Discussion
Some will recognise I've had challenges with my step-son over the years. He's dabbled with drugs, alcohol and had challenging behaviours.
As he's entered into his early twenties, these traits have sorted themselves out. He no longer goes near drugs, does not smoke, has a driving license and decent car, and a decent job working for a insurance company.
Yet he is still an idiot. Everytime we go away something will happen. In the summer we went away and on the day we left he crashed his car into a neighbours house. Last weekend we were away, he lost his car key at a football match. My parents bailed him out by driving his spare key 100 miles.
Despite working a Noon - 9PM shift he did not bother to sort out a replacement house key. He was given my wifes key for today and told to sort it out.
The result was he locked the side door that we use using internal bolts, locked the front door that we don't use, and pushed the keys through the letterbox. If only any of use had a front door key on key rings.
He can't perform basic tasks such as switching lights off. We came home after weekend to find the bathroom light had been on all weekend again.
I'm exasperated. It's doing my nut in. Its usually fairly minor stuff. But one day it won't be!
Just getting rid of some stress... But any tips appreciated.
As he's entered into his early twenties, these traits have sorted themselves out. He no longer goes near drugs, does not smoke, has a driving license and decent car, and a decent job working for a insurance company.
Yet he is still an idiot. Everytime we go away something will happen. In the summer we went away and on the day we left he crashed his car into a neighbours house. Last weekend we were away, he lost his car key at a football match. My parents bailed him out by driving his spare key 100 miles.
Despite working a Noon - 9PM shift he did not bother to sort out a replacement house key. He was given my wifes key for today and told to sort it out.
The result was he locked the side door that we use using internal bolts, locked the front door that we don't use, and pushed the keys through the letterbox. If only any of use had a front door key on key rings.
He can't perform basic tasks such as switching lights off. We came home after weekend to find the bathroom light had been on all weekend again.
I'm exasperated. It's doing my nut in. Its usually fairly minor stuff. But one day it won't be!
Just getting rid of some stress... But any tips appreciated.
No tips I'm afraid but I genuinely feel your pain.
My stepson was 30 this year and can't be trusted with a house key. He's lost loads of them, promised to get replacements, but failed to do so because he's too mean to buy them. I've just had to buy more as he's now lost his mums key and the one that should be in the key safe. He's locked himself out when we were away for the weekend more than once.
As you'll have guessed, he lives with us. God knows how he'll ever survive in the real world.
ETA yes .. like you things just seem to happen when we're away. Came back recently to find an expensive knife with the tip broken off and the edge ruined. He was mystified how it could have happened despite the fact that it was just him and a mate in the house when we were away.
I feel a bit better now with that off my chest.
My stepson was 30 this year and can't be trusted with a house key. He's lost loads of them, promised to get replacements, but failed to do so because he's too mean to buy them. I've just had to buy more as he's now lost his mums key and the one that should be in the key safe. He's locked himself out when we were away for the weekend more than once.
As you'll have guessed, he lives with us. God knows how he'll ever survive in the real world.
ETA yes .. like you things just seem to happen when we're away. Came back recently to find an expensive knife with the tip broken off and the edge ruined. He was mystified how it could have happened despite the fact that it was just him and a mate in the house when we were away.
I feel a bit better now with that off my chest.
Edited by Composer62 on Thursday 14th November 20:46
Drezza said:
Boot him out? If i had a man child in my house I'd only allow it if he was saving tirelessly for a house.
He is saving, although this week has dented his efforts. He has....£90 for new car spare key.
£140 for house locksmith.
£30 for driving in a bus lane.
£40 parking ticket for overstaying....
I feel you pain albeit my son is starting to "grow up" and realise the responsiblity.
He's 18, just got his first proper job out of school in retail. They recognise he's not completely stupid and with 3 weeks of training hes a supervisor with keys and alarm codes for the store and doing cashups of £25K a day plus.
All the while his bedroom is an inhabitable mess, he can't shave properly and his priority is females.
To be fair, for 18 he's not doing too bad and I think it's very easy to be critical of your kids.
I am very, very conscious of re-living my life vicariously through them.
Edit... Ahh... Missed the bit about him being 30 odd!
He's 18, just got his first proper job out of school in retail. They recognise he's not completely stupid and with 3 weeks of training hes a supervisor with keys and alarm codes for the store and doing cashups of £25K a day plus.
All the while his bedroom is an inhabitable mess, he can't shave properly and his priority is females.
To be fair, for 18 he's not doing too bad and I think it's very easy to be critical of your kids.
I am very, very conscious of re-living my life vicariously through them.
Edit... Ahh... Missed the bit about him being 30 odd!
Edited by 21TonyK on Thursday 14th November 20:44
21TonyK said:
I feel you pain albeit my son is starting to "grow up" and realise the responsiblity.
He's 18, just got his first proper job out of school in retail. They recognise he's not completely stupid and with 3 weeks of training hes a supervisor with keys and alarm codes for the store and doing cashups of £25K a day plus.
All the while his bedroom is an inhabitable mess, he can't shave properly and his priority is females.
To be fair, for 18 he's not doing too bad and I think it's very easy to be critical of your kids.
I am very, very conscious of re-living my life vicariously through them.
Edit... Ahh... Missed the bit about him being 30 odd!
That was someone else. Mine is 23He's 18, just got his first proper job out of school in retail. They recognise he's not completely stupid and with 3 weeks of training hes a supervisor with keys and alarm codes for the store and doing cashups of £25K a day plus.
All the while his bedroom is an inhabitable mess, he can't shave properly and his priority is females.
To be fair, for 18 he's not doing too bad and I think it's very easy to be critical of your kids.
I am very, very conscious of re-living my life vicariously through them.
Edit... Ahh... Missed the bit about him being 30 odd!
Edited by 21TonyK on Thursday 14th November 20:44
Its really difficult, I know at 23 I had two companies, a mortgage and was nearly married. My kids rte 18 and 21, neither would even dream of a similar position.
Societal expectations? I don't know.
Realistically 23 isn't *that* old (okay inside I am saying it is) so maybe time to ramp up the pressure. Rent,responsibilities etc
Societal expectations? I don't know.
Realistically 23 isn't *that* old (okay inside I am saying it is) so maybe time to ramp up the pressure. Rent,responsibilities etc
surveyor said:
He is saving, although this week has dented his efforts. He has....
£90 for new car spare key.
£140 for house locksmith.
£30 for driving in a bus lane.
£40 parking ticket for overstaying....
£90 for new car spare key.
£140 for house locksmith.
£30 for driving in a bus lane.
£40 parking ticket for overstaying....
surveyor said:
He no longer goes near drugs, does not smoke, has a driving license and decent car, and a decent job working for a insurance company.
Offer him the deposit on his first «house share» and have him move out. Independence should be above the priority of a "decent car". Having a car is nice, no question- but at his age he needs to understand the value of money and action / consequence - and independence.He doesn't necessarily need a place of his own.
surveyor said:
Some will recognise I've had challenges with my step-son over the years. He's dabbled with drugs, alcohol and had challenging behaviours.
As he's entered into his early twenties, these traits have sorted themselves out. He no longer goes near drugs, does not smoke, has a driving license and decent car, and a decent job working for a insurance company.
Yet he is still an idiot. Everytime we go away something will happen. In the summer we went away and on the day we left he crashed his car into a neighbours house. Last weekend we were away, he lost his car key at a football match. My parents bailed him out by driving his spare key 100 miles.
Despite working a Noon - 9PM shift he did not bother to sort out a replacement house key. He was given my wifes key for today and told to sort it out.
The result was he locked the side door that we use using internal bolts, locked the front door that we don't use, and pushed the keys through the letterbox. If only any of use had a front door key on key rings.
He can't perform basic tasks such as switching lights off. We came home after weekend to find the bathroom light had been on all weekend again.
I'm exasperated. It's doing my nut in. Its usually fairly minor stuff. But one day it won't be!
Just getting rid of some stress... But any tips appreciated.
Sounds like my 50 year old wife and she'd say sounds like her 55 year old hubby. It is called humanity. Mind you at least now there is a term for it. You can tell him you are greening up your lifestyle and doing a Greta on him, as his lifestyle is killing the planet and no longer welcome in your house - in which once he has gone you will use the spare rooms to sequester and store CO2 out the atmosphere for ever and a day.As he's entered into his early twenties, these traits have sorted themselves out. He no longer goes near drugs, does not smoke, has a driving license and decent car, and a decent job working for a insurance company.
Yet he is still an idiot. Everytime we go away something will happen. In the summer we went away and on the day we left he crashed his car into a neighbours house. Last weekend we were away, he lost his car key at a football match. My parents bailed him out by driving his spare key 100 miles.
Despite working a Noon - 9PM shift he did not bother to sort out a replacement house key. He was given my wifes key for today and told to sort it out.
The result was he locked the side door that we use using internal bolts, locked the front door that we don't use, and pushed the keys through the letterbox. If only any of use had a front door key on key rings.
He can't perform basic tasks such as switching lights off. We came home after weekend to find the bathroom light had been on all weekend again.
I'm exasperated. It's doing my nut in. Its usually fairly minor stuff. But one day it won't be!
Just getting rid of some stress... But any tips appreciated.
surveyor said:
Drezza said:
Boot him out? If i had a man child in my house I'd only allow it if he was saving tirelessly for a house.
He is saving, although this week has dented his efforts. He has....£90 for new car spare key.
£140 for house locksmith.
£30 for driving in a bus lane.
£40 parking ticket for overstaying....
But remember to keep things in perspective, would you rather have the drugs and problems, or this chap that likes to learn the hard way?
He’ll get there eventually with a bit of support
Jim
Wow and I get the hump when my 20 yo daughter, who is a trainee vet nurse who is trusted to give injections, be present and help at operations, administers chemo drugs to dogs, has the keys, alarm code and access to the drugs safe at the vets that she is doing her placement at; doesn't clear up properly after she has cleaned her guinea pigs at home!
Edited by HTP99 on Thursday 14th November 22:56
Composer62 said:
No tips I'm afraid but I genuinely feel your pain.
My stepson was 30 this year and can't be trusted with a house key. He's lost loads of them, promised to get replacements, but failed to do so because he's too mean to buy them. I've just had to buy more as he's now lost his mums key and the one that should be in the key safe. He's locked himself out when we were away for the weekend more than once.
As you'll have guessed, he lives with us. God knows how he'll ever survive in the real world.
ETA yes .. like you things just seem to happen when we're away. Came back recently to find an expensive knife with the tip broken off and the edge ruined. He was mystified how it could have happened despite the fact that it was just him and a mate in the house when we were away.
I feel a bit better now with that off my chest.
Wow, how long are you and his mum prepared to put up with him living in your house for?My stepson was 30 this year and can't be trusted with a house key. He's lost loads of them, promised to get replacements, but failed to do so because he's too mean to buy them. I've just had to buy more as he's now lost his mums key and the one that should be in the key safe. He's locked himself out when we were away for the weekend more than once.
As you'll have guessed, he lives with us. God knows how he'll ever survive in the real world.
ETA yes .. like you things just seem to happen when we're away. Came back recently to find an expensive knife with the tip broken off and the edge ruined. He was mystified how it could have happened despite the fact that it was just him and a mate in the house when we were away.
I feel a bit better now with that off my chest.
Edited by Composer62 on Thursday 14th November 20:46
I understand that everyone is different but there must be a limit. I moved out of my parent's place voluntarily at 18, lived in various house-shares in different parts of the UK for a few years and had an awesome time. Managed to get a decent job when i was 22/23 and bought a place of my own.
If your step-son is 30, the average mortgage is 25 years so he might still be paying it off when he is 55.
If he leaves it a few years more, he might be paying for it out of his pension.
Does he realise this or is he living in a bubble?
t together.surveyor said:
Some will recognise I've had challenges with my step-son over the years. He's dabbled with drugs, alcohol and had challenging behaviours.
As he's entered into his early twenties, these traits have sorted themselves out. He no longer goes near drugs, does not smoke, has a driving license and decent car, and a decent job working for a insurance company.
Yet he is still an idiot. Everytime we go away something will happen. In the summer we went away and on the day we left he crashed his car into a neighbours house. Last weekend we were away, he lost his car key at a football match. My parents bailed him out by driving his spare key 100 miles.
Despite working a Noon - 9PM shift he did not bother to sort out a replacement house key. He was given my wifes key for today and told to sort it out.
The result was he locked the side door that we use using internal bolts, locked the front door that we don't use, and pushed the keys through the letterbox. If only any of use had a front door key on key rings.
He can't perform basic tasks such as switching lights off. We came home after weekend to find the bathroom light had been on all weekend again.
I'm exasperated. It's doing my nut in. Its usually fairly minor stuff. But one day it won't be!
Just getting rid of some stress... But any tips appreciated.
My step daughter is just the same, gets drunk most nights, does drugs, hast lost so many phones, no common sense but she thinks she has loads, her flat has been robbed three times because she doesnt keep it secure. She earns a very large amount of money but spends it all, she once phoned and said she had no food and no money so I sent her £100 on her credit card and she bought 5 bottles of champagne with it.As he's entered into his early twenties, these traits have sorted themselves out. He no longer goes near drugs, does not smoke, has a driving license and decent car, and a decent job working for a insurance company.
Yet he is still an idiot. Everytime we go away something will happen. In the summer we went away and on the day we left he crashed his car into a neighbours house. Last weekend we were away, he lost his car key at a football match. My parents bailed him out by driving his spare key 100 miles.
Despite working a Noon - 9PM shift he did not bother to sort out a replacement house key. He was given my wifes key for today and told to sort it out.
The result was he locked the side door that we use using internal bolts, locked the front door that we don't use, and pushed the keys through the letterbox. If only any of use had a front door key on key rings.
He can't perform basic tasks such as switching lights off. We came home after weekend to find the bathroom light had been on all weekend again.
I'm exasperated. It's doing my nut in. Its usually fairly minor stuff. But one day it won't be!
Just getting rid of some stress... But any tips appreciated.
The one piece of advice I can give you is to step back. There is no point giving yourself a heart attack. Like yourself, I think the real issue is the step-child part, I dont have the emotional involvement that a natural parent might have who finds it easier to forgive and move on.
I take on board that in my case the problem is mine and not the child.
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