Convincing loved ones to move to sheltered accommodation?
Discussion
Hi folks
We’re getting to that point with my in laws but they are extremely stubborn and refuse to admit they need assistance, although they clearly do.
Obviously it’s a tender, yet necessary, subject to broach so I’d be grateful for any insights from those of you who have successfully convinced parents to accept more assistance for their day to day living in order to try and frame the conversations as well as possible.
Any experiences or insights would be gratefully received
We’re getting to that point with my in laws but they are extremely stubborn and refuse to admit they need assistance, although they clearly do.
Obviously it’s a tender, yet necessary, subject to broach so I’d be grateful for any insights from those of you who have successfully convinced parents to accept more assistance for their day to day living in order to try and frame the conversations as well as possible.
Any experiences or insights would be gratefully received
I never though I'd be contributing to a topic like this.
Here's some points not in any particular order from my personal experience, over the last 15 years, which included a sectioning, an amputation, 4 years in a care home and one year of full nursing care following a bad stroke.
First of all, start investigating residential care locally, care home or nursing home? what are their particular requirements?
Homes can vary a lot, hopefully you'll catch one that's good rather than declining or improving.
Read the CQC report, (with a pinch of salt) Staff turnover is a key indicator
The health of one in-law will be worse than the other, the healthier one might not want to be separated from the ill one who can no longer be looked after at home.
Are they physically at risk to themselvesby staying at home ? This is a key question
Get social services involved, they are very experienced and helpful, they've seen it all, know the system and they can often make direct suggestions that would not be accepted if they came from you.
These elderlies don't think of themselves as a burden, they're still living their lives. It's up to you to manage it for them without them realising that that's what's happening.
Power of Attorney for both health & wealth is required
Here's some points not in any particular order from my personal experience, over the last 15 years, which included a sectioning, an amputation, 4 years in a care home and one year of full nursing care following a bad stroke.
First of all, start investigating residential care locally, care home or nursing home? what are their particular requirements?
Homes can vary a lot, hopefully you'll catch one that's good rather than declining or improving.
Read the CQC report, (with a pinch of salt) Staff turnover is a key indicator
The health of one in-law will be worse than the other, the healthier one might not want to be separated from the ill one who can no longer be looked after at home.
Are they physically at risk to themselvesby staying at home ? This is a key question
Get social services involved, they are very experienced and helpful, they've seen it all, know the system and they can often make direct suggestions that would not be accepted if they came from you.
These elderlies don't think of themselves as a burden, they're still living their lives. It's up to you to manage it for them without them realising that that's what's happening.
Power of Attorney for both health & wealth is required
We've just been through this with my MIL. Its taken 8 months in total. We started with a little help coming into the house a few times a week and built it up from there. Our approach was that by having outside help it meant our visits could be spent on social time and maintained the balance of the relationship. Once she was used to having people in for housework etc it was a small step into personal care. We gently suggested sheltered accommodation leaving brochures and offering visits. When the time was right for her we started looking. An intelligent independent slightly demented woman we tried to make her feel in control every step of the way with just a wee nudge now and again.
She's been in the accommodation for just under a month now and is thriving. While frustrated that she needs to be there she's embraced the social side of communal life, making her busier and therefore eating/sleeping better
Start checking out places yourself as there are some great but also some shocking places out there. We found the places that said"come and have a look around anytime" proved to be the best
It was a tough time but the end result of having her settled and happy in a safe environment was well worth it
She's been in the accommodation for just under a month now and is thriving. While frustrated that she needs to be there she's embraced the social side of communal life, making her busier and therefore eating/sleeping better
Start checking out places yourself as there are some great but also some shocking places out there. We found the places that said"come and have a look around anytime" proved to be the best
It was a tough time but the end result of having her settled and happy in a safe environment was well worth it
I work in social care.
Sheltered accommodation may be helpful but often offers a limited amount of support or none - just a warden during office hours.
If you can find a good homecare agency they might be able to stay at home for the time being for the same or less cost than a residential care home. Social services will offer the minimum level of support but if you can top-up or they have funds then you can organise additional care hours on top.
PM me if you like
Sheltered accommodation may be helpful but often offers a limited amount of support or none - just a warden during office hours.
If you can find a good homecare agency they might be able to stay at home for the time being for the same or less cost than a residential care home. Social services will offer the minimum level of support but if you can top-up or they have funds then you can organise additional care hours on top.
PM me if you like
schmalex said:
Hi folks
We’re getting to that point with my in laws but they are extremely stubborn and refuse to admit they need assistance, although they clearly do.
Obviously it’s a tender, yet necessary, subject to broach so I’d be grateful for any insights from those of you who have successfully convinced parents to accept more assistance for their day to day living in order to try and frame the conversations as well as possible.
Any experiences or insights would be gratefully received
God luck We’re getting to that point with my in laws but they are extremely stubborn and refuse to admit they need assistance, although they clearly do.
Obviously it’s a tender, yet necessary, subject to broach so I’d be grateful for any insights from those of you who have successfully convinced parents to accept more assistance for their day to day living in order to try and frame the conversations as well as possible.
Any experiences or insights would be gratefully received
What level of help are you wanting & will they accept?
I'll add in a downer here.
An in-law had to move their aunt & uncle to a care home, it was 100% necessary but they couldn't see it. The home they were moved to was lovely.... but it wasn't "their's" and they resented him for doing what needed to be done. At first every visit was "when are we going home" etc as well as berating him for "kicking them out of their home." Sadly 18 months later one has dementia the other isn't a whole lot better.
The reality is that this may be something that is encountered and you need to be prepared for this.
An in-law had to move their aunt & uncle to a care home, it was 100% necessary but they couldn't see it. The home they were moved to was lovely.... but it wasn't "their's" and they resented him for doing what needed to be done. At first every visit was "when are we going home" etc as well as berating him for "kicking them out of their home." Sadly 18 months later one has dementia the other isn't a whole lot better.
The reality is that this may be something that is encountered and you need to be prepared for this.
My uncle moved into sheltered ccomodation when he was in his 80s, his wife had died and he had a house that was too large for him, it was difficult because he had been there for 40 years.
He moved to a building where his flat had one bedroom, bathroom, sitting room and a kitchen, it was always warm and comfortable. There was also a large communal room, seating for about 60 with a commercial kitchen, there was something going on there all day and entertainment every evening, plus a giant TV. Everyone in there was 65+ and there was an emergency pull cord to call for help if needed. Excursions to different things 4 times a week to shopping centres or factory tours, trips to the countryside or the coast.
He loved it, not least for the fact that after 60 years of being married that there were a number of women who wanted to sleep with him.
He had 13 years there before he died, said he never regretted it for a minute.
He moved to a building where his flat had one bedroom, bathroom, sitting room and a kitchen, it was always warm and comfortable. There was also a large communal room, seating for about 60 with a commercial kitchen, there was something going on there all day and entertainment every evening, plus a giant TV. Everyone in there was 65+ and there was an emergency pull cord to call for help if needed. Excursions to different things 4 times a week to shopping centres or factory tours, trips to the countryside or the coast.
He loved it, not least for the fact that after 60 years of being married that there were a number of women who wanted to sleep with him.
He had 13 years there before he died, said he never regretted it for a minute.
My Father had cancer a couple of months ago and is now on the mend it seems. Although just got admitted to hospital with necrosis and will have a stent it seems. Amazing at 91.
Anyway at 91 he has always been fiercely independent and didn’t need any help. Then after the cancer he became very frail and needed help. This was initially me, but it became too much of a burden to go there all the time to get him up, wash him etc. In the end he accepted care once a day in the morning from a local company. They charge £24 for the hour and will get him up, wash him, prepare breakfast and lunch (soup in a thermos flask). I still come and do dinner.
It’s the first step, he is “happy” (apart from when he gets the bill) and allows me some peace and a bit of my life back.
Anyway at 91 he has always been fiercely independent and didn’t need any help. Then after the cancer he became very frail and needed help. This was initially me, but it became too much of a burden to go there all the time to get him up, wash him etc. In the end he accepted care once a day in the morning from a local company. They charge £24 for the hour and will get him up, wash him, prepare breakfast and lunch (soup in a thermos flask). I still come and do dinner.
It’s the first step, he is “happy” (apart from when he gets the bill) and allows me some peace and a bit of my life back.
If an ambi was attendance, the chances are they will have made a falls referral and also a social services referral. care homes will drain the bank very very quickly expecting @ £1k per week per person until their asset value is sub £20k. its almost cheaper to spend £20k p.a on a live-in carer from Asia as i saw one family do.
I think they will have to have an assessment. The cost is a worry as they’ll clearly need to sell their house and a few hundred £k goes very quickly when you’re spending £1k+ / week.
The thought of a live in carer crossed my mind, but they are, sadly, so deeply racist and from another time they would never accept that!
The thought of a live in carer crossed my mind, but they are, sadly, so deeply racist and from another time they would never accept that!
GM182 said:
I work in social care.
Sheltered accommodation may be helpful but often offers a limited amount of support or none - just a warden during office hours.
Social services will offer the minimum level of support but if you can top-up or they have funds then you can organise additional care hours on top.
PM me if you like
Don't bother - Social Services won't provide anything if you own your own home! Sheltered accommodation may be helpful but often offers a limited amount of support or none - just a warden during office hours.
Social services will offer the minimum level of support but if you can top-up or they have funds then you can organise additional care hours on top.
PM me if you like
We tried that with my Father who had a Cerebral haemorrhage at 61 in 1975 and was never able to stand up again, but Mum was still living in the mortgage-free marital home. No help, no interest - total waste of time.
Now Mum is 97 and moved from a retirement flat in July to a residential care home and the cost (£3,000+ per month) is twice her income, but until her assets are down to about £23K there is no prospect of any "help". Shame we can't seem to sell her flat - and who is supposed to fund that gap?
I just wish my parents had spent every penny they earned, while living in a Council property on benefits - plenty of help then!
schmalex said:
The thought of a live in carer crossed my mind, but they are, sadly, so deeply racist and from another time they would never accept that!
This statement is exactly the case with my grandparents who are in a seemingly very similar position. My grandmother has, shamefully, sent a non-white carer away from the door in the past.schmalex said:
Thank you for your reply.
They are a danger to themselves. I am currently writing this from A&E after my FiL took a fall and lay in the cold for 3h this evening before MiL called the fire brigade as she couldn’t lift him
Did they show up on blues and twos in a fire engine with 5 or 6 blokes ?They are a danger to themselves. I am currently writing this from A&E after my FiL took a fall and lay in the cold for 3h this evening before MiL called the fire brigade as she couldn’t lift him
Obviously I don't know the circumstances but it's a pity there isn't another different option.
Whatever happened to neighbours? (Not aimed at you Schmalex).
I sometimes watch these ambo programmes and they frequently seem to be going to pick people up. As in Schmalexs case my late FIL had a fall (cancer related calcium stuff) and was down a few hours until my mum found him and a couple of neighbours helped lift him up then paramedic when they eventually arrived did the post fall check ups etc and sorted everything excellently.
It's a tough time but our local civic hall have "be steady be safe" classes on, about 60
elderly people attend each week (we live in a very elderly town) to learn techniques about staying steady/safe and how to get up again if possible. speedyguy said:
schmalex said:
Thank you for your reply.
They are a danger to themselves. I am currently writing this from A&E after my FiL took a fall and lay in the cold for 3h this evening before MiL called the fire brigade as she couldn’t lift him
Did they show up on blues and twos in a fire engine with 5 or 6 blokes ?They are a danger to themselves. I am currently writing this from A&E after my FiL took a fall and lay in the cold for 3h this evening before MiL called the fire brigade as she couldn’t lift him
Obviously I don't know the circumstances but it's a pity there isn't another different option.
Whatever happened to neighbours? (Not aimed at you Schmalex).
I sometimes watch these ambo programmes and they frequently seem to be going to pick people up. As in Schmalexs case my late FIL had a fall (cancer related calcium stuff) and was down a few hours until my mum found him and a couple of neighbours helped lift him up then paramedic when they eventually arrived did the post fall check ups etc and sorted everything excellently.
It's a tough time but our local civic hall have "be steady be safe" classes on, about 60
elderly people attend each week (we live in a very elderly town) to learn techniques about staying steady/safe and how to get up again if possible. She was also not keen on placing blankets over him when he was down as she didn’t then to get dirty...
We were absolutely furious with her and have now spoken to their neighbours who, of course, would be delighted to help if there is ever an issue.
On the flip side, my neighbour fell over on Friday after medicating on Whiskey a little too much. His wife knocked on our door and I whipped out to sort him out. I wouldn’t think twice.
Meanwhile, he refuses to acknowledge anyone who isn’t white in the hospital and keeps asking them to repeat themselves or for second opinions if they aren’t white.
It’s horrid.
Honestly, if we could bundle them both in a car and take a drive to Switzerland...
Next week we tackle the home conversation ion
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