Child accessing online pawn
Discussion
Looking for some advice, hopefully constructive although I'm not confident with this place 
Basic gist - my 11 year old stepson was caught accessing porn a couple of days ago. He was at his dads and his partners house at the time, myself and my partner haven't seen him since this happened (his dad phoned my partner last night to tell her). He spends half the week at his dads, half with us. He has been banned from all electronics for a month as an immediate punishment, but I'd like to hear any experiences/advice from anyone who has been in this situation and what was actually discussed and resolved.
My partner, like a lot of mothers, struggles to accept the boy is growing up and will become a man at some point, and I think she sees this incident for perhaps more than it is - I'm a bit on the fence in that clearly he needs taught that it's wrong etc, but equally it's a bit natural for a boy to find this stuff and also he's not committed a crime like vandalism or whatever so a sense of perspective is needed. I think we're slightly shocked he's accessing it at his age, we expected this to perhaps happen in a couple of years as he's not giving any other signals of puberty kicking in yet, like being interested in girls etc.
What thickens the plot slightly is that him and his sister go to school near their paternal grandmother (widow in her late 50s), and spend a fair bit of time there in that she is the drop-off point, looks after them on school in-service days etc. Like any grandmother, she spoils them and bought the boy a smartphone last year (without checking with the parents) which my partner wasn't chuffed about. This is what he's used to access the porn (via 4G), as the grandmother pays the phone contract. I personally think both kids spend far too much time glued to devices, but it's a difficult one for me as I'm not the actual parent. There is currently a suspicion that the phone/internet ban for a month may be relaxed at gran's house as she's a bit soft with them. My partner generally gets on fine with her ex-MiL.
All parties get on ok but I feel that this incident (which needs dealt with individually on its own merits) is a bit of a flag for the overall relationship in that each party (mum, dad, grandmother/ex-MiL) needs to sit down and agree a set of ground rules that apply in all houses, so that the kids don't get away with stuff at dad's that they don't here, for example. Also slightly difficult for my partner to tell her ex-MiL what to do, easier for her son to say that but I don't think he's the greatest at laying down the law - like a lot of men he just wants an easy life.
Sorry for the long post, but all thoughts welcomed.
Basic gist - my 11 year old stepson was caught accessing porn a couple of days ago. He was at his dads and his partners house at the time, myself and my partner haven't seen him since this happened (his dad phoned my partner last night to tell her). He spends half the week at his dads, half with us. He has been banned from all electronics for a month as an immediate punishment, but I'd like to hear any experiences/advice from anyone who has been in this situation and what was actually discussed and resolved.
My partner, like a lot of mothers, struggles to accept the boy is growing up and will become a man at some point, and I think she sees this incident for perhaps more than it is - I'm a bit on the fence in that clearly he needs taught that it's wrong etc, but equally it's a bit natural for a boy to find this stuff and also he's not committed a crime like vandalism or whatever so a sense of perspective is needed. I think we're slightly shocked he's accessing it at his age, we expected this to perhaps happen in a couple of years as he's not giving any other signals of puberty kicking in yet, like being interested in girls etc.
What thickens the plot slightly is that him and his sister go to school near their paternal grandmother (widow in her late 50s), and spend a fair bit of time there in that she is the drop-off point, looks after them on school in-service days etc. Like any grandmother, she spoils them and bought the boy a smartphone last year (without checking with the parents) which my partner wasn't chuffed about. This is what he's used to access the porn (via 4G), as the grandmother pays the phone contract. I personally think both kids spend far too much time glued to devices, but it's a difficult one for me as I'm not the actual parent. There is currently a suspicion that the phone/internet ban for a month may be relaxed at gran's house as she's a bit soft with them. My partner generally gets on fine with her ex-MiL.
All parties get on ok but I feel that this incident (which needs dealt with individually on its own merits) is a bit of a flag for the overall relationship in that each party (mum, dad, grandmother/ex-MiL) needs to sit down and agree a set of ground rules that apply in all houses, so that the kids don't get away with stuff at dad's that they don't here, for example. Also slightly difficult for my partner to tell her ex-MiL what to do, easier for her son to say that but I don't think he's the greatest at laying down the law - like a lot of men he just wants an easy life.
Sorry for the long post, but all thoughts welcomed.
Punishment seems harsh. In fact, it seems inappropriate and only likely to drive division into a situation where communication is probably more useful.
What's abnormal or wrong about curiosity? Is it his fault the opportunity was there to indulge that curiosity?
It doesn't seem like a case of right or wrong (maybe something like getting caught stealing). It seems like something any of us would do given the chance at that age.
Of course, there's no rule book for parenting, and we all have to do what we think is best, but I can't see how a harsh punishment is helpful here.
I would undo that, hand back all the electronics, and have a long talk instead.
What's abnormal or wrong about curiosity? Is it his fault the opportunity was there to indulge that curiosity?
It doesn't seem like a case of right or wrong (maybe something like getting caught stealing). It seems like something any of us would do given the chance at that age.
Of course, there's no rule book for parenting, and we all have to do what we think is best, but I can't see how a harsh punishment is helpful here.
I would undo that, hand back all the electronics, and have a long talk instead.
I don’t have kids so take my advice with a pinch of salt but I think that parents tend to over blow these things.
11 is pretty young but it’s just normal curiosity. No different to when we were kids except we had to work harder and go rooting around in the back of Dad’s wardrobe to get our hands on it, and now it’s much easier!
Technology blanket ban for being curious about sex doesn’t seem particularly appropriate to me as a non parent. There must be ways to control the sort of sites he can access through devices.
11 is pretty young but it’s just normal curiosity. No different to when we were kids except we had to work harder and go rooting around in the back of Dad’s wardrobe to get our hands on it, and now it’s much easier!
Technology blanket ban for being curious about sex doesn’t seem particularly appropriate to me as a non parent. There must be ways to control the sort of sites he can access through devices.
Apart from the above about exposing porn isn’t reality, most (if not all?) providers have an adult content block. The grandmother would have to ask for that to be put on.
This won’t stop accessing via VPN but it would be a start and if he can figure out tor and/or VPN then that’s great :-)
This won’t stop accessing via VPN but it would be a start and if he can figure out tor and/or VPN then that’s great :-)
CrossMember said:
Punishment seems harsh. In fact, it seems inappropriate and only likely to drive division into a situation where communication is probably more useful.
What's abnormal or wrong about curiosity? Is it his fault the opportunity was there to indulge that curiosity?
It doesn't seem like a case of right or wrong (maybe something like getting caught stealing). It seems like something any of us would do given the chance at that age.
Of course, there's no rule book for parenting, and we all have to do what we think is best, but I can't see how a harsh punishment is helpful here.
I would undo that, hand back all the electronics, and have a long talk instead.
Think you've hit the nail right on the head there. What's abnormal or wrong about curiosity? Is it his fault the opportunity was there to indulge that curiosity?
It doesn't seem like a case of right or wrong (maybe something like getting caught stealing). It seems like something any of us would do given the chance at that age.
Of course, there's no rule book for parenting, and we all have to do what we think is best, but I can't see how a harsh punishment is helpful here.
I would undo that, hand back all the electronics, and have a long talk instead.
Thanks for the replies so far. I would tend to agree the ban is harsh for what he's done, but I think a month away from phone would do him the world of good; even if the reasons for that don't relate to the crime, so to speak. We get the kids back on Sunday so will be an interesting talk then. I don't have kids of my own, and my stepkids have only lived with me for a year so I'm still a bit green about the whole parenting thing.
From what I'm hearing, the ban is very much the stepmother's idea - I don't think his dad would be so harsh. It's an interesting one, as neither his dad or I grew up with online porn being so easy to access so it's a bit of a new area.
The boy is very bright and good with computers, so I suspect creating a VPN at grans wouldn't be difficult for him to get around any parental controls...
From what I'm hearing, the ban is very much the stepmother's idea - I don't think his dad would be so harsh. It's an interesting one, as neither his dad or I grew up with online porn being so easy to access so it's a bit of a new area.
The boy is very bright and good with computers, so I suspect creating a VPN at grans wouldn't be difficult for him to get around any parental controls...
mattnovak said:
Its just the modern day equivalent of finding Razzle in a hedge. But a lot more accessible, which is where, IMO, the controls come in.
I don't have kids btw.
Agreed, although what's available online these days is free and easily accessible hardcore porn, in any flavour you desire, it's no longer a schoolboy titter at some boobs like it used to be. I don't have kids btw.
The overzealous punishment won't help at all. It would be much better to have the conversation and educate the internet is 99% of this stuff, and there are plenty of nasty websites that can cause a virus etc.
Most internet providers have an 'opt-out' filter now. it's not the kid's fault if he's stumbled into it.
Most internet providers have an 'opt-out' filter now. it's not the kid's fault if he's stumbled into it.
I do have kids.
My business supplies some elements of the adult industry. I work with lots of people who make their living in this industry.
I have also been involved in the aborted govt attempts to bring in adult verification.
My advice here is :
a) No punishment required.
b) A light hearted conversation should take place along the lines of "you know this is not real sex right ?, you know this is actually a click bait freak show intended to sell as much ad space as possible ?".
c) Sex is normal. 11 year olds becoming sexually aware is normal.
d) Anyone who was brought up in an environment where sex was the work of the devil will concur with the above. Guilt has no place in normal sexual development.
e) I have nothing to add regarding the rest of the family matters you referred to, however if the lad was watching pornhub at their house, he was probably watching it at yours as well so the moral high ground might be a bit shaky.
My business supplies some elements of the adult industry. I work with lots of people who make their living in this industry.
I have also been involved in the aborted govt attempts to bring in adult verification.
My advice here is :
a) No punishment required.
b) A light hearted conversation should take place along the lines of "you know this is not real sex right ?, you know this is actually a click bait freak show intended to sell as much ad space as possible ?".
c) Sex is normal. 11 year olds becoming sexually aware is normal.
d) Anyone who was brought up in an environment where sex was the work of the devil will concur with the above. Guilt has no place in normal sexual development.
e) I have nothing to add regarding the rest of the family matters you referred to, however if the lad was watching pornhub at their house, he was probably watching it at yours as well so the moral high ground might be a bit shaky.
My nephew did this a few years back now when he was a similar age. His parents hit the roof and was banned from iPads and had his phone etc. confiscated.
I had a chat with him about the unrealisticness of porn online and also bought him some "artful top shelf magazines that display a more natural view of the undraped female form"
I had a chat with him about the unrealisticness of porn online and also bought him some "artful top shelf magazines that display a more natural view of the undraped female form"
cbmotorsport said:
Agreed, although what's available online these days is free and easily accessible hardcore porn, in any flavour you desire, it's no longer a schoolboy titter at some boobs like it used to be.
This! I dread to think how I'd have turned out if instead of looking at Miss Mary of Sweden models in Grattan catalogues or Maria Whittaker in Mayfair I'd have had instant access to some of the more bizarre German "art films" that are allegedly available on that internet 
alorotom said:
I had a chat with him about the unrealisticness of porn online and also bought him some "artful top shelf magazines that display a more natural view of the undraped female form"
That is very...weird!Anyway - You can get a parental controls type app to prevent access to the naughty stuff. I suggest you do that.
If kids are accessing it from a home router/WiFi, sign up for OpenDNS parental shield which is free https://www.opendns.com/setupguide/#familyshield
You'll need to change the DNS on your router, but that should be easy enough in most cases. Failing that, you'll have to change it on the device itself (which a savvy kid might suss out).
The length of ban does seem harsh but what ever you and your partner decide, you cannot overrule the punishment without agreeing it first with the ex, who set the punishment. I guess you know that already as there lies trouble. Both sets of 'parents' need to chat with him, together if possible.
alorotom said:
My nephew did this a few years back now when he was a similar age. His parents hit the roof and was banned from iPads and had his phone etc. confiscated.
I had a chat with him about the unrealisticness of porn online and also bought him some "artful top shelf magazines that display a more natural view of the undraped female form"
WTF lolI had a chat with him about the unrealisticness of porn online and also bought him some "artful top shelf magazines that display a more natural view of the undraped female form"
cbmotorsport said:
Agreed, although what's available online these days is free and easily accessible hardcore porn, in any flavour you desire, it's no longer a schoolboy titter at some boobs like it used to be.
Absolutely, mags gave you an idea of what women looked like naked. Online pron gives children very distorted, very graphic and frequently incredibly disturbing portrayals of sexual relationships.This need to be dealt with holistically if possible - Both sets of parents and grandmother. I’d imagine the parents understand what’s out there but the grandmother might me naive - I’d suggest she needs a frank discussion, or category list, about what’s available on mainstream sites.
The kid doesn’t need telling off or punishing but does need to understand the dangers of accessing adult content.
To end on a lighter note. As a teenager my mum found some S&M magazines in my bedroom, she was disgusted and gave me the ‘wait until your dad gets home’ lecture. She showed him the magazines when he walked through the door and said ‘well what do you want me to do about this?!’ Dad replied ‘well I don't think we should spank him’
IMO, there will be follow on issues to the ban. his friends will find out that he has had his devices removed for looking at porn and that will lead to teasing/bullying.
It's an overreaction to something that we all do (let's have a grown up conversation, shall we...)
those without sin to cast the first stone and all that.... it's just massively hypocritical of all the males involved. We all did it at that age (and continue to do so)
you won't stop it and will just add a LOAD of resentment and embarrassment. If you don't want him to open up to you in the future, you're going a good way about it...
It's an overreaction to something that we all do (let's have a grown up conversation, shall we...)
those without sin to cast the first stone and all that.... it's just massively hypocritical of all the males involved. We all did it at that age (and continue to do so)
you won't stop it and will just add a LOAD of resentment and embarrassment. If you don't want him to open up to you in the future, you're going a good way about it...
bristolbaron said:
cbmotorsport said:
Agreed, although what's available online these days is free and easily accessible hardcore porn, in any flavour you desire, it's no longer a schoolboy titter at some boobs like it used to be.
Absolutely, mags gave you an idea of what women looked like naked. Online pron gives children very distorted, very graphic and frequently incredibly disturbing portrayals of sexual relationships.This need to be dealt with holistically if possible - Both sets of parents and grandmother. I’d imagine the parents understand what’s out there but the grandmother might me naive - I’d suggest she needs a frank discussion, or category list, about what’s available on mainstream sites.
The kid doesn’t need telling off or punishing but does need to understand the dangers of accessing adult content.
To end on a lighter note. As a teenager my mum found some S&M magazines in my bedroom, she was disgusted and gave me the ‘wait until your dad gets home’ lecture. She showed him the magazines when he walked through the door and said ‘well what do you want me to do about this?!’ Dad replied ‘well I don't think we should spank him’
You're never going to stop your kids from looking at it but having the discussion as to what it's really like in reality and where the line is drawn on the Internet stuff is a tough one to have. I know my missus isn't going to be pleased when my boy hits puberty
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