Bully neighbour forcing us to decide to move house
Discussion
This is a hard one to explain concisely. Without going into the ins and outs, my wife and I and two children are being very subtly bullied by a neighbour.
I am beginning to understand how and why bullying is a difficult problem to solve - because the bully does not share the same morals as us and genuinely either believes they are right in what they are doing or can somehow justify their actions because of an opinion they have of us. Or they simply do not care.
I feel a real sense of failure and futility. They cannot be mediated with.
It is beginning to have a psychological affect on us as a family and the deep sense of sadness that I feel when I think about my children being subjected to this at their age is causing me real pain.
The only slight shaft of light - in terms of proof or finding a way to have them stopped - is there is a growing list of people that they have subjected to similar behaviour. And I believe they still taunt.
I believe, but I cannot be sure, the police have been called due to their behaviour before. But there’s a difference between hear-say and the odd fracas that they have been involved in when the police have been called.
How to put this across without it sounding crass: we live in a nice neighbourhood, this type of incident is not common.
We have had them act aggressively towards us, often very subtly, in the past - you’d perhaps refer to it as passive-aggressive. In the past we have played along and been the ones to mediate and ensure they felt the victor so to speak - we essentially took their side.
This recent incident we told them some truths. We were caught off guard as they confronted us. Whilst we did keep calm, we did unfortunately let our true feelings known. I was technically assaulted (fronted up to (toe to toe) and pushed a few times). Hearing these truths opened Pandora’s box and since then the ostracism began. It’s subtle but they are very committed and extremely good at broadcasting their version of events.
We have kept quiet and not made any other comments or taken any other steps, other than the following...
- After much deliberation and owing to the growing subtle moves towards making us feel uncomfortable, I reported the assault and their overall aggression to 101 after reading advice on bad neighbours. I wanted a log of it should they approach us again.
- I have kept a log of everything since, emotional and otherwise - but like I said, it’s very subtle and almost impossible to prove. In fact it’s harder than impossible because often the bullying manifests itself down to my children’s (now former) friends in the local area. How can you deal with that!!
The really sad thing is this final situation is all their word against ours. The neighbour has even twisted what really happened and so the actual truth is now lost. There were no (useful) witnesses. My children unfortunately witnessed it.
One final piece of information that makes this very difficult is that the neighbour is involved in our children’s after school club. I have worked very hard to have my children still attend. We’ve had tears from our children, it’s been a challenge to say the least.
I can imagine the neighbour reading this and of course turning it around to have their story mirror my own. As I said, I now understand why bullying is an impossible problem to solve. Every opinion I have I am quite sure they have the exact same to counter our own.
As I mentioned, the only small light here that helps us prove we are not insane is their history of this sort of behaviour. But it’s hear-say. Our history is we have never had cross words with anyone, maybe a disgruntled neighbour about incidents between kids but we always take the stance that we take responsibility and we educate our children.
It’s been a help to type this out and perhaps I’ll delete the post.
Currently we are trying our best to ignore the situation and ensure our children stay out of their way. The main driver behind me writing this post, is that we are considering moving house to get away from the stress. That thought keeps playing the same phrase in my mind “we should not have to”.
I can’t imagine there is much I can do, other than continue to log everything and hope their next victim is one victim too many.
Thanks for reading.
I am beginning to understand how and why bullying is a difficult problem to solve - because the bully does not share the same morals as us and genuinely either believes they are right in what they are doing or can somehow justify their actions because of an opinion they have of us. Or they simply do not care.
I feel a real sense of failure and futility. They cannot be mediated with.
It is beginning to have a psychological affect on us as a family and the deep sense of sadness that I feel when I think about my children being subjected to this at their age is causing me real pain.
The only slight shaft of light - in terms of proof or finding a way to have them stopped - is there is a growing list of people that they have subjected to similar behaviour. And I believe they still taunt.
I believe, but I cannot be sure, the police have been called due to their behaviour before. But there’s a difference between hear-say and the odd fracas that they have been involved in when the police have been called.
How to put this across without it sounding crass: we live in a nice neighbourhood, this type of incident is not common.
We have had them act aggressively towards us, often very subtly, in the past - you’d perhaps refer to it as passive-aggressive. In the past we have played along and been the ones to mediate and ensure they felt the victor so to speak - we essentially took their side.
This recent incident we told them some truths. We were caught off guard as they confronted us. Whilst we did keep calm, we did unfortunately let our true feelings known. I was technically assaulted (fronted up to (toe to toe) and pushed a few times). Hearing these truths opened Pandora’s box and since then the ostracism began. It’s subtle but they are very committed and extremely good at broadcasting their version of events.
We have kept quiet and not made any other comments or taken any other steps, other than the following...
- After much deliberation and owing to the growing subtle moves towards making us feel uncomfortable, I reported the assault and their overall aggression to 101 after reading advice on bad neighbours. I wanted a log of it should they approach us again.
- I have kept a log of everything since, emotional and otherwise - but like I said, it’s very subtle and almost impossible to prove. In fact it’s harder than impossible because often the bullying manifests itself down to my children’s (now former) friends in the local area. How can you deal with that!!
The really sad thing is this final situation is all their word against ours. The neighbour has even twisted what really happened and so the actual truth is now lost. There were no (useful) witnesses. My children unfortunately witnessed it.
One final piece of information that makes this very difficult is that the neighbour is involved in our children’s after school club. I have worked very hard to have my children still attend. We’ve had tears from our children, it’s been a challenge to say the least.
I can imagine the neighbour reading this and of course turning it around to have their story mirror my own. As I said, I now understand why bullying is an impossible problem to solve. Every opinion I have I am quite sure they have the exact same to counter our own.
As I mentioned, the only small light here that helps us prove we are not insane is their history of this sort of behaviour. But it’s hear-say. Our history is we have never had cross words with anyone, maybe a disgruntled neighbour about incidents between kids but we always take the stance that we take responsibility and we educate our children.
It’s been a help to type this out and perhaps I’ll delete the post.
Currently we are trying our best to ignore the situation and ensure our children stay out of their way. The main driver behind me writing this post, is that we are considering moving house to get away from the stress. That thought keeps playing the same phrase in my mind “we should not have to”.
I can’t imagine there is much I can do, other than continue to log everything and hope their next victim is one victim too many.
Thanks for reading.
Edited by crystaltips on Sunday 30th August 20:28
Edited by crystaltips on Sunday 30th August 20:29
Edited by crystaltips on Sunday 30th August 20:30
Just throwing in my two pence, feel free to consider or ignore as necessary.
Whatever the dispute, as clearly (and understandably) you're not going into details, it seems like it's having a negative effect on your kids. I know you said you don't want to move, with a "why should we have to" attitude, but if it means that the neighbour "wins" whatever the issue is, they might lay off your kids a bit as they've got their way. So if you're struggling to justify it, you're not moving for the sake of s
tty neighbours, you're moving to give your kids a new experience in life.
I don't know how old your little'uns are but this might also be a good opportunity to find a property nearer a hobby they've demonstrated an interest in - like horse riding, rowing, etc. Makes life easier if you've got a shorter commute on Saturday mornings to take them to wherever they're going!
Whatever the dispute, as clearly (and understandably) you're not going into details, it seems like it's having a negative effect on your kids. I know you said you don't want to move, with a "why should we have to" attitude, but if it means that the neighbour "wins" whatever the issue is, they might lay off your kids a bit as they've got their way. So if you're struggling to justify it, you're not moving for the sake of s
tty neighbours, you're moving to give your kids a new experience in life.I don't know how old your little'uns are but this might also be a good opportunity to find a property nearer a hobby they've demonstrated an interest in - like horse riding, rowing, etc. Makes life easier if you've got a shorter commute on Saturday mornings to take them to wherever they're going!
That you have written this in the way you have suggests that it is having a significant impact on your and your family.
Think about what a win would look like. I guess this would be not having this chap anywhere near your life. Moving may be the only way to achieve that.
Not right, nor should you have to. But outcomes are sometimes more important that being right but miserable. Only you can know what’s most important.
Think about what a win would look like. I guess this would be not having this chap anywhere near your life. Moving may be the only way to achieve that.
Not right, nor should you have to. But outcomes are sometimes more important that being right but miserable. Only you can know what’s most important.
It’s very difficult for us to form an opinion without some real idea of what is actually going on, but I can understand you not wanting to go into details.
I’ve been in similar situations in the past. We actually moved on one occasion because it was obvious that the reason for the problem was that the neighbour was a boorish thug and, even if our differences were solved, he would remain the same. On the other occasion we had words and ended up good friends.
You have to assess the situation...
Is it a “real” problem? (Sorry, there are many snowflakes around these days!)
Can the problem be resolved somehow?
If the current problem could be resolved, would you feel comfortable living next door to them?
The choices and decisions aren’t usually that difficult if you can step back and analyse the situation and weigh up the potential outcomes.
I’ve been in similar situations in the past. We actually moved on one occasion because it was obvious that the reason for the problem was that the neighbour was a boorish thug and, even if our differences were solved, he would remain the same. On the other occasion we had words and ended up good friends.
You have to assess the situation...
Is it a “real” problem? (Sorry, there are many snowflakes around these days!)
Can the problem be resolved somehow?
If the current problem could be resolved, would you feel comfortable living next door to them?
The choices and decisions aren’t usually that difficult if you can step back and analyse the situation and weigh up the potential outcomes.
Every case is different of course, and having children involved may be tricky.
Many years ago my Mother had a bully neighbour, and Police were called when I was on holiday (I lived in same house). When I returned home I confronted neighbour, who then threatened me. Police came and I told them that if the neighbour made any further threats I'd break her arms and legs - The Cop was a bit startled by this so I said " I'll have to face the consequences of defending us - Maybe you can tell her next door?" Her husband approached me the next week and said "did you mean what you said" To which I said "absolutely" Ok he said. We never spoke again and within 6 months they'd moved.
May or not work for others, but after being bullied at school (and following the ignore them advice etc) I bashed the bully on the nose and never had any problem - Bullies only understand one language unfortunately.
Many years ago my Mother had a bully neighbour, and Police were called when I was on holiday (I lived in same house). When I returned home I confronted neighbour, who then threatened me. Police came and I told them that if the neighbour made any further threats I'd break her arms and legs - The Cop was a bit startled by this so I said " I'll have to face the consequences of defending us - Maybe you can tell her next door?" Her husband approached me the next week and said "did you mean what you said" To which I said "absolutely" Ok he said. We never spoke again and within 6 months they'd moved.
May or not work for others, but after being bullied at school (and following the ignore them advice etc) I bashed the bully on the nose and never had any problem - Bullies only understand one language unfortunately.
CubanPete said:
Moving is a huge upheaval.
A big issue is his involvement with the after school club. Have you raised this with the school? Moving school will be a big disruption to your children too.
An alternative would be to rent your house out, and rent somewhere else even if in the locality.
If the neighbour is involved in an after school club, ask, in a round about way if they have all been DBS checked. The bullying issue will probably not be picked up, but their need to go through a DBS procedure, especially if it is explained to them in a logical way by a third party, may make them re-assess their attitude. A big issue is his involvement with the after school club. Have you raised this with the school? Moving school will be a big disruption to your children too.
An alternative would be to rent your house out, and rent somewhere else even if in the locality.
I hate to say it, but along with a number of others in here, my response would be ‘move house’.
These type of people often cannot be either stopped or reasoned with. They will continue to make life hell and even the authorities will be ineffective.
It’s all well and good some saying you should face up to them or physically/verbally threaten them, but unless you are prepared to to back up your threats, then it’s pointless. Most ordinary people aren’t fighters, and I don’t blame them. It’s a pastime for idiots.
Moving house is indeed an upheaval, but it is probably by far the quickest and least stressful way to end all this.
You have my sympathies.
These type of people often cannot be either stopped or reasoned with. They will continue to make life hell and even the authorities will be ineffective.
It’s all well and good some saying you should face up to them or physically/verbally threaten them, but unless you are prepared to to back up your threats, then it’s pointless. Most ordinary people aren’t fighters, and I don’t blame them. It’s a pastime for idiots.
Moving house is indeed an upheaval, but it is probably by far the quickest and least stressful way to end all this.
You have my sympathies.
Lord Marylebone said:
I hate to say it, but along with a number of others in here, my response would be ‘move house’.
These type of people often cannot be either stopped or reasoned with. They will continue to make life hell and even the authorities will be ineffective.
It’s all well and good some saying you should face up to them or physically/verbally threaten them, but unless you are prepared to to back up your threats, then it’s pointless. Most ordinary people aren’t fighters, and I don’t blame them. It’s a pastime for idiots.
Moving house is indeed an upheaval, but it is probably by far the quickest and least stressful way to end all this.
You have my sympathies.
Which is exactly why we are in the process of prepping our place for sale ......These type of people often cannot be either stopped or reasoned with. They will continue to make life hell and even the authorities will be ineffective.
It’s all well and good some saying you should face up to them or physically/verbally threaten them, but unless you are prepared to to back up your threats, then it’s pointless. Most ordinary people aren’t fighters, and I don’t blame them. It’s a pastime for idiots.
Moving house is indeed an upheaval, but it is probably by far the quickest and least stressful way to end all this.
You have my sympathies.
Some people you just dont need in your life.......
You cannot reason with Stupid.
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