Funerals etc.

[Cogcog]

Might be timely given funerals are almost on the banned list, but wanted views on how to heal this emerging rift. i am struggling to get a perspective on it.

My Mum passed away in January. I am one of three children, I have two brothers on eof whom who died in 2017 leaving no widow but three adult kids.

My sister in law took over the show, cleared the flat Day 2, divided up keepsakes, arranged the funeral, handled the bills. I was grateful although it felt rushed. I travelled down to help her and my brother and SiL make funeral arrangements. My Mum had left some instructions ( location, burial etc) but again the SiL had already made 90% of the decisions ( religious content I didnt want, music, time etc) . I managed to change the venue of the wake to somewhere a bit more upmarket. My brother was heartbroken and the SiL seemed to be helping him, so I kept my head down and went with the flow. I didnt want conflict for his sake.

However, all this has all really rubbed by dead brother's daughter up the wrong way, who feels that she should have been more involved in the decisions and planning, because she had a close relationshp with my Mum (they had shared the caring of my brother for some years before he died) and was in effect her Dad's representative. . I tend to agree she should have been consulted more, but she is one of seven grandchildren and planning wasn't a committee job. Anyway, my neice and I agreed that what was done was done and that the future family relationship was more important than what we did with the flowers after the funeral (also decided by SiL). All good (ish)..

Anyway, we now have the SiL making decisions on how the remaining monies should be divided. It isnt a great amount (under £10k) and it was all in a joint account of my Mum and Sil). Logically, had my mum left a will (which she didnt) the residue would be divided three ways with my daed brother's share going in three shares to her kids. As I don't need the money we agreed that it would actually be divided 7 ways between the grandkids with my daughters share going into her son's ISA. . Complicated as one grandaughter took some of my Mum's new furniure (bought that week) in lieu.

But now my brother who is self employed and laid off with Covid-19 confinement and my SiL want a share out first, with the remainder being divided between grandkids (not sure exactly which way and who is in that pot). My niece is up in arms about the SiL changing things to suit herself. I think my neice thinks my sister in law is up to no good with the money, aggravated by the speed at which the flat was cleared and documnets taken, which is exactly what i didnt want.

Anyway, my plan is to let my brother grieve, then sit down with my SiL and go through the bills and bank accounts in detail to make sure it was all done fairly and to be transparent. I can deal then with any arguments over who got what in £ terms and smooth it with my neice.

Am i doing this right or is there a better way? i would prefer not to have to deal with the st of a family bust up over a few quid having had the time I have had of late, but some damage is already done as my niece is distancing herself from my brother and his wife (decining invitations to lunch etc) although she has so far just made excuses (and covid-19 is helping in that regard). Advice?

[The Moose]

Deaths bring out the worst in people. Even when the amounts of money is not that great, people treat their loved ones like crap.

I don’t have much to say that’ll help, other than it’s only a few quid in the grand scheme of things...and you/she didn’t have that money previously. I’m sure your mum would be devastated knowing her descendents we’re fighting over a trivial sum of money.

[Cogcog]

The Moose said:

Deaths bring out the worst in people. Even when the amounts of money is not that great, people treat their loved ones like crap.

I don’t have much to say that’ll help, other than it’s only a few quid in the grand scheme of things...and you/she didn’t have that money previously. I’m sure your mum would be devastated knowing her descendents we’re fighting over a trivial sum of money.

My thought too, I think it is more about the way she feels excluded from decisions, which makes her feel less, as she is still young with no parents or grandparents now,

[geeman237]

Cogcog said:

……………..

Anyway, my plan is to let my brother grieve, then sit down with my SiL and go through the bills and bank accounts in detail to make sure it was all done fairly and to be transparent. I can deal then with any arguments over who got what in £ terms and smooth it with my neice.

Am i doing this right or is there a better way? i would prefer not to have to deal with the st of a family bust up over a few quid having had the time I have had of late, but some damage is already done as my niece is distancing herself from my brother and his wife (decining invitations to lunch etc) although she has so far just made excuses (and covid-19 is helping in that regard). Advice?

My initial thought on going through the bills and bank accounts later is that what if you find a discrepancy. If the SiL has had more that her fair share etc (however you want to phrase it), your chance of re-course might be zero. I am assuming there is no executor etc? Is it worth a visit to a solicitor to run through the legal aspects to guide you? As you say the amount isn't huge in the grand scheme of things, but that's relative. I wish you all the best on the outcome.

[Mr Pointy]

Since your mother died intestate there are laws as to how the estate should be divided & your SiL may be leaving herself open to possible action if she has taken on the role of executor & not followed these rules. She can't just make it up.

[Cogcog]

geeman237 said:

My initial thought on going through the bills and bank accounts later is that what if you find a discrepancy. If the SiL has had more that her fair share etc (however you want to phrase it), your chance of re-course might be zero. I am assuming there is no executor etc? Is it worth a visit to a solicitor to run through the legal aspects to guide you? As you say the amount isn't huge in the grand scheme of things, but that's relative. I wish you all the best on the outcome.

Mmmm, never thought of that. I wouldnt make a massive fuss; my Mum was keen on harmonious family life. I dont think she has been dishonest. In the past she has borrowed from my Mum, but TBH I would ratrher she just fronted up and say they need the few bob.

[Mr-B]

I think the major problem will be with the "joint" bank account, legally that will revert to the survivor in most instances, which will be the SIL. Engaging a lawyer may be more costly than the potential return from the estate.

[Sheepshanks]

Sound like the flat was rented and was mother getting benefits? If so, you need clearance from DWP - you hear of them seeking recovery months later when small estates have been dished out (and, of course, spent).