Desperate for divorce but wife will not agree
Discussion
Have mainly lurked on these forums for years, but turning to you guys for some thoughts and advice. Apologies for long post.
I have been married for ten years, a few months after getting married my wife fell pregnant. To be honest shortly after getting married I realised it was a mistake (pressure was put on me by my wife to marry, I was in two minds at the time). Around that time my wife fell pregnant – I was 30 at the time and kids were the last thing on my mind, I had never wanted kids and didn't want them at that stage, but my wife didn't want to abort so had no choice in the matter
I tried to be a good father, though the relationship with my wife was generally bad (I wanted to leave the marriage and felt trapped in it and that thought was always in my mind, and I think my wife knew this). Sex was very infrequent and we were emotionally detached, and 3 years later had another child which was again unexpected / unplanned.
I took some individual counselling for around six months around what to do in this situation – I desperately wanted to get divorced and take the chance to find someone else while I was relatively young, but the guilt of upsetting the kids always held me back. Discussed this with the counsellor other many months. (My wife wouldn't come to couples counselling as she wanted a counsellor in her native language which wasn't available so I just went for one to one counselling myself) .
Started an open conversation with my wife about our relationship to the tune of can we reconcile or should we divorce (she previously asked about getting divorced several times in the past but I always shut down the conversation as I said we should stay together for the children – to be honest I didn't want to upset the children, didn't want to dreg up all the pain and drama involved in divorce and didnt want to devastate my parents who are very close to my kids so always shut her down – but I desperately dreamed of being divorced and starting my new life).
The outcome of several months of conversation was my wife thought we should get divorced and no way for us to reconcile (which I agreed on, but still hesitated to do it because of not wanting to hurt kids and all the pain and rigmarole involved .
Anyway at the time was in process of moving countries which we did, 1.5 years later finally decided enough was enough and said lets really do it.
However she had since changed her mind and no longer agreed to getting divorced – not because our relationship improved, I think she just realises that her life would be easier with me as she is a housewife and hasn't worked for ten years and being a single mother is tough, so she wont accept a divorce (and I cant force her where we live now, and moving back to England its still hard / long winded to force a divorce if she doesn't agree).
I want to meet someone and move on emotionally and financially , but still being married puts a massive damper on ability to date, and she refuses to accept divorce.
Am in a real dilemma, don;t really know what to do. The only thing I can think to force her is to cut off the money – but technically she could get child and spousal support enforced through courts, and I would still be powerless to divorce. So my only option is to cut off and if the courts get involved literally I would have to disappear / walk out.
Don`t know what to do – I am desperate to get divorced, don`t want to wait years (want to start new relationships and I don't want to drag the financial settlement longer) but I think without disappearing to cut off any money trail there is nothing I can do.
Of course disappearing is so tragic for the kids so really don`t want to do that, but feel I am left with no choice. I did use it as a threat before but she took no notice. This has now dragged on around 1.5 years.
Any advice for this whole mess appreciated - I feel the last ten years of my life has been a disaster and desperate to reset before too late.
I have been married for ten years, a few months after getting married my wife fell pregnant. To be honest shortly after getting married I realised it was a mistake (pressure was put on me by my wife to marry, I was in two minds at the time). Around that time my wife fell pregnant – I was 30 at the time and kids were the last thing on my mind, I had never wanted kids and didn't want them at that stage, but my wife didn't want to abort so had no choice in the matter
I tried to be a good father, though the relationship with my wife was generally bad (I wanted to leave the marriage and felt trapped in it and that thought was always in my mind, and I think my wife knew this). Sex was very infrequent and we were emotionally detached, and 3 years later had another child which was again unexpected / unplanned.
I took some individual counselling for around six months around what to do in this situation – I desperately wanted to get divorced and take the chance to find someone else while I was relatively young, but the guilt of upsetting the kids always held me back. Discussed this with the counsellor other many months. (My wife wouldn't come to couples counselling as she wanted a counsellor in her native language which wasn't available so I just went for one to one counselling myself) .
Started an open conversation with my wife about our relationship to the tune of can we reconcile or should we divorce (she previously asked about getting divorced several times in the past but I always shut down the conversation as I said we should stay together for the children – to be honest I didn't want to upset the children, didn't want to dreg up all the pain and drama involved in divorce and didnt want to devastate my parents who are very close to my kids so always shut her down – but I desperately dreamed of being divorced and starting my new life).
The outcome of several months of conversation was my wife thought we should get divorced and no way for us to reconcile (which I agreed on, but still hesitated to do it because of not wanting to hurt kids and all the pain and rigmarole involved .
Anyway at the time was in process of moving countries which we did, 1.5 years later finally decided enough was enough and said lets really do it.
However she had since changed her mind and no longer agreed to getting divorced – not because our relationship improved, I think she just realises that her life would be easier with me as she is a housewife and hasn't worked for ten years and being a single mother is tough, so she wont accept a divorce (and I cant force her where we live now, and moving back to England its still hard / long winded to force a divorce if she doesn't agree).
I want to meet someone and move on emotionally and financially , but still being married puts a massive damper on ability to date, and she refuses to accept divorce.
Am in a real dilemma, don;t really know what to do. The only thing I can think to force her is to cut off the money – but technically she could get child and spousal support enforced through courts, and I would still be powerless to divorce. So my only option is to cut off and if the courts get involved literally I would have to disappear / walk out.
Don`t know what to do – I am desperate to get divorced, don`t want to wait years (want to start new relationships and I don't want to drag the financial settlement longer) but I think without disappearing to cut off any money trail there is nothing I can do.
Of course disappearing is so tragic for the kids so really don`t want to do that, but feel I am left with no choice. I did use it as a threat before but she took no notice. This has now dragged on around 1.5 years.
Any advice for this whole mess appreciated - I feel the last ten years of my life has been a disaster and desperate to reset before too late.
Are you saying that in the legal jurisdiction you're all currently living in, you literally cannot end the marriage legally without her co-operation?
Perhaps you could make an application in England if you married and spent most of your lives living here - I suspect you would be wise to seek qualified legal advice in both countries.
How would you see this panning out in an 'ideal' situation? Would you plan to remain in the same place and share care of the children or do you envisage her remaining where she is and being their full time carer whilst you start a new life somewhere else?
I went through a messy divorce 5 years ago and have my new life in which everything is happier. It took a long time and a lot of pain, stress and money but everything came good in the end. You can achieve the same, but there isn't a quick, easy painless answer and I would suggest that doing a cut and run would be one of the worst possible outcomes for everyone including yourself in the long run.
Perhaps you could make an application in England if you married and spent most of your lives living here - I suspect you would be wise to seek qualified legal advice in both countries.
How would you see this panning out in an 'ideal' situation? Would you plan to remain in the same place and share care of the children or do you envisage her remaining where she is and being their full time carer whilst you start a new life somewhere else?
I went through a messy divorce 5 years ago and have my new life in which everything is happier. It took a long time and a lot of pain, stress and money but everything came good in the end. You can achieve the same, but there isn't a quick, easy painless answer and I would suggest that doing a cut and run would be one of the worst possible outcomes for everyone including yourself in the long run.
Make sure, before anything concrete happens, that you know exactly how your family finances work .
I paid the mortgage and various other bits from the joint a/c. However only I paid into it. She kept her money. It all got very messy and she blackmailed me into giving her everything.
The solicitors want to know how much you spend on everything, cars, entertainment, insurance, kids clothes and so on. Just make sure you're prepared.
I'm happier now with a new wife and life is great.
I paid the mortgage and various other bits from the joint a/c. However only I paid into it. She kept her money. It all got very messy and she blackmailed me into giving her everything.
The solicitors want to know how much you spend on everything, cars, entertainment, insurance, kids clothes and so on. Just make sure you're prepared.
I'm happier now with a new wife and life is great.
This is where you need BV, he's gone but there's a few with similar knowledge, might be able to offer advice personal and legal. All I can say is don't do this;
ChocolateFrog said:
What country do you live in?
You could move back to England and cut of the money supply until she agrees to the divorce.
Would be a nuclear option, especially with kids involved.
You could move back to England and cut of the money supply until she agrees to the divorce.
Would be a nuclear option, especially with kids involved.
OP , might be an idea to say where you are living now ?
Did you not get married in the U.K.?
Maybe if you move back to the U.K. ( assuming that’s where you got married) it might make the process far easier.
“ cutting the money off” Hang on there are kids involved that need financial support and will end up hating you if they are aware that’s what you’ve done.
Seek some legal advice and go from there before you make a solid move.
Also what is your wife’s native language?
Did you not get married in the U.K.?
Maybe if you move back to the U.K. ( assuming that’s where you got married) it might make the process far easier.
“ cutting the money off” Hang on there are kids involved that need financial support and will end up hating you if they are aware that’s what you’ve done.
Seek some legal advice and go from there before you make a solid move.
Also what is your wife’s native language?
c63black said:
Have mainly lurked on these forums for years, but turning to you guys for some thoughts and advice. Apologies for long post.
I have been married for ten years, a few months after getting married my wife fell pregnant. To be honest shortly after getting married I realised it was a mistake (pressure was put on me by my wife to marry, I was in two minds at the time). Around that time my wife fell pregnant – I was 30 at the time and kids were the last thing on my mind, I had never wanted kids and didn't want them at that stage, but my wife didn't want to abort so had no choice in the matter
I tried to be a good father, though the relationship with my wife was generally bad (I wanted to leave the marriage and felt trapped in it and that thought was always in my mind, and I think my wife knew this). Sex was very infrequent and we were emotionally detached, and 3 years later had another child which was again unexpected / unplanned.
I took some individual counselling for around six months around what to do in this situation – I desperately wanted to get divorced and take the chance to find someone else while I was relatively young, but the guilt of upsetting the kids always held me back. Discussed this with the counsellor other many months. (My wife wouldn't come to couples counselling as she wanted a counsellor in her native language which wasn't available so I just went for one to one counselling myself) .
Started an open conversation with my wife about our relationship to the tune of can we reconcile or should we divorce (she previously asked about getting divorced several times in the past but I always shut down the conversation as I said we should stay together for the children – to be honest I didn't want to upset the children, didn't want to dreg up all the pain and drama involved in divorce and didnt want to devastate my parents who are very close to my kids so always shut her down – but I desperately dreamed of being divorced and starting my new life).
The outcome of several months of conversation was my wife thought we should get divorced and no way for us to reconcile (which I agreed on, but still hesitated to do it because of not wanting to hurt kids and all the pain and rigmarole involved .
Anyway at the time was in process of moving countries which we did, 1.5 years later finally decided enough was enough and said lets really do it.
However she had since changed her mind and no longer agreed to getting divorced – not because our relationship improved, I think she just realises that her life would be easier with me as she is a housewife and hasn't worked for ten years and being a single mother is tough, so she wont accept a divorce (and I cant force her where we live now, and moving back to England its still hard / long winded to force a divorce if she doesn't agree).
I want to meet someone and move on emotionally and financially , but still being married puts a massive damper on ability to date, and she refuses to accept divorce.
Am in a real dilemma, don;t really know what to do. The only thing I can think to force her is to cut off the money – but technically she could get child and spousal support enforced through courts, and I would still be powerless to divorce. So my only option is to cut off and if the courts get involved literally I would have to disappear / walk out.
Don`t know what to do – I am desperate to get divorced, don`t want to wait years (want to start new relationships and I don't want to drag the financial settlement longer) but I think without disappearing to cut off any money trail there is nothing I can do.
Of course disappearing is so tragic for the kids so really don`t want to do that, but feel I am left with no choice. I did use it as a threat before but she took no notice. This has now dragged on around 1.5 years.
Any advice for this whole mess appreciated - I feel the last ten years of my life has been a disaster and desperate to reset before too late.
Any update OP? I have been married for ten years, a few months after getting married my wife fell pregnant. To be honest shortly after getting married I realised it was a mistake (pressure was put on me by my wife to marry, I was in two minds at the time). Around that time my wife fell pregnant – I was 30 at the time and kids were the last thing on my mind, I had never wanted kids and didn't want them at that stage, but my wife didn't want to abort so had no choice in the matter
I tried to be a good father, though the relationship with my wife was generally bad (I wanted to leave the marriage and felt trapped in it and that thought was always in my mind, and I think my wife knew this). Sex was very infrequent and we were emotionally detached, and 3 years later had another child which was again unexpected / unplanned.
I took some individual counselling for around six months around what to do in this situation – I desperately wanted to get divorced and take the chance to find someone else while I was relatively young, but the guilt of upsetting the kids always held me back. Discussed this with the counsellor other many months. (My wife wouldn't come to couples counselling as she wanted a counsellor in her native language which wasn't available so I just went for one to one counselling myself) .
Started an open conversation with my wife about our relationship to the tune of can we reconcile or should we divorce (she previously asked about getting divorced several times in the past but I always shut down the conversation as I said we should stay together for the children – to be honest I didn't want to upset the children, didn't want to dreg up all the pain and drama involved in divorce and didnt want to devastate my parents who are very close to my kids so always shut her down – but I desperately dreamed of being divorced and starting my new life).
The outcome of several months of conversation was my wife thought we should get divorced and no way for us to reconcile (which I agreed on, but still hesitated to do it because of not wanting to hurt kids and all the pain and rigmarole involved .
Anyway at the time was in process of moving countries which we did, 1.5 years later finally decided enough was enough and said lets really do it.
However she had since changed her mind and no longer agreed to getting divorced – not because our relationship improved, I think she just realises that her life would be easier with me as she is a housewife and hasn't worked for ten years and being a single mother is tough, so she wont accept a divorce (and I cant force her where we live now, and moving back to England its still hard / long winded to force a divorce if she doesn't agree).
I want to meet someone and move on emotionally and financially , but still being married puts a massive damper on ability to date, and she refuses to accept divorce.
Am in a real dilemma, don;t really know what to do. The only thing I can think to force her is to cut off the money – but technically she could get child and spousal support enforced through courts, and I would still be powerless to divorce. So my only option is to cut off and if the courts get involved literally I would have to disappear / walk out.
Don`t know what to do – I am desperate to get divorced, don`t want to wait years (want to start new relationships and I don't want to drag the financial settlement longer) but I think without disappearing to cut off any money trail there is nothing I can do.
Of course disappearing is so tragic for the kids so really don`t want to do that, but feel I am left with no choice. I did use it as a threat before but she took no notice. This has now dragged on around 1.5 years.
Any advice for this whole mess appreciated - I feel the last ten years of my life has been a disaster and desperate to reset before too late.
The downside of not talking about important stuff [ kids ?, rent or buy ?, pets ? caravan holidays ? milk in cup first ? sandals + socks ? ]
to your intended before you commit to a lifelong union.
At 30 you'd think pregnancy was a highly likely outcome of the doing the sex thing a lot.
to your intended before you commit to a lifelong union.
At 30 you'd think pregnancy was a highly likely outcome of the doing the sex thing a lot.
coppernorks said:
At 30 you'd think pregnancy was a highly likely outcome of the doing the sex thing a lot.
Not if you take contraception seriously its not. Failure rates for contraception taken 100% to spec are actually very low. The less reliable figures for real world use are down to improper use, cointradiction with other drugs, shagging when ill, women lying about stopping taking it etc etc. Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff