Snotty letters to big companies
Discussion
My fit of :rage: down the telephone to a certain useless customer service agent today has resulted in me taking great pleasure in writing a neatly worded FINAL DEMAND for repayments of erronous billing to the MD of certain large telecoms corporation today.
Should any of you be thinking about signing up for a Broadband supplier I'd suggest to avoid any company with a V in their title & vaguely related to a certain Mr Branson. :shoot::angel:
They now have 7 days to pay the amount plus interest or its the small claims court, its over £300 !!!! & its taken 8 months to resolve & they're still billing me now.
Let hope that a certain MD gives one hell of bollocking to a very crap customer services dept & I get my money back & some more.
:Rant over:
I'd love to be a fly on the wall tomorrow :spin::smash:
Should any of you be thinking about signing up for a Broadband supplier I'd suggest to avoid any company with a V in their title & vaguely related to a certain Mr Branson. :shoot::angel:
They now have 7 days to pay the amount plus interest or its the small claims court, its over £300 !!!! & its taken 8 months to resolve & they're still billing me now.
Let hope that a certain MD gives one hell of bollocking to a very crap customer services dept & I get my money back & some more.
:Rant over:
I'd love to be a fly on the wall tomorrow :spin::smash:
We used the V people when we first got Broadband and they were blummin' awful. When we cancelled the service, they carried on taking the money off of Tracksides credit card, and then told us we weren't entitled to a refund.
They did eventually stop taking the payments but only after Trackside contacted the credit card company and told them not to pay them any more money.
We gave up trying to get our money back off of them and I'd never recommend anyone to use Virgin as we could never get online due to faulty servers. Granted, it was 2 1/2 years ago, but it still leaves a bad feeling after being treated so shabbily.
Having said that, myself and Little Trackside both have V***** Mobiles and I have no complaints at all.
>> Edited by mrs trackside on Tuesday 21st June 14:19
They did eventually stop taking the payments but only after Trackside contacted the credit card company and told them not to pay them any more money.
We gave up trying to get our money back off of them and I'd never recommend anyone to use Virgin as we could never get online due to faulty servers. Granted, it was 2 1/2 years ago, but it still leaves a bad feeling after being treated so shabbily.
Having said that, myself and Little Trackside both have V***** Mobiles and I have no complaints at all.
>> Edited by mrs trackside on Tuesday 21st June 14:19
I think they're all as bad as each other really.
I'm in dispute with my ex-broadband supplier at the moment, just waiting for them to take me to court. Should be a huge laugh, because despite the fact that I don't dispute that I owe them some money, they can't get their arses into gear a come up with a bill with the right figure on it, currently I've had around 5 different amounts billed and none of them is correct. All they've done is send me a letter EVERY day for the past few months telling me they've terminated my service and that I owe them X (where X is a random number plus another 3 months bill for a service that they aren't providing), sometimes, they've even sent me two letters a day, just so they get the message across I suppose.
This is what happens when you put
wits in charge. But I guess, if you pay peanuts, you get simians.
I'm in dispute with my ex-broadband supplier at the moment, just waiting for them to take me to court. Should be a huge laugh, because despite the fact that I don't dispute that I owe them some money, they can't get their arses into gear a come up with a bill with the right figure on it, currently I've had around 5 different amounts billed and none of them is correct. All they've done is send me a letter EVERY day for the past few months telling me they've terminated my service and that I owe them X (where X is a random number plus another 3 months bill for a service that they aren't providing), sometimes, they've even sent me two letters a day, just so they get the message across I suppose.
This is what happens when you put
wits in charge. But I guess, if you pay peanuts, you get simians.TeamD said:
This is what happens when you put wits in charge.
In order, I think it's:
1) Big fat brandy-drinking Chairman on multimillion salary + bonuses for sacking people
2) Incompetent middle management who couldn't run a bath
3) Menu-driven switchboard designed to keep those nasty customers away, rather like a hi-tech Maginot Line.
4) Cannon fodder in India who mean well but have the decision-making power of a leaf.
That's why simple billing disputes turn into massive punch-ups: nobody sorts them out on Day 1.
BTW Anybody got a good job in customer services going?
This may be of help. A 'sample' letter.
Dear Cretins,
>>>
>>> I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
>>your
>>> 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
>>>
>>> During this three month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
>>> which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
>>> stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
>>> details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative,
and
>>> seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that
>>> you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the
>>> working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your
>>> office.
>>>
>>> My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
>>resulting
>>> in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
your
>>> technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further
57
>>> minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
>>> annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
>>> website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by
playing
>>> with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are
>>> no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
>>>
>>> The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
>>> although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
>>such
>>> as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
>>>
>>> Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several
>>> further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my
>>> modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and
>>begun
>>> to pay for it.
>>>
>>> I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...
>>> these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to
>>> Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
>>>
>>> I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone
>>> calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been
>>> unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who
>>are
>>> it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
>>>
>>> I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will
>>> call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will
call
>>> me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not
>>a
>>> telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be
>>> transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
>>> available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me
>>that
>>> your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows
>>> whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected
to
>>> the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on
>>> this theme.
>>>
>>> Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
>>> thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
>>> those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
>>>
>>> Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
>>> frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
>>>
>>> Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
>>>
>>> I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
>>> god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
>>> disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
>>> their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
>>> anyone else is there?
>>>
>>> How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
>>> dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you
>>> truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -
>>incompetents
>>> of the highest order. British Telecom - w*nkers though they are - shine
>>> like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of
your
>>> seemingly limitless inadequacy.
>>>
>>> Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest
>>> to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise,
>>> and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the
>>> services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
>>> deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
>>> disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by
derision,
>>> and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
>>>
>>> I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
>>litter
>>> tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you,
>>and
>>> your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
>>> dessicated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
>>> posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
>>> experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
>>> very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless
employees.
>>>
>>> Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
>>> irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tts,
>>>
>>> Yours psychotically,
>>>
>>> Xxxx Xxxxxxx
Dear Cretins,
>>>
>>> I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
>>your
>>> 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
>>>
>>> During this three month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
>>> which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
>>> stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
>>> details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative,
and
>>> seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that
>>> you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the
>>> working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your
>>> office.
>>>
>>> My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
>>resulting
>>> in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
your
>>> technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further
57
>>> minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
>>> annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
>>> website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by
playing
>>> with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are
>>> no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
>>>
>>> The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
>>> although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
>>such
>>> as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
>>>
>>> Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several
>>> further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my
>>> modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and
>>begun
>>> to pay for it.
>>>
>>> I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...
>>> these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to
>>> Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
>>>
>>> I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone
>>> calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been
>>> unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who
>>are
>>> it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
>>>
>>> I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will
>>> call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will
call
>>> me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not
>>a
>>> telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be
>>> transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
>>> available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me
>>that
>>> your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows
>>> whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected
to
>>> the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on
>>> this theme.
>>>
>>> Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
>>> thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
>>> those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
>>>
>>> Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
>>> frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
>>>
>>> Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
>>>
>>> I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
>>> god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
>>> disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
>>> their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
>>> anyone else is there?
>>>
>>> How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
>>> dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you
>>> truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -
>>incompetents
>>> of the highest order. British Telecom - w*nkers though they are - shine
>>> like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of
your
>>> seemingly limitless inadequacy.
>>>
>>> Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest
>>> to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise,
>>> and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the
>>> services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
>>> deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
>>> disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by
derision,
>>> and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
>>>
>>> I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
>>litter
>>> tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you,
>>and
>>> your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
>>> dessicated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
>>> posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
>>> experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
>>> very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless
employees.
>>>
>>> Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
>>> irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of t
ts, >>>
>>> Yours psychotically,
>>>
>>> Xxxx Xxxxxxx
NTL still owe me money - one billing amount extra plus the remainder of a rent deposit I can't get back until they send a letter stating that I don't owe them money.
As theers just ignore all my letters, what's the best way of costing them as much money as possible?
I'm not bothered about me getting any (though it would be nice), but what I really want to do is cost them as much money as possible for as little effort as possible on my part...
All suggestions welcome
As the
ers just ignore all my letters, what's the best way of costing them as much money as possible? I'm not bothered about me getting any (though it would be nice), but what I really want to do is cost them as much money as possible for as little effort as possible on my part...
All suggestions welcome
Fatboy said:
NTL still owe me money - one billing amount extra plus the remainder of a rent deposit I can't get back until they send a letter stating that I don't owe them money.
As the
I'm not bothered about me getting any (though it would be nice), but what I really want to do is cost them as much money as possible for as little effort as possible on my part...
All suggestions welcome
ever sent an understamped letter?
cptsideways said:
My fit of down the telephone to a certain useless customer service agent today has resulted in me taking great pleasure in writing a neatly worded FINAL DEMAND for repayments of erronous billing to the MD of certain large telecoms corporation today.
I'd love to be a fly on the wall tomorrow
The MD will almost certainly never see your letter. A minion will open it and pass it on to some other minion in customer services. The fact that it has come through the MD's office might get you a quicker response tho.
For what it's worth I have Virgin broadband at home and the service has been exemplary.
Their trains are shite though.
rude-boy said:
NTL still owe me money - one billing amount extra plus the remainder of a rent deposit I can't get back until they send a letter stating that I don't owe them money.
As the
I'm not bothered about me getting any (though it would be nice), but what I really want to do is cost them as much money as possible for as little effort as possible on my part...
All suggestions welcome
ever sent an understamped letter?
Nope - good idea - hypothetically would a letter with some old slate (could still fit into a postbox) in it and a 2nd class stamp be a good idea?
JonRB said:
If a company keeps taking payments off a credit card when they have been told to stop, you usually dispute the payment with the credit card company who issue a chargeback on the merchant and recover the money.
I'm aware of that but I'd rather like a response from the eegits, or at least stir it up a bit & I want some compensation if not then the MD's balls on a chopping board !
Companies house here I come, are we the customer allowed to collect debts in person, from Mr MD?, Im sure Saturday afternoon at his big mansion in Surrey just as the BBQ's going well would be an ideal time to make an appearance with my Debt Collection heavies Agency
should cause peak embarrassment me thinks. 
just one of mine: no names, no doo-dah...
Dear Sir,
I am writing to you with a Kwestion (or perhaps more of a Kwery) - If you were the customer Kwoted below, would you ever Kross the door of another xxxx-xxx depot again?
In February 1998, I took my car (a Ford Granada - nothing unusual or exotic) to xxxx-xxx to replace two tyres (originally fitted by you) and 2 back bits of exhaust (again, originally fitted by you). Having waited in a Kue for over 2 hours, they finally got round to me. They Kwite Kwikly replaced the exhaust, then raised the car on a chassis lift to replace the tyres. The telescopic bit of the chassis arm pushed a dent through the underseal and into the floor of the car.
When they replaced the (alloy) wheels, I only saw them balance one, then they tightened them up as hard as they could by hand, then put a torK wrench on - it didn't turn the nuts at all, but, because it clicked, it must be OK, eh? Attempts to explain that the wheel nuts were actually already too tight before they saw the Tork wrench, were met with a Kwizzical look, which I found rather disKwieting, so I decided not to Kwarrel. I paid my 322 Kwid and left.
At least, on this occasion, I had been charged the price Kwoted on the telephone. On many occasions, I have turned up to discover that, by some Kwirk, the telephone Kwotation was wrong, and the goods would cost more (never less). Once, I reKwested them to take the tyres back off unless they charged me the Kwoted price. It worked! Mine is not a uneeK experience in this respect.
Anyway, on the way home, I found that the wheel balance was Krap, and that the back bit of exhaust was knocking on the boot floor. I went back to the depot the next day, waited in a Kue for another hour, then they realigned the exhaust and found that one of the two wheels had no balance weights on it at all, while the other was miles out of balance. Again, the wheels were replaced using the "full muscle and big spanner" teKneeK, with a few cliKs to confirm that the torK wrench hadn't siezed. (I am sorry to go on about this, but some years ago, I had a front wheel fly off at about 40mph after all four studs sheared completely, the day after xxxx-xxx had replaced a tyre. It was lucky that I or somebody on the pavement wasn't sKwashed or killed. The xxxx-xxx depot, rather Kwaintly, denied that it could have been them.)
The wheel balance still wasn't right. I wasn't that surprised, because I found out years ago that xxxx-xxx eKwipment cannot balance wheels eKwitably if the tyres are bigger than about 155-13 size. Kwod Erat Demonstrandum. I knew a guy who could balance wider rims more accurately, and I was buying tyres there for a while, but he unfortunately went out of business. I also remember balancing tyres for a VW Passat using a milk bottle and a spirit level, and even this (if you took your time) resulted in a better eKwilibrium than your depots could achieve (It was also Kwikker because you saved time waiting in the Kue).
I also had to adjust the tyre pressures, as one was 22 psi, and the other (same axle) was 32 psi. This is both dangerous and illegal, and entirely irresponsible for a company such as yours.
Incidentally, why does your depot advise that I should use stiK-on weights only, and then, the next time (same depot), that stiK-ons are Krap, and I should use normal weights on the inner edge of the rim only, and then the next time (still the same depot), balance the wheels with weights on both rims? This inconsistency inevitably leads to Kwalms about the Kwality of the advice on offer.
SubseKwently, at the end of June, as the tyres wore, I realised that they reKwired balancing again. I was in a Kwandary. Should I return to xxxx-xxx and possibly have to endure more Kwibbles over the Kwestionable Kwality of the work on offer, or should I call it Kwits and start a Kwest for somewhere else with a Kwota of Kwintessential good practice, more eKwal to the task. I Kwavered, but returned to xxxx-xxx, like a lamb Kwietly to the slaughter.
Another Kue. More of my hard-earned Kwids spent. All four wheels balanced. Not Kwite. The balance is still not right. The steering wheel wobbles between 60 and 70 mph, and steady running at that speed can leave you Kwite Kweasy after not very long at all. So the Kwestion is - how do you turn a perfectly acceptable motor car into a misery-box? Answer - you make it vibrate like an earthKwake by making a Kack of the wheel balance.
For example, to Kwote a scene from the comedy play that was my last visit:
The Scene - A grubby xxxx-xxx tyre bay with a wet and dangerously slippery floor. xxxx-xxx Fitter 1 is attempting to balance an expensive and delicate alloy wheel, while xxxx-xxx Fitter 2 is putting the previous effort back on the car.
xxF 1: Where's the 5 gram weights?
xxF2: (straining every muscle and sinew to tighten a wheel nut with a spider brace) They're in a cardboard box at the back.
xxF1: Right-O (disappears behind rack of tyres)
(Effects : Rummage, Rummage, Shuffle, Shuffle, SKwirrel, SKwirrel)
xxF1: (Offstage) I canny find them.
xxF2: (still straining to tighten the next wheel nut) What size are you looking for?
xxF1: (Returning from backstage) 5 Grams.
xxF2: Batter a 10 onto it. (these were the exact words)
xxF1: Right-O
And so a 10 gram was duly fitted, so that the wheel, instead of being 5 grams under, was now 5 grams over.
Having replaced all the wheels, and tightened them, xxF1 went round with the torK wrench and checked the tightness, by clicking it not once, not twice, but three times Kwikly on each nut, each time tightening it a wee bit more. He didn't tighten them in seKwence, nor did he tighten them all, because the security bolts need a different size of socket, and he didn't have it (at least I know that nobody from xxx-xxx will ever pinch my wheels).
The car still vibrated between 60 and 70 mph. My Haynes manual tells me that wheel balance is important, because, vibration in the wheels will lead to rapid wear in other steering and suspension components.
I had to take the wheels off yesterday to change my brake pads. I could not move the wheel nuts without a two-foot socket bar and a bit of pipe on the end. You would need the physeeK of a Gladiator to get the wheels off. I ended up hunched over like Kwasimodo for the rest of the day, with the sheer effort. How I would have changed a puncture at the side of the road is beyond me.
I also discovered that my steering raK (which I only replaced less than two years ago) is naKered, no doubt as a result of imbalanced wheels for all that time. I am sure that any Kwery that I Kwalify for a Kwid pro Kwo, in the form of a free new steering raK, would be Kwikly Kwashed by xxx-xxx.
In addition, big chunks of laKKer are chipping off the rim because of the eKwipment and TeKneeK used to sKweeze the tyres on and off the rims.
And now I need another two tyres (on the back, this time), because the back aKwaplanes on even minute Kwantities of liKwid. Am I going to Kwadruple my misery, sKwander more Kwids, aKwiesce to the Kwagmire of another masKwerade and return to xxx-xxx again for the seeKwel?
Not a chance, sKwire.
I Kwit. UneKwivocally.
Yours less than obseKwiously,
xxxxxxxxxxxxx, EsKwire
P.S. I am thinking about buying my tyres from the wee place in xxxxxxxx where the owner admits he can't dance, but can fix cars. I can't find it because you made him take his sign down. Do you have his number handy?
P.P.S. I have shown this letter to one or two people of my aKwaintance, and every one of them has, well, laugh? - They laughed and laughed. Each person can Kwote a similar eKsperience with xxxx-xxx. I am therefore tempted to share my wee joke with a wider audience. As a company who has apparently survived for years as a triumph of marketing over competence, you could perhaps advise on the best media for me to eKsploit. I thought that maybe Watchdog or one of those other TV consumer programmes, or one of the Sunday papers (which were, as I recall, fundamental to your earliest success) would do the triK. What do you think?
Dear Sir,
I am writing to you with a Kwestion (or perhaps more of a Kwery) - If you were the customer Kwoted below, would you ever Kross the door of another xxxx-xxx depot again?
In February 1998, I took my car (a Ford Granada - nothing unusual or exotic) to xxxx-xxx to replace two tyres (originally fitted by you) and 2 back bits of exhaust (again, originally fitted by you). Having waited in a Kue for over 2 hours, they finally got round to me. They Kwite Kwikly replaced the exhaust, then raised the car on a chassis lift to replace the tyres. The telescopic bit of the chassis arm pushed a dent through the underseal and into the floor of the car.
When they replaced the (alloy) wheels, I only saw them balance one, then they tightened them up as hard as they could by hand, then put a torK wrench on - it didn't turn the nuts at all, but, because it clicked, it must be OK, eh? Attempts to explain that the wheel nuts were actually already too tight before they saw the Tork wrench, were met with a Kwizzical look, which I found rather disKwieting, so I decided not to Kwarrel. I paid my 322 Kwid and left.
At least, on this occasion, I had been charged the price Kwoted on the telephone. On many occasions, I have turned up to discover that, by some Kwirk, the telephone Kwotation was wrong, and the goods would cost more (never less). Once, I reKwested them to take the tyres back off unless they charged me the Kwoted price. It worked! Mine is not a uneeK experience in this respect.
Anyway, on the way home, I found that the wheel balance was Krap, and that the back bit of exhaust was knocking on the boot floor. I went back to the depot the next day, waited in a Kue for another hour, then they realigned the exhaust and found that one of the two wheels had no balance weights on it at all, while the other was miles out of balance. Again, the wheels were replaced using the "full muscle and big spanner" teKneeK, with a few cliKs to confirm that the torK wrench hadn't siezed. (I am sorry to go on about this, but some years ago, I had a front wheel fly off at about 40mph after all four studs sheared completely, the day after xxxx-xxx had replaced a tyre. It was lucky that I or somebody on the pavement wasn't sKwashed or killed. The xxxx-xxx depot, rather Kwaintly, denied that it could have been them.)
The wheel balance still wasn't right. I wasn't that surprised, because I found out years ago that xxxx-xxx eKwipment cannot balance wheels eKwitably if the tyres are bigger than about 155-13 size. Kwod Erat Demonstrandum. I knew a guy who could balance wider rims more accurately, and I was buying tyres there for a while, but he unfortunately went out of business. I also remember balancing tyres for a VW Passat using a milk bottle and a spirit level, and even this (if you took your time) resulted in a better eKwilibrium than your depots could achieve (It was also Kwikker because you saved time waiting in the Kue).
I also had to adjust the tyre pressures, as one was 22 psi, and the other (same axle) was 32 psi. This is both dangerous and illegal, and entirely irresponsible for a company such as yours.
Incidentally, why does your depot advise that I should use stiK-on weights only, and then, the next time (same depot), that stiK-ons are Krap, and I should use normal weights on the inner edge of the rim only, and then the next time (still the same depot), balance the wheels with weights on both rims? This inconsistency inevitably leads to Kwalms about the Kwality of the advice on offer.
SubseKwently, at the end of June, as the tyres wore, I realised that they reKwired balancing again. I was in a Kwandary. Should I return to xxxx-xxx and possibly have to endure more Kwibbles over the Kwestionable Kwality of the work on offer, or should I call it Kwits and start a Kwest for somewhere else with a Kwota of Kwintessential good practice, more eKwal to the task. I Kwavered, but returned to xxxx-xxx, like a lamb Kwietly to the slaughter.
Another Kue. More of my hard-earned Kwids spent. All four wheels balanced. Not Kwite. The balance is still not right. The steering wheel wobbles between 60 and 70 mph, and steady running at that speed can leave you Kwite Kweasy after not very long at all. So the Kwestion is - how do you turn a perfectly acceptable motor car into a misery-box? Answer - you make it vibrate like an earthKwake by making a Kack of the wheel balance.
For example, to Kwote a scene from the comedy play that was my last visit:
The Scene - A grubby xxxx-xxx tyre bay with a wet and dangerously slippery floor. xxxx-xxx Fitter 1 is attempting to balance an expensive and delicate alloy wheel, while xxxx-xxx Fitter 2 is putting the previous effort back on the car.
xxF 1: Where's the 5 gram weights?
xxF2: (straining every muscle and sinew to tighten a wheel nut with a spider brace) They're in a cardboard box at the back.
xxF1: Right-O (disappears behind rack of tyres)
(Effects : Rummage, Rummage, Shuffle, Shuffle, SKwirrel, SKwirrel)
xxF1: (Offstage) I canny find them.
xxF2: (still straining to tighten the next wheel nut) What size are you looking for?
xxF1: (Returning from backstage) 5 Grams.
xxF2: Batter a 10 onto it. (these were the exact words)
xxF1: Right-O
And so a 10 gram was duly fitted, so that the wheel, instead of being 5 grams under, was now 5 grams over.
Having replaced all the wheels, and tightened them, xxF1 went round with the torK wrench and checked the tightness, by clicking it not once, not twice, but three times Kwikly on each nut, each time tightening it a wee bit more. He didn't tighten them in seKwence, nor did he tighten them all, because the security bolts need a different size of socket, and he didn't have it (at least I know that nobody from xxx-xxx will ever pinch my wheels).
The car still vibrated between 60 and 70 mph. My Haynes manual tells me that wheel balance is important, because, vibration in the wheels will lead to rapid wear in other steering and suspension components.
I had to take the wheels off yesterday to change my brake pads. I could not move the wheel nuts without a two-foot socket bar and a bit of pipe on the end. You would need the physeeK of a Gladiator to get the wheels off. I ended up hunched over like Kwasimodo for the rest of the day, with the sheer effort. How I would have changed a puncture at the side of the road is beyond me.
I also discovered that my steering raK (which I only replaced less than two years ago) is naKered, no doubt as a result of imbalanced wheels for all that time. I am sure that any Kwery that I Kwalify for a Kwid pro Kwo, in the form of a free new steering raK, would be Kwikly Kwashed by xxx-xxx.
In addition, big chunks of laKKer are chipping off the rim because of the eKwipment and TeKneeK used to sKweeze the tyres on and off the rims.
And now I need another two tyres (on the back, this time), because the back aKwaplanes on even minute Kwantities of liKwid. Am I going to Kwadruple my misery, sKwander more Kwids, aKwiesce to the Kwagmire of another masKwerade and return to xxx-xxx again for the seeKwel?
Not a chance, sKwire.
I Kwit. UneKwivocally.
Yours less than obseKwiously,
xxxxxxxxxxxxx, EsKwire
P.S. I am thinking about buying my tyres from the wee place in xxxxxxxx where the owner admits he can't dance, but can fix cars. I can't find it because you made him take his sign down. Do you have his number handy?
P.P.S. I have shown this letter to one or two people of my aKwaintance, and every one of them has, well, laugh? - They laughed and laughed. Each person can Kwote a similar eKsperience with xxxx-xxx. I am therefore tempted to share my wee joke with a wider audience. As a company who has apparently survived for years as a triumph of marketing over competence, you could perhaps advise on the best media for me to eKsploit. I thought that maybe Watchdog or one of those other TV consumer programmes, or one of the Sunday papers (which were, as I recall, fundamental to your earliest success) would do the triK. What do you think?
Hah. I went there - a 20-mile round trip - when they had a free puncture repair offer.
'Can you fix this slow puncture in my tyre?'
'Nah mate, that's not a puncture, it's a tear. But we've got new tyres in stock, £130.'
'No thanks'.
So I went to my local tyre place 1 mile away and got the puncture fixed for £6. Needless to say I'll never go back to Place One again.
'Can you fix this slow puncture in my tyre?'
'Nah mate, that's not a puncture, it's a tear. But we've got new tyres in stock, £130.'
'No thanks'.
So I went to my local tyre place 1 mile away and got the puncture fixed for £6. Needless to say I'll never go back to Place One again.
TBH if you get no joy on the phone you are best off calling head office. If you have all the bills, receipts and correspondance then you are best off going to small claims.
Do not forget that you can also sue them for your wasted time, expenses to see them if relevent, et cetera.
With calls taking 30 minutes to prepare for, 30 minutes to conduct, and 30 minutes to write down afterwards all key details in readiness for whatever happens next, you can rack up very reasonable additional expenses to compensate you.
If you claim and they no-show you win automatically so it is best to put in for everything you can think of.
Also NEVER furnish them with any information beforehand. The object is to win by making them look stupid.
I do think sending the baliffs in would be a very classy act if they don't pay, and it's worth calling as many media outlets as possible beforehand to let them cover it.
Do not forget that you can also sue them for your wasted time, expenses to see them if relevent, et cetera.
With calls taking 30 minutes to prepare for, 30 minutes to conduct, and 30 minutes to write down afterwards all key details in readiness for whatever happens next, you can rack up very reasonable additional expenses to compensate you.
If you claim and they no-show you win automatically so it is best to put in for everything you can think of.
Also NEVER furnish them with any information beforehand. The object is to win by making them look stupid.
I do think sending the baliffs in would be a very classy act if they don't pay, and it's worth calling as many media outlets as possible beforehand to let them cover it.
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