If my life ended today, I wouldn’t complain

[TameRacingDriver]

You know, I thought long and hard about setting up a new login for this, but honestly, I’ve run out of fks to give.

I’m sitting on the sofa on my own. Woman is out shopping, and I’m sitting here in bits.

I have no reason to feel this way really, but frankly, I just feel like I’ve had enough. Life has just utterly exhausted me and I just see no point in it whatsoever. I could probably see point in it IF I could be happy, but that seems beyond my capabilities.

Turned 40 this year, and for the last few years, if not nearly a decade, I’ve generally been miserable as sin.

I grew up as an only child and my parents did their best. They had a working class background, and they’ve been smart enough with their money that they’ve managed to retire early. Good for them. I wish I could do the same.

I’ve literally achieved nothing. I never wanted kids (knew that from an early age) and I wouldn’t wish me on them anyway.

I’m mediocre to rubbish at everything I do. Which is why I’ve never been promoted. God knows I’ve tried, but I fail at everything. Or there is always someone else better who gets the promotion or whatever, and they genuinely deserve it because I am just crap. I’ve learned to stop having any ambition at all because after 20 years of trying, I have got nowhere, and I don’t have the energy left to try anymore.

Ironically, my boss has even put me forward this year for promotion and everyone thinks I will get it. But deep down, I’m not sure I even want it. More stress, more pressure, and a few extra quid. I don’t give a fk about money, as long as I don’t have to live on the streets and can see my friends once a week or so.

The woman I call my girlfriend loves me, but honestly, I have no idea why. I am basically a miserable loser. And the worst of it is, I do love her, but I don’t have any attraction. I’m just not interested.

I haven’t had many hobbies but cars was one of them (hence me being here), but I couldn’t even run a cheap car without ending up in debt. So I got rid, and now I have no hobbies at all. Well, computers and gadgets was a hobby, but I work in IT and frankly its beaten the enjoyment out of it.

I’ve been lifting weights for over 10 years and I’m rubbish at that too. I do all the things people say I should do, but according to a table on exrx, I am weaker at a bench press than a complete amateur despite trying for 10 years. I still do it but only because I’d look like a blob with match sticks for legs and arms if I didn’t. At least it keeps me looking almost normal, but I’m still not happy.

I have fk all self esteem, feel down in the dumps nearly every day or week, and have almost forgotten what it’s like to feel happy. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and HATE having my picture taken even more.

I have always been a somewhat unhappy person, even as a kid I remember feeling not as happy as most kids. I rarely got excited about anything and I still don’t.

I feel like I wake up every morning, feeling like st, force myself to go to a job where I have to deal with people and try and look happy, when inside I just want to curl up and die.

Alternatively, I find myself feeling the urge to resist punching someone - aggression and temper is definitely a problem; there have been times when walking home, I’ve honestly wanted that chav to start something just so I could have a dust up with someone. Even then because I’m crap at everything, I’m probably crap at fighting too so they’ll probably just kick my head in, but then they might do me a favour and kill me and then I wont have to put up with life anymore.

I find work so mentally exhausting that I literally just want to lock myself away and have no company of any kind just to try and re-charge so I can cope with another day of it.

22 years of debt is probably only 3 or 4 months away from being finished. I should be happy, but all I can think is “meh”. For the last 2 years I have tried so hard to pay my debts that I have sold my car and even buying clothes is a struggle. But I have tried to maintain a social life, without that, I probably not be typing this at all.

I overthink everything, torturing myself thinking there must always be a better way to do something, even though I’ve re-visited it dozens of times, and there really isn’t. I am poor at dealing with stress because I am so unhappy all of the time. I feel like an imposter who is too mentally immature to cope in an adults world.

Weirdly most people think of me a fairly funny and likeable person, if a bit negative. I do occasionally, and I mean, occasionally have flashes of what it feels like just to feel normal. On those days I can actually be quite hyper, but this is VERY rare. On those days, I probably seem like I could take on the world. I possibly could if I wasn’t stuck down a hole 99% of the time.

Basically, I am a total and utter fking mess of a human. 2020 could be the year where I am out of debt for the first time in my adult life, and earning more money than I’ve ever had before, and yet, and even the thought of that doesn’t make me the remotest bit happy. In a way, if I didn’t get promoted I’d probably be relieved as I don’t feel I deserve it anyway. And even if that happens, what then?

I know the answer should be go to the docs, but what for? What’s the point in talking to a stranger about something when all I know is my head is fked. I have no reason to feel this way. I am just fked up, basically. Yet ironically, here I am, talking to strangers on the internet about it. But I feel too weak to talk to someone face to face.

I don’t even know why I am writing this post. It’s not like I’m asking a question. More of a way of getting it off my mind, but I don’t really feel any better for it.

If anyone has any suggestions, I’d be welcome. I really think if I could stop overthinking, stop being down on myself (that’s going to be hard), stop giving a fk, that would really help. Just let it all go. I have no pressure other than that I put on myself.

Honestly, if my parents weren’t still alive, and I could think of a painless way to go, I would have topped myself long ago. I wouldn’t go through with it because they would be heartbroken and they don’t deserve that, but honestly, I think about it nearly every day.

The irony is, on the way home tonight, when I’m already feeling as low as I am, I walked past yet another scene of a potential bridge jumper. People were standing around laughing, filming, and taking photos. All I could think of was how low that person must be to get to that point because I was feeling it right there. That person though had the guts that I’ll never have, I doubt I would ever be brave enough to do that, and knowing my luck, I’d survive as a cripple anyway.

So yeah, sorry for the mental diarrhoea, and I may come to regret this, but I just don’t care anymore, I guess there’s a part of me hoping someone has some practical tips to try and give me a better outlook on life because the way I’m feeling, I don’t know if I could stand another year, let alone another 20 - 30 years of this.

[anonymous-user]

I think speaking to a therapist could help you massively.

You can go to your GP and get a referral or just see one privately. People that specialise in CBT might help?

It’s all about breaking the cycle you seem to be in of having negative thoughts and that maybe leading to negative behaviour which is reinforcing your negative thoughts.

It might sound like bks but it’s about reframing how you think and see things and helping break the cycle you’re stuck in.

[ED209]

You need to see a doctor and tell them how you feel.

Even give your local mental health crisis team a ring.


I can empathise with a lot you say to be honest. Don’t be afraid to ask for help!

Do you need someone to talk to in person? Not sure which bit of Tyne and Wear you are in but I am probably not too far away.

[bitchstewie]

I would make an appointment to speak to your GP.

They can usually refer you or direct you to the counselling/therapist services available locally.

Men are notoriously rubbish at doing this in general and particularly over mental health issues.

[zarjaz1991]

I will try and reply a bit more later on, but I just wanted to point this out....

TameRacingDriver said:

I’m mediocre to rubbish at everything I do. Which is why I’ve never been promoted.

And yet....

TameRacingDriver said:

my boss has even put me forward this year for promotion and everyone thinks I will get it.

So you are NOT mediocre or rubbish at what you do, and the proof is right there in your own post.

It is, I will admit, very easy to think the way you are thinking, I have fallen into the trap many times, but sometimes you lose sight of your own successes and your own value. You've got to the point where you can't even see it in your own post, which is awful, but you really must start to look at what you do and see value in it.

[85Carrera]

Wow, that was a difficult post to read. Fair play to you to have the balls to post it up here.

As above, you need to get help for whatever it is that’s eating you up. Life, and you, will not be as bad as you think and you need a reset (for want of a better term) to look more positively at things.

Promotion and being debt free - and therefore being able to get yourself a car (maybe something that could become something of a project) - is something to be celebrated.

Have you talked to your girlfriend or any mates about how you feel? If not, that should be the first step and they will support you through this (although it sounds like you may also need counselling/professional help).

I’ve had some dark days in the past (although not to the extent of your post), have just turned 50 and am loving life, so you can change things around.

[Nik da Greek]

Wow... you sound like me on a bad day

But that's a good thing, right? Because if you have bad days then you also have good days. I'm not an expert and I'm not saying "this is what you ought to do" but for me what worked was remembering on the bad days what the good ones felt like. Even the thought that there would be good days was enough to take the edge of the "WHAT is the fking point of this" black misery. Eventually I learned to pick out the things that made me good and do more of them and the things that made me bad and do less of them.

It sounds really simple, but that's what works... doing simple things for positive reasons and getting good at them. If lifting weights doesn't give you pleasure and doesn't achieve what you want it to, don't do it. Find some other means of exercise that you enjoy more. If your girlfriend no longer excites you try to isolate why she once did, and what's changed. Make small incremental changes... even if they're only the way you perceive an aspect of your life without actually changing it... and you may soon find a more positive attitude towards stuff is the end result.



No one, no one is unbreakable, despite what stair-dominating Nietschean supermen on here might claim and everyone has their breaking point. That you have not yet reached yours (even though you appear to feel that you have) is testament to your strength of character. That you care enough to write your post says you still care about touching the bottom and kicking for the surface again. I wouldn't necessarily recommend counseling; like you, I'm no good at talking to strangers though it works wonders for some. My sister was turned back from despair by counseling, though, so I've seen it work first-hand. Likewise, medication can change a lot of how you perceive depression. I didn't like it personally; everything in my life was still fked but I just no longer cared that much about it. It was like being at the bottom of the lake drowning but not caring enough about it to head for the surface. I would rather have the crushing lows if it means I still get the dizzying highs, not that constant mediocrity where nothing matters enough to care about

But there are these mechanisms available, and you should try them because they might work for you. Everyone is different. I've found that talking openly about stuff is a lot more acceptable to others than I ever imagined it would be. You hear a lot about de-stimgafying (not an actual word) mental health problems but it does seem to actually be happening.


LIke you, I thought there was no point in living and I basically was doing it for my kids because my moral compass wouldn't allow me to let them down. My wife was in a worse state than me. One day she waded out to sea with the intention of not coming back. You don;t want that in your world, and neither does anyone around you. At least it was our moment of epiphany... we now know where the bottom is and nothing will ever be that bad again

Talk to people. No-one needs to be alone in their own head, forever. People will listen. Sometimes that's enough

[Aphex]

Puppies and bushcraft

[anonymous-user]

Ring the Samaritans now. Then in the morning, go and see your doctor and take whatever offers of help he can give you, even medication if needed. You may need to go private to get things moving quickly. Either way, do it asap and involve your girlfriend too. You really don't deserve to feel this low.

[GAjon]

I know fk all about anything, but I i see it, you’ve made a start, writing your post is a positive, did it help?
I hope so.
Don’t stop there, take the advice given, go and see a professional, please.

[RBS Bob]

I suffered about 3 years ago.

I was doing The Knowledge, London Black Cab, doing it on top of a full time job.

I had a bit of grief at work and thought bks to them. I will throw myself into The Knowledge and leave.

Brain overload!!!!

After a short space of time I began questioning everything I did. Over analysing any situation I dealt with. Arguing with myself in my head. Getting really annoyed at tiny little things in life.

Finally I crash out. Mother in laws birthday weekend. Even to this day I cannot remember the events of that weekend. 100 mile drive there and back. Family meal in a restaurant.

Once back on the Monday my wife took me to the doctors.

Can't really remember what we spoke about. Although, I filled in a A4 ticky box sheet. Do you eat too much, not enough. Drink too much. Self harm. Suicidal thoughts.

Once the doctor tallied up the points I was diagnosed with anxiety.

Initially turn down medication and was signed off work for 6 weeks. Spent the first 3 days laying in my bed staring at the ceiling.

Once I went back to work I felt like I was flying. However, after 2-3 months I felt the feeling coming back.

The over analysing, the questioning and I rode a moped to work (being PH i have now done my full bike licence and got a big boys bike) along a very busy A road. I often thought i would not be bothered if an article lorry jumped a red light and took me out.

I took myself back to the doctors.

Prescribed with Citalopram. 30mgs. Dropped myself down to 29mgs last summer and, I may drop down to 10 later this year.

OP. Go the doctors. If you feel you don't know what to say to them. Take the post you opened this thread with.

I wish you well. It can be sorted.

[MOBB]

Grahamdub said:

Ring the Samaritans now. Then in the morning, go and see your doctor and take whatever offers of help he can give you, even medication if needed. You may need to go private to get things moving quickly. Either way, do it asap and involve your girlfriend too. You really don't deserve to feel this low.

This

Don’t let the black dog win, life can be wonderful, you just can’t see it at the moment

[Benrad]

I can't offer much help, but I've always thought from your posts that you seem like a great guy so thought I'd write something

I bet you'd feel less self conscious on the phone so I'd consider ringing the Samaritans if I were you

In terms of non-GP help it looks like Andy's man club is doing great work to help blokes feeling the way you do to feel more like themselves again

I really hope you decide to do something (anything really) to try and talk about how you feel to someone. Best of luck #itsoktotalk

[S100HP]

You need to see your GP. Go and get help before it's too late.

[Don Roque]

Go to your GP. I've seen first hand the results of people jumping off the Tyne Bridge. You don't want to go that way. Accept help and try yourself turned around.

[Mastodon2]

I did always think you had terrible luck with cars! Do you still work at the bog roll factory? I'm guessing not if you walked past the bloke threatening to jump off the Tyne bridge - maybe a change of scenery and a new career might freshen you up a bit?

[Wacky Racer]

Doctors first port of call, (if you haven't already been)

Bear in mind anti-depressants take a few days/weeks to kick in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCd6LPzWscc

The absolute worse thing you can do is bottle it up, talk to people, and well done for having the courage to post.

[gregs656]

Echo the above, go and see the Dr. Your self diagnosis is - inevitably - negative because you're in a negative place, a more accurate diagnosis and a pathway to help could make all the difference.

You are not alone.

[jontykint]

In a few months, you are going to have a few quid spare...get that hobby back!!
Spend some of the extra you will have monthly on a car, start looking now, get some trips planned, track days, shows and all that jazz.
Go camping
Go for the job
Buy a stereo and some nice speakers
Ride a bike
Wear sunscreen (sorry couldn’t resist)!

[Trophy Husband]

Bless your honesty. I'll think that you will find that you are not alone.
It is the curse of men to feel the way that you feel.
Depression is a pernicious thing.
I let my wife read your post who works in psychiatry albeit with children/adolescents.
Her thoughts are that you need an intervention which can only be activated by you.
Please go to see your GP. There are some wonderful treatments available. Whether they be pharmaceutical or holistic (CBT etc).
I too have felt the way that you feel and being proud is being stupid at the same time. I stopped being proud.
Please seek help!
I promise you that once you do, the dark veil will lift although you have to run with it. It will take time to unravel everything.
I was asked 'do you want to be happy?'
My answer was obviously 'yes'.
The response?
'Well try to make it tomorrow'

The best of luck to you.

Suffering in silence is merely suffering.

Best of luck to you.