Funerals - who goes to them, and why?
Discussion
A colleague of mine was killed in an accident the other day. It was very painful for all concerned, and despite being cut out and evacuated to hospital, he died a few days later. Very sad for everyone, and a real loss, as he was a lovely bloke, and a good laugh.
His funeral is coming up, and I'm trying to decide if I should go.
One the one hand, it's marking respect, and to be seen to be doing so.
On the other hand, I'm not sure who it's marking respect for - I don't know his family so there's no support that I can give, he's dead, so not going to care. Other people I know will certainly go - should I go to show solidarity with them. They might like it, but wouldn't expect it.
I guess I will go (really don't want to), simply because I don't know if I can't....... but really....
Anyone else conflicted with this, or should I just man up, stop being in some way selfish, and get it done?
His funeral is coming up, and I'm trying to decide if I should go.
One the one hand, it's marking respect, and to be seen to be doing so.
On the other hand, I'm not sure who it's marking respect for - I don't know his family so there's no support that I can give, he's dead, so not going to care. Other people I know will certainly go - should I go to show solidarity with them. They might like it, but wouldn't expect it.
I guess I will go (really don't want to), simply because I don't know if I can't....... but really....
Anyone else conflicted with this, or should I just man up, stop being in some way selfish, and get it done?
In all seriousness, for me it’s a difficult thing to do from a work perspective - same office, sit at same table at lunch, then yes. Same office, but on different sides, talk for 5min / year at the Christmas do, then no.
The question I ask myself is; “would I feel guilty explaining to anyone that I’m not going?”. If the answer’s yes, then I need to go.
But to answer the question specifically: Dead people, because they’re carried there. (B-dum tish)
The question I ask myself is; “would I feel guilty explaining to anyone that I’m not going?”. If the answer’s yes, then I need to go.
But to answer the question specifically: Dead people, because they’re carried there. (B-dum tish)
You go to pay respects to the deceased. The deceased family may not know you but typically you will chat at the wake or pre/post service, you will talk about the deceased, you may have some stories or insight about them that his close family have not heard, these stories and details are important to them and really make a difference - go if you can.
You go to a funeral as a mark of respect for the person that passed. You may feel better for it after. When you remember your colleague in the future, either alone or as a group with other colleagues you might be glad you went. The family may also be happy to see lots of people there.
I’ve been to some where I’ve wondered if I should’ve gone. I tend to go for the service and then vanish before the awkward conversations on why you’re eating all the food that was put out for the family.
Of course if it’s raining and miles away you may not want to go. But it could also be a day off work!
I’ve been to some where I’ve wondered if I should’ve gone. I tend to go for the service and then vanish before the awkward conversations on why you’re eating all the food that was put out for the family.
Of course if it’s raining and miles away you may not want to go. But it could also be a day off work!
It is often a source of great comfort to family and friends when a loved one's funeral has a 'decent turnout', particularly when the death is unexpected. For that reason alone, if I think it will help those impacted by the death most by only the smallest of amounts, then I'll go and give them my support.
It's not like you need to be at one every week, is it?
It's not like you need to be at one every week, is it?
Personally I would go for a colleague, you spent as much time with them during the week as you do with family (if they’re a close colleague that is!)
A chap that I went to school with died a few years back of cancer, I went to primary school with him and secondary but we weren’t close really. I hadn’t seen him for maybe 10 years but some people were still shocked I didn’t go to his funeral, I suppose my yardstick is whether (if you could see anyway) you’d be surprised then showing up to yours!!
A chap that I went to school with died a few years back of cancer, I went to primary school with him and secondary but we weren’t close really. I hadn’t seen him for maybe 10 years but some people were still shocked I didn’t go to his funeral, I suppose my yardstick is whether (if you could see anyway) you’d be surprised then showing up to yours!!
Some see one as a celebration (albeit low key) of a life. IME, no eulogy ever includes stuff like, " He/she was a grasping parasite and we're glad to see the back of him/her."
OTOH, some see it as 'closure' leading to
duty done, get on with it now.
OTOH, some see it as 'closure' leading to
duty done, get on with it now.
Edited by davhill on Monday 12th August 21:36
For close relatives it's closure, otherwise an accidental death might be them never coming home one night.
For other family, and to a certain degree colleagues it's respect for the close family by turning up and showing that the person was liked.
For colleagues I think it should be one or two people tops (unless more like friends than colleagues). Nice for somebody to turn up from work, but not too many that the family have to make small talk with lots of people they don't know.
For other family, and to a certain degree colleagues it's respect for the close family by turning up and showing that the person was liked.
For colleagues I think it should be one or two people tops (unless more like friends than colleagues). Nice for somebody to turn up from work, but not too many that the family have to make small talk with lots of people they don't know.
I hate funerals, especially if its someone im not mega close to but would look rude if i didnt go. Even if im not close to the person they are very upsetting see other peoples distress.
But i will always go to show my respect and for people i know well as a sense of closure.
I would definately go if i was you.
But i will always go to show my respect and for people i know well as a sense of closure.
I would definately go if i was you.
I'm a biker and a member of a facebook group called UK Biker Escorts. I've been to 3 funerals in the last 12 months of people I didn't know and had no connection to. 2 to ride in a motorcycle escort from church to Crematorium and one for a former WW2 serviceman who died with no living relatives. I went to the funeral of a good mate's parents a couple of months ago as I knew them well growing up and wanted to be there to represent my family. Next week I'm going to the funeral of a former employee who was also a good mate that I hadn't seen for a few years. It's reasonably local and I'm not at work that day. I reckon he'd have done the same for me.
Go.
You never know what word of kindness you may say that a family member didn't know about the persons life and you'll give them an extra memory to treasure.
Had the alternative at a neighbours funeral last year (90+). He was a quiet guy, he took our parcels in. We'd talk about the weather and that was about it.
The eulogy about his life changed our perception of him from "Frank over the road".
Turned out he was quite technical and did some fairly hefty design work for planes in WW2, despite having being a teacher before. He then spent seven years post the war as a ferry pilot in Africa for various military transports. Came home. Became a Technical School Teacher. Did his PhD in astronomy at the age of 80! Was quite humbling for all of us on the road, which made us all think about "should we spend a bit more time getting to know each other, and not rush around involved soley in our own lives".....how I wish I'd talked more to Frank now, do now with his family that moved into the house but just goes to show how we live our lives too fast interested only in ourselves....
You never know what word of kindness you may say that a family member didn't know about the persons life and you'll give them an extra memory to treasure.
Had the alternative at a neighbours funeral last year (90+). He was a quiet guy, he took our parcels in. We'd talk about the weather and that was about it.
The eulogy about his life changed our perception of him from "Frank over the road".
Turned out he was quite technical and did some fairly hefty design work for planes in WW2, despite having being a teacher before. He then spent seven years post the war as a ferry pilot in Africa for various military transports. Came home. Became a Technical School Teacher. Did his PhD in astronomy at the age of 80! Was quite humbling for all of us on the road, which made us all think about "should we spend a bit more time getting to know each other, and not rush around involved soley in our own lives".....how I wish I'd talked more to Frank now, do now with his family that moved into the house but just goes to show how we live our lives too fast interested only in ourselves....
GetCarter said:
I don't ever go.
There's only one I will attend.
Why not? Too lazy? Too self-important with all your “projects”? A bit of a dick? Or just trying to show that you’re a bit “out there”?There's only one I will attend.
I’m afraid I’m with the criticism of you on the Sunday thread. These days, you seem to come across as a bit of smug smart arse whereas I always used to enjoy your posts ...
It wasn't a work colleague - more of a team mate in a local club. I saw him most weekends, and we'd often have a beer after, take the piss a bit, have a bit of banter. Rarely 'serious' stuff.
In the days before his accident, I spoke to him a couple of time on facebook as i was away on holiday, pulling his leg over a meal he was planning.
So it was quite a shock when he managed to get himself killed. Other team mates pulled him from the wreckage, and their stories are quite shocking, so you can imagine the affect it's had, and I guess a decent number of the team will go. But by no means all. Some are very matter of fact about it, but I'm a bit of an emotional wreck with stuff like this, and would much prefer to work and not think about it.
In the days before his accident, I spoke to him a couple of time on facebook as i was away on holiday, pulling his leg over a meal he was planning.
So it was quite a shock when he managed to get himself killed. Other team mates pulled him from the wreckage, and their stories are quite shocking, so you can imagine the affect it's had, and I guess a decent number of the team will go. But by no means all. Some are very matter of fact about it, but I'm a bit of an emotional wreck with stuff like this, and would much prefer to work and not think about it.
As long as you don't come across like this then you should probably go:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMLwT1LXFAU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMLwT1LXFAU
A lad at graft died about five years ago in his mid 40’s , drink related .
Seven of us from work turned up at the local crem.
Just as well we did , it doubled the turnout.
No girlfriend, no mates , just his family and a selection of colleagues from work.
Never been to a funeral like it before and I hope never again , a very sad end to a sad life.
Still glad I made the effort.
Seven of us from work turned up at the local crem.
Just as well we did , it doubled the turnout.
No girlfriend, no mates , just his family and a selection of colleagues from work.
Never been to a funeral like it before and I hope never again , a very sad end to a sad life.
Still glad I made the effort.
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