grooming of my 16yr daughter by a 37yr man
Discussion
wife and I devastated to find out a few days ago that our 16yr daughter was planning to meet up with a 36 yr Swedish man for sex in a hotel in the UK.
She met him via on line game chats when she was 15.
She has send money over to buy a ring, she has posted presents/cards to him.
She thinks she is in love, she wants to get engaged and then marry him.
She has never met him in person only online.
She has not had sex before.
He is 36, works as a swimming teacher/lifeguard + lives next to a school.
is in their territorial army. He is a big man - skin headed with beard.
he has said he has had 2 previous relationships which didnt work.
He refused to send a copy of his passport and got upset when I questioned his beard and being in the army (via daughter). - daughter at that stage only said he was 24yrs old. He has done nothing to try and get on side with us the parents.
Their first meeting we found a hotel booking by him in his surname with our daughter first name and his surname to make it appear they are related/married for the end of this month in the UK.
We have his full name and address in Sweden.
We have an email address and phone numbers
We have informed the UK police who talked to us and my daughter at length but there appears to be no actual offence at present. There is a possibility of inappropriate photos being sent which daughter confirmed but all removed or within online apps they used so that may be in the background.
Ive done further digging and found his youtube subscription who he follows which is disturbing.
15x separate sites/follows of multiple videos about what women want, how to date, why ex GF are so bad, why women abuse men, how bad men are treated by women, how to get your own back on GF's etc
1x banned youtube video linked to a nazi sympathetic web site. ie nazi speches, nazi nationalist words, songs.
websites chats about gaming girls, ie girls who play online games
videos of gaming sexual violence - pic of things stuck in players mouths and behinds in a sexual violent way.
Some racist and homophobic joke vids.
So very much any women/GF and non respectful stuff about women and girlfriends.
He prepared a time spread sheet of what they were to do that weekend ie cinema/skating/ hotel with times etc which included explicit words of fking in the side notes.
We are trying to help her see that this is not appropriate, cannot be love and guide her to a more normal way relations should start and go for young people.
we are trying to warn her of the dangers, of the risk involved, the explicit expectations this man has of having sex with her if they meet - what if she doesnt want it? she knows he expects it etc. what if he drugs her? the age difference and life experiences are too different.
We have said if she was 20 yrs old and he 40 then we would be concerned but fine go for it.
Ive said that I expect her to have boyfriends and have sex with guys her age or upto early/mid 20's and ok with that if its done safely and as part of normal dating.
We were very surprised that the UK legislation does not appear to cover grooming when they were 15 with the aim of meeting them when 16.
why am I posting? I dont know. We are scared and upset beyond words. Clearly there is no good outcome she is going to get hurt at best and sexually hurt and abused at worse.
We hope by gently drip feeding thoughts that she comes to her own conclusion which will be better for her own mental health.
She met him via on line game chats when she was 15.
She has send money over to buy a ring, she has posted presents/cards to him.
She thinks she is in love, she wants to get engaged and then marry him.
She has never met him in person only online.
She has not had sex before.
He is 36, works as a swimming teacher/lifeguard + lives next to a school.
is in their territorial army. He is a big man - skin headed with beard.
he has said he has had 2 previous relationships which didnt work.
He refused to send a copy of his passport and got upset when I questioned his beard and being in the army (via daughter). - daughter at that stage only said he was 24yrs old. He has done nothing to try and get on side with us the parents.
Their first meeting we found a hotel booking by him in his surname with our daughter first name and his surname to make it appear they are related/married for the end of this month in the UK.
We have his full name and address in Sweden.
We have an email address and phone numbers
We have informed the UK police who talked to us and my daughter at length but there appears to be no actual offence at present. There is a possibility of inappropriate photos being sent which daughter confirmed but all removed or within online apps they used so that may be in the background.
Ive done further digging and found his youtube subscription who he follows which is disturbing.
15x separate sites/follows of multiple videos about what women want, how to date, why ex GF are so bad, why women abuse men, how bad men are treated by women, how to get your own back on GF's etc
1x banned youtube video linked to a nazi sympathetic web site. ie nazi speches, nazi nationalist words, songs.
websites chats about gaming girls, ie girls who play online games
videos of gaming sexual violence - pic of things stuck in players mouths and behinds in a sexual violent way.
Some racist and homophobic joke vids.
So very much any women/GF and non respectful stuff about women and girlfriends.
He prepared a time spread sheet of what they were to do that weekend ie cinema/skating/ hotel with times etc which included explicit words of fking in the side notes.
We are trying to help her see that this is not appropriate, cannot be love and guide her to a more normal way relations should start and go for young people.
we are trying to warn her of the dangers, of the risk involved, the explicit expectations this man has of having sex with her if they meet - what if she doesnt want it? she knows he expects it etc. what if he drugs her? the age difference and life experiences are too different.
We have said if she was 20 yrs old and he 40 then we would be concerned but fine go for it.
Ive said that I expect her to have boyfriends and have sex with guys her age or upto early/mid 20's and ok with that if its done safely and as part of normal dating.
We were very surprised that the UK legislation does not appear to cover grooming when they were 15 with the aim of meeting them when 16.
why am I posting? I dont know. We are scared and upset beyond words. Clearly there is no good outcome she is going to get hurt at best and sexually hurt and abused at worse.
We hope by gently drip feeding thoughts that she comes to her own conclusion which will be better for her own mental health.
k right off, notifying him you've told the authorities and to stop contacting your daughter immediately. Given the contact at 15, surely getting the police involved would be a start? I would imagine that some police experience might 1) sharpen her up and 2) persuade him that it might not be a good idea to come to the UK?
Edit - ah, noticed plod aren't interested. Which surprises me. Tell her she's grounded and not leaving the house. The ensuing fight will be worth it with hindsight.
Edit - ah, noticed plod aren't interested. Which surprises me. Tell her she's grounded and not leaving the house. The ensuing fight will be worth it with hindsight.
Edited by rxe on Monday 18th October 14:49
Sorry to hear this, clearly a very stressful topic.
It may be worth a chat with the safeguarding lead at her school who should be able to at least chat to her, but hopefully something more structured.
If plod wont do anything official, then perhaps a PSCO might come and have a friendly chat with her. Unfortunately the last people she'll probably listen to are her parents - which is mind boggling, but also being a teenager, completely normal.
It may be worth a chat with the safeguarding lead at her school who should be able to at least chat to her, but hopefully something more structured.
If plod wont do anything official, then perhaps a PSCO might come and have a friendly chat with her. Unfortunately the last people she'll probably listen to are her parents - which is mind boggling, but also being a teenager, completely normal.
Really tough situation, and one I dread when my girls are older. It’s so important that your daughter understands your concerns, and why you want to take the action you do. My gut feel is warning this guy off without that will drive your daughter away from you.
Safeguarding advice from school sounds like a great idea as they’ll have had training on how to deal with this situation, however I wouldn’t go and talk to them about it without her knowing, you don’t want her to feel you’re going behind her back.
Any charities that could advise? Childline, CEOP etc? Or is it too late now she’s over 16?
I really feel for you on this one..
Safeguarding advice from school sounds like a great idea as they’ll have had training on how to deal with this situation, however I wouldn’t go and talk to them about it without her knowing, you don’t want her to feel you’re going behind her back.
Any charities that could advise? Childline, CEOP etc? Or is it too late now she’s over 16?
I really feel for you on this one..
Jesus Christ.
If it were me, I would confront him about it immediately and tell him to FRO and your daughter is going nowhere. People like that are generally manipulative but cowards so I can't see him doing anything but clearing off.
You should also sit down with your daughter and tell her what you've done. She may disagree but that's better than her thinking you're keeping things from her.
But again, Jesus Christ.
If it were me, I would confront him about it immediately and tell him to FRO and your daughter is going nowhere. People like that are generally manipulative but cowards so I can't see him doing anything but clearing off.
You should also sit down with your daughter and tell her what you've done. She may disagree but that's better than her thinking you're keeping things from her.
But again, Jesus Christ.
Edited by Piginapoke on Monday 18th October 15:09
Lordy, he sounds vile, no wonder you are so concerned for your daughter. Nothing good could come from her meeting him. If the Police won’t do anything then you are left to take care of business yourself.
If you don’t think your daughter will heed your advice then I would inform him that he is to stop all communication with your daughter who is not yet an adult. Any further attempt to contact her will have serious consequences for his well being. Good luck with it.
If you don’t think your daughter will heed your advice then I would inform him that he is to stop all communication with your daughter who is not yet an adult. Any further attempt to contact her will have serious consequences for his well being. Good luck with it.
Horrible situation. I’ve always found the Swedish to be stand up people so I’d use the following information to share what you know -
https://diplomatmagazine.com/heads-of-mission/euro...
https://diplomatmagazine.com/heads-of-mission/euro...
As your daughter is only 16, in the eyes of the law she is still a child. Yes here in the UK the age of consent for physical sex is 16, anything else like sharing pictures or even sexual chat online with a minor is illegal. I am therefore surprised that the Police are not interested, you say he is Swedish? Is that in Sweden on Swedish in the UK?
How did you find out about the hotel room? I presume you know or have discovered that this is definitely the first time they will have met up?
Not sure what you can do in this situation to be honest. If she is besotted with him then anything you say against him probably isn't going to work particularly well and may have the opposite effect, but at the same time - it's not like you can do nothing?
Is grounding her on the day of the hotel booking a possibility? Maybe if this guy flies over from Sweden and she doesn't show then he'll be sufficiently put off to show his true colours, or give up?
As she's still just 16 you presumably have some power as a parent to e.g. cancel this hotel booking, etc? I dunno.
Ugh.
Not sure what you can do in this situation to be honest. If she is besotted with him then anything you say against him probably isn't going to work particularly well and may have the opposite effect, but at the same time - it's not like you can do nothing?
Is grounding her on the day of the hotel booking a possibility? Maybe if this guy flies over from Sweden and she doesn't show then he'll be sufficiently put off to show his true colours, or give up?
As she's still just 16 you presumably have some power as a parent to e.g. cancel this hotel booking, etc? I dunno.
Ugh.
Having a look at the Sexual Offences Act (2003), it’s possible the offence of ‘attempting to cause / incite the sexual exploitation of a child aged 13-17’ may apply. I’m not sure where you are in the country, but if I was in your position I’d try to speak with the local Safeguarding Investigations Unit (SIU) or local sexual offences unit equivalent. Your average call handler/response officer/PCSO won’t have the knowledge and experience to make an accurate assessment.
Edit: Have a look at this document and compare it to your daughter's circumstances. From what you've said it sounds like it fits the criteria:
https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/governmen...
Edit: Have a look at this document and compare it to your daughter's circumstances. From what you've said it sounds like it fits the criteria:
https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/governmen...
Edited by JulianHJ on Monday 18th October 15:40
It's good that you have picked this potential child abuse and have saved your daughter from getting into harms way. However this won't stop this guy doing the same to another innocent child.
Please contact the following and get in touch with the idea to prevent this guy from ever potentially abusing another child:
https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-negl...
Please contact the following and get in touch with the idea to prevent this guy from ever potentially abusing another child:
https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-negl...
Get on your Council's website and search for LADO (Local Authority Designated Officer) this is the person you'd normally contact if it was someone in a school, club etc.
However they'll know all the right people to talk to.
Also given she's 16 you should be informing school and LA as they have a duty of care whilst she's not with you.
I assume she's at school\college?
LADO now!
However they'll know all the right people to talk to.
Also given she's 16 you should be informing school and LA as they have a duty of care whilst she's not with you.
I assume she's at school\college?
LADO now!
superlightr said:
.
He refused to send a copy of his passport and got upset when I questioned his beard and being in the army (via daughter). - daughter at that stage only said he was 24yrs old. He has done nothing to try and get on side with us the parents.
Can't offer any practical help except to say beards are accepted in Swedish military.He refused to send a copy of his passport and got upset when I questioned his beard and being in the army (via daughter). - daughter at that stage only said he was 24yrs old. He has done nothing to try and get on side with us the parents.
Your daughter isn't going to respect your decision not to have contact with this predator, but you can't imprison her either. You need to find an authority that she recognises.
Unbusy said:
I would inform him that he is to stop all communication with your daughter who is not yet an adult. Any further attempt to contact her will have serious consequences for his well being. Good luck with it.
This. It reads as if you have done some digging but that he otherwise doesn't know that you know about him - that might make him behave differently. If the above fails then chaperone your daughter and make it uncomfortable! Really sorry to hear this. I feel your pain.
If this happened to my daughter, WW3 would be visited upon the scrote.
Not sure that I can add much to what has already been said, but how about informing his employer, school next door and his local Police that there's a Pedo in their midst?
If this happened to my daughter, WW3 would be visited upon the scrote.
Not sure that I can add much to what has already been said, but how about informing his employer, school next door and his local Police that there's a Pedo in their midst?
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