Considered opinions please
Discussion
This morning a card arrived for my Daughter from her Dad.
It has been two years since she has had any contact with him.
I have opened the card to check it's contents, as previous correspondence were unsuitable for her to read.
Inside is a Birthday Card, all be it late, and the following message.
[i]"I hope you have a wonderful Bithday and all your wishes and Dream come true
Missing you more than word cab say your always in my thoughts I love you so much and always will.
All my love
Daddy + 'girls name + 3 other names'
This is daddy's new family that you are very much a part of and we all hope to see you very soon"[/i]
He has no access/contact with my Daughter and is unlikely to be granted this by the court at any time in the future.
It has taken me along time to hep my Daughter install some confidence in herself and I am concerned that if I give her this card and read it to her it may send her back to being the timid withdrawn little girl she once was. But equally there will be a time when she is older where this card would come to light and I don't want her to not be able to trust me or think that I kept it from her for my own selfish reasons.
It has been two years since she has had any contact with him.
I have opened the card to check it's contents, as previous correspondence were unsuitable for her to read.
Inside is a Birthday Card, all be it late, and the following message.
[i]"I hope you have a wonderful Bithday and all your wishes and Dream come true
Missing you more than word cab say your always in my thoughts I love you so much and always will.
All my love
Daddy + 'girls name + 3 other names'
This is daddy's new family that you are very much a part of and we all hope to see you very soon"[/i]
He has no access/contact with my Daughter and is unlikely to be granted this by the court at any time in the future.
It has taken me along time to hep my Daughter install some confidence in herself and I am concerned that if I give her this card and read it to her it may send her back to being the timid withdrawn little girl she once was. But equally there will be a time when she is older where this card would come to light and I don't want her to not be able to trust me or think that I kept it from her for my own selfish reasons.
How old is your daughter? if you feel she is capable of forming her own opinions, then you should allow her to do so, and not let your feelings get in the way. there is always a risk in your mind that this sort od thing will open up a can of worms, but in truth your daughter will not be a blank canvas, and she will have thought about her dad many times, and tried to make sense of the situation she is in.
Tell her that her dad has sent a card, and try to explain your feelings about it - honesty is always the best policy in situations like this, because she has already had a difficult time with one parent and the last thing she needs is being made to feel that she cannot now trust the other parent.
There is no certainty here - you will have to take a leap in the dark. My ex-wife with whom I share care of our 2 children, has just had another baby to her new husband, and I thought it would lead to the kids wanting to spend more time with their new baby brother - but the opposite has happened, with my daughter feeling very left out and let down by her mother, and my son not being terribly bothered at all.
Give her the chance to make sense of it, and talk to her, and support her and answer her questions truthfully.
Tell her that her dad has sent a card, and try to explain your feelings about it - honesty is always the best policy in situations like this, because she has already had a difficult time with one parent and the last thing she needs is being made to feel that she cannot now trust the other parent.
There is no certainty here - you will have to take a leap in the dark. My ex-wife with whom I share care of our 2 children, has just had another baby to her new husband, and I thought it would lead to the kids wanting to spend more time with their new baby brother - but the opposite has happened, with my daughter feeling very left out and let down by her mother, and my son not being terribly bothered at all.
Give her the chance to make sense of it, and talk to her, and support her and answer her questions truthfully.
Send the card back to him explaining why you don't want to give it to her (maybe even run the wording of the letter past a solicitor so that it cannot be used in an access court case). Wish him good luck with his new family but that your daughter is not part of it.
You may want to keep a copy of the card and the letter if you need to explain it to your daughter in the future.
Well that's my opinion anyway.
You may want to keep a copy of the card and the letter if you need to explain it to your daughter in the future.
Well that's my opinion anyway.
nubbin said:
exactly what I would say....
Like the man says, Honesty is the best policy. My wife was on the receiving end of a dishonest story about her family / father / background and resented it ever since. Its pretty obvious why she feels that way and no one could blame her.
She has dealt with it now and is back on track. But it wasnt easy, if honesty had been used at first then it would have been significantly easier and simpler.
Only bit I would be unhappy with is the "you're a part of my new family" part of the message. If it didn't have that, I would've said give it to her, because I think it's good that she knows that she has a father and that her father does actually think of her (he wouldn't have sent a card if he didn't care).
But obviously none of us really know the ins and outs of the dynamics of the relationships involved, so it's your call.
But yes, if you think she's old enough to make up her own mind, then you should give it to her.
But obviously none of us really know the ins and outs of the dynamics of the relationships involved, so it's your call.
But yes, if you think she's old enough to make up her own mind, then you should give it to her.
Firstly, I'm sorry to hear your in this position at all. I didn't really know what to think at 10 while and after my parents split
My experince, I don't think was very similar to how you describe your daughters.
I think it very much depends on how old your daughter is, and as you know her best how you think she would react.
I think I would have liked to be unbiasly given the oppertunity to make up my own mind. Having said that it sounds like I was older than your daughter is now and to do that may not be appropriate.
what ever you decide, I wish you and your daughter all the best, in what I know is a really nasty thing for life to throw at you
PS and I hope your daughter had a good B'day anyway
I have to agree with the honesty being the best policy train of thought. My two daughters are 5 and 3 and when they ask me awkward questions about why their mother and I split up I answer honestly and very bluntly. They can comprehend and handle seemingly difficult situations at an early age.
IMHO I think it's worth the risk of a little confusion and maybe pain now rather than deep seated resentment later on.
Good Luck
IMHO I think it's worth the risk of a little confusion and maybe pain now rather than deep seated resentment later on.
Good Luck
Wedge Girl - this is another twist in a horrible story for you. Given your situation and as your daughter is still so young I would destroy the card as if you never received it (the post is just so damned unreliable 
). Whilst honesty is usually the best policy considering what has happened I would suffer little guilt over this.
Perhaps if he sends a card on-time in a few years you may decide to pass it on (when your daughter is strong enough to cope with the emotional black mail).
Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
). Whilst honesty is usually the best policy considering what has happened I would suffer little guilt over this. Perhaps if he sends a card on-time in a few years you may decide to pass it on (when your daughter is strong enough to cope with the emotional black mail).
Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
I would pass it on but with an explanation if needed. If I found out one day that my father had tried to contact me but my mother had binned the cards, I would be livid. You can't beat honesty. Hiding things just leads to more stress, fear, lies and big rows when the truth emerges, as it has a habit of doing eventually.
Don't use the 'lost in the post' line; it's a cowards way out. And although I don't know your situation, I don't see emotional blackmail, just a longing to keep in contact with a daughter.
There are two girls whose love and trust in me was destroyed and it breaks my heart every time I think about them. And I wasn't even their real father.
>> Edited by simpo two on Tuesday 19th July 10:54
Don't use the 'lost in the post' line; it's a cowards way out. And although I don't know your situation, I don't see emotional blackmail, just a longing to keep in contact with a daughter.
There are two girls whose love and trust in me was destroyed and it breaks my heart every time I think about them. And I wasn't even their real father.
>> Edited by simpo two on Tuesday 19th July 10:54
I would be inclined to give her the card. No explanations, just let her make her own mind up about it.
Why do I say this? You can guess who would be the villain of the piece if it ever comes to light in the future. Imagine she found out in her teenage years that her dad tried to get in touch and you prevented it for all those years. You would have one very resentful daughter on your hands.
Actions speak far louder than words and kids are very good at picking up on these things. My parents split when I was seven and even at that age I could work a lot of stuff out for myself. I think your daughter will be able to see things too.
It could also be that your ex has mellowed. I know you have had some harrowing times, but people do change. Perhaps this new woman has had a calming influence on him.
Would you like to grow up thinking your real father wasn't thinking about you, when it wasn't actually the case? I would hate that.
Not trying to be provocative, just thinking about the situation from other points of view.
Why do I say this? You can guess who would be the villain of the piece if it ever comes to light in the future. Imagine she found out in her teenage years that her dad tried to get in touch and you prevented it for all those years. You would have one very resentful daughter on your hands.
Actions speak far louder than words and kids are very good at picking up on these things. My parents split when I was seven and even at that age I could work a lot of stuff out for myself. I think your daughter will be able to see things too.
It could also be that your ex has mellowed. I know you have had some harrowing times, but people do change. Perhaps this new woman has had a calming influence on him.
Would you like to grow up thinking your real father wasn't thinking about you, when it wasn't actually the case? I would hate that.
Not trying to be provocative, just thinking about the situation from other points of view.
Simpo - whilst I agree with the general principle of honesty being the best way, in this specific case I would remove this one card as being at the wrong time for everyone concerned.
Maybe later if this is not an isolated incident and a card arrives in time for a future birthday (who knows if the motivation for this one was good intentions) then the situation will need to be assessed.
People I find often do things for the wrong reasons and can be a lot nastier then we give them credit for. Wedge girl is in the best position to determine the intentions of this one card and it may have been sent just to cause pain. If it wasn't then I would have at least expected it to turn up on time and I would expect a future attempt at contact.
Maybe later if this is not an isolated incident and a card arrives in time for a future birthday (who knows if the motivation for this one was good intentions) then the situation will need to be assessed.
People I find often do things for the wrong reasons and can be a lot nastier then we give them credit for. Wedge girl is in the best position to determine the intentions of this one card and it may have been sent just to cause pain. If it wasn't then I would have at least expected it to turn up on time and I would expect a future attempt at contact.
Not that I know the slightest thing about this, but...
Don't destroy or hide the card. You are trying to build up her trust and confidence, so you should not risk a situation where she might later feel betrayed by you. Be confident of your relationship with her, and allow her to form her own opinions. At the moment, you're probably the person she takes all her strength from, so it would be awful for her later to find out you've not been honest with her.
I'd give her the card and ask her what it says in it, then what she thinks about that. It doesn't have to be a big deal, and you should let her know that if she wants to talk about the 'weird things' her Dad has said, you're there for her. But first of all, show her that you're confident and not worried by such silly comments.
I'm sure she's going to have thought a lot about her dad, but she'll come back to the person she trusts and who takes care of her - and you've got to remember that's you.
Don't destroy or hide the card. You are trying to build up her trust and confidence, so you should not risk a situation where she might later feel betrayed by you. Be confident of your relationship with her, and allow her to form her own opinions. At the moment, you're probably the person she takes all her strength from, so it would be awful for her later to find out you've not been honest with her.
I'd give her the card and ask her what it says in it, then what she thinks about that. It doesn't have to be a big deal, and you should let her know that if she wants to talk about the 'weird things' her Dad has said, you're there for her. But first of all, show her that you're confident and not worried by such silly comments.
I'm sure she's going to have thought a lot about her dad, but she'll come back to the person she trusts and who takes care of her - and you've got to remember that's you.
Thanks all.
The trouble is I'm not sure I am best placed to make this decision.
My Daughter has no contact with her Dad because she is terrified of him, despite my own feelings had she wanted to see him, I would have helped facilitate this for her under very close supervision with social services and court welfare.
I doubt very much that he has mellowed, infact I fear for the 3 chidren he is now in close contact with, so much so, that I will be forwarding the details to Social Services.
For me the court process is still not over, and I am left wondering if this has been sent more for my benefit than for hers.
The trouble is I'm not sure I am best placed to make this decision.
My Daughter has no contact with her Dad because she is terrified of him, despite my own feelings had she wanted to see him, I would have helped facilitate this for her under very close supervision with social services and court welfare.
I doubt very much that he has mellowed, infact I fear for the 3 chidren he is now in close contact with, so much so, that I will be forwarding the details to Social Services.
For me the court process is still not over, and I am left wondering if this has been sent more for my benefit than for hers.
wedge girl said:
My Daughter has no contact with her Dad because she is terrified of him
If your daughters genuinely terrified then maybe its best she doesnt see him till she's ready.
With reference to your previous question it sounds like her father wants to access when it suits him and sending a birthday card late does'nt make for good intentions,if he's going to have some sort of access then then maybe it should be done thru a solicitor or maybe under the watchful eye of social services,that way its all on paper and hopefuly it will help him be more responsible to his daughter also for whatever reason your daughter is terrified of him she might feel more secure with a third party like SS being involved.
I would probably be inclined to get a solicitor to write a letter asking him of his clear intentions regarding access to your daughter.
Good Luck.
Wedge girl - given how the situation is not resolved and that this card has come at still vulnerable time for you and your daughter I would destroy the damned thing.
I would limit the possiblity of the any part of the card ever coming back to haunt you be eliminating it as if it was the only piece of evidence linking me to high-treason. Then get on with life as if it never happened.
From what you have posted and posted previously I doubt this card was sent with any real feeling and has only been done to make you feel as you do now. If he knows you, he would know you would be painstakingly deliberating over what to do. As such, get rid of it and don't waste anymore of your precious time and precious feelings over this.
Take care,
and best wishes,
Tim
I would limit the possiblity of the any part of the card ever coming back to haunt you be eliminating it as if it was the only piece of evidence linking me to high-treason. Then get on with life as if it never happened.
From what you have posted and posted previously I doubt this card was sent with any real feeling and has only been done to make you feel as you do now. If he knows you, he would know you would be painstakingly deliberating over what to do. As such, get rid of it and don't waste anymore of your precious time and precious feelings over this.
Take care,
and best wishes,
Tim
Jinx said:
Wedge Girl - this is another twist in a horrible story for you. Given your situation and as your daughter is still so young I would destroy the card as if you never received it (the post is just so damned unreliable
I agree.
I wouldn't trust this man (or his motives) at all if I was in your shoes. This assumption is based on the comments I've read in your previous threads about him and what you've had to endure. IIRC he physically (and psychologically?) abused you and your eldest daughter. The fact that he was capable of doing harm to any child, let alone a family member, would put serious doubts in my mind as to his sincerity among other things. Perhaps he is using your youngest daughter as a way back in to get to you? Just a thought, that's all.
As parents we should strive to do what we think is best for our child(ren). If you see fit to destroy the card or return it to sender, then, in my eyes, it wouldn't be wrong of you to do so.
Gassing Station | The Pie & Piston Archive | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff