Getting the balance right caring for someone with depression
Discussion
Just after a bit of a vent as much as needing advice I guess. My wife suffers from depression and also SAD with a side order of anxiety. She's been pretty miserable the last few months (also stressed over a house move - still not sold our old house. Unlikely to soon given what's going on) She's been furloughed from her job while I'm working from home.
I know its stressful, but I struggle to get the balance right. I don't want to push her too hard to do things, but at what point are you just enabling self-destructive behaviours? How do you get the balance right? I've heard the "spoon theory" explanation which goes some way.
She spent nearly all day in bed on Wednesday, first day on furlough so understandable she's upset. She was a bit better yesterday, made it to the sofa reading a book and made dinner. What I find really frustrating is that even on a good day she'll usually find the negative in anything. There's always a reason to not do something or that something's dumb. OK, I get being cynical, but there must be some joy out there?
She really upset me yesterday with that whole "Clap for the NHS" thing. She was on the phone to her mum (don't get me started - she gave up 10 years ago and is now basically going for "suicide by living long enough to die") as it was happening saying how stupid it was. Yes, it's not going to just magic up 1000 new beds and a cure, but what's the harm in a nice community gesture? I would have like to have done it myself but didn't because I was so self-concious. Same with the people doing concerts from their house. It's not "that's nice of them" it's "I bet their neighbours hate it, especially if they're s
t".
She lost about 4 stone in weight a couple of years ago through calorie counting and the gym. Now for the last year she can't be arsed (Covid aside), though I'm just as guilty on that one. Oh, and this isn't a "My hot Mrs is getting fat" thing. I loved her at her biggest and smallest and still fancy her whatever. But the can't be arsed/constantly cynical IS unattractive, regardless of what she actually looks like.
If anyone has any advice apart from murder? I just want to help her get back to how she has been and get out of this funk. I'm sure I fall on the "enabling through too much softly-softly" side of the equation than the tough love side. But I know too much tough love and she'll just dig her heels in and sink back.
It's affecting my mental health too. I spent a lot of the last 6 months thinking about suicide. Not ever at any risk of actually going through with it or even harming myself, just a general "If I woke up dead that would probably be better" or, "if I was going to, I'd do it this way, that's a tall building, you could jump off that".
I know its stressful, but I struggle to get the balance right. I don't want to push her too hard to do things, but at what point are you just enabling self-destructive behaviours? How do you get the balance right? I've heard the "spoon theory" explanation which goes some way.
She spent nearly all day in bed on Wednesday, first day on furlough so understandable she's upset. She was a bit better yesterday, made it to the sofa reading a book and made dinner. What I find really frustrating is that even on a good day she'll usually find the negative in anything. There's always a reason to not do something or that something's dumb. OK, I get being cynical, but there must be some joy out there?
She really upset me yesterday with that whole "Clap for the NHS" thing. She was on the phone to her mum (don't get me started - she gave up 10 years ago and is now basically going for "suicide by living long enough to die") as it was happening saying how stupid it was. Yes, it's not going to just magic up 1000 new beds and a cure, but what's the harm in a nice community gesture? I would have like to have done it myself but didn't because I was so self-concious. Same with the people doing concerts from their house. It's not "that's nice of them" it's "I bet their neighbours hate it, especially if they're s
t".She lost about 4 stone in weight a couple of years ago through calorie counting and the gym. Now for the last year she can't be arsed (Covid aside), though I'm just as guilty on that one. Oh, and this isn't a "My hot Mrs is getting fat" thing. I loved her at her biggest and smallest and still fancy her whatever. But the can't be arsed/constantly cynical IS unattractive, regardless of what she actually looks like.
If anyone has any advice apart from murder? I just want to help her get back to how she has been and get out of this funk. I'm sure I fall on the "enabling through too much softly-softly" side of the equation than the tough love side. But I know too much tough love and she'll just dig her heels in and sink back.
It's affecting my mental health too. I spent a lot of the last 6 months thinking about suicide. Not ever at any risk of actually going through with it or even harming myself, just a general "If I woke up dead that would probably be better" or, "if I was going to, I'd do it this way, that's a tall building, you could jump off that".
They're all a bit tied up a the moment but you should both see a Doctor, maybe separately.
Depression is a terrible thing, there's been quite a few sufferers on her recently. Trouble is as it gets a hold you end up on a downward spiral that ends with a crash......
I know people who are naturally mellow, cynical (me), who often sound depressed, some actually are, just masking it, but I know someone who tried to end it all and a couple who succeeded.
Seek medical attention please and quickly.don't dismiss this, particularly in yourself.
Depression is a terrible thing, there's been quite a few sufferers on her recently. Trouble is as it gets a hold you end up on a downward spiral that ends with a crash......
I know people who are naturally mellow, cynical (me), who often sound depressed, some actually are, just masking it, but I know someone who tried to end it all and a couple who succeeded.
Seek medical attention please and quickly.don't dismiss this, particularly in yourself.
Totally agree with the above reply . You both need to see/speak to a doctor.
Let’s face it, this week is something we have ever
seen, everyone’s head is all over the place.
To be furloughed when you feel awful is tough plus you can’t do anything.
I would try to get her to go out for a walk sat and Sunday . It might help getting some fresh air and tell her how you feel and tell her you need to ask for help. This is not normal and you are worried.
Let us know how you get on.
Let’s face it, this week is something we have ever
seen, everyone’s head is all over the place.
To be furloughed when you feel awful is tough plus you can’t do anything.
I would try to get her to go out for a walk sat and Sunday . It might help getting some fresh air and tell her how you feel and tell her you need to ask for help. This is not normal and you are worried.
Let us know how you get on.
Thank you for the kind words all. They are appreciated. When this is over I think I'll head to the doctor. I feel a bit of a fraud to be honest, using up scarce resources when there are people who are in immediate danger of serious self-harm. I genuinely believe neither of us are. But it's probably for the best to try and nip it in the bud. My job is pretty stressful at the best of times as well which can't be helping. Once we're done with the house nonsense I may change it for something less stressful, even if it is lower pay.
Mrs has been to the docs and tried private therapy with limited results. Maybe I can get her to give it a go. She's quite sensible about managing her depression usually, it's always bobbing about in the background at a low level, and she recognises that, but the added stress of the last year and recent events hasn't helped.
Well get through this then look at improving the situation. I think confronting things now would be just too much at once. She's been a bit better the last day or so. Just really upset and stressed about the situation, like you'd expect, but functioning. Even got a few laughs out of her. Long term though I think it's something we'll have to work on. She had your and downs, but this down has lasted longer than most.
Mrs has been to the docs and tried private therapy with limited results. Maybe I can get her to give it a go. She's quite sensible about managing her depression usually, it's always bobbing about in the background at a low level, and she recognises that, but the added stress of the last year and recent events hasn't helped.
Well get through this then look at improving the situation. I think confronting things now would be just too much at once. She's been a bit better the last day or so. Just really upset and stressed about the situation, like you'd expect, but functioning. Even got a few laughs out of her. Long term though I think it's something we'll have to work on. She had your and downs, but this down has lasted longer than most.
I am also interested in people views/experiences with this topic. There is someone in my life i try to help however they don't seem open to it. I would like to understand better the line between where mental health stops them doing things as opposed to them just not being willing to try something. Are they just not wanting to try to get better? Thats what i am trying to understand.
I never push things hard but i have tried to help and suggested things such as counselling, group counselling and private counselling (which i offered to pay for). All of which are met with being told when they did counselling before it didn't work.
I also suggest coming to the gym with me, coming for a jog or a stroll outside. And these are also met with them not wanting to join.
Like the OP said sometimes i feel an enabler as when mental health related behaviour occurs (that is a terrible way of describing it but i hope it makes sense) i just allow it to happen, as if i ever try a bit harder to stop it i am met with 'you don't understand' (which is a fair comment as i don't!)
I never push things hard but i have tried to help and suggested things such as counselling, group counselling and private counselling (which i offered to pay for). All of which are met with being told when they did counselling before it didn't work.
I also suggest coming to the gym with me, coming for a jog or a stroll outside. And these are also met with them not wanting to join.
Like the OP said sometimes i feel an enabler as when mental health related behaviour occurs (that is a terrible way of describing it but i hope it makes sense) i just allow it to happen, as if i ever try a bit harder to stop it i am met with 'you don't understand' (which is a fair comment as i don't!)
Be firm, but supportive. I'm lucky, my wife is a saint. Genuinely. I've been troubled with diagnosed mental ill-health for over ten years. At my worst I wasn't getting out of bed or washing for days. It was pretty grim, and I'm lucky to have got through that period.
Some counselling has helped a little, but you really do have to help yourself too. persuade the person who is unwell that they are loved, valued, appreciated, and then persuade them to want to recover. I didn't like where I was, but I just couldn't see how to begin to claw my way out of depression. I'd stopped valuing myself. Cycling, and occasional running helps me stay in reasonable shape, mentally, but I'm nowhere near back to what I'd describe as "my normal self". Some days are better than others.
The other day I flipped out over making a phone call. proper drama queen stuff, to the point where my wife was going to stay home from work, she was so worried. Then she went into work (I insisted she did) and by the time she got a break to call me I'd brought myself back to earth and made the call. The call itself wasn't the problem, but there was a lot of working myself into a lather, catastrophising, etc, before picking up the phone. which is the same with jobs around the house, cleaning, DIY, etc, some days. Other days I can manage to get laundry, shopping, etc, done without the struggle. It's difficult to explain to someone who hasn't suffered this way, because we mostly don't understand why we behave this way ourselves. If we did, then most of us would take steps to not do so. While others may look at me and think "it's alright for him, sat on his arse all day doing sweet FA", doing sweet FA is what is hurting me the most. I might have time to do things, but it gets wasted worrying, procrastinating, and I get to the end of a day where I could have put up some shelves, mown the grass, and spent all afternoon on my bike, and all I've done is sit at my laptop refreshing PistonHeads and Strava like some demented idiot, watching the sands of time slip through my fingers.
Meds didn't work for me, though. They made me numb, and meant I felt physically ill on top of the mental health issues. The Community Mental Health Team were insistent I be on them, but when I left the army, and the care of the military CMH team in Colchester, I took myself off the meds with the agreement of my GP. Meds might work for others, so I wouldn't recommend anyone come off them at my suggestion alone, but there are many options for different types of medication and therapy. so if one set of solutions doesn't work, try another. But the biggest driver for me to keep myself as well as I possibly can is the simple love and support of my wife, and trying to ensure my sons aren't adversely affected by any of my theatrics. I'm a whole lot better than I was at my worst, but I still have to be very aware that I'm incredibly difficult to live with, and to love.
Some counselling has helped a little, but you really do have to help yourself too. persuade the person who is unwell that they are loved, valued, appreciated, and then persuade them to want to recover. I didn't like where I was, but I just couldn't see how to begin to claw my way out of depression. I'd stopped valuing myself. Cycling, and occasional running helps me stay in reasonable shape, mentally, but I'm nowhere near back to what I'd describe as "my normal self". Some days are better than others.
The other day I flipped out over making a phone call. proper drama queen stuff, to the point where my wife was going to stay home from work, she was so worried. Then she went into work (I insisted she did) and by the time she got a break to call me I'd brought myself back to earth and made the call. The call itself wasn't the problem, but there was a lot of working myself into a lather, catastrophising, etc, before picking up the phone. which is the same with jobs around the house, cleaning, DIY, etc, some days. Other days I can manage to get laundry, shopping, etc, done without the struggle. It's difficult to explain to someone who hasn't suffered this way, because we mostly don't understand why we behave this way ourselves. If we did, then most of us would take steps to not do so. While others may look at me and think "it's alright for him, sat on his arse all day doing sweet FA", doing sweet FA is what is hurting me the most. I might have time to do things, but it gets wasted worrying, procrastinating, and I get to the end of a day where I could have put up some shelves, mown the grass, and spent all afternoon on my bike, and all I've done is sit at my laptop refreshing PistonHeads and Strava like some demented idiot, watching the sands of time slip through my fingers.
Meds didn't work for me, though. They made me numb, and meant I felt physically ill on top of the mental health issues. The Community Mental Health Team were insistent I be on them, but when I left the army, and the care of the military CMH team in Colchester, I took myself off the meds with the agreement of my GP. Meds might work for others, so I wouldn't recommend anyone come off them at my suggestion alone, but there are many options for different types of medication and therapy. so if one set of solutions doesn't work, try another. But the biggest driver for me to keep myself as well as I possibly can is the simple love and support of my wife, and trying to ensure my sons aren't adversely affected by any of my theatrics. I'm a whole lot better than I was at my worst, but I still have to be very aware that I'm incredibly difficult to live with, and to love.
This is a hard one - there is no right answer.
I increasingly believe that you cannot fix/help anybody who does not want to be helped. You can only be there to help when they are ready to change.
There is the thought of "Why do they not want to change?" The answer is often simply that it does not hurt enough to make them change. Give that concept some time to be considered.
You can only be there to help ensure that they do not do something silly.
Part of you helping them is to make sure you are not too worn out at the point they do wish to change that you are unable to spot it or help.
Ultimately, all grown/capable adults are responsible for solving their own problems - you can only be there to help when they realise it's a problem they want to solve.
I increasingly believe that you cannot fix/help anybody who does not want to be helped. You can only be there to help when they are ready to change.
There is the thought of "Why do they not want to change?" The answer is often simply that it does not hurt enough to make them change. Give that concept some time to be considered.
You can only be there to help ensure that they do not do something silly.
Part of you helping them is to make sure you are not too worn out at the point they do wish to change that you are unable to spot it or help.
Ultimately, all grown/capable adults are responsible for solving their own problems - you can only be there to help when they realise it's a problem they want to solve.
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