Having a wife that is terrible with money.
Discussion
Hey Everyone.
I wasn't sure if I needed to stick this in finance or here, but I figured I would get a wider range of views here. Part of it is just me venting but part of it is looking for constructive advice.
As per title, the mrs is absolutely shocking with money. I on the other hand learnt the hard way back in the naughties. I am not tight with my money, but have adopted a Yorkshireman stance towards it
To give this last week as an example. She couldn't pay the vets bill for her animal (She agreed to walk it, feed it, pay all its bills when we got it but none of those three things have happened consistantly. I paid that big vets bill (Meh, its a family member. What else would you do!).
Next up, an everyday item she uses broke. Again, having no funds/emergency fund I was on the hook for this. Ok, pay me back £x per month for the year.
The real "boil my pee" moment came this morning. I accidentally transferred several hundred quid into her account a few days before christmas and I asked her to put it back. After several days of badgering she looked at her account and she didnt have enough to pay me back and cover her bills. That leaves me in a poor but manageable situation up to payday.
Should mention this is on top of the 500 quid I gave her (as in gave her, not a loan) a few weeks prior to christmas to help her out a bit. She has her own income and our income split is roughly equal, less you think I am some nasty bloke holding all the purse strings etc.
We have seperate accounts (but she has a card to mine) but refuses to merge her account.
All this is on top of the 10K car finance I took out for her (that she is paying back, but interest free and its going to take 5 years minimum to pay it off. . Other examples including paying off the outstanding 4k finance on her old car before she got this new one. Paying off her £2.5K overdraught is another one.
It is starting to impact my financial quality of life but she is oblivious to it. Admittedly, she is taking some steps to pay off her credit cards and such but only in a half hearted way.
I also end up footing all the bills except the food and Sky bill. The crazy thing is, combined income hits ~£95k in a very cheap to live area with no kids.
She isn't a bad person but is shocking with money and is very much a "now now now" mentality (Our Just eat bill for last year was circa £4K :/)
I just feel like I am footing all the bills and having to make provision for her retirement as she lives in some bizarre world whereby she thinks 1% +1% company contribution will keep her
I put 29%, matched at 15% and still worry its not enough!
Even holidays, I end up paying 95% of it.
I just don't know what to do to make her see reality (or WTF she buys with her wages). Hard heart to hearts dont work as she gets all teary and upset but I have now hit that breaking point whereby I refuse to indulge her any more but she needs to wake up and smell the coffee. Bills have to be settled!
BTW, just for clarity, the money I have been giving/loaning her is cash I had, not done through borrowing, except her current car. I just dont do debt. Small saviors and all that.
Thoughts and ideas welcome.
I wasn't sure if I needed to stick this in finance or here, but I figured I would get a wider range of views here. Part of it is just me venting but part of it is looking for constructive advice.
As per title, the mrs is absolutely shocking with money. I on the other hand learnt the hard way back in the naughties. I am not tight with my money, but have adopted a Yorkshireman stance towards it
To give this last week as an example. She couldn't pay the vets bill for her animal (She agreed to walk it, feed it, pay all its bills when we got it but none of those three things have happened consistantly. I paid that big vets bill (Meh, its a family member. What else would you do!).
Next up, an everyday item she uses broke. Again, having no funds/emergency fund I was on the hook for this. Ok, pay me back £x per month for the year.
The real "boil my pee" moment came this morning. I accidentally transferred several hundred quid into her account a few days before christmas and I asked her to put it back. After several days of badgering she looked at her account and she didnt have enough to pay me back and cover her bills. That leaves me in a poor but manageable situation up to payday.
Should mention this is on top of the 500 quid I gave her (as in gave her, not a loan) a few weeks prior to christmas to help her out a bit. She has her own income and our income split is roughly equal, less you think I am some nasty bloke holding all the purse strings etc.
We have seperate accounts (but she has a card to mine) but refuses to merge her account.
All this is on top of the 10K car finance I took out for her (that she is paying back, but interest free and its going to take 5 years minimum to pay it off. . Other examples including paying off the outstanding 4k finance on her old car before she got this new one. Paying off her £2.5K overdraught is another one.
It is starting to impact my financial quality of life but she is oblivious to it. Admittedly, she is taking some steps to pay off her credit cards and such but only in a half hearted way.
I also end up footing all the bills except the food and Sky bill. The crazy thing is, combined income hits ~£95k in a very cheap to live area with no kids.
She isn't a bad person but is shocking with money and is very much a "now now now" mentality (Our Just eat bill for last year was circa £4K :/)
I just feel like I am footing all the bills and having to make provision for her retirement as she lives in some bizarre world whereby she thinks 1% +1% company contribution will keep her
I put 29%, matched at 15% and still worry its not enough!Even holidays, I end up paying 95% of it.
I just don't know what to do to make her see reality (or WTF she buys with her wages). Hard heart to hearts dont work as she gets all teary and upset but I have now hit that breaking point whereby I refuse to indulge her any more but she needs to wake up and smell the coffee. Bills have to be settled!
BTW, just for clarity, the money I have been giving/loaning her is cash I had, not done through borrowing, except her current car. I just dont do debt. Small saviors and all that.
Thoughts and ideas welcome.
dontfollowme said:
I think she needs to feel her lack of money management bite. At the moment it sounds like she is getting bailed out every time so doesn't appreciate how to budget effectively and live within her means.
Not a very fun conversation to have with her but one that needs to happen.
This. I can't really get my head around this very transactional approach with someone I've promised to spend the rest of my life with, but if that's the structure you've both agreed to work with, then she needs cutting off from your generosity for a bit.Not a very fun conversation to have with her but one that needs to happen.
What a faff.
t. Stop bailing her out. You’re a piggy bank to her...I have a friend who lives in a paid up house left to him after a tragic accident involving both his parents. He must earn £70k a year based on job title yet he comes to me every other month for a £500 loaner til payday and, sadly as people talk, I know the other month he goes to our mutual best friend. The wheels came off in the middle of the year when we found out he'd got a secret coke habit (we didn't even realise when we were out he was on it all the time), I'd be concerned if I was the OP it was along these lines unless it's something visible like his missus buying more clothes than she can wear etc.
There are two problems here.
The first is her and her approach to money. Only she can can this.
The second is you, and positively re-inforcing her behaviour by being a constant source of ready cash and/or interest free loans. You can change this.
Best thing to do would be an attempt to have a quiet, unemotional but firm word about the pattern of behaviour, backed up with your evidence of spending & loans/gifts. And then you need to stop being her cash cow. Write off past behaviour, tell her how you will react in the future to any monetary needs, and then refuse to provide future bailouts. How she reacts will dictate the next phase of your relationship, but I would regard someone wilfully disregarding joint incomes in that manner as unacceptably selfish.
My sister is exactly the same. We've all stopped giving/loaning her money now as she never changed. Now the consequences of her bad money management will be hers to deal with.
The first is her and her approach to money. Only she can can this.
The second is you, and positively re-inforcing her behaviour by being a constant source of ready cash and/or interest free loans. You can change this.
Best thing to do would be an attempt to have a quiet, unemotional but firm word about the pattern of behaviour, backed up with your evidence of spending & loans/gifts. And then you need to stop being her cash cow. Write off past behaviour, tell her how you will react in the future to any monetary needs, and then refuse to provide future bailouts. How she reacts will dictate the next phase of your relationship, but I would regard someone wilfully disregarding joint incomes in that manner as unacceptably selfish.
My sister is exactly the same. We've all stopped giving/loaning her money now as she never changed. Now the consequences of her bad money management will be hers to deal with.
I had a similar problem, but admittedly I had also succumbed to some bad spending habits. We had decided we really wanted to buy a bigger house, but not only did we not have the deposit money, we had tens of thousands of debt. We were on very good money (both still are) so should have had a really easy life (financially).
The solution was to draft a budget plan. This would incorporate every single pound that came into the house and every pound spent so we could both see where it went. Adding up all the debt together will be a sobering thought for her as it was for us.
The plan needs to have a goal, for us a house, for others a car, doesn't really matter. What she will need is some form of motivation to keep her going. Find out what she wants and really help her see how being debt free will give her more disposable income then having loads of debt.
Cost out the bills and food allowances. Include everything such as haircuts and beauty stuff, gym, fuel, insurances the lot. We have a joint account that pays the bills and the shopping so we both can see what goes on and out of it. All the bills are always covered this way and we never have to decide who gets the shopping.
If takeaway food is the problem, try something like gousto / hellofresh (or whatever) and have the ingredients for nice food delivered. Static cost and it avoids having to do too much food shopping. Avoid coffeeshops like the plague, they suck money from you at an alarming rate.
Make sure you allow for some disposable income though, having some money to play with is essential in saving as it can hold off the temptation to throw it all away.
Doing this got us debt free (mortgage aside) and put us in the house we wanted. Carrying it on means we can afford a great lifestyle without overstretching.
The solution was to draft a budget plan. This would incorporate every single pound that came into the house and every pound spent so we could both see where it went. Adding up all the debt together will be a sobering thought for her as it was for us.
The plan needs to have a goal, for us a house, for others a car, doesn't really matter. What she will need is some form of motivation to keep her going. Find out what she wants and really help her see how being debt free will give her more disposable income then having loads of debt.
Cost out the bills and food allowances. Include everything such as haircuts and beauty stuff, gym, fuel, insurances the lot. We have a joint account that pays the bills and the shopping so we both can see what goes on and out of it. All the bills are always covered this way and we never have to decide who gets the shopping.
If takeaway food is the problem, try something like gousto / hellofresh (or whatever) and have the ingredients for nice food delivered. Static cost and it avoids having to do too much food shopping. Avoid coffeeshops like the plague, they suck money from you at an alarming rate.
Make sure you allow for some disposable income though, having some money to play with is essential in saving as it can hold off the temptation to throw it all away.
Doing this got us debt free (mortgage aside) and put us in the house we wanted. Carrying it on means we can afford a great lifestyle without overstretching.
We have been married 47 years. During all that time we have had never had an account that wasn't held jointly, or owned property independently. Sometimes my wife has been the main earner, sometimes me. There have been times of illness when one of us wasn't working at all. We have an ISA each, but always have tried to keep them level.
I suppose everybody does it differently, but to me it seems that a commitment to marriage is not complete if financial affairs are kept separate in this way. Perhaps it is old fashioned, but I just don't understand why people go through the ceremony of marriage (as opposed to civil partnership or cohabitation) if they can't trust eachother to hold their money jointly as much as the rest of their lives.
I suppose everybody does it differently, but to me it seems that a commitment to marriage is not complete if financial affairs are kept separate in this way. Perhaps it is old fashioned, but I just don't understand why people go through the ceremony of marriage (as opposed to civil partnership or cohabitation) if they can't trust eachother to hold their money jointly as much as the rest of their lives.
ChocyLint1 said:
The crazy thing is, combined income hits ~£95k in a very cheap to live area with no kids.
easy come easy go , I find this making "loans" and borrowing within a marriage odd myself but whatever - so long as you're always there bailing her out she isn't going to change.Stop loaning start giving, is money that important to you that you are prepared for it to cause even one argument or shred of hostility with your wife? You can manage it, so manage what you are prepared to give rather than expecting it back!
If she was going out buying Gucci and expecting you to skint yourself it would be different obviously!
If she was going out buying Gucci and expecting you to skint yourself it would be different obviously!
As others have said, you could try reframing it for your own clarity. Never loan, only give. It helps you clarify if you can actually afford to lose the money you're already losing by loaning it.
Personally, I'd stop dead. Had a similar thing recently with people around me. Wrote off all loans out and said never to ask me again as a result.
Personally, I'd stop dead. Had a similar thing recently with people around me. Wrote off all loans out and said never to ask me again as a result.
ChocyLint1 said:
Hey Everyone.
She has her own income and our income split is roughly equal, less you think I am some nasty bloke holding all the purse strings etc.
We have seperate accounts (but she has a card to mine) but refuses to merge her account.
Thoughts and ideas welcome.
Whilst I don't understand why a married couple would have his and her separate bills (couple/partners being the key thing here) the two statements quoted above certainly ring alarm bells.She has her own income and our income split is roughly equal, less you think I am some nasty bloke holding all the purse strings etc.
We have seperate accounts (but she has a card to mine) but refuses to merge her account.
Thoughts and ideas welcome.
You are both roughly earning the same money, with you paying most of the outgoings and providing additional financial support to her, whilst she has access to your bank account.
Yet she has no money in her bank account and won't consider a joint account.
This sounds like a massive warning sign that something is seriously wrong as her money simply does not appear to be visible (or still exist).
So without trying to sound alarmist, I would be more concerned that she is not terrible with money, but may be being extremely clever with it.
Roofless Toothless said:
We have been married 47 years. During all that time we have had never had an account that wasn't held jointly, or owned property independently. Sometimes my wife has been the main earner, sometimes me. There have been times of illness when one of us wasn't working at all. We have an ISA each, but always have tried to keep them level.
I suppose everybody does it differently, but to me it seems that a commitment to marriage is not complete if financial affairs are kept separate in this way. Perhaps it is old fashioned, but I just don't understand why people go through the ceremony of marriage (as opposed to civil partnership or cohabitation) if they can't trust eachother to hold their money jointly as much as the rest of their lives.
For most of us it’s nothing to do with “trust”. My wife and I have a joint account for the running of the house but we don’t share all our money. We earn broadly similar amounts and always will because we do the same job on the same payscale. Why would we pool our money? There’s simply no point in doing so. I suppose everybody does it differently, but to me it seems that a commitment to marriage is not complete if financial affairs are kept separate in this way. Perhaps it is old fashioned, but I just don't understand why people go through the ceremony of marriage (as opposed to civil partnership or cohabitation) if they can't trust eachother to hold their money jointly as much as the rest of their lives.
Being married doesn’t mean you have to give up every last bit of independence you have as an adult. You say it’s old fashioned, I don’t agree, all of my grandparents kept their finances separate to some degree.
For most combined finances are a matter of parity because one partner earns more than the other or when kids appear on the scene and that skews the incomes in favour of the man usually. Again nothing to do with trust.
Gassing Station | Finance | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff