with this and this question is strictly professional trying to take the personal circumstances out of it. I just thought it best to explain the reasoning behind why my bosses behaviour is now having an impact on me.

Recently pressure from work has multiplied and the support from my manager has evaporated. His behaviour towards me has also completely changed. At first I put this down to paranoia on my part but it was this change that first led me to suspect things. It is also worth noting that another member of staff has questioned their closeness and raised it to me which I deflected, I’m unaware if they have discussed this with anyone else.

From a HR point of view is a relationship between a manager and a very close direct report ok? Where do I stand in the situation I’m in and what should I do if anything? At the moment it feels like I have two choices suck it up or leave, which I don’t think is fair.

Sorry I hope my word vomit makes sense, if it doesn’t ask and I will try to explain the situation better.

Thanks

[2 sMoKiN bArReLs]

Many many relationships are formed in the workplace. Some good, some bad for others. It'll always be tricky.

No help I know...

[Turn7]

Move jobs.....its not going to get any easier. Ever.

You can imagine him hanging out the back of your ex wife every single day, or move on...........

[randlemarcus]

Unless you are certain that HR will summarily dismiss the pair of them, this can't end well for you. Update the CV...

[Jasandjules]

Depends on the company. In my old bank one would be required to move to another department which was unrelated to ensure that no funny business could take place.... (in terms of company money etc)

[MitchT]

randlemarcus said:

Unless you are certain that HR will summarily dismiss the pair of them, this can't end well for you. Update the CV...

This.

[xjay1337]

How long have you been at the company and how important are you, and how demonstrably good are you at your job?

And the same question for those other two... :-)

If you've been there longer and/or they are within their 2 years and/or are only recently entered their roles then complain to HR!

Certainly a conflict of interests.

stty situation to be in. Sorry dude.

[SAS Tom]

Realistically taking on 2 managers won’t end well for you.

Just get another job, it’s not worth fighting.

[MitchT]

xjay1337 said:

How long have you been at the company and how important are you, and how demonstrably good are you at your job?

I've never worked in a place where any of that counted for anything. If the victim is lower down the corporate ladder than the perpetrator(s) they might as well polish off their CV and start talking to recruiters. HR always side with whomever is most senior, not who is right or innocent.

[Gargamel]

SAS Tom said:

Realistically taking on 2 managers won’t end well for you.

Just get another job, it’s not worth fighting.

I completely disagree.

Is there an actual company policy ? In my last couple of firms it was very clear that whilst relationships were ok, they couldn’t not be between people in the same reporting line, so if one formed, then someone had to move into another area of the business.

I think given one of these is your ex you are in a really tricky spot. I would speak to your manager and let them know that you want to move departments, or roles in the business and explain that the personal relationship in the team are making this awkward (for everyone)

Good luck

[GT03ROB]

Your part being the ex is irrelevant.

Where I work we have requirement to clearly identify what may be a conflict of interest. Failure to do so may be a disciplinary offence. The situation you describe, ignoring you, would be a clear conflict of interest.

I would highlight your concerns to HR.

[worsy]

So your boss is having the relationship with your ex, one below. your ex is therefore not in your reporting line, and is a peer at your "grade" or position. I gather you are male, as is your boss and the ex is a female.

So you have a couple of opportunities, you could man to man have a quick discussion letting him know you are aware and wish him best of luck, no hard feelings. you could simply wait for their relationship to implode and find your boss is your newest best friend. Or you could raise it with HR.

This all depends on the type of guy your boss is, only you know that here.

[aka_kerrly]

worsy said:

This all depends on the type of guy your boss is, only you know that here.

OP

canitgetanyworse said:

Recently pressure from work has multiplied and the support from my manager has evaporated. His behaviour towards me has also completely changed. At first I put this down to paranoia on my part but it was this change that first led me to suspect things. It is also worth noting that another member of staff has questioned their closeness and raised it to me which I deflected, I’m unaware if they have discussed this with anyone else.

I don't get the impression that his manager is likely to develop into his best mate anytime soon and I doubt his ex is going to be suggesting they be best mates either so if the two of them are making it difficult to perform his job then to me it's a full on mess.

Even more so if other staff members are beginning to speculate about there being a potential problem. Then consider how many of the team are going to be picking sides which could lead to more staff being less than professional by not providing the support to the OP they maybe contractually obliged to.

OP: In the short term discussing the matter with HR very much depends on the size/structure of the organisation, can you have a frank one to one with someone who then doesn't report straight to someone who will tell your Manager??

As others have said the next step is to float your CV online and see what opportunities present themselves.

[canitgetanyworse]

xjay1337 said:

How long have you been at the company and how important are you, and how demonstrably good are you at your job?

And the same question for those other two... :-)

If you've been there longer and/or they are within their 2 years and/or are only recently entered their roles then complain to HR!

Certainly a conflict of interests.

stty situation to be in. Sorry dude.

I have been with the company nearly 7 years, I have worked my way up and feel I’m well respected.

My boss has been there for 11 months.

The other manager has been there for nearly 3 years.

[canitgetanyworse]

Gargamel said:

I completely disagree.

Is there an actual company policy ? In my last couple of firms it was very clear that whilst relationships were ok, they couldn’t not be between people in the same reporting line, so if one formed, then someone had to move into another area of the business.

I think given one of these is your ex you are in a really tricky spot. I would speak to your manager and let them know that you want to move departments, or roles in the business and explain that the personal relationship in the team are making this awkward (for everyone)

Good luck

There is a company policy and that is people can’t directly manage people they are in a relationship with.

When myself and my ex entered a relationship we were clear with mangers and HR from the start, everything was declared. I felt this was the correct thing to do even though we didn’t report into each other in anyway we still worked in the same building.

The problem with this situation now is that it is not declared and there is no ‘concreate’ proof that anything is going on so plausible deniability can be used on there part.

[canitgetanyworse]

GT03ROB said:

Your part being the ex is irrelevant.

Where I work we have requirement to clearly identify what may be a conflict of interest. Failure to do so may be a disciplinary offence. The situation you describe, ignoring you, would be a clear conflict of interest.

I would highlight your concerns to HR.

Thank you

The company I work for is a national organisation and in fact a charity so has clear policies. The policy for relationships is that they are ok but can’t be between those that directly report into each other.

I’m really trying to keep the personal out of this and focus on the professional, I was reluctant to put in the post about the manager being my ex because I feel at this point it isn’t relevant.

My problem is that there is no proof and they are likely to deny anything is happening. They have just been spotted outside of work together, close at work etc which doesn’t actually prove anything else is happening. I’m also really concerned that bringing it up with HR will just look like I’m coming across as a jilted lover.

[aeropilot]

canitgetanyworse said:

Gargamel said:

I completely disagree.

Is there an actual company policy ? In my last couple of firms it was very clear that whilst relationships were ok, they couldn’t not be between people in the same reporting line, so if one formed, then someone had to move into another area of the business.

I think given one of these is your ex you are in a really tricky spot. I would speak to your manager and let them know that you want to move departments, or roles in the business and explain that the personal relationship in the team are making this awkward (for everyone)

Good luck

There is a company policy and that is people can’t directly manage people they are in a relationship with.

When myself and my ex entered a relationship we were clear with mangers and HR from the start, everything was declared. I felt this was the correct thing to do even though we didn’t report into each other in anyway we still worked in the same building.

The problem with this situation now is that it is not declared and there is no ‘concreate’ proof that anything is going on so plausible deniability can be used on there part.

Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt etc.........

For me, leaving and getting another job was the only workable solution I could see going forward, which is what I did.

[canitgetanyworse]

worsy said:

So your boss is having the relationship with your ex, one below. your ex is therefore not in your reporting line, and is a peer at your "grade" or position. I gather you are male, as is your boss and the ex is a female.

So you have a couple of opportunities, you could man to man have a quick discussion letting him know you are aware and wish him best of luck, no hard feelings. you could simply wait for their relationship to implode and find your boss is your newest best friend. Or you could raise it with HR.

This all depends on the type of guy your boss is, only you know that here.

My boss (male) is a senior manager for the region. The other manager (female) is one below my boss. I’m one below the other manager but in a different reporting structure.

Unfortunately the culture that has been created does not make me feel is if I can have a ‘man to man’ chat about things. I’m also very untrusting what is being said to HR by them. I’m trying to not let paranoia take over but I would imagine they will want to protect their jobs.

[canitgetanyworse]

aka_kerrly said:

I don't get the impression that his manager is likely to develop into his best mate anytime soon and I doubt his ex is going to be suggesting they be best mates either so if the two of them are making it difficult to perform his job then to me it's a full on mess.

Even more so if other staff members are beginning to speculate about there being a potential problem. Then consider how many of the team are going to be picking sides which could lead to more staff being less than professional by not providing the support to the OP they maybe contractually obliged to.

OP: In the short term discussing the matter with HR very much depends on the size/structure of the organisation, can you have a frank one to one with someone who then doesn't report straight to someone who will tell your Manager??

As others have said the next step is to float your CV online and see what opportunities present themselves.

It is a mess and I’m finding it incredibly difficult. They are currently both on holiday so I’m dreading them returning in a weeks time.

Gossip always in workplaces so I’m not sure how much it will blow up among other staff members. In an ideal world all this would come out through other people or they shout themselves in the foot somehow and get caught meaning I’m not involved at all, I just find that hard to believe.

The organisation is large and has a proper HR but we are in an isolated area and don’t have onsite HR. I’m also naturally cautious of HR.

I see that most people are saying just leave my job which I find a bit disappointing. I enjoy my job and feel I’m good at it, I’ve been there a long time and have worked my way up. It’s unfair that I’m effectively being bullied out.

[aeropilot]

canitgetanyworse said:

aka_kerrly said:

I don't get the impression that his manager is likely to develop into his best mate anytime soon and I doubt his ex is going to be suggesting they be best mates either so if the two of them are making it difficult to perform his job then to me it's a full on mess.

Even more so if other staff members are beginning to speculate about there being a potential problem. Then consider how many of the team are going to be picking sides which could lead to more staff being less than professional by not providing the support to the OP they maybe contractually obliged to.

OP: In the short term discussing the matter with HR very much depends on the size/structure of the organisation, can you have a frank one to one with someone who then doesn't report straight to someone who will tell your Manager??

As others have said the next step is to float your CV online and see what opportunities present themselves.

It is a mess and I’m finding it incredibly difficult. They are currently both on holiday so I’m dreading them returning in a weeks time.

Gossip always in workplaces so I’m not sure how much it will blow up among other staff members. In an ideal world all this would come out through other people or they shout themselves in the foot somehow and get caught meaning I’m not involved at all, I just find that hard to believe.

The organisation is large and has a proper HR but we are in an isolated area and don’t have onsite HR. I’m also naturally cautious of HR.

I see that most people are saying just leave my job which I find a bit disappointing. I enjoy my job and feel I’m good at it, I’ve been there a long time and have worked my way up. It’s unfair that I’m effectively being bullied out.

That's life, st happens.
The issue is you are clearly finding this very difficult, and the other parties are quite happy for this to be the case by the sounds of it.
This will not get any easier, so you either have to ignore it and beat it by making it clear you don't give a f**k about either of them and rise above it.........or,
Leave it behind, and find another job.
The fact that your posting what you are posting suggests to me, that the latter option is the only way forward for you.