Help with a funeral
Discussion
Long story short; my wife was admitted to hospital on Xmas Eve night and lost her amazingly brave fight with cancer on Jan 6th.
We had separated 3 years ago but had never got divorced and remained very close. In fact we had a better relationship than the last couple of years of being properly together. I lived a minute away from her and saw her and our 8 year old daughter every day. We thought this day was years away.
She's currently in a chapel of rest.
It's now fallen to myself and my wife's sister and wife's sister's husband to organise the funeral. I saw the director yesterday and suggested a date of the 28th Jan for the cremation and talked about a few other little details; music, where the cortege would start etc.
The sister and BIL (though mainly him; he's a bit of a dominant character) have said they want to get my wife's mother vaccinated before the funeral. In my mind this is going to potentially add weeks of limbo. I'm not in a rush but neither do I relish the thought of her laying there waiting. Her dad was buried in September (also to cancer) and masks were fine for everybody then, the mother included.
We aren't even having a wake this time so that's minimised any risk by a small factor.
My daughters birthday is in the middle of Feb; I've told them Christmas was bad enough, I do not want another upsetting event to overshadow the only other significant date in my daughters life.
I'm waiting for their response.
I turn to the PH collective to offer their thoughts. Am I being reasonable? What would you do?
We had separated 3 years ago but had never got divorced and remained very close. In fact we had a better relationship than the last couple of years of being properly together. I lived a minute away from her and saw her and our 8 year old daughter every day. We thought this day was years away.
She's currently in a chapel of rest.
It's now fallen to myself and my wife's sister and wife's sister's husband to organise the funeral. I saw the director yesterday and suggested a date of the 28th Jan for the cremation and talked about a few other little details; music, where the cortege would start etc.
The sister and BIL (though mainly him; he's a bit of a dominant character) have said they want to get my wife's mother vaccinated before the funeral. In my mind this is going to potentially add weeks of limbo. I'm not in a rush but neither do I relish the thought of her laying there waiting. Her dad was buried in September (also to cancer) and masks were fine for everybody then, the mother included.
We aren't even having a wake this time so that's minimised any risk by a small factor.
My daughters birthday is in the middle of Feb; I've told them Christmas was bad enough, I do not want another upsetting event to overshadow the only other significant date in my daughters life.
I'm waiting for their response.
I turn to the PH collective to offer their thoughts. Am I being reasonable? What would you do?
Edited by anonymous-user on Tuesday 12th January 18:39
There's no right answer, you're both being reasonable I think, I could agree with both of you. Not much help other than to say don't entrench yourself too much in your position. Nobody is being unreasonable so that would only lead to an arguement where everyone feels aggrieved, especially when everyone is upset already.
Sounds like you've had a rough time of it OP, I wish you all the best, good luck helping your daughter with her grief.
Took me two readings to understand you meant your wife's sister and her husband, rather than your wife's new husband (which wouldn't make any sense as you never got divorced). This being PH I'm sure someone will start an arguement with you about that, even in a thread like this.
Sounds like you've had a rough time of it OP, I wish you all the best, good luck helping your daughter with her grief.
Took me two readings to understand you meant your wife's sister and her husband, rather than your wife's new husband (which wouldn't make any sense as you never got divorced). This being PH I'm sure someone will start an arguement with you about that, even in a thread like this.
Firstly, sorry for you and your daughters loss.
Secondly, what does the mother say? Is it her driving this or her daughter and the daughters husb?
I’d be inclined to agree that the sooner it is handled and resolved the better for all. I can’t imagine how an 8yr old will be beginning to cope with such an event combined with the current pandemic, home schooling, clearly rubbish Christmas and general life s
t.
Secondly, what does the mother say? Is it her driving this or her daughter and the daughters husb?
I’d be inclined to agree that the sooner it is handled and resolved the better for all. I can’t imagine how an 8yr old will be beginning to cope with such an event combined with the current pandemic, home schooling, clearly rubbish Christmas and general life s
t. The mum does what she is told by the sister and BIL. She has very early onset of dementia but still lives on her own and fends for herself. Her health otherwise is fine.
We all attended the dad's funeral in Sept and masks were fine then. I don't see why vaccinating her mum is more of a priority now. No other guests will be expected to vaccinate before attending, including my similarly aged mum.
We all attended the dad's funeral in Sept and masks were fine then. I don't see why vaccinating her mum is more of a priority now. No other guests will be expected to vaccinate before attending, including my similarly aged mum.
My sympathies, this is a very diffilcult time for you, may I suggest that you remove yourself from any additional anxieties.
My only experience is the death of my parents and I really wished that I had been able to call on the help of a friend to do some jobs, the worse was having to collect my fathers clothes from the hospital, they refused to throw them away, carrying them out of the hospital was terrible.
Call on anyone you can for help.
My only experience is the death of my parents and I really wished that I had been able to call on the help of a friend to do some jobs, the worse was having to collect my fathers clothes from the hospital, they refused to throw them away, carrying them out of the hospital was terrible.
Call on anyone you can for help.
First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss.
I would suggest that when you have family meetings to discuss these things, include your daughter - what does she think?
Whilst she may only be 8 years old, it will give her a good opportunity to help say goodbye to her mother by assisting in the arrangement of her funeral, even if its only something small like helping with the flower colour/type or something, and (I've found) kids are generally quite pragmatic about things when presented with the facts in a way they can understand. Growing up most people are conditioned to be afraid of death, rather than focusing on enjoying life - as others have said, you now need to make sure you and your daughter come first and enjoy whatever you can!
She may be willing to "postpone" her birthday in order for everyone to get together to say goodbye to her mum, if this is the way she wants to go,let her choose a date and stick to it, mark it in the calendar, have a countdown etc.
I would suggest that when you have family meetings to discuss these things, include your daughter - what does she think?
Whilst she may only be 8 years old, it will give her a good opportunity to help say goodbye to her mother by assisting in the arrangement of her funeral, even if its only something small like helping with the flower colour/type or something, and (I've found) kids are generally quite pragmatic about things when presented with the facts in a way they can understand. Growing up most people are conditioned to be afraid of death, rather than focusing on enjoying life - as others have said, you now need to make sure you and your daughter come first and enjoy whatever you can!
She may be willing to "postpone" her birthday in order for everyone to get together to say goodbye to her mum, if this is the way she wants to go,let her choose a date and stick to it, mark it in the calendar, have a countdown etc.
Edited by Ambleton on Tuesday 12th January 18:58
Terrible time for all of you. 
How old is the mum? Depending on that will depend on how soon she's likely to get the vaccine. There's also the potential issue with the SHTF currently re Covid that there may not be much choice in the matter. This will obviously depend on where you are in the country.
How old is the mum? Depending on that will depend on how soon she's likely to get the vaccine. There's also the potential issue with the SHTF currently re Covid that there may not be much choice in the matter. This will obviously depend on where you are in the country.
I'll go against the grain here somewhat
Firstly I think you are being reasonable in wanting it done ASAP for reason given
But to my mind sister gets 'priority'. You are not the husband and you split up for whatever reason which is irrelevant but that also means you are no longer family.
But I would probably also give priority to what your daughter wants. What does she want?
Firstly I think you are being reasonable in wanting it done ASAP for reason given
But to my mind sister gets 'priority'. You are not the husband and you split up for whatever reason which is irrelevant but that also means you are no longer family.
But I would probably also give priority to what your daughter wants. What does she want?
Mojooo said:
But to my mind sister gets 'priority'. You are not the husband and you split up for whatever reason which is irrelevant but that also means you are no longer family.
I sort of share your point of view, however we were still married, were close and hadn't even started looking at divorce. We literally physically separated but we were still significant in each others lives. As mentioned, I did the school run twice a day while my wife worked and carried on doing it when she was isolating. We were better together through living apart.Legally, I am her next of kin am I not? I don't want to upset the sister or mother but neither do I want a) my wife in a chapel of rest for months and b) her funeral to fall close to my daughters birthday. I'm not even going to ask her (my daughter) how she'd feel about that; it's not happening.
Put your daughter first as she must be devastated at losing her mum. The funeral is just one day and doesn't matter that much, her mum should be there but funerals at the moment are all socially distanced anyway so she should be safe even if she has not had the vaccine. Sorry for your loss.
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