Wife Wants Third Child, I Don’t
Discussion
Okay folks, long term member here, but have made another account due to the sensitive nature of this topic.
Basically my wife and I have two children (2 and 5) and she is desperate for a third. I really do not want a third. We’re both early 30s and - regardless of everything else going on in the world right now - I do not wish to have another baby.
I must admit that I never really enjoyed the first year or so with both of our children (who I adore and absolutely do not regret) and the thought of jumping back into this fills me with dread. I’m just not a ‘baby person’. To be honest I could probably have gone through life without ever having any, but I’m glad that I didn’t choose that path. We discussed the topic of having kids before getting married, but didn’t settle on a number.
My job is demanding and often has long hours - the last thing I really want is to be deprived of any more sleep, energy and free time than I am already. My wife counters this by saying I would have to do very little with this new one, which is generous but perhaps unrealistic.
I feel that we’re now past the baby stage and have no desire to return to a life of pushchairs and nappies. I’m looking forward to soon being able to go as a family on city holidays that aren’t suitable for tiny ones. I don’t want to have to buy a huge 7-seat car. I want to give as much time and support (both emotionally and financially) to our current two as I can now and into the future.
I worry financially as, while my job pays well (my wife works for my company too), we have a nice house and nice cars - and a new baby is not particularly expensive in itself - things do get harder when nursery fees start. I currently pay for private schooling for the older one and nursery at the same school for the younger child and this is expensive but affordable. In my eyes adding a third is too much and I’m not sure I want any more pressure on my shoulders at having to provide for another set of fees. I suppose it would technically be affordable, but it’s more of a stretch. There is of course the option of moving to the state sector, which I would have no problem with except that the local catchment school is not a nice one and all of the others are very in demand. It would also be unfair to move our current two who are very happy where they are now.
On top of all this, we have the COVID-19 problem. My previously very successful company is making next to no money right now, but will do as soon as things straighten out a little. She wants to get pregnant *right now* and I feel that with all the uncertainty around CV-19, where we will be in 9-12 months (in terms of the virus, the nation and my own company) is quite unclear. Putting all my other reservations to one side for a moment, I would still not be keen on her getting pregnant in the next year or so just because of this.
In a way this perhaps all feels a bit selfish, a bit ‘poor me’. Is it wrong to just want to enjoy what I have now? Someone needs to give in as it’s pushing my wife and me apart - we cannot and will not agree on this and I’m not sure where we go from here. Feels like I’m going to have to grin and bear it, otherwise risk destroying everything we currently have.
Apologies for the length and personal nature of this, but writing it down has been somewhat therapeutic and I appreciate any input that others can provide. Happy to be told I’m wrong.
TL;DR - wife wants third child, I’m done at two.
Basically my wife and I have two children (2 and 5) and she is desperate for a third. I really do not want a third. We’re both early 30s and - regardless of everything else going on in the world right now - I do not wish to have another baby.
I must admit that I never really enjoyed the first year or so with both of our children (who I adore and absolutely do not regret) and the thought of jumping back into this fills me with dread. I’m just not a ‘baby person’. To be honest I could probably have gone through life without ever having any, but I’m glad that I didn’t choose that path. We discussed the topic of having kids before getting married, but didn’t settle on a number.
My job is demanding and often has long hours - the last thing I really want is to be deprived of any more sleep, energy and free time than I am already. My wife counters this by saying I would have to do very little with this new one, which is generous but perhaps unrealistic.
I feel that we’re now past the baby stage and have no desire to return to a life of pushchairs and nappies. I’m looking forward to soon being able to go as a family on city holidays that aren’t suitable for tiny ones. I don’t want to have to buy a huge 7-seat car. I want to give as much time and support (both emotionally and financially) to our current two as I can now and into the future.
I worry financially as, while my job pays well (my wife works for my company too), we have a nice house and nice cars - and a new baby is not particularly expensive in itself - things do get harder when nursery fees start. I currently pay for private schooling for the older one and nursery at the same school for the younger child and this is expensive but affordable. In my eyes adding a third is too much and I’m not sure I want any more pressure on my shoulders at having to provide for another set of fees. I suppose it would technically be affordable, but it’s more of a stretch. There is of course the option of moving to the state sector, which I would have no problem with except that the local catchment school is not a nice one and all of the others are very in demand. It would also be unfair to move our current two who are very happy where they are now.
On top of all this, we have the COVID-19 problem. My previously very successful company is making next to no money right now, but will do as soon as things straighten out a little. She wants to get pregnant *right now* and I feel that with all the uncertainty around CV-19, where we will be in 9-12 months (in terms of the virus, the nation and my own company) is quite unclear. Putting all my other reservations to one side for a moment, I would still not be keen on her getting pregnant in the next year or so just because of this.
In a way this perhaps all feels a bit selfish, a bit ‘poor me’. Is it wrong to just want to enjoy what I have now? Someone needs to give in as it’s pushing my wife and me apart - we cannot and will not agree on this and I’m not sure where we go from here. Feels like I’m going to have to grin and bear it, otherwise risk destroying everything we currently have.
Apologies for the length and personal nature of this, but writing it down has been somewhat therapeutic and I appreciate any input that others can provide. Happy to be told I’m wrong.
TL;DR - wife wants third child, I’m done at two.
No one could ever offer you the “right” thing to do in your case, there are so many facets that we’re not aware of, and are unable to comment on.
I can only say that many moons ago, my wife and I had two sons, 3.5 years apart.
She wasn’t desperate, but she was agitating gently for going for another, hopefully a girl.
I knew, and tried to state nicely to her that I/we could give the boys a more than reasonable lifestyle, they’d always have shoes on their feet, and food on the table, but as much as we both loved kids, another one would mean cutting our cloth etc.
Things got very fraught, and I would spend evenings holding her while she cried, and imagining myself as the villain of the piece.
Eventually, and I can’t blame my wife for it, I slid into an affair.
My wife guessed the truth, and asked me about it, I confessed and left the marital home.
All this happened circa 50 years ago, and it still tears me apart when I think of what might have been.
I can only say that many moons ago, my wife and I had two sons, 3.5 years apart.
She wasn’t desperate, but she was agitating gently for going for another, hopefully a girl.
I knew, and tried to state nicely to her that I/we could give the boys a more than reasonable lifestyle, they’d always have shoes on their feet, and food on the table, but as much as we both loved kids, another one would mean cutting our cloth etc.
Things got very fraught, and I would spend evenings holding her while she cried, and imagining myself as the villain of the piece.
Eventually, and I can’t blame my wife for it, I slid into an affair.
My wife guessed the truth, and asked me about it, I confessed and left the marital home.
All this happened circa 50 years ago, and it still tears me apart when I think of what might have been.
I think you put forward a good argument for not having more.
You said you work long hours - is the desire for a child possibly an emotional need that is unfulfilled because you're not there, do you think? I can't see additional children filling a gap, but women are strange creatures.
If conversation isn't working then I guess this all hinges on what she'll do if you refuse, or what you'll do if she demands?
You said you work long hours - is the desire for a child possibly an emotional need that is unfulfilled because you're not there, do you think? I can't see additional children filling a gap, but women are strange creatures.
If conversation isn't working then I guess this all hinges on what she'll do if you refuse, or what you'll do if she demands?
2020 said:
In a way this perhaps all feels a bit selfish, a bit ‘poor me’. Is it wrong to just want to enjoy what I have now? Someone needs to give in as it’s pushing my wife and me apart - we cannot and will not agree on this and I’m not sure where we go from here. Feels like I’m going to have to grin and bear it, otherwise risk destroying everything we currently have.
Sorry to focus in on this one part but in my opinion only - I don't think you should give yourself a kicking for being 'poor me' and selfish - you're not. It sounds like you are working hard to give your kids the best of what they need, not to mention a stable and happy home life.
Your wife wants another baby. She is not wrong or unreasonable in that regard.
There has to be some sort of conciliation, it can't be one's wishes against the other.
Surely she will be able to accept that the time is just not right at the moment - during the most bizarre and worst period of time we've had to get through since the war - and it's not unreasonable in my eyes to ask her to hang fire for now.
Having said that, I don't know if the clock is ticking age-wise.
Sorry you're having these difficulties, it gets very hard when couples can't agree on this subject.
Stay strong.
With how s
t is right now, nothing would want me to be bringing another little one along.
You got 2 kids at a lovely age, you are honest about how you feel about how that was, and I agree , its not easy, and as you see things getting better, you are fraught at the thought of going through it all again.
I sympathise, and don't think that I would be any different in your shoes.
t is right now, nothing would want me to be bringing another little one along. You got 2 kids at a lovely age, you are honest about how you feel about how that was, and I agree , its not easy, and as you see things getting better, you are fraught at the thought of going through it all again.
I sympathise, and don't think that I would be any different in your shoes.
Tricky situation. Ultimately your wishes will prevail simply because without your agreement it isn't going to happen.
My wife was the same - I really didn't want a third. We have a boy and a girl and as far as I was concerned, a happy and complete family. From every conceivable point of view (including most of those you mention) another child just wouldn't make sense.
I asked her, who exactly would the third child be benefitting? Not the existing two children, it would mean spreading the duties of parenthood even thinner (I say this as the eldest of four). Not me, as I felt we were complete as we were. Not mankind in general, as the world is sufficiently populated as it is. So in a roundabout way, I argued she was putting her needs and desires ahead of everybody else's. (I didn't say this in as many words of course).
In the end we didn't have a third. We divorced when the youngest was 5 years old (sorry). Looking back not having a third one was definitely the right decision for all.
I appreciate it feels "wrong" to counter the drive and desire of mother nature with practical matters (new car, bigger house, expensive holidays, school fees etc) but realistically, if it doesn't feel right for you, just don't do it.
My wife was the same - I really didn't want a third. We have a boy and a girl and as far as I was concerned, a happy and complete family. From every conceivable point of view (including most of those you mention) another child just wouldn't make sense.
I asked her, who exactly would the third child be benefitting? Not the existing two children, it would mean spreading the duties of parenthood even thinner (I say this as the eldest of four). Not me, as I felt we were complete as we were. Not mankind in general, as the world is sufficiently populated as it is. So in a roundabout way, I argued she was putting her needs and desires ahead of everybody else's. (I didn't say this in as many words of course).
In the end we didn't have a third. We divorced when the youngest was 5 years old (sorry). Looking back not having a third one was definitely the right decision for all.
I appreciate it feels "wrong" to counter the drive and desire of mother nature with practical matters (new car, bigger house, expensive holidays, school fees etc) but realistically, if it doesn't feel right for you, just don't do it.
Thank you for the replies so far; every single one is helpful to me in some way.
Just a couple of additional points that I forgot the first time around (it’s hard typing all of this on a phone!):
1. I appreciate that no-one can say what is right or wrong in this instance, but it’s nice to hear others’ stories and input, good or bad.
2. Current kids are a boy and a girl, so it’s not like my wife’s aiming to ‘complete the set’, so to speak.
3. My wife has suffered with PND after both births and this has been very unpleasant for both of us. Indeed, she is still on antidepressants after the birth of our second. Not sure if this is relevant as the GP told her it should never stop her from having any more kids, but it didn’t feel that way at times in the past.
4. Early 30s so age isn’t really an issue, but she doesn’t want a ‘big gap’.
5. A good point about a potential emotional gap due to my not being there sometimes. Hard for me to answer that, but I suppose there could be an element of truth in it somewhere.
Just a couple of additional points that I forgot the first time around (it’s hard typing all of this on a phone!):
1. I appreciate that no-one can say what is right or wrong in this instance, but it’s nice to hear others’ stories and input, good or bad.
2. Current kids are a boy and a girl, so it’s not like my wife’s aiming to ‘complete the set’, so to speak.
3. My wife has suffered with PND after both births and this has been very unpleasant for both of us. Indeed, she is still on antidepressants after the birth of our second. Not sure if this is relevant as the GP told her it should never stop her from having any more kids, but it didn’t feel that way at times in the past.
4. Early 30s so age isn’t really an issue, but she doesn’t want a ‘big gap’.
5. A good point about a potential emotional gap due to my not being there sometimes. Hard for me to answer that, but I suppose there could be an element of truth in it somewhere.
My second was born in November 2016. In December I was knocking on the doctors door, he told me to ps off until February. 
I was all tucked up by Easter whilst number 2 was still in the hard work, no sleep and stinky nappies phase. My wife later told me she was pleased I controlled that situation before the after effect wore off and she started the whole process of forgetting how hard it is.
She has mentioned that given my skulduggery (all was done with consent but timing was everything) then when the kids are older and leaving home, she would like me to consider the option of fostering as she feels we still have a little love and stability to offer.
I’ll cross that bridge in 15 years or so!
s off until February. I was all tucked up by Easter whilst number 2 was still in the hard work, no sleep and stinky nappies phase. My wife later told me she was pleased I controlled that situation before the after effect wore off and she started the whole process of forgetting how hard it is.
She has mentioned that given my skulduggery (all was done with consent but timing was everything) then when the kids are older and leaving home, she would like me to consider the option of fostering as she feels we still have a little love and stability to offer.
I’ll cross that bridge in 15 years or so!
Edited by eltax91 on Wednesday 6th May 00:07
lemansky said:
Hoofy said:
Could you fast forward 8 years and present how much it would cost to have all kids in private school?
First thing I thought of but didn't articulate.Could possibly be the worst argument to use, unfortunately.
"You can't put a price on... etc"
I have 2 and the thought of adding another fills me with fear.
I am fortunate that me wife feels she is too old for another but there was a short period of time when it was a primary subject.
The notion of moving home, additional expense and less time for ourselves eventually got through to her. It was not fun trying to be rational against her maternal side, but she eventually saw sense.
I showed her how much to put the children through school would cost (50-60k/yr when all 3 are at school) and in order to do it we she would need to go to full time well paid employment and we would also require the inheritance from her parents place (she is an only child).
That didn't go down too well but it did result in her thinking about it in a more practical way.
Not saying this applies to you, but it was getting her to see a more methodical view instead of the joy a baby brings her. The demise of her healthy parents was the trigger in my case. Yes, I did feel bad for a while, but it was the trigger that was needed to have a more practical view on the next 20yrs!
I am fortunate that me wife feels she is too old for another but there was a short period of time when it was a primary subject.
The notion of moving home, additional expense and less time for ourselves eventually got through to her. It was not fun trying to be rational against her maternal side, but she eventually saw sense.
I showed her how much to put the children through school would cost (50-60k/yr when all 3 are at school) and in order to do it we she would need to go to full time well paid employment and we would also require the inheritance from her parents place (she is an only child).
That didn't go down too well but it did result in her thinking about it in a more practical way.
Not saying this applies to you, but it was getting her to see a more methodical view instead of the joy a baby brings her. The demise of her healthy parents was the trigger in my case. Yes, I did feel bad for a while, but it was the trigger that was needed to have a more practical view on the next 20yrs!
Don't.
You haven't got a good reason.
Third child was the divorce reason for all the people I know.
If you have the mindset to keep going (I live in a mainly Catholic community) keep going as usual and have four five six seven and bring them up at home.
But to bring two / three oh and then there is four up and keep working, it doesn't happen.
Think of it as "man marking". If you can't with two......then when one of you has been fouled and is on the bench, who is the substitute.
Oh, also, it usually mans according to Freud, that the family unit should as a whole remain at four but once you have pro-created you have lost your utility. If she is happy to stay at two then you know you'll last. If you start getting irrational reasons for three you be fubared.
You haven't got a good reason.
Third child was the divorce reason for all the people I know.
If you have the mindset to keep going (I live in a mainly Catholic community) keep going as usual and have four five six seven and bring them up at home.
But to bring two / three oh and then there is four up and keep working, it doesn't happen.
Think of it as "man marking". If you can't with two......then when one of you has been fouled and is on the bench, who is the substitute.
Oh, also, it usually mans according to Freud, that the family unit should as a whole remain at four but once you have pro-created you have lost your utility. If she is happy to stay at two then you know you'll last. If you start getting irrational reasons for three you be fubared.
Eh, you will probably end up with a third...
Time to take the kids out of private school, earlier the better. Also get them used to sharing a bedroom, depending on the sex of the 3rd one of them is going to. (We were 3 kids, as the youngest I shared with one sister until she hit puberty, she then went in with the eldest sister much to my delight).
You don’t need a 7 seater, what you need are strict rules about who’s turn it is in the middle seat... And just accept #3 is not going to get the same attention - my parents were much more hands off with me than the elder two, due to less time and less novelty.
Time to take the kids out of private school, earlier the better. Also get them used to sharing a bedroom, depending on the sex of the 3rd one of them is going to. (We were 3 kids, as the youngest I shared with one sister until she hit puberty, she then went in with the eldest sister much to my delight).
You don’t need a 7 seater, what you need are strict rules about who’s turn it is in the middle seat... And just accept #3 is not going to get the same attention - my parents were much more hands off with me than the elder two, due to less time and less novelty.
I have two, and the thought of a third fills me with fear. The wife did mention it a few times but one weekend my brother came to visit with his newborn (my youngest was about 2 or 3) it was just for the weekend but he just kept bringing stuff, cots pushchsirs, high chairs, food, nappies and it was non-stop all weekend. How quickly you forget! The wife decided two was fine after that.
The few friends with 3 say, first was hard, second easy and third a massive pita, especially if they are all really young. You have the problem that pretty much everything is designed around 2 adults and 2 kids or pairs. You suddnely need 2 rooms if you go away when they are older.
If you are out you can manage two easily but the third gets to roam free. Kids activities will always clash and will be hard to manage with 2 adults and 3 kids.
It takes even longer to leave the house.
The few friends with 3 say, first was hard, second easy and third a massive pita, especially if they are all really young. You have the problem that pretty much everything is designed around 2 adults and 2 kids or pairs. You suddnely need 2 rooms if you go away when they are older.
If you are out you can manage two easily but the third gets to roam free. Kids activities will always clash and will be hard to manage with 2 adults and 3 kids.
It takes even longer to leave the house.
We had three children and planned this from the start. I found three not much extra work than two although my wife stayed at home until the youngest was 5 which obviously helped a lot. Ours were about 2 years apart in ages. We had various cars but these weren’t 7 seaters, we managed with a number of smallish family cars such as a Golf. I used a roofbox if we needed more space when going on holiday. I didn’t enjoy it much at all when they were under 2 years but as they grew up we had a lot of fun together and I was able to work from home quite a lot so spent a lot of time with them. They are now 30, 28 and 26 and in hindsight, the decision to have three was the right one for us.
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