Parents in trouble
Discussion
I'm not sure how to best explain this so here goes....
For years now my mum has tried to sustain a lifestyle they simply cannot afford, which revolves around horses and all that goes with it, despite being average wage working class all thier lives. Over the course of those years assets have been liquified, pensions cashed in and bit by bit the pot has ran dry and well into the red. Well at lunch time today my brother met me for lunch and explained that my mum has tried to get him and my younger sister to take out bank loans, both of which made excuses as to why they cant. I was furious as both my siblings are pretty much hand to mouth and my brother is going through a rough time with mental issues at the moment.
Being the oldest brother i've always felt the most capable of sorting issues for us where i can, but i dont know how to fix this. My Dad gave in to my Mums behaviour a long time ago and accepted his fate, but now its directly affecting me and my siblings. As i have done in the past i can find money easily enough to get the wolves from the doors, but unless there is substantial change it is jus throwing good money after bad. It would buy them time, and instead of using it wisely it would just be used to continue this crap.
Has anyone been in a situation like this? Its like having a junkie in the family that you want to help but cant, and what makes it harder is it my own mum! It is a genuine addiction that is pulling us in too. How do i get them to change without becoming the bad guy (mum has a very childish mentality). I have tried to talk to them but of course what do i know i'm the child and they are the parents. I have my own family to consider now, so whatever i use to bail them out takes money away from my wife and baby.
For years now my mum has tried to sustain a lifestyle they simply cannot afford, which revolves around horses and all that goes with it, despite being average wage working class all thier lives. Over the course of those years assets have been liquified, pensions cashed in and bit by bit the pot has ran dry and well into the red. Well at lunch time today my brother met me for lunch and explained that my mum has tried to get him and my younger sister to take out bank loans, both of which made excuses as to why they cant. I was furious as both my siblings are pretty much hand to mouth and my brother is going through a rough time with mental issues at the moment.
Being the oldest brother i've always felt the most capable of sorting issues for us where i can, but i dont know how to fix this. My Dad gave in to my Mums behaviour a long time ago and accepted his fate, but now its directly affecting me and my siblings. As i have done in the past i can find money easily enough to get the wolves from the doors, but unless there is substantial change it is jus throwing good money after bad. It would buy them time, and instead of using it wisely it would just be used to continue this crap.
Has anyone been in a situation like this? Its like having a junkie in the family that you want to help but cant, and what makes it harder is it my own mum! It is a genuine addiction that is pulling us in too. How do i get them to change without becoming the bad guy (mum has a very childish mentality). I have tried to talk to them but of course what do i know i'm the child and they are the parents. I have my own family to consider now, so whatever i use to bail them out takes money away from my wife and baby.
The only way you can get involved is to get them to agree that you run all their finances, and take full control. They get pocket money to pay for food and the like, and basically every penny they spend has to be allocated by you. Other than that, you just have to let them sort their own mess out.
There is no point in any of you helping them until you have full knowledge of their financial situation. If you don't you risk throwing good money after bad.
You will need details of all their assets, liabilities and income.
There are various free to use organisations that can assist with debt management planning too. Maybe a CVA will be best, maybe bankruptcy (not the stigma it once was) or maybe just a debt management plan with the creditors.
You will need details of all their assets, liabilities and income.
There are various free to use organisations that can assist with debt management planning too. Maybe a CVA will be best, maybe bankruptcy (not the stigma it once was) or maybe just a debt management plan with the creditors.
I dont know the fullscale of the issue and i doubt i will, as there appears to still be a requirement from us of dignity and derserved trust in my mums eyes. So far we have helped out in a way i think families do, in that they are family are we trust them so we asked no questions to save face, and loaned them X amount until the next thing was liquified and we were paid back. The last amount was £7k which i got back 6 months later without mentioning it all during those 6 months. But of course a time comes when there is nothing left to liquify and i think that time has arrived.
The feeling i get from my brother is that the credit cards are full again and with them being in retirement and having already sunk the pension funds there is nothing left to service these loans/cards and now the the banks are done waiting. They said they wanted a loan until the house is sold to one of these equity release firms, which i think is a terrrible idea and just gets them one step closer to having absolutely nothing left at all. Saying no to your parents, that spent years sacrificing for thier kids is difficult, but i know it has to be done. I can see now see how money issues can split families.
The feeling i get from my brother is that the credit cards are full again and with them being in retirement and having already sunk the pension funds there is nothing left to service these loans/cards and now the the banks are done waiting. They said they wanted a loan until the house is sold to one of these equity release firms, which i think is a terrrible idea and just gets them one step closer to having absolutely nothing left at all. Saying no to your parents, that spent years sacrificing for thier kids is difficult, but i know it has to be done. I can see now see how money issues can split families.
Edited by BuzzBravado on Wednesday 20th November 16:56
This is a sh*t situation for you, dammed if you do dammed if you don't.
Can you talk to your dad and try to get him to see some sense over all of this as they will lose everything otherwise?
Easier said than done but you may want to get your parents to speak to Step Change or Payplan. Both free financial advise charities.
Can you talk to your dad and try to get him to see some sense over all of this as they will lose everything otherwise?
Easier said than done but you may want to get your parents to speak to Step Change or Payplan. Both free financial advise charities.
Been there and done that.
The problem is that anything you do to help will only enable them to perpetuate unsustainable lifestyle choices. They’ll never actually reform, restructure their spending and start living within their means. As you say yourself, you merely serve to kick the can down the road a few more months.
The problem is that anything you do to help will only enable them to perpetuate unsustainable lifestyle choices. They’ll never actually reform, restructure their spending and start living within their means. As you say yourself, you merely serve to kick the can down the road a few more months.
I agree with the others. Definitely don’t give them any money. It doesn’t help the situation as it just enables them to spend it again.
Not sure what other help you can offer but realistically they’ve managed to get away with not suffering the consequences of what they’re doing so they carry on.
Unfortunately I’ve learned from my girlfriends family that no matter how badly they f
k up, they somehow manage to come out the other side with no real consequences so it just carries on for longer.
Not sure what other help you can offer but realistically they’ve managed to get away with not suffering the consequences of what they’re doing so they carry on.
Unfortunately I’ve learned from my girlfriends family that no matter how badly they f
k up, they somehow manage to come out the other side with no real consequences so it just carries on for longer.You have my sympathies. You definitely shouldn't just hand over money. Explain to them that you're willing to help them make the changes they need to make, or even lend/give money for specific things that will help (moving band and solicitors fees if they need to sell the house for example).
We tried to help my mil a couple of years ago by trying to convince her to re-home some of the many cats and dogs clogging up the house and taking all their money. All it did was cause a lot of upset and do no good. If you've got 14 dogs, reducing it to 12 isn't going to make a dent. It didn't change her mind, just made her hate my wife for a year or so.
We tried to help my mil a couple of years ago by trying to convince her to re-home some of the many cats and dogs clogging up the house and taking all their money. All it did was cause a lot of upset and do no good. If you've got 14 dogs, reducing it to 12 isn't going to make a dent. It didn't change her mind, just made her hate my wife for a year or so.
the only way to help is take control of the debts. Something like credit karma can be set up and will give all loans outstanding etc.
Then work out incomes etc and then work out what to do. If the house is worth something then you do the figures, i.e if debts outway house then not much can be done.
They also may have to work again.
It has to be tackled head on
Then work out incomes etc and then work out what to do. If the house is worth something then you do the figures, i.e if debts outway house then not much can be done.
They also may have to work again.
It has to be tackled head on
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