Living with an Abusive Alcoholic Spouse, at my wits end
Discussion
Firstly I’m a regular user, I’ve created this account to seek advice on this subject as genuinely I don’t know where to turn.
I’ve known my now wife for many years, we got together 4 and married 3 years ago, since then things have really gone downhill with her drinking. Most of which I am being blamed for.
When she is sober, lovely lovely woman with a heart of gold that would do anything for you, however in an evening when the usual bottle of wine, sometimes 2+ is consumed she turns into a different person. Usually she starts to cry and feel sorry for herself, then starts being venomous with what she says, only last night I was an a
hole prick for going to bed at 10.30 whilst she was on the phone to a friend in the lounge. She came to bed about 11.30 absolutely pissed, continued to verbally abuse me before falling asleep.
Last night is normal behaviour for at least 3-4 nights a week, sometimes more. I have walked out to avoid confrontation, had confrontations with her when she’s been drunk but nothing makes any difference. She’s sorry about it in the morning and life (for her) goes on as if it never happened.
I’m not innocent in all this, she didn’t like the fact I enjoyed a very occasion line or two on a night out, but when I say occasional, I mean 3-4 times a year tops. However I’m constantly reminded of this and labelled a junkie when she starts on one of her rants.
She also accuses me of cheating, questions my phone useage, who I’m messaging etc. In a nutshell doesn’t trust me, yet I’ve never went near another female in all the time we have been together.
I’ve tried talking to her, the in-laws and even some of her friends to assist. None seem too interested in helping me try to help my wife get the help she needs. My wife doesn’t see she has a problem, but I can count on one hand in the 3 years we have lived together there hasn’t been an evening a bottle of wine has not been
opened or consumed.
I have a son from a previous relationship, whom I see regularly but his mother has found out how my wife behaves towards me and quite rightly is reluctant to let my son stay over as before.
I’m at my wits end and don’t know where to go from here.
I’ve known my now wife for many years, we got together 4 and married 3 years ago, since then things have really gone downhill with her drinking. Most of which I am being blamed for.
When she is sober, lovely lovely woman with a heart of gold that would do anything for you, however in an evening when the usual bottle of wine, sometimes 2+ is consumed she turns into a different person. Usually she starts to cry and feel sorry for herself, then starts being venomous with what she says, only last night I was an a
hole prick for going to bed at 10.30 whilst she was on the phone to a friend in the lounge. She came to bed about 11.30 absolutely pissed, continued to verbally abuse me before falling asleep. Last night is normal behaviour for at least 3-4 nights a week, sometimes more. I have walked out to avoid confrontation, had confrontations with her when she’s been drunk but nothing makes any difference. She’s sorry about it in the morning and life (for her) goes on as if it never happened.
I’m not innocent in all this, she didn’t like the fact I enjoyed a very occasion line or two on a night out, but when I say occasional, I mean 3-4 times a year tops. However I’m constantly reminded of this and labelled a junkie when she starts on one of her rants.
She also accuses me of cheating, questions my phone useage, who I’m messaging etc. In a nutshell doesn’t trust me, yet I’ve never went near another female in all the time we have been together.
I’ve tried talking to her, the in-laws and even some of her friends to assist. None seem too interested in helping me try to help my wife get the help she needs. My wife doesn’t see she has a problem, but I can count on one hand in the 3 years we have lived together there hasn’t been an evening a bottle of wine has not been
opened or consumed.
I have a son from a previous relationship, whom I see regularly but his mother has found out how my wife behaves towards me and quite rightly is reluctant to let my son stay over as before.
I’m at my wits end and don’t know where to go from here.
You need to walk out and I think you recognise that yourself in reality. As you don't have mutual children from what I read to worry about it's the sensible thing to do.
Things will only escalate while you remain there and you really don't want to be found in a position where things become physical either through your wife drinking and escalating behaviour or you snapping because of it, not judging your character I assure you but I have seen it happen to others in the past who under any other circumstances are perfectly decent people.
Things will only escalate while you remain there and you really don't want to be found in a position where things become physical either through your wife drinking and escalating behaviour or you snapping because of it, not judging your character I assure you but I have seen it happen to others in the past who under any other circumstances are perfectly decent people.
OP unfortunately there is no cure.
My wife and I were married in 2006
I knew she was a drinker (she comes from a culture of drinking)
She changed from a binge drinker to a one bottle of wine a day drinker.
After 2.5 years of drinking one bottle a day (without breaks) she became paranoid and mentally unstable.
That was back in early 2015.
I then spent three years battling for custody of my kids.
During those three years I relinquished everything and was living back with my parents.
After eventually gaining custody I moved back home and she moved back into the property she had before we were married.
The last two years have been quiet but still way way short of any proper resolution.
For your health you need to act quickly and physically and legally call it a day.
Be under no illusion when you start this process things will get MUCH worse.
There is also a high possibility that she will drink herself to death within the next three years.
Sorry for this.
My wife and I were married in 2006
I knew she was a drinker (she comes from a culture of drinking)
She changed from a binge drinker to a one bottle of wine a day drinker.
After 2.5 years of drinking one bottle a day (without breaks) she became paranoid and mentally unstable.
That was back in early 2015.
I then spent three years battling for custody of my kids.
During those three years I relinquished everything and was living back with my parents.
After eventually gaining custody I moved back home and she moved back into the property she had before we were married.
The last two years have been quiet but still way way short of any proper resolution.
For your health you need to act quickly and physically and legally call it a day.
Be under no illusion when you start this process things will get MUCH worse.
There is also a high possibility that she will drink herself to death within the next three years.
Sorry for this.
Thanks for the responses so far, I have tried reasoning with her over this but to no avail.
Granted I enjoy a beer with my tea or maybe a few over the weekend in the days when we could go to the pub, but nothing on the scale of my wife.
Walking out isn’t an option, as it’s my property, I guess I’ll need to take legal advice for that moving forward.
Granted I enjoy a beer with my tea or maybe a few over the weekend in the days when we could go to the pub, but nothing on the scale of my wife.
Walking out isn’t an option, as it’s my property, I guess I’ll need to take legal advice for that moving forward.
Greenmantle said:
OP unfortunately there is no cure.
My wife and I were married in 2006
I knew she was a drinker (she comes from a culture of drinking)
She changed from a binge drinker to a one bottle of wine a day drinker.
After 2.5 years of drinking one bottle a day (without breaks) she became paranoid and mentally unstable.
That was back in early 2015.
I then spent three years battling for custody of my kids.
During those three years I relinquished everything and was living back with my parents.
After eventually gaining custody I moved back home and she moved back into the property she had before we were married.
The last two years have been quiet but still way way short of any proper resolution.
For your health you need to act quickly and physically and legally call it a day.
Be under no illusion when you start this process things will get MUCH worse.
There is also a high possibility that she will drink herself to death within the next three years.
Sorry for this.
This sounds harrowingly close to home. My wife and I were married in 2006
I knew she was a drinker (she comes from a culture of drinking)
She changed from a binge drinker to a one bottle of wine a day drinker.
After 2.5 years of drinking one bottle a day (without breaks) she became paranoid and mentally unstable.
That was back in early 2015.
I then spent three years battling for custody of my kids.
During those three years I relinquished everything and was living back with my parents.
After eventually gaining custody I moved back home and she moved back into the property she had before we were married.
The last two years have been quiet but still way way short of any proper resolution.
For your health you need to act quickly and physically and legally call it a day.
Be under no illusion when you start this process things will get MUCH worse.
There is also a high possibility that she will drink herself to death within the next three years.
Sorry for this.
Get out now. You will not be able to help her, even if you think you can YOU WON'T.
I have been there and tried to help but all it did was drag me down also. I got to my lowest point of self worth, if it wasn't for a good mate verbally slapping me round the chops and making me wake up to who I had become. I would have carried on into oblivion.
I have been there and tried to help but all it did was drag me down also. I got to my lowest point of self worth, if it wasn't for a good mate verbally slapping me round the chops and making me wake up to who I had become. I would have carried on into oblivion.
Sympathies OP. I have no direct experience with this situation, but used to be a one bottle of wine a day merchant. I however have always been a happy drunk, it caused no problems in our life (my wife and I just really like wine!) but three years ago tomorrow I had a minor heart attack whilst working at home.
That was rather a wake up call. Fact is the drinking had become a nice middle class habit. We both immediately agreed to give up drinking in the week. Neither of us wanted to, but saw it as a good thing to do for the benefit of our long-term health. We expected that we would be crawling the walls, but after a couple of days it was easy, given the circumstances.
Everyone is different. The posts above make difficult reading, but not everyone is the same in terms of how they give up or reduce drinking.
Do you actually want to be with the sober version of your wife?
What is her reaction to your suggestion that she has 'a problem'?
Is alcohol masking other problems in your relationship?
Have you sought professional help ? AA? Drinkaware? www.drinkaware.co.uk
Lots of people have suggested 'leave, now' as the solution, but that is most likely completely impractical for both of you, especially given the current conditions on restricted movement.
We now only drink in moderation at the weekend. We both really look forward to a Friday night tipple at the end of a busy week, but do not cane it. If you had asked me three years ago if my wife would be like this I would have doubted you.
Good luck.
That was rather a wake up call. Fact is the drinking had become a nice middle class habit. We both immediately agreed to give up drinking in the week. Neither of us wanted to, but saw it as a good thing to do for the benefit of our long-term health. We expected that we would be crawling the walls, but after a couple of days it was easy, given the circumstances.
Everyone is different. The posts above make difficult reading, but not everyone is the same in terms of how they give up or reduce drinking.
Do you actually want to be with the sober version of your wife?
What is her reaction to your suggestion that she has 'a problem'?
Is alcohol masking other problems in your relationship?
Have you sought professional help ? AA? Drinkaware? www.drinkaware.co.uk
Lots of people have suggested 'leave, now' as the solution, but that is most likely completely impractical for both of you, especially given the current conditions on restricted movement.
We now only drink in moderation at the weekend. We both really look forward to a Friday night tipple at the end of a busy week, but do not cane it. If you had asked me three years ago if my wife would be like this I would have doubted you.
Good luck.
I'm sorry to hear of your challenge twenty21 and, having gone through much the same myself,
I may be able to help though I can offer nothing but cold comfort at best.
I recently came out of the right side of eleven years of what you're receiving. My ex and I were friends
as teenagers and we did the Friends Reunited thing. This culminated in an escape to Gretna and we were married.
best behaviour followed for a while but the bottle continued to intervene and her booze use increased.
There's no need to go into great detail, save for showing the lowlights...
In the inevitable divorce, she made every attempt to ensure that I lost my house, my parents' legacy.In the end, a very
good friend bailed me out.
She made sure I couldn't progress in my favourite hobby of target rifle shooting. She approached the police many times
and so, I was refused a gun licence on three occasions and still haven't got one.
Life was made a misery. You've touched on the sort of things that are said and done.
I eventually came to realise some salient points. She was and is a 'functioning alcoholic'. She's
alcohol dependent but people on the periphery of her world never realise how she behaves
after a bottle or two.
To paraphrase Kyle Rees in Terminator, 'You can't argue with her, you can't reason with her and she absolutely
will not stop uintil you are...'(insert outcome as appropriate).
So, forget monitoring consumption and forget caring about what she does to herself.
My ex has new developed COPD - there's a direct link between chronic alcohol abuse
and lung damage.
What I found helpful was essentially twofold. First, I bit the bullet
and realised the marriage was stone dead. The sex stopped in its tracks
a long time ago and the abuse simply got worse. So in response to her
snarling, "What do you wanna do?", I started divorce proceedings.
BTW if you do this, put your money and assets in lockdown first, or you'll suffer.
The second thing I did was to start attending Al Anon. This isn't alcoholics anonymous, it's
a support network for the walking wounded that end up in the alcoholic's wake.
I went to weekly meetings, among people in the same boat and this really helped.
Other than this, do your own thing. Trying to please her now is like refusing
your last cigarette on health grounds before the firing squad does it's job.
Above all, realise these things. It is youi who matter now, what befalls her
is irrelevant...her fate is self-imposed.
And remeber this...you're going to win.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
I may be able to help though I can offer nothing but cold comfort at best.
I recently came out of the right side of eleven years of what you're receiving. My ex and I were friends
as teenagers and we did the Friends Reunited thing. This culminated in an escape to Gretna and we were married.
best behaviour followed for a while but the bottle continued to intervene and her booze use increased.
There's no need to go into great detail, save for showing the lowlights...
In the inevitable divorce, she made every attempt to ensure that I lost my house, my parents' legacy.In the end, a very
good friend bailed me out.
She made sure I couldn't progress in my favourite hobby of target rifle shooting. She approached the police many times
and so, I was refused a gun licence on three occasions and still haven't got one.
Life was made a misery. You've touched on the sort of things that are said and done.
I eventually came to realise some salient points. She was and is a 'functioning alcoholic'. She's
alcohol dependent but people on the periphery of her world never realise how she behaves
after a bottle or two.
To paraphrase Kyle Rees in Terminator, 'You can't argue with her, you can't reason with her and she absolutely
will not stop uintil you are...'(insert outcome as appropriate).
So, forget monitoring consumption and forget caring about what she does to herself.
My ex has new developed COPD - there's a direct link between chronic alcohol abuse
and lung damage.
What I found helpful was essentially twofold. First, I bit the bullet
and realised the marriage was stone dead. The sex stopped in its tracks
a long time ago and the abuse simply got worse. So in response to her
snarling, "What do you wanna do?", I started divorce proceedings.
BTW if you do this, put your money and assets in lockdown first, or you'll suffer.
The second thing I did was to start attending Al Anon. This isn't alcoholics anonymous, it's
a support network for the walking wounded that end up in the alcoholic's wake.
I went to weekly meetings, among people in the same boat and this really helped.
Other than this, do your own thing. Trying to please her now is like refusing
your last cigarette on health grounds before the firing squad does it's job.
Above all, realise these things. It is youi who matter now, what befalls her
is irrelevant...her fate is self-imposed.
And remeber this...you're going to win.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
twenty21 said:
Thanks for the responses so far, I have tried reasoning with her over this but to no avail.
Granted I enjoy a beer with my tea or maybe a few over the weekend in the days when we could go to the pub, but nothing on the scale of my wife.
Walking out isn’t an option, as it’s my property, I guess I’ll need to take legal advice for that moving forward.
You're married so it's no longer your propertyGranted I enjoy a beer with my tea or maybe a few over the weekend in the days when we could go to the pub, but nothing on the scale of my wife.
Walking out isn’t an option, as it’s my property, I guess I’ll need to take legal advice for that moving forward.
I've been in a very similar situation around 12 years ago. Loveliest woman in the world during the day, turned into a nightmare at night.
The verbal abuse turned into violent abuse, to the point that on one occasion my then 10 year old son called the police (who weren't much help, removed me from the property and left her pissed up in charge of our 3 young kids).
I tried reasoning with her in sober moments, and every time she agreed it was an issue, but the behaviour continued. She start to make changes, went to the doctor, was diagnosed with depression (of course) and started counselling. However within our 4 walls nothing changed. Even the kids pleaded with her. I gave her an ultimatum, that she had a period of time to change her ways and she agreed to that. Still nothing changed. So when that day came I moved into a hotel whilst I found a rental. One week later I got a text message from her to say she was leaving for good - would never be back. So I drove to the house to find she had left. She came back a week later like nothing had ever happened. Anyway, we're a long time divorced now. Her behaviour continued after I'd left, with a stream of different blokes. I got a letter from an old neighbour, apologising because she always thought I was the aggressor as that's what my ex wife told everyone. She still lives in the same house that I pay for, kids are all in their late teens, early twenties and are lovely young adults.
Moral of the story you can stick with it, doubtful it'll improve. In hindsight I'd have gone much earlier. Either way, best of luck!
The verbal abuse turned into violent abuse, to the point that on one occasion my then 10 year old son called the police (who weren't much help, removed me from the property and left her pissed up in charge of our 3 young kids).
I tried reasoning with her in sober moments, and every time she agreed it was an issue, but the behaviour continued. She start to make changes, went to the doctor, was diagnosed with depression (of course) and started counselling. However within our 4 walls nothing changed. Even the kids pleaded with her. I gave her an ultimatum, that she had a period of time to change her ways and she agreed to that. Still nothing changed. So when that day came I moved into a hotel whilst I found a rental. One week later I got a text message from her to say she was leaving for good - would never be back. So I drove to the house to find she had left. She came back a week later like nothing had ever happened. Anyway, we're a long time divorced now. Her behaviour continued after I'd left, with a stream of different blokes. I got a letter from an old neighbour, apologising because she always thought I was the aggressor as that's what my ex wife told everyone. She still lives in the same house that I pay for, kids are all in their late teens, early twenties and are lovely young adults.
Moral of the story you can stick with it, doubtful it'll improve. In hindsight I'd have gone much earlier. Either way, best of luck!
I find life surreal
Everyone says get married, get married get married
It’s what society expects
It’s what people expect
Then the minute someone has an issue everyone’s answer is leave and don’t go back, leave her, move out, move away get away
I just find it weird
I feel sorry for your OP but she is your wife, you married her and so I personally feel you really need to do everything for her and try your best to work it out and help, help and help. In sickness and in health etc
Personally I don’t believe in marriage because I want to be able to leave if I / my partner changes and don’t believe in a life partner
Maybe this comes across as idiotic and I’m sure people will have a go at me but what’s the point in getting married in the first place if people leave their wife if they have a problem.
What if she got Alzheimer’s, dementia, Parkinson’s etc
There is no right or wrong answer, all I’m just saying is society is weird
Everyone says get married, get married get married
It’s what society expects
It’s what people expect
Then the minute someone has an issue everyone’s answer is leave and don’t go back, leave her, move out, move away get away
I just find it weird
I feel sorry for your OP but she is your wife, you married her and so I personally feel you really need to do everything for her and try your best to work it out and help, help and help. In sickness and in health etc
Personally I don’t believe in marriage because I want to be able to leave if I / my partner changes and don’t believe in a life partner
Maybe this comes across as idiotic and I’m sure people will have a go at me but what’s the point in getting married in the first place if people leave their wife if they have a problem.
What if she got Alzheimer’s, dementia, Parkinson’s etc
There is no right or wrong answer, all I’m just saying is society is weird
You have my sympathies. I put up with an abusive relationship for a while, once. It was fking murder getting out, but I cannot begin to describe how worthwhile.
Drinkers often turn nasty when their punchbag tries to leave, so be very careful and tie things up tight so there's no way back in for her after your done. Good luck.
king murder getting out, but I cannot begin to describe how worthwhile. Drinkers often turn nasty when their punchbag tries to leave, so be very careful and tie things up tight so there's no way back in for her after your done. Good luck.
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