Discussion
I'm looking for some advice on a stalker who just won't give up.
I have a family member who we will call Sarah who lives in a small town in England, single mother with two small children. She is in the armed forces.
Last year she got into a relationship with someone else who also works for the forces, lets call him Rob and they had a relationship for number of months. He told her he was separated from his wife. The wife lived in the family home 200 miles away. No children.
There were a number of problems in the relationship (non-violent but controlling by him) and they split up about 6 months ago.
However after they split he would not leave her alone. He bombarded her with multiple phone calls daily, voicemails, silent calls, hanging around her at work and at the shops etc, letters, other communications even writing letters and throwing them over the fence into her garden.
She went to the police and he was prosecuted for stalking and given a fine and had to pay compensation.
The forces took action and he was posted 200 miles away back to his home area. He moved back in with his wife.
Since then, he has been back in contact with other members of Sarah's family which is in breach of the order. He has also moved back to the town where Sarah is, buying a house there with his wife. He has no reason to be in that town, his job is 200 miles away and he is banned from the base in town.
He has been in contact with her family through social media and through other mutual friends and colleagues, wanting her back. He 'accidentally' bumps into her on paths where he knows she goes for a run and the gym that she goes to. She is very scared of him. He is a physical guy, fit and trained by the forces.
Sarah got the police involved again and they have taken various statements to see if he can be done for breeching the restraining order (no direct or indirect contact).
The forces have taken him down a rank, and action is still on going, but he doesn't seem to care.
However the CPS decided they are not going to pursue any action. She appealed against this decision and she is awaiting the outcome of this appeal.
Last weekend he contacted two members of her family again via social media. She has spoken to the police again and they have said it is up to her what they will do.
She can either wait and see if the CPS will take action for breech of the order OR the police will arrest him on a fresh charge of stalking. One or the other.
She doesn't know whether to wait for the outcome of the appeal or whether the police should start new action for this new stalking.
It's all confusing and she's not sure what to do. Any help would be appreciated, thanks.
I have a family member who we will call Sarah who lives in a small town in England, single mother with two small children. She is in the armed forces.
Last year she got into a relationship with someone else who also works for the forces, lets call him Rob and they had a relationship for number of months. He told her he was separated from his wife. The wife lived in the family home 200 miles away. No children.
There were a number of problems in the relationship (non-violent but controlling by him) and they split up about 6 months ago.
However after they split he would not leave her alone. He bombarded her with multiple phone calls daily, voicemails, silent calls, hanging around her at work and at the shops etc, letters, other communications even writing letters and throwing them over the fence into her garden.
She went to the police and he was prosecuted for stalking and given a fine and had to pay compensation.
The forces took action and he was posted 200 miles away back to his home area. He moved back in with his wife.
Since then, he has been back in contact with other members of Sarah's family which is in breach of the order. He has also moved back to the town where Sarah is, buying a house there with his wife. He has no reason to be in that town, his job is 200 miles away and he is banned from the base in town.
He has been in contact with her family through social media and through other mutual friends and colleagues, wanting her back. He 'accidentally' bumps into her on paths where he knows she goes for a run and the gym that she goes to. She is very scared of him. He is a physical guy, fit and trained by the forces.
Sarah got the police involved again and they have taken various statements to see if he can be done for breeching the restraining order (no direct or indirect contact).
The forces have taken him down a rank, and action is still on going, but he doesn't seem to care.
However the CPS decided they are not going to pursue any action. She appealed against this decision and she is awaiting the outcome of this appeal.
Last weekend he contacted two members of her family again via social media. She has spoken to the police again and they have said it is up to her what they will do.
She can either wait and see if the CPS will take action for breech of the order OR the police will arrest him on a fresh charge of stalking. One or the other.
She doesn't know whether to wait for the outcome of the appeal or whether the police should start new action for this new stalking.
It's all confusing and she's not sure what to do. Any help would be appreciated, thanks.
Ensure you ALSO inform the forces of his breaches. If he has been done under one of the discipline acts it should be quite easy to get him on a more serious charge.
He carries on and he WILL loose his career. Hopefully he will get a spell in MCTC Colchester too.
Probably quicker to get him locked up via the military than via the police.
He carries on and he WILL loose his career. Hopefully he will get a spell in MCTC Colchester too.
Probably quicker to get him locked up via the military than via the police.
I'm sure you've been considering the fact that there aren't many ways the authorities can actually physically keep him away from you for the rest of his life. Stalking laws aren't very effective.
It's more about helping him to decide that it's not worth it.
If arrests and charges are sufficient, then you can keep pressuring the police and may get results.
If losing his job is sufficient, then pressure via the royal military police may help.
If that's not going to discourage him, then he will continue stalking you whenever he is out of custody, and you may want to try something else.
Some people continue stalking for as long as they are exercising some kind of control and are getting a rise. They are likely to gradually lose interest if the person they are stalking shows absolutely zero interest in them. They would receive zero response to any kind of contact. The stalked person would just look through him as if he's not there, and if in public would head into the nearest shop or crowded place and hover next to a worker until he gives up and walks off.
Another bit of advice I have came from someone who worked in the bad part of town. She had a 100% effective way of getting rid of stranger stalkers. She would loudly address a nearby member of the public based on their distinguishing features, e.g. 'Excuse me, you in the red jacket' (so they can't walk away). She would very loudly say 'I don't know this man and he is making me feel uncomfortable, call the police right now'. The stalker would disappear off immediately, every time. Hell, they would be half running.
It's more about helping him to decide that it's not worth it.
If arrests and charges are sufficient, then you can keep pressuring the police and may get results.
If losing his job is sufficient, then pressure via the royal military police may help.
If that's not going to discourage him, then he will continue stalking you whenever he is out of custody, and you may want to try something else.
Some people continue stalking for as long as they are exercising some kind of control and are getting a rise. They are likely to gradually lose interest if the person they are stalking shows absolutely zero interest in them. They would receive zero response to any kind of contact. The stalked person would just look through him as if he's not there, and if in public would head into the nearest shop or crowded place and hover next to a worker until he gives up and walks off.
Another bit of advice I have came from someone who worked in the bad part of town. She had a 100% effective way of getting rid of stranger stalkers. She would loudly address a nearby member of the public based on their distinguishing features, e.g. 'Excuse me, you in the red jacket' (so they can't walk away). She would very loudly say 'I don't know this man and he is making me feel uncomfortable, call the police right now'. The stalker would disappear off immediately, every time. Hell, they would be half running.
Are you really asking what she should do?
She goes to the Police, and has him arrested and charged again. Absolutely the only thing to do.
If he intended to stop without 'encouragement' we all know he would already have done so.
Is there some other subtext here you actually want to explore? The more honest the question the better the answers.
She goes to the Police, and has him arrested and charged again. Absolutely the only thing to do.
If he intended to stop without 'encouragement' we all know he would already have done so.
Is there some other subtext here you actually want to explore? The more honest the question the better the answers.
His "crime" is he's moved local and he's talking to members of her family but not her?
He sounds like a worry, I'll give you that. but if he's not approached her then whats he actually done wrong unless the previous order was to stay hundreds of miles away and not contact her family? The family members who he's spoken to should report him if thats the case
As for the no reason to be in the area, presumably he was before which is how me met this lady, he may have an affinity for the area, and unless you know his present circumstances in detail, he may have a reason. I don't know how you know so much about him, his rank, him moving back in with his wife, his wife moving, etc I'm not standing up for him, I wouldn't want him near me, but be careful you don't overstep the mark in invading his privacy, it wouldn't be the first time the innocent ended up in trouble, and wait for him to be in actual breach of the conditions.
He sounds like a worry, I'll give you that. but if he's not approached her then whats he actually done wrong unless the previous order was to stay hundreds of miles away and not contact her family? The family members who he's spoken to should report him if thats the case
As for the no reason to be in the area, presumably he was before which is how me met this lady, he may have an affinity for the area, and unless you know his present circumstances in detail, he may have a reason. I don't know how you know so much about him, his rank, him moving back in with his wife, his wife moving, etc I'm not standing up for him, I wouldn't want him near me, but be careful you don't overstep the mark in invading his privacy, it wouldn't be the first time the innocent ended up in trouble, and wait for him to be in actual breach of the conditions.
Edited by Heres Johnny on Friday 19th July 14:33
I reckon this will escalate.
If he's been convicted before and the Army have taken action and he's not in the least bit bothered then he quite clearly has a screw loose.
I would be recommending self defence classes as I've seen too many times how things escalate from creepy behaviour to stalking to physical violence.
Self defence spray would be a good thing to carry.
If he's been convicted before and the Army have taken action and he's not in the least bit bothered then he quite clearly has a screw loose.
I would be recommending self defence classes as I've seen too many times how things escalate from creepy behaviour to stalking to physical violence.
Self defence spray would be a good thing to carry.
Go to SSAFA. They will have free advisor on hand. They nearly always have a direct line to the Chaplin on station (normally group captain/wing commander level).
He will have direct access to the station commander OC police and a whole host of other measures to f
k this right off. I can see a 24hr posting coming his way even further away and if that doesn’t deter then a trip to Colchester should right sort him out.
He will have direct access to the station commander OC police and a whole host of other measures to f
k this right off. I can see a 24hr posting coming his way even further away and if that doesn’t deter then a trip to Colchester should right sort him out. MB140 said:
Go to SSAFA. They will have free advisor on hand. They nearly always have a direct line to the Chaplin on station (normally group captain/wing commander level).
He will have direct access to the station commander OC police and a whole host of other measures to fk this right off. I can see a 24hr posting coming his way even further away and if that doesn’t deter then a trip to Colchester should right sort him out.
Correct and the answer I was getting at earlier!! He will have direct access to the station commander OC police and a whole host of other measures to f
k this right off. I can see a 24hr posting coming his way even further away and if that doesn’t deter then a trip to Colchester should right sort him out. 
Police, every time. Get him arrested. Every single time.
Make sure a log is kept of all texts/messages/messenger. Screenshot them. Write down every single interaction AND very importantly, how it makes her feel.
Every time he turns up/“bumps” into her/makes contact, ring the police. Every single time. I can’t stress this enough.
It’s a long time since I was in the forces, but she needs to report it all to her line manager/CO as well, every single time.
Make sure a log is kept of all texts/messages/messenger. Screenshot them. Write down every single interaction AND very importantly, how it makes her feel.
Every time he turns up/“bumps” into her/makes contact, ring the police. Every single time. I can’t stress this enough.
It’s a long time since I was in the forces, but she needs to report it all to her line manager/CO as well, every single time.
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