Distilled evil on the roads.
Discussion
I was waiting at traffic lights last weekend when I came across Pure Evil. I was second in line, humming a little ditty to myself, smoking a 'Bine, (I think the tune was 'Imagine', but it might have been something from 'This Is Spinal Tap'; anyway, that's not important). What is important is that it was a junction, the traffic was heavy, and there's a fair queue building up behind me waiting for the light to turn to green.
Our counterparts at the other side of the junction begin to stop. Our turn soon. Clutch. Into first. Release handbrake. C'mon c'mon lets get a move on. On your marks. Its like waiting for the starting pistol. Green, and they're off.
Except they're not. We're not.
I release a gentle honk. Perhaps the man in front of the queue is in not the finely tuned junction-athlete that the rest of us are. Nothing. What the t1ts is he up to ? Now I'm getting honked by the car behind me, and he's getting honked by the car behind him and its turning into a twenty car clusterf**k and none of us is getting a reacharound.
And its in amongst this noise and fury that I have a moment of clarity and zen-calm. I'm right behind the lead car. I can see him clearly. He has one hand draped over the passenger seat and with the other he's lighting a fag. Nice deep draw and release. Naturally, mine is already lit [i]because I'm not a complete b&stard[/i]. He looks at me in the mirror, and I look at him. He smiles, and suddenly I know what he's going to do.
Amber. The guy is straight into first, handbrake off and vwhoomf he's over the junction in an eye-blink and I'm straight after him, traction control squeaking in protest. We were the only cars that made it. The rest, sadly, were lost to the red light and red mist that swiftly followed. There's honking and incandescent rage and in my rear-view I can see that some people have been caught in the no-man's land of the yellow box. Condemned to block on-coming traffic until Green cometh again.
The misguided genius of the man. The distilled evil of it. I remember someone saying something about this mass-market devilment many years ago; it's the way the world is going. Why produce a tailored and beautiful evil when you can create an off-the-peg annoyance and give everyone around you a bad day? Clearly this chap's attitude.
So, before I make my contract with the Devil, I need to be briefed on what kind of annoyance is popular amongst roadgoing satanists these days. I mean this fellow had no reason whatsoever for p1ssing everyone around him off but, when confronted by numptiness, what terrible things do PHers do on the roads (anyone who says 'brake testing' will be summarily executed). Is it simply nonchalant indifference bound to wind the perp up, or is it full-on road rage-tastic demon worship? Obviously I know about my accountant who has traded his soul to secure a place with the higher echelons of Hell, but what about you ... normal people ... ? Do you rise to it, and how do you respond?
Worse still, are any of you like Damien-son-of-Satan, whose behaviour I describe; wind others up on the road for sheer, unadulterated devilry? Are any of you, in a word, just ... bad...? Hmm?
Our counterparts at the other side of the junction begin to stop. Our turn soon. Clutch. Into first. Release handbrake. C'mon c'mon lets get a move on. On your marks. Its like waiting for the starting pistol. Green, and they're off.
Except they're not. We're not.
I release a gentle honk. Perhaps the man in front of the queue is in not the finely tuned junction-athlete that the rest of us are. Nothing. What the t1ts is he up to ? Now I'm getting honked by the car behind me, and he's getting honked by the car behind him and its turning into a twenty car clusterf**k and none of us is getting a reacharound.
And its in amongst this noise and fury that I have a moment of clarity and zen-calm. I'm right behind the lead car. I can see him clearly. He has one hand draped over the passenger seat and with the other he's lighting a fag. Nice deep draw and release. Naturally, mine is already lit [i]because I'm not a complete b&stard[/i]. He looks at me in the mirror, and I look at him. He smiles, and suddenly I know what he's going to do.
Amber. The guy is straight into first, handbrake off and vwhoomf he's over the junction in an eye-blink and I'm straight after him, traction control squeaking in protest. We were the only cars that made it. The rest, sadly, were lost to the red light and red mist that swiftly followed. There's honking and incandescent rage and in my rear-view I can see that some people have been caught in the no-man's land of the yellow box. Condemned to block on-coming traffic until Green cometh again.
The misguided genius of the man. The distilled evil of it. I remember someone saying something about this mass-market devilment many years ago; it's the way the world is going. Why produce a tailored and beautiful evil when you can create an off-the-peg annoyance and give everyone around you a bad day? Clearly this chap's attitude.
So, before I make my contract with the Devil, I need to be briefed on what kind of annoyance is popular amongst roadgoing satanists these days. I mean this fellow had no reason whatsoever for p1ssing everyone around him off but, when confronted by numptiness, what terrible things do PHers do on the roads (anyone who says 'brake testing' will be summarily executed). Is it simply nonchalant indifference bound to wind the perp up, or is it full-on road rage-tastic demon worship? Obviously I know about my accountant who has traded his soul to secure a place with the higher echelons of Hell, but what about you ... normal people ... ? Do you rise to it, and how do you respond?
Worse still, are any of you like Damien-son-of-Satan, whose behaviour I describe; wind others up on the road for sheer, unadulterated devilry? Are any of you, in a word, just ... bad...? Hmm?
hi harry, ill light up first next time, promiseI am amazed by these people who think they have all the time in the world at the lights, and only do something about moving when the lights have already changed. My driving instructor always said that, when waiting at the lights, keep the clutch pedal down and the gear lever in first, and one hand on the handbrake. Unless you're stopping for good there's no excuse for anything else.
Lighting a fag as the lights change sounds pretty selfish but a bit of a one-off. What's worse is the everyday occurence of sitting behind someone, the lights change, then they suddenly awake from a daydream and start fumbling about, trying to figure out which one's the gear lever, which one's the handbrake, where the bite point is etc. Amber means 'be prepared'. Too many people forget that.
Lighting a fag as the lights change sounds pretty selfish but a bit of a one-off. What's worse is the everyday occurence of sitting behind someone, the lights change, then they suddenly awake from a daydream and start fumbling about, trying to figure out which one's the gear lever, which one's the handbrake, where the bite point is etc. Amber means 'be prepared'. Too many people forget that.
kenny320 said:
Has Derestrictor got a second login name? Such a post is worthy of comparison to his fine work 
>> Edited by kenny320 on Thursday 2nd June 15:42
Occasionally (especially after a good lunch and when slightly basted in wine) I can be bothered to splurge erudition and loquaciousness across something (I like the way that that sounds vaguely disgusting, on reflection). Don't worry, it will pass as sobriety crawls over me again.
Twincam16 said:
I am amazed by these people who think they have all the time in the world at the lights, and only do something about moving when the lights have already changed. My driving instructor always said that, when waiting at the lights, keep the clutch pedal down and the gear lever in first, and one hand on the handbrake. Unless you're stopping for good there's no excuse for anything else.
Lighting a fag as the lights change sounds pretty selfish but a bit of a one-off. What's worse is the everyday occurence of sitting behind someone, the lights change, then they suddenly awake from a daydream and start fumbling about, trying to figure out which one's the gear lever, which one's the handbrake, where the bite point is etc. Amber means 'be prepared'. Too many people forget that.
I don't think TC gets it. Bless him.
This might be why you don't get laid/have problems with job interviews - you are entirely lacking in guile, viciousness and b*stardry. While admirable, it's sort of like being a bit deficient, in today's world.
Uncle Harry will teach you, don't worry.
Twincam16 said:
I am amazed by these people who think they have all the time in the world at the lights, and only do something about moving when the lights have already changed. My driving instructor always said that, when waiting at the lights, keep the clutch pedal down and the gear lever in first, and one hand on the handbrake. Unless you're stopping for good there's no excuse for anything else.
Lighting a fag as the lights change sounds pretty selfish but a bit of a one-off. What's worse is the everyday occurence of sitting behind someone, the lights change, then they suddenly awake from a daydream and start fumbling about, trying to figure out which one's the gear lever, which one's the handbrake, where the bite point is etc. Amber means 'be prepared'. Too many people forget that.
True, but they have no style. This chap is the absolute mustard by the sounds of it. I'm imagining Leslie Philips at the wheel of an XJS, shrilling "Hard cheese, commoners" as he roars off.
lotuslad said:
I am amazed by these people who think they have all the time in the world at the lights, and only do something about moving when the lights have already changed. My driving instructor always said that, when waiting at the lights, keep the clutch pedal down and the gear lever in first, and one hand on the handbrake. Unless you're stopping for good there's no excuse for anything else.
Lighting a fag as the lights change sounds pretty selfish but a bit of a one-off. What's worse is the everyday occurence of sitting behind someone, the lights change, then they suddenly awake from a daydream and start fumbling about, trying to figure out which one's the gear lever, which one's the handbrake, where the bite point is etc. Amber means 'be prepared'. Too many people forget that.
True, but they have no style. This chap is the absolute mustard by the sounds of it. I'm imagining Leslie Philips at the wheel of an XJS, shrilling "Hard cheese, commoners" as he roars off.
Pretty accurate. This man was no MaxPowerHerbert - raffish in a creased and slightly seedy way, and driving a C43AMG. Clearly a veteran baiter of junction-dwellers.
Harry Flashman said:
I don't think TC gets it. Bless him.
This might be why you don't get laid/have problems with job interviews - you are entirely lacking in guile, viciousness and b*stardry. While admirable, it's sort of like being a bit deficient, in today's world.
Uncle Harry will teach you, don't worry.
I'm not going to get irritated by that comment.
But, why???
Oh, and I can be a right basterd, believe you me
Twincam16 said:
I don't think TC gets it. Bless him.
This might be why you don't get laid/have problems with job interviews - you are entirely lacking in guile, viciousness and b*stardry. While admirable, it's sort of like being a bit deficient, in today's world.
Uncle Harry will teach you, don't worry.
I'm not going to get irritated by that comment.
But, why???
Oh, and I can be a right basterd, believe you me
Why what, chap? If about the deficiency comment, it's because it's a naughty old world out there.
Although I was really only gently pulling your leg, for your serious demeanour on this most silly of threads.
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