Cutting off ties with others post life event
Discussion
Ronstein said:
Only advice I can give is to allow yourself time before making decisions that could be irreversible. Distance by all means, but avoid burning bridges if you can. You may feel differently in a few months when things have settled down again.
Agreed. Make decisions like that when you're in a good place.That said my brother cut of all ties with my father. Our father left when we were young but continued to keep in contact. One day my brother decided that he really didn't have a father son relationship with him, so why keep up the pretence. I respect his decision.
I've not done this with a sibling, but I've "cut off" several aunts, uncles and cousins in my time who have behaved like absolute roasters. No regrets. Far happier not dealing with their bulls
t. It grieves my Mum, but I don't give a st about them. I'm not having my kids seeing the way they act towards others and listening to their poison.
My friends are more of a family to me - they're people who have chosen by mutual consent to be part of eachothers' lives, relatives are forced on you and I don't see the need to maintain contact with them if they turn out to be aholes.
t. It grieves my Mum, but I don't give a st about them. I'm not having my kids seeing the way they act towards others and listening to their poison.My friends are more of a family to me - they're people who have chosen by mutual consent to be part of eachothers' lives, relatives are forced on you and I don't see the need to maintain contact with them if they turn out to be a
holes. I'd echo the above advice. Things change, people change, you change. In a couple of years you might feel differently and appreciate them again.
In 2002 one of my best friends emigrated to Australia. He doesn't come back very often so it's nice to see him when he does.
About 5 years ago he sent an email to our mutual friends saying he'd just got back from visiting the UK but had been so busy with family he hadn't had time to see any of his mates. He'd been within a couple of miles of two of us so we were pretty unimpressed and I didn't write to him for a year.
Then I got over myself and we're back to exchanging emails. My point is that time heals and with perspective I can see that his family were putting a lot of pressure on him to spend time with them and he couldn't fit his mates in. I still think he handled it crassly but not enough to never speak to him again.
A couple of years later he came back again and this time we all got to meet his wife and kid. That would have been awkward if I'd burned bridges with him earlier.
In 2002 one of my best friends emigrated to Australia. He doesn't come back very often so it's nice to see him when he does.
About 5 years ago he sent an email to our mutual friends saying he'd just got back from visiting the UK but had been so busy with family he hadn't had time to see any of his mates. He'd been within a couple of miles of two of us so we were pretty unimpressed and I didn't write to him for a year.
Then I got over myself and we're back to exchanging emails. My point is that time heals and with perspective I can see that his family were putting a lot of pressure on him to spend time with them and he couldn't fit his mates in. I still think he handled it crassly but not enough to never speak to him again.
A couple of years later he came back again and this time we all got to meet his wife and kid. That would have been awkward if I'd burned bridges with him earlier.
Similar to above, if it’s right for you just do it and don’t feel guilty.
You only get one life and I think relationships need to be a mutually beneficial thing so if you’re getting nothing positive in return, what’s the point in struggling to maintain it?
After my parents split 16 years ago, my Dad was totally bitter and there was always an underlying implication that I was being a traitor by continuing to see my Mum even when her new fella was visiting. Tried to help him come to terms with it in all sorts of ways but 4 years ago I just gave up bothering. Not spoken or seen him since despite my sister being a bit judgy for a while so now I’ll probably not hear anything about him until I get The Call.
I’m at peace with that.
You only get one life and I think relationships need to be a mutually beneficial thing so if you’re getting nothing positive in return, what’s the point in struggling to maintain it?
After my parents split 16 years ago, my Dad was totally bitter and there was always an underlying implication that I was being a traitor by continuing to see my Mum even when her new fella was visiting. Tried to help him come to terms with it in all sorts of ways but 4 years ago I just gave up bothering. Not spoken or seen him since despite my sister being a bit judgy for a while so now I’ll probably not hear anything about him until I get The Call.
I’m at peace with that.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
What does "cutting a sibling and others out" mean in reality? ie Will you be doing something pro-actively, or just stopping any contact and letting the relationship wither away.Making it obviously clear that you want nothing to do with them may provide some kind of satisfaction in the short term but risks burning bridges and people taking sides. Just letting contacts whither away whilst being polite on the occasions where you do run into them) is probably the best way.
I'm 48, and have not had any contact with my eldest brother for 10yrs. Until then we had a great, friendly relationship but a couple of issues surfaced leading to some arguments where he said some pretty hurtful things.
Ever since he has had nothing to do with our parents or my other brother. He was very mean to my parents who had bent over backwards to spend their retirement doing childcare for him without much in the way of thanks. Parents have removed him from their will.
Deep down he's a decent bloke, but he gets very entrenched in his opinions and will not see anyone else's point of view, to the point of toddler-like intransigence. His career is in motor insurance personal injury, where he spends all of his days arguing with lawyers about why his employer should not pay out. I honestly feel that 35yrs of doing that has impacted his personal life, he can never be seen to give in, even when quite clearly in the wrong.
All olive branches have been rebuffed, I'm too tired to bother with him now, especially as he is now shacked up with a gobste woman who personifies the word 'Fishwife'.
I very much suspect that the next time I have anything to do with him will be at one of my parents' funerals, if he turns up. Sad, but that's how it is.
Ever since he has had nothing to do with our parents or my other brother. He was very mean to my parents who had bent over backwards to spend their retirement doing childcare for him without much in the way of thanks. Parents have removed him from their will.
Deep down he's a decent bloke, but he gets very entrenched in his opinions and will not see anyone else's point of view, to the point of toddler-like intransigence. His career is in motor insurance personal injury, where he spends all of his days arguing with lawyers about why his employer should not pay out. I honestly feel that 35yrs of doing that has impacted his personal life, he can never be seen to give in, even when quite clearly in the wrong.
All olive branches have been rebuffed, I'm too tired to bother with him now, especially as he is now shacked up with a gobs
te woman who personifies the word 'Fishwife'. I very much suspect that the next time I have anything to do with him will be at one of my parents' funerals, if he turns up. Sad, but that's how it is.
I've done it, although TBH I never knew them that well. My mother, aunt, & uncle are now all dead. I've pretty much lost contact with my cousins. Not overtly, just let things slide. We're still connected via FB, but that's all
Eldest Cousin - barking mad. Her latest FB posts have basically been anti-vax Covid conspiracy crap. That and pleas for her poor disabled son - who is actually type 1 diabetic who's never bothered to control his blood sugars and has assorted problems as a result. If he'd bothered to control his diabetes, he wouldn't have these issues.
Next Cousin - seems nice enough, until you realise he's so far to the political right that he makes Nick Griffin & Steven Yaxley-Lennon (aka Tommy Robinson) look like lefty liberal snowflakes.
Last Cousin - never really knew him, quiet bloke who never really says anything.
There was a fourth, but he actually cut himself off from his own family when he married. Nothing heard of him in 20 years.
Yes, they're family. Reality is I hardly know any of them, have nothing in common, and CBA making any effort to change that.
Eldest Cousin - barking mad. Her latest FB posts have basically been anti-vax Covid conspiracy crap. That and pleas for her poor disabled son - who is actually type 1 diabetic who's never bothered to control his blood sugars and has assorted problems as a result. If he'd bothered to control his diabetes, he wouldn't have these issues.
Next Cousin - seems nice enough, until you realise he's so far to the political right that he makes Nick Griffin & Steven Yaxley-Lennon (aka Tommy Robinson) look like lefty liberal snowflakes.
Last Cousin - never really knew him, quiet bloke who never really says anything.
There was a fourth, but he actually cut himself off from his own family when he married. Nothing heard of him in 20 years.
Yes, they're family. Reality is I hardly know any of them, have nothing in common, and CBA making any effort to change that.
Just because they are family it doesn't mean you should keep toxic people in your life. I don't speak to my siblings and I doubt I ever will. My sister in particular is dead to me, I'll never be within a mile of her and I'll never speak to her again.
Some of her gems include taking my girlfriend out, getting her plastered and offering her off to some bloke, when I turned up said ffs the cock block has turned up. After finding out my son only had a few years to live said to me when she didn't get her own way "is your kid dead yet, no? what a pity"
My brother is an eleveneriffe type and I just can't bear to have conversations with him as he's always off being a chef, lawyer, SAS etc.
Life is just so much more peaceful without them in it.
Some of her gems include taking my girlfriend out, getting her plastered and offering her off to some bloke, when I turned up said ffs the cock block has turned up. After finding out my son only had a few years to live said to me when she didn't get her own way "is your kid dead yet, no? what a pity"
My brother is an eleveneriffe type and I just can't bear to have conversations with him as he's always off being a chef, lawyer, SAS etc.
Life is just so much more peaceful without them in it.
I'm currently going through the same including the birthday. I live near my dad who now relies on me for all kinds of things and is frequently angry with me. The latest is I ordered him a new phone and told him it was due to be delivered this morning he went ape st with me because he goes shopping on Friday mornings. The delivery was missed. My brother has not been near since the funeral in February. (Because of Covid!!!!!! )
t with me because he goes shopping on Friday mornings. The delivery was missed. My brother has not been near since the funeral in February. (Because of Covid!!!!!! )I've found in life, in my family at least that when the patriarch / matriarch passes, we seem to drift apart. My Aunts, Uncles, Cousins were a bit part of my life when I was a kid, but since my Grand Parents died, I just don't see them, cousins have married without my knowledge (or invite) and when I got married, I didn't invite them, it wasn't a falling out or anything we just haven't stayed in touch. I think my Mum visits her sister from time to time, but never speaks to her brother or her other sister.
I witness a similar things with my owns Brothers, when my parents moved to the Middle East 20 years ago, without that family get together at Christmas or family BBQs etc, we just sort of drifted apart, they've been back in the UK for 5 years now, but I might see one of my Brother every few years, we didn't even have each others phone numbers until recently when Mum insisted I called my Middle Brother to wish him a Happy Birthday, I set up a Whatsapp group with the pair of them, we wished him a happy birthday, the group has remained unused since, still it's my Birthday in a few weeks, I'll probably hear from them then.
I think I should be sad about that, but I'm okay with it, we've never had a falling out, but we don't have much in common either. My Wife is from one of those huge Catholic families with a million cousins, cousins of cousins, Aunts and Uncles and such. When we got married my ushers had to borrow some of them to fill my side of the church ha ha.
I witness a similar things with my owns Brothers, when my parents moved to the Middle East 20 years ago, without that family get together at Christmas or family BBQs etc, we just sort of drifted apart, they've been back in the UK for 5 years now, but I might see one of my Brother every few years, we didn't even have each others phone numbers until recently when Mum insisted I called my Middle Brother to wish him a Happy Birthday, I set up a Whatsapp group with the pair of them, we wished him a happy birthday, the group has remained unused since, still it's my Birthday in a few weeks, I'll probably hear from them then.
I think I should be sad about that, but I'm okay with it, we've never had a falling out, but we don't have much in common either. My Wife is from one of those huge Catholic families with a million cousins, cousins of cousins, Aunts and Uncles and such. When we got married my ushers had to borrow some of them to fill my side of the church ha ha.
zygalski said:
anonymous said:
[redacted]
So you're in a room with 10 friends & family & they're all total sts?Riiiight.
Makes me wonder how everyone else views you, TBH.
t, are internet points really that valuable to you? P-Jay said:
zygalski said:
anonymous said:
[redacted]
So you're in a room with 10 friends & family & they're all total sts?Riiiight.
Makes me wonder how everyone else views you, TBH.
t, are internet points really that valuable to you? zygalski said:
P-Jay said:
zygalski said:
anonymous said:
[redacted]
So you're in a room with 10 friends & family & they're all total sts?Riiiight.
Makes me wonder how everyone else views you, TBH.
t, are internet points really that valuable to you? A very smart man told me 20 years ago that, "If you have a problem with more than 2 people in a room, the problem is you."
That has never failed to prove correct. It doesn't mean you're the problem, but rather that you can change yourself to be the solution.
I would distance, but don't cut off. Change how and when you interact with people. If long, drunken dinners turn to fights and arguments, then only go round for coffee and cake then leave.
That has never failed to prove correct. It doesn't mean you're the problem, but rather that you can change yourself to be the solution.
I would distance, but don't cut off. Change how and when you interact with people. If long, drunken dinners turn to fights and arguments, then only go round for coffee and cake then leave.
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