Discussion
Hi all.
I am not a shy person but when it comes to asserting myself I struggle, which makes my role as a supervisor difficult at times
Instructions to others always seem to come out like a question.
I struggle in particular with disagreements or belligerence because I get an adrenaline rush to the point that I shut down and can barely communicate.
I would like to hear from anyone who has conquered this lack of confidence in asserting themselves and how you did it?
Thanks
I am not a shy person but when it comes to asserting myself I struggle, which makes my role as a supervisor difficult at times
Instructions to others always seem to come out like a question.
I struggle in particular with disagreements or belligerence because I get an adrenaline rush to the point that I shut down and can barely communicate.
I would like to hear from anyone who has conquered this lack of confidence in asserting themselves and how you did it?
Thanks
I can get exactly those symptoms but it's related to general health, if I've been drinking too much or not exercising stressful situations can raise my anxiety levels. Eating well and getting decent sleep completely cures it.
I drink way less these days so it's not so common but when I used to have weekend benders I would feel very nervous under pressure.
I drink way less these days so it's not so common but when I used to have weekend benders I would feel very nervous under pressure.
In its simplest form, a response could be ‘practice’, i.e. the more experience you get in these scenarios the easier it should get.
If however you have a personality type that may never become comfortable in these situations, simply recognising that first may help. Once recognised, try to develop coping mechanisms that work for you, or some would say, avoid those situations completely by not moving in to leadership roles where these scenarios may be regular occurrences.
If however you have a personality type that may never become comfortable in these situations, simply recognising that first may help. Once recognised, try to develop coping mechanisms that work for you, or some would say, avoid those situations completely by not moving in to leadership roles where these scenarios may be regular occurrences.
Unfortunately it's a bit late to avoid taking the role now and there are lots of perks to having the job, so coping strategy is probably the best option. Luckily 90% of the staff give me no grief.
Regarding lifestyle that's an interesting one, I have to say my lifestyle is poor. I sleep badly and eat too much. On the occasion when I do vigorous exercise I do feel much better about myself so I'm going to try and program that in a few times a week.
Regarding lifestyle that's an interesting one, I have to say my lifestyle is poor. I sleep badly and eat too much. On the occasion when I do vigorous exercise I do feel much better about myself so I'm going to try and program that in a few times a week.
So the question is; "I'm not a t
t, but want to be"?
Really? Most people appreciate being spoken to nicely in a friendly and reasonable manner.
The 1 in 10 who cause problems are bullies and have found in life that if they act like a tt most people back down, in most cases fighting fire with fire will only lead to further escalation as they know no other way.
Reasoned and conciliatory instructions are the way to go, surely if you're supervising you've got the support of your management? Don't get dragged into bickering with people.
t, but want to be"?Really? Most people appreciate being spoken to nicely in a friendly and reasonable manner.
The 1 in 10 who cause problems are bullies and have found in life that if they act like a t
t most people back down, in most cases fighting fire with fire will only lead to further escalation as they know no other way.Reasoned and conciliatory instructions are the way to go, surely if you're supervising you've got the support of your management? Don't get dragged into bickering with people.
FredClogs said:
So the question is; "I'm not a tt, but want to be"?
Really? Most people appreciate being spoken to nicely in a friendly and reasonable manner.
The 1 in 10 who cause problems are bullies and have found in life that if they act like a tt most people back down, in most cases fighting fire with fire will only lead to further escalation as they know no other way.
Reasoned and conciliatory instructions are the way to go, surely if you're supervising you've got the support of your management? Don't get dragged into bickering with people.
Are you high? t, but want to be"?Really? Most people appreciate being spoken to nicely in a friendly and reasonable manner.
The 1 in 10 who cause problems are bullies and have found in life that if they act like a t
t most people back down, in most cases fighting fire with fire will only lead to further escalation as they know no other way.Reasoned and conciliatory instructions are the way to go, surely if you're supervising you've got the support of your management? Don't get dragged into bickering with people.
That's not his issue at all, he struggles to direct people when his position requires it.
I'm sure you enjoyed your sanctimonious rant but it's made you look ridiculous.
Bloody lock-down eh.
You see, the belligerence from people like br d is little more than an attempt to mask his own insecurity. Best thing you can do here is repeat yourself calmly and if you come up against a tt who won't listen to reason the go to you management or HR.
(or take br d's advice an get a good night sleep!?! Wft?)
t who won't listen to reason the go to you management or HR.(or take br d's advice an get a good night sleep!?! Wft?)
foxbody-87 said:
Hi all.
I am not a shy person but when it comes to asserting myself I struggle, which makes my role as a supervisor difficult at times
Instructions to others always seem to come out like a question.
I struggle in particular with disagreements or belligerence because I get an adrenaline rush to the point that I shut down and can barely communicate.
I would like to hear from anyone who has conquered this lack of confidence in asserting themselves and how you did it?
Thanks
A good coach/mentor is really helpful in this situation. A regular coffee with said person, to discuss what happened, how you handled it, how you wanted to and some guiding questions& suggestions from the mentor. I am not a shy person but when it comes to asserting myself I struggle, which makes my role as a supervisor difficult at times
Instructions to others always seem to come out like a question.
I struggle in particular with disagreements or belligerence because I get an adrenaline rush to the point that I shut down and can barely communicate.
I would like to hear from anyone who has conquered this lack of confidence in asserting themselves and how you did it?
Thanks
A practiced sequence from request to direction can also help, by this mean -
1. Can you do xyz please - it doesn’t get done or is met with resistance
2. I need you to do this, because abc, which benefits you/me/organisation, thank you - doesn’t get done or resistance
3. It’s not up for discussion and if you continue it will be a different kind of discussion
Please the first time, thank you the second time, neither the 3rd.
It really does just take practice and that means being out of your comfort zone until it becomes more comfortable.
M22s said:
A good coach/mentor is really helpful in this situation. A regular coffee with said person, to discuss what happened, how you handled it, how you wanted to and some guiding questions& suggestions from the mentor.
A practiced sequence from request to direction can also help, by this mean -
1. Can you do xyz please - it doesn’t get done or is met with resistance
2. I need you to do this, because abc, which benefits you/me/organisation, thank you - doesn’t get done or resistance
3. It’s not up for discussion and if you continue it will be a different kind of discussion
Please the first time, thank you the second time, neither the 3rd.
It really does just take practice and that means being out of your comfort zone until it becomes more comfortable.
I’d agree with this. Consider how much of this can be done via email too. It gives you the protection of not having g face to face conflict but also evidence the requests have been asked. A practiced sequence from request to direction can also help, by this mean -
1. Can you do xyz please - it doesn’t get done or is met with resistance
2. I need you to do this, because abc, which benefits you/me/organisation, thank you - doesn’t get done or resistance
3. It’s not up for discussion and if you continue it will be a different kind of discussion
Please the first time, thank you the second time, neither the 3rd.
It really does just take practice and that means being out of your comfort zone until it becomes more comfortable.
Adopt a method of daily/weekly communication of requirements and there should be little need to address the issues face to face.
Of course if someone isn’t playing ball this could quickly go out the window, but at least then you can go to superiors with evidence of communication to date.
foxbody-87 said:
Hi all.
I am not a shy person but when it comes to asserting myself I struggle, which makes my role as a supervisor difficult at times
Instructions to others always seem to come out like a question.
I struggle in particular with disagreements or belligerence because I get an adrenaline rush to the point that I shut down and can barely communicate.
I would like to hear from anyone who has conquered this lack of confidence in asserting themselves and how you did it?
Thanks
Firstly, most people find these types of situation a challenge - even those who are naturally highly disagreeable people. I am not a shy person but when it comes to asserting myself I struggle, which makes my role as a supervisor difficult at times
Instructions to others always seem to come out like a question.
I struggle in particular with disagreements or belligerence because I get an adrenaline rush to the point that I shut down and can barely communicate.
I would like to hear from anyone who has conquered this lack of confidence in asserting themselves and how you did it?
Thanks
You need to speak with your manager or a trusted senior colleague who has the right experience and so can coach you on the correct management techniques to use.
The key to dealing with difficult people is to realise the triggers before they happen. And to understand these interactions will nearly always follow set and predictable patterns.
You need to learn those patterns, so you can prepare your responses in advance. Then ideally practice them via role-play.
People aren't born with the skills to manage these situations - they learn and develop them over time. So the fact you are asking these questions shows you are open minded and self-aware, which is good starting point for learning new skills.
Budflicker said:
I'm very assertive however I either come across as an aggressive asshole or a patronising tt, I really don't seem to have the ability that some have to be politely assertive despite my very best efforts.
Surely aggressive then not assertive? Not hard is it, just stand up for yourself (as in all of us) and don't let people boss you around. So TX you can go get us some coffee. Er nope.t, I really don't seem to have the ability that some have to be politely assertive despite my very best efforts.TX.
I was a young site manager, 28 yrs old and it seems a long time ago..
As already said, a good network helps, line manager, peers, a senior member of the team who you can trust and speak to in confidence. I also have a good friend who was senior staff in a different industry. All good sounding boards for ideas on managing everything!
Have a good read of your job description, just to get a sense of your role and where you fit into the organisation.
Be very factual and provide measured reasoning when confronting issues. If possible, pick carefully your time to resolve issues with personnel. Fit this into your routine, just like any other task.
Remember, it's the company that expects a certain level of quality or quantity of work, explain this to the employee. Be consistent when applying the rules and guidelines.
Provide positive feedback in front of others and constructive feedback one-on-one and at your first opportunity.
PM me if you would like to provide examples, it's always the same characters who need a push in the right direction.
As already said, a good network helps, line manager, peers, a senior member of the team who you can trust and speak to in confidence. I also have a good friend who was senior staff in a different industry. All good sounding boards for ideas on managing everything!
Have a good read of your job description, just to get a sense of your role and where you fit into the organisation.
Be very factual and provide measured reasoning when confronting issues. If possible, pick carefully your time to resolve issues with personnel. Fit this into your routine, just like any other task.
Remember, it's the company that expects a certain level of quality or quantity of work, explain this to the employee. Be consistent when applying the rules and guidelines.
Provide positive feedback in front of others and constructive feedback one-on-one and at your first opportunity.
PM me if you would like to provide examples, it's always the same characters who need a push in the right direction.
There are a number of books which can help, here are a couple which have stood the test of time:
The other important thing is to make sure your subordinates clearly understand what they have to do and why they are doing it, 'Tell them what you are going to tell them, tell them, and tell them what you told them'.
- The 'One Minute Manager' series - Kenneth Blanchard
- 'How to win friends and influence people' - Dale Carnegie
The other important thing is to make sure your subordinates clearly understand what they have to do and why they are doing it, 'Tell them what you are going to tell them, tell them, and tell them what you told them'.
Dale Carnegie - whilst full of sound principles has aged really badly, plus to my mind its full of phony ways to win sales.
Being authentic is important.
Learn that you don’t need to say too much, simple message and don’t repeat yourself or justify yourself. Once you have said it, don’t say anymore !
Gargamel said:
Dale Carnegie - whilst full of sound principles has aged really badly, plus to my mind its full of phony ways to win sales.
Being authentic is important.
Learn that you don’t need to say too much, simple message and don’t repeat yourself or justify yourself. Once you have said it, don’t say anymore !
Sure, the examples Carnegie gives are 'of their time', i.e. visits to family-run farms etc. The point he makes of understanding the customer and their priorities is still valid though. These days a lot of that can be established by phone and prior research.Being authentic is important.
Learn that you don’t need to say too much, simple message and don’t repeat yourself or justify yourself. Once you have said it, don’t say anymore !
With regard to repeating yourself, its not that, its about explaining the situation - 'Tell them what you're going to tell them', giving out the individual tasks - 'tell them', and summarising how completion of those tasks will collectively achieve the goal - 'tell them them what you've told them'.
Managers who give out tasks in a couple of words, then disappear in a cloud of dust before anyone can ask a question, run the risk of their subordinates misunderstanding the requirement and wasting time unwittingly doing something other than what was needed. If you expect your staff to be mind readers, expect to be disappointed.
Thanks for the replies all. In my last role I never had to deal with somebody outright saying "I'm not doing that", "why should I do that" or "I'm not doing that because..." and it still stumps me when I get it now. As suggested I need to get better at seizing the moment and saying yes you are because XYZ rather than clamming up and thinking of a response thirty minutes later.
Ps Lotus Notes, thanks for your invite and I will PM you shortly.
Ps Lotus Notes, thanks for your invite and I will PM you shortly.
GliderRider said:
Sure, the examples Carnegie gives are 'of their time', i.e. visits to family-run farms etc. The point he makes of understanding the customer and their priorities is still valid though. These days a lot of that can be established by phone and prior research.
With regard to repeating yourself, its not that, its about explaining the situation - 'Tell them what you're going to tell them', giving out the individual tasks - 'tell them', and summarising how completion of those tasks will collectively achieve the goal - 'tell them them what you've told them'.
Managers who give out tasks in a couple of words, then disappear in a cloud of dust before anyone can ask a question, run the risk of their subordinates misunderstanding the requirement and wasting time unwittingly doing something other than what was needed. If you expect your staff to be mind readers, expect to be disappointed.
Subordinates ?With regard to repeating yourself, its not that, its about explaining the situation - 'Tell them what you're going to tell them', giving out the individual tasks - 'tell them', and summarising how completion of those tasks will collectively achieve the goal - 'tell them them what you've told them'.
Managers who give out tasks in a couple of words, then disappear in a cloud of dust before anyone can ask a question, run the risk of their subordinates misunderstanding the requirement and wasting time unwittingly doing something other than what was needed. If you expect your staff to be mind readers, expect to be disappointed.
Perhaps you read Carnegie when it was first released
OP , if they stay things like ‘ I am not doing that”. Then I would suggest a slightly different conversation. This isn’t really about you being assertive in the moment, its about someone who doesn’t want to work there. I suggest you help them live their dream.
foxbody-87 said:
Thanks for the replies all. In my last role I never had to deal with somebody outright saying "I'm not doing that", "why should I do that" or "I'm not doing that because..." and it still stumps me when I get it now. As suggested I need to get better at seizing the moment and saying yes you are because XYZ rather than clamming up and thinking of a response thirty minutes later.
Ps Lotus Notes, thanks for your invite and I will PM you shortly.
If someone directly challenges your authority like that, it is usually best not to get into a direct confrontation just at that moment - otherwise you are playing the game on their terms. And other people will usually be listening so they can be tempted to "play to the gallery" which escalates the situation. Ps Lotus Notes, thanks for your invite and I will PM you shortly.
Instead, walk over to the person, and say very calmly that you need to talk to them on a 1:1 basis. Do not let them refuse, or laugh it off. Say clearly in a calm voice that it is very important you talk with them. Remain calm but firm, so they realise they can't wriggle out of it.
It is rather like when a child is playing up - you first remove them from the situation. It gives the person a few moments to realise they have overstepped the line, and it allows you you to then take control of the situation.
You will need to have anticipated in advance of course where you are going to speak to them, so you can remain calm and in control. From there you get to the good part... putting him in his place, without needing to raise your voice...
Just to follow on from my last point, refusing a reasonable request from a manager or supervisor can be considered misconduct for which they can be dismissed. You do really need to speak to your manager or HR department so you can find out your specific company policies in advance - you can't wing this stuff or make it up as you go along.
If I were doing this, once I had the person on a 1:1 basis, I would summarise what happened i.e. what you asked them to do, why you asked them to do it, and what they said in reply.
Ask them for their reasoning - they might have a good reason which you need to take account of. But most likely, they won't have a good reason and will try and bluster their way out of it (i.e. it was all a joke, I was only messing around, it is all some misunderstanding etc).
Then carefully and deliberately explain your company's policy - make sure they understand it could be considered misconduct which can result in dismissal. They should at this point be starting to realise who holds the whip hand. Decide how much you want to keep turning the screw. Remain calm and measured. Don't lose your cool or let him trip you by taking the conservation off message.
Check their understanding. And lastly - make sure they then go and follow your original instruction.
There are lots of links online covering the actual law - you need to know this beforehand. And I will say again, you should speak to your manager to explain what is happening asap - if they are a good company they will want to support you and ensure the problem is dealt with properly.
https://www.localgovernmentlawyer.co.uk/employment...
If I were doing this, once I had the person on a 1:1 basis, I would summarise what happened i.e. what you asked them to do, why you asked them to do it, and what they said in reply.
Ask them for their reasoning - they might have a good reason which you need to take account of. But most likely, they won't have a good reason and will try and bluster their way out of it (i.e. it was all a joke, I was only messing around, it is all some misunderstanding etc).
Then carefully and deliberately explain your company's policy - make sure they understand it could be considered misconduct which can result in dismissal. They should at this point be starting to realise who holds the whip hand. Decide how much you want to keep turning the screw. Remain calm and measured. Don't lose your cool or let him trip you by taking the conservation off message.
Check their understanding. And lastly - make sure they then go and follow your original instruction.
There are lots of links online covering the actual law - you need to know this beforehand. And I will say again, you should speak to your manager to explain what is happening asap - if they are a good company they will want to support you and ensure the problem is dealt with properly.
https://www.localgovernmentlawyer.co.uk/employment...
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