Book / Game / Questions To Help Family Life ?

[Donotgogentle]

Sorry for the vague title, I'm not sure if what I'm looking for exists

Is there some book, game, questionnaire etc that I could use to see where I and my wife / kids are at ?

A few things have come up which makes me question whether they are happy with the status quo

A bit like on wife swap (the TV show) where the family can't see the problems but it's obvious to the viewers

There have been a lot of changes recently with jobs, fostering etc so it might just be that but some light insights to what they all think would be handy.

[lufbramatt]

Cards against humanity?

[Hoofy]

I think sitting down and asking them how they feel but ensuring it's a safe, non-judgemental space in which to offer frank answers.

If you're a typical alpha male then you'll have to supress that need to tell someone what's what and that they're being silly.

If they prefer, perhaps ask them to write down how they feel because then they can get everything out without you interrupting them.

[Hoofy]

lufbramatt said:

Cards against humanity?

[Donotgogentle]

Hoofy said:

I think sitting down and asking them how they feel but ensuring it's a safe, non-judgemental space in which to offer frank answers.

If you're a typical alpha male then you'll have to supress that need to tell someone what's what and that they're being silly.

If they prefer, perhaps ask them to write down how they feel because then they can get everything out without you interrupting them.

It's because I'm not a "safe space" kind of guy I was hoping for some format of questions - otherwise I know I'll be accused of biasing them (they are all female) maybe on a tablet / phone app

I'm trying to avoid the two ponies and a Range Rover type of answers so they need to be led into it.

Enlightenment 1.0 or similar

[Atheda]

Look at The School of Life. It has lots of material to trigger & support conversations.I have no direct experience of using their stuff but they have good u-tube stuff and books/cards for various situations (talking to people, being in love etc etc).
HTH

David

[Hoofy]

Donotgogentle said:

Hoofy said:

I think sitting down and asking them how they feel but ensuring it's a safe, non-judgemental space in which to offer frank answers.

If you're a typical alpha male then you'll have to supress that need to tell someone what's what and that they're being silly.

If they prefer, perhaps ask them to write down how they feel because then they can get everything out without you interrupting them.

It's because I'm not a "safe space" kind of guy I was hoping for some format of questions - otherwise I know I'll be accused of biasing them (they are all female) maybe on a tablet / phone app

I'm trying to avoid the two ponies and a Range Rover type of answers so they need to be led into it.

Enlightenment 1.0 or similar

Well, you might find that practising being the safe space guy might reap benefits from time to time. Try it with your wife first. Bite your tongue if you feel an aggressive reply coming, start asking open questions (which can't result in yes/no answers), learn to accept criticism. It's a great skill to have.

It doesn't mean you have to go full "beta" and start drinking non-alcoholic beer, sport a beard and top knot, move to Shoreditch, eat vegan, join XR, learn to play a ukulele and go on yoga retreats.

Edited by Hoofy on Wednesday 4th December 17:16

[Donotgogentle]

Atheda said:

Look at The School of Life. It has lots of material to trigger & support conversations.I have no direct experience of using their stuff but they have good u-tube stuff and books/cards for various situations (talking to people, being in love etc etc).
HTH

David

Thanks - had a quick look on YTube certainly some helpful content there, not actually what I was looking for - which is why I ask on here, never having been a young girl it's hard to know where to start.

[Donotgogentle]

Hoofy said:

Well, you might find that practising being the safe space guy might reap benefits from time to time. Try it with your wife first. Bite your tongue if you feel an aggressive reply coming, start asking open questions (which can't result in yes/no answers), learn to accept criticism. It's a great skill to have.

It doesn't mean you have to go full "beta" and start drinking non-alcoholic beer, sport a beard and top knot, move to Shoreditch, eat vegan, join XR, learn to play a ukulele and go on yogaretreats.

Hey I posted the topic, one step at a time !

I'm not a neanderthal but I was raised to be an old school man, the buck stops here, unfortunately my wife is far less communicative than I am hence the thought of a game / app or something.

It's the questions and how to frame them, that I was looking for !

[Hoofy]

Donotgogentle said:

Hoofy said:

Well, you might find that practising being the safe space guy might reap benefits from time to time. Try it with your wife first. Bite your tongue if you feel an aggressive reply coming, start asking open questions (which can't result in yes/no answers), learn to accept criticism. It's a great skill to have.

It doesn't mean you have to go full "beta" and start drinking non-alcoholic beer, sport a beard and top knot, move to Shoreditch, eat vegan, join XR, learn to play a ukulele and go on yogaretreats.

Hey I posted the topic, one step at a time !

I'm not a neanderthal but I was raised to be an old school man, the buck stops here, unfortunately my wife is far less communicative than I am hence the thought of a game / app or something.

It's the questions and how to frame them, that I was looking for !

Dunno if this helps: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening

[bristolbaron]

Donotgogentle said:

Hey I posted the topic, one step at a time !

I'm not a neanderthal but I was raised to be an old school man, the buck stops here, unfortunately my wife is far less communicative than I am hence the thought of a game / app or something.

It's the questions and how to frame them, that I was looking for !

Fair play to you for acknowledging there may be issues and wanting to address them. Generally it’s only once the family have left and you’re left cranking* alone that men realise they may have been part of the issue and could’ve done something about it!

Wednesday night is telly off ‘talk’ night in my house, mostly preparing for the following week but gives us chance to air frustrations and maintain a happy relationship. The wife’s out tonight though, hopefully not my fault

I’d keep it simple and work along the lines of: what are we doing well? What are we doing not so well? What can I improve? What would you like to do more of?

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.urbandictionary...

[Donotgogentle]

Hoofy said:

Dunno if this helps: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening

Ah remembering is my issue

It drives my wife / kids mad, it's not selective I forget loads of my things too

When I was dating I'd make a list of important things after each date - I can't do that every day of my life but perhaps I could note a few important details - best friends (this week) names etc

[Hoofy]

Donotgogentle said:

Hoofy said:

Dunno if this helps: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening

Ah remembering is my issue

It drives my wife / kids mad, it's not selective I forget loads of my things too

When I was dating I'd make a list of important things after each date - I can't do that every day of my life but perhaps I could note a few important details - best friends (this week) names etc

Practice makes... better.

[Drihump Trolomite]

Donotgogentle said:

Sorry for the vague title, I'm not sure if what I'm looking for exists

Is there some book, game, questionnaire etc that I could use to see where I and my wife / kids are at ?

A few things have come up which makes me question whether they are happy with the status quo

A bit like on wife swap (the TV show) where the family can't see the problems but it's obvious to the viewers

There have been a lot of changes recently with jobs, fostering etc so it might just be that but some light insights to what they all think would be handy.

I used to think it bullst, but the correct counselling or mediation can work wonders. In fact, mediation rescued my relationship with the ex (we had split) but had entered into a lack of understanding each otehrs position and she had been a with regards to access to my daughter and how she looked after her.

Mediation worked, surprisingly in my favour as it turned out the ex was an unreasonable slag. Anyway, point is, no questionnaire is going to help, the issue will stem from a lack of communication and a lack of understanding how to tell each other what isnt working so it can be fixed. I'd look for a mediation service that is recognised by the courts in family matters.

[Atheda]

Donotgogentle said:

Thanks - had a quick look on YTube certainly some helpful content there, not actually what I was looking for - which is why I ask on here, never having been a young girl it's hard to know where to start.

My thoughts here were not so much on the y tube stuff but on the stuff in the shop that are prompt cards for discussion. You would need to find and go to the web site for that.

[Donotgogentle]

bristolbaron said:

Wednesday night is telly off ‘talk’ night in my house, mostly preparing for the following week but gives us chance to air frustrations and maintain a happy relationship. The wife’s out tonight though, hopefully not my fault

Ah that would be seen as me trying to "ruin their lives" wife and daughters happy to watch utter crap on TV four hours a night - so I play on the internet.

Have tried to compromise on TV programmes (american sitcoms) but they then don't have time to watch all their soaps

I sometimes wonder if I've been too nice - growing up, we watched what my Dad wanted to watch etc

Not helped by my wife having huge unresolved issues in her past which she refuses to discuss / seek help.

[Donotgogentle]

Drihump Trolomite said:

I used to think it bullst, but the correct counselling or mediation can work wonders.

the issue will stem from a lack of communication and a lack of understanding how to tell each other what isnt working so it can be fixed.

I have suggested counselling and mediation many times over the years - she completely refuses to consider it - that's why I'm looking for the home / DIY version as I think your second sentence is spot on.

I see a divorce when the kids are older / leave home, I'm doing the minimum work wise (as I've lost motivation) thinking why am I bothering to make money that I'm going to lose.

I'd rather work together, she'd rather ignore it, hope it goes away.

Reading and writing these replies confirms my thoughts - I'm not rebuilding when I'm 60.

But the thought of being a weekend Dad - that's just horrific, I find the best times are the little moments scattered throughout the week.

[Drihump Trolomite]

Donotgogentle said:

Drihump Trolomite said:

I used to think it bullst, but the correct counselling or mediation can work wonders.

the issue will stem from a lack of communication and a lack of understanding how to tell each other what isnt working so it can be fixed.

I have suggested counselling and mediation many times over the years - she completely refuses to consider it - that's why I'm looking for the home / DIY version as I think your second sentence is spot on.

I see a divorce when the kids are older / leave home, I'm doing the minimum work wise (as I've lost motivation) thinking why am I bothering to make money that I'm going to lose.

I'd rather work together, she'd rather ignore it, hope it goes away.

Reading and writing these replies confirms my thoughts - I'm not rebuilding when I'm 60.

But the thought of being a weekend Dad - that's just horrific, I find the best times are the little moments scattered throughout the week.

my ex said the same, but in that case I pointed out courts dont look favourable if you don't attend mediation - hey presto we spoke, we said the same things but mediaiton helped us listen.

she's refused to go again as she is scared of being effectively told she is wrong again.

You need to figure out how to talk to each other, she is clearly affraid of what she needs to say - something that happened with us right up until she fked off and fked the postman (litterally) and got a special delivery 9 months later.

With time off from dating, i met a great woman, we have our issues but we talk things no matter if we think the other will get offended or hurt (which is crap anyway). And it works. The reason she got divorced is her ex couldnt talk, didnt now how to so instead of saying how he felt, how she made him feel, he turned to drink.

Relationships that work, work because people find a way to talk.