Homophobic remark in workplace
Discussion
Hi All, just wanted to know where I stand with this really.
For background I work in a skilled manual job for a large company. I'm currently working towards promotion by taking responsibility for several projects at once. I had already sensed that this was causing some hostility towards me from other staff who are generally younger than me. I'm 31.
I am 'out' in the workplace and have been for years. There are comments to my face but these are always in the jest and taken that way. I can handle 'banter' no trouble whatsoever.
During a period just over a week ago where I was not a work as I had to isolate, I was made aware by a colleague that another member of staff made a derogatory/homophobic comment about me specifically and that the type of project work that I am responsible for is easy. Said staff member is in his mid 20's, and the aforementioned comment was witnessed by a couple of other staff members, but I have yet to confirm this with them.
I would like to think I can take things for what they are, but this has left me feeling disappointed and a little upset. I'm working my balls off at the moment almost to the detriment of my health and I don't really need this as well. If people don't like me then fair enough, I cant force them, and as said if things are said to my face in jest then I'm cool with that. However this being said behind my back is in my mind a personal insult.
I would like to know where I stand if I was to pursue this matter. I could try and confirm what was said with the other staff but I think they are more likely to brush it off as nothing or fail to make any recollection of it. I've no reason to think the colleague who told me could by lying. I imagine I'm probably going to have to let it slide.
Thanks in Advance
For background I work in a skilled manual job for a large company. I'm currently working towards promotion by taking responsibility for several projects at once. I had already sensed that this was causing some hostility towards me from other staff who are generally younger than me. I'm 31.
I am 'out' in the workplace and have been for years. There are comments to my face but these are always in the jest and taken that way. I can handle 'banter' no trouble whatsoever.
During a period just over a week ago where I was not a work as I had to isolate, I was made aware by a colleague that another member of staff made a derogatory/homophobic comment about me specifically and that the type of project work that I am responsible for is easy. Said staff member is in his mid 20's, and the aforementioned comment was witnessed by a couple of other staff members, but I have yet to confirm this with them.
I would like to think I can take things for what they are, but this has left me feeling disappointed and a little upset. I'm working my balls off at the moment almost to the detriment of my health and I don't really need this as well. If people don't like me then fair enough, I cant force them, and as said if things are said to my face in jest then I'm cool with that. However this being said behind my back is in my mind a personal insult.
I would like to know where I stand if I was to pursue this matter. I could try and confirm what was said with the other staff but I think they are more likely to brush it off as nothing or fail to make any recollection of it. I've no reason to think the colleague who told me could by lying. I imagine I'm probably going to have to let it slide.
Thanks in Advance
Edited by WelshPetrolhead on Saturday 30th January 19:09
You have 3 options that I see;
1) Raise it up to management to investigate.
2) Have a chat with the person who said it, try to verify the truth & then educate them (if they are the sort of person who could understand).
3) Leave it.
I don't think speaking to other colleagues for you to verify with them is a real option.
If you go with 1 it could have negative implications on your overall relationships depending on how well liked the other guy is, however it would put down a marker which would stamp the issue out.
1) Raise it up to management to investigate.
2) Have a chat with the person who said it, try to verify the truth & then educate them (if they are the sort of person who could understand).
3) Leave it.
I don't think speaking to other colleagues for you to verify with them is a real option.
If you go with 1 it could have negative implications on your overall relationships depending on how well liked the other guy is, however it would put down a marker which would stamp the issue out.
Thanks chaps. I'm honestly not someone that gets offended easily, I was just a little taken back by it I guess.
I know people will say what they like and it is what it is. I wasn't planning on going nuclear involving HR, more wondering if it was worth logging with my direct manager, but probably not.
Thanks
I know people will say what they like and it is what it is. I wasn't planning on going nuclear involving HR, more wondering if it was worth logging with my direct manager, but probably not.
Thanks
I disagree with the above. As an employer I wouldn’t tolerate it in my workplace and as an employee there’s no way you should have to ‘let it go’.
In terms of dealing with it, I’d email the person concerned stating you’re aware that comments have been made, you’re upset by them and that they’re unacceptable in the workplace. Any further comments if a discriminatory nature and both those and this will be reported to management. The response would determine what you do next.
During your next supervision I’d advise that you have dealt with an issue with ‘X’ colleague and that at this time you’re satisfied/not with the outcome but will report any further instances if they occur.
That being said, it depends how you compose yourself in work. I’ve worked with chaps in settled relationships who are openly gay but keep themselves to themselves and then others intent on trying to shock with tales of mass orgies at the weekend. If you’re the latter you’re asking for trouble - I’m not at work to hear about anyone’s sex life!
In terms of dealing with it, I’d email the person concerned stating you’re aware that comments have been made, you’re upset by them and that they’re unacceptable in the workplace. Any further comments if a discriminatory nature and both those and this will be reported to management. The response would determine what you do next.
During your next supervision I’d advise that you have dealt with an issue with ‘X’ colleague and that at this time you’re satisfied/not with the outcome but will report any further instances if they occur.
That being said, it depends how you compose yourself in work. I’ve worked with chaps in settled relationships who are openly gay but keep themselves to themselves and then others intent on trying to shock with tales of mass orgies at the weekend. If you’re the latter you’re asking for trouble - I’m not at work to hear about anyone’s sex life!
Edited by bristolbaron on Sunday 31st January 01:06
bristolbaron said:
That being said, it depends what sort of ‘gay’ you are.. I’ve worked with chaps in settled relationships who are openly gay but keep themselves to themselves and then others intent on trying to shock with tales of mass orgies at the weekend. If you’re the latter you’re asking for trouble - I’m not at work to hear about anyone’s sex life!
I'm not in a relationship, but I can assure you that I'm not the latter!!iwantagta said:
You have 3 options that I see;
1) Raise it up to management to investigate.
2) Have a chat with the person who said it, try to verify the truth & then educate them (if they are the sort of person who could understand).
3) Leave it.
I don't think speaking to other colleagues for you to verify with them is a real option.
If you go with 1 it could have negative implications on your overall relationships depending on how well liked the other guy is, however it would put down a marker which would stamp the issue out.
I would go with option 2 I think, if I was in your position.1) Raise it up to management to investigate.
2) Have a chat with the person who said it, try to verify the truth & then educate them (if they are the sort of person who could understand).
3) Leave it.
I don't think speaking to other colleagues for you to verify with them is a real option.
If you go with 1 it could have negative implications on your overall relationships depending on how well liked the other guy is, however it would put down a marker which would stamp the issue out.
Perhaps I give people the benefit of the doubt too much, but I would start with the mindset this relatively young person may have been trying to make a joke (at your expense) to get ahead, make friends, I don't know what. Maybe they aren't aware how much offense things like this could cause.
Certainly when I look back at things or jokes I may have said when I was younger I am ashamed. I meant no harm then but didn't know what impact what I said could have.
Hopefully a discussion will resolve things and educate them. If they're not open to education they'll do it again and perhaps that is when you take things further.
Just my thoughts on it, good luck, and don't let one person get you down if you can help it.
WelshPetrolhead said:
Hi All, just wanted to know where I stand with this really.
For background I work in a skilled manual job for a large company. I'm currently working towards promotion by taking responsibility for several projects at once. I had already sensed that this was causing some hostility towards me from other staff who are generally younger than me. I'm 31.
I am 'out' in the workplace and have been for years. There are comments to my face but these are always in the jest and taken that way. I can handle 'banter' no trouble whatsoever.
During a period just over a week ago where I was not a work as I had to isolate, I was made aware by a colleague that another member of staff made a derogatory/homophobic comment about me specifically and that the type of project work that I am responsible for is easy. Said staff member is in his mid 20's, and the aforementioned comment was witnessed by a couple of other staff members, but I have yet to confirm this with them.
I would like to think I can take things for what they are, but this has left me feeling disappointed and a little upset. I'm working my balls off at the moment almost to the detriment of my health and I don't really need this as well. If people don't like me then fair enough, I cant force them, and as said if things are said to my face in jest then I'm cool with that. However this being said behind my back is in my mind a personal insult.
I would like to know where I stand if I was to pursue this matter. I could try and confirm what was said with the other staff but I think they are more likely to brush it off as nothing or fail to make any recollection of it. I've no reason to think the colleague who told me could by lying. I imagine I'm probably going to have to let it slide.
Thanks in Advance
It's words - unless it was calling you a "F*G" or similar and you heard it first hand, just leave itFor background I work in a skilled manual job for a large company. I'm currently working towards promotion by taking responsibility for several projects at once. I had already sensed that this was causing some hostility towards me from other staff who are generally younger than me. I'm 31.
I am 'out' in the workplace and have been for years. There are comments to my face but these are always in the jest and taken that way. I can handle 'banter' no trouble whatsoever.
During a period just over a week ago where I was not a work as I had to isolate, I was made aware by a colleague that another member of staff made a derogatory/homophobic comment about me specifically and that the type of project work that I am responsible for is easy. Said staff member is in his mid 20's, and the aforementioned comment was witnessed by a couple of other staff members, but I have yet to confirm this with them.
I would like to think I can take things for what they are, but this has left me feeling disappointed and a little upset. I'm working my balls off at the moment almost to the detriment of my health and I don't really need this as well. If people don't like me then fair enough, I cant force them, and as said if things are said to my face in jest then I'm cool with that. However this being said behind my back is in my mind a personal insult.
I would like to know where I stand if I was to pursue this matter. I could try and confirm what was said with the other staff but I think they are more likely to brush it off as nothing or fail to make any recollection of it. I've no reason to think the colleague who told me could by lying. I imagine I'm probably going to have to let it slide.
Thanks in Advance
Edited by WelshPetrolhead on Saturday 30th January 19:09
Hey mate, sorry to hear that this has got you down.
My view is that if you're usually thick skinned but this has knocked you, then perhaps you are overworking yourself. We tend to not be ourselves when we're over-exerted.
If this is how you might deal with the pressure of your role, then is this promotion, in this company, the correct decision for your well being?
My view is that if you're usually thick skinned but this has knocked you, then perhaps you are overworking yourself. We tend to not be ourselves when we're over-exerted.
If this is how you might deal with the pressure of your role, then is this promotion, in this company, the correct decision for your well being?
It's a difficult one, as it's just someone else telling you this, so you have to allow for the possibility of it being them trying to stir things.
My opinion is note it down somewhere just in case, but I wouldn't react based on a secondhand account.
This certainly doesn't mean you should take any s
t from people.
I think if they have an actual problem with you rather than this being an attempt at a joke that didn't land well, an unambiguous example of such behaviour will soon present itself for you to react directly to.
My opinion is note it down somewhere just in case, but I wouldn't react based on a secondhand account.
This certainly doesn't mean you should take any s
t from people.I think if they have an actual problem with you rather than this being an attempt at a joke that didn't land well, an unambiguous example of such behaviour will soon present itself for you to react directly to.
I don’t agree with the man up and let it go comments. If he wouldn’t say it to your face then he definitely shouldn’t say it behind your back.
I don’t see making homophobic remarks behind someone’s back as banter.
Personally I’d confront him about it and ask if he would like to repeat what he said to you in person. I think this would be enough to show him you won’t tolerate that behaviour and its not on.
If he carries on then I’d make a formal complaint. You don’t go into work to get abused or homophobic remarks made against you. It looks like this lad needs to be taught this.
I don’t see making homophobic remarks behind someone’s back as banter.
Personally I’d confront him about it and ask if he would like to repeat what he said to you in person. I think this would be enough to show him you won’t tolerate that behaviour and its not on.
If he carries on then I’d make a formal complaint. You don’t go into work to get abused or homophobic remarks made against you. It looks like this lad needs to be taught this.
sam.rog said:
I don’t agree with the man up and let it go comments. If he wouldn’t say it to your face then he definitely shouldn’t say it behind your back.
I don’t see making homophobic remarks behind someone’s back as banter.
Personally I’d confront him about it and ask if he would like to repeat what he said to you in person. I think this would be enough to show him you won’t tolerate that behaviour and its not on.
If he carries on then I’d make a formal complaint. You don’t go into work to get abused or homophobic remarks made against you. It looks like this lad needs to be taught this.
Meanwhile back in the real world......I don’t see making homophobic remarks behind someone’s back as banter.
Personally I’d confront him about it and ask if he would like to repeat what he said to you in person. I think this would be enough to show him you won’t tolerate that behaviour and its not on.
If he carries on then I’d make a formal complaint. You don’t go into work to get abused or homophobic remarks made against you. It looks like this lad needs to be taught this.
WelshPetrolhead said:
There are comments to my face but these are always in the jest and taken that way. I can handle 'banter' no trouble whatsoever....However this being said behind my back is in my mind a personal insult.
Tricky situation. The problem with letting some things slide, and even participating, is that the line between acceptable and unacceptable becomes blurred and arbitrary. Some things are best nipped in the bud and kept off limits.Raising it formally risks alienating your colleagues. Leaving it risks making that the new boundary of acceptability. Personally, I would consider talking to the individual and asking about the comment made and if necessary making clear that it's not acceptable. For any future 'banter', start making clear that's it's not funny and do not participate.
sam.rog said:
I don’t agree with the man up and let it go comments. If he wouldn’t say it to your face then he definitely shouldn’t say it behind your back.
I don’t see making homophobic remarks behind someone’s back as banter.
Personally I’d confront him about it and ask if he would like to repeat what he said to you in person. I think this would be enough to show him you won’t tolerate that behaviour and its not on.
If he carries on then I’d make a formal complaint. You don’t go into work to get abused or homophobic remarks made against you. It looks like this lad needs to be taught this.
This. Don’t listen to the people who have never, and will never, have to deal with discrimination in real life.I don’t see making homophobic remarks behind someone’s back as banter.
Personally I’d confront him about it and ask if he would like to repeat what he said to you in person. I think this would be enough to show him you won’t tolerate that behaviour and its not on.
If he carries on then I’d make a formal complaint. You don’t go into work to get abused or homophobic remarks made against you. It looks like this lad needs to be taught this.
bristolbaron said:
That being said, it depends what sort of ‘gay’ you are.. I’ve worked with chaps in settled relationships who are openly gay but keep themselves to themselves and then others intent on trying to shock with tales of mass orgies at the weekend. If you’re the latter you’re asking for trouble - I’m not at work to hear about anyone’s sex life!
"what sort of gay"??? Ffs, what a load of utter bullst. Sexually explicit talk in the workplace is not acceptable, unless the entire workplace is happy with it. It might be more acceptable on a building site than a bank, but even that's debateable. People talking about their sexual exploits at work is something I've only heard from young straight people, usually men, and often talking about women in a very derogatory fashion. To make out this is some kind of "gay" problem is a distortion of the reality, in my experience.
But back on topic, if the OP was black and had heard that a racist comment had been made about him in his absence, would we all still be saying "just leave it"?
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