Embarassment about being happy. English disease?

[mr_spock]

I married my American wife last year, and one of the notable cultural differences seems to be the general inability of the English to be happy without some sort of associated complaint or explanation. Well, me anyway. She's just happy - sure, she gets annoyed by stuff, but it really doesn't seem to affect her too deeply. Also, it appears to be ok to say "I have a nice house/car/holiday/job" without following it up with a "but".

I'm almost embarassed to say that we have a lovely home in the US with lots of space and a pool without then saying that it was all broken when we got it and still has lots to do, and it cost less than my little house on a postage stamp sized lot in a village in Cambridgeshire. Same with having a classic car - it's cool, but there's a big to-do list, this/that/the other is broken. Or a good, well paid job, but you know, it's a bit stressful and I sometimes work long hours. Or whatever. I never post pics on FB because some people just want to take you down a peg or two if they think you're getting a bit too big headed, as they think it is.

Is it just me, or are we generally embarassed about success and seem to need to have something to complain about? My wife notes that when I talk to my friends or family, we all have a good old whinge over a cuppa and all feel better for it. She doesn't do it and finds it wearing at times.

(Incidentally, she's about the only American I've met who does dry humour and sarcasm, and she lived over in the UK for a while so she does get our culture a bit).

[Riley Blue]

It's just you.

[23.7]

Yes but you did vote for Donald Trump, then Joe Biden.


Live long and prosper

(am I doing this right)

ETA

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Smile-Die-Positive-Thinki...

Edited by 23.7 on Sunday 19th December 14:59

[DodgyGeezer]

I'm kinda with the OP on this one. There does seem to be something in the English psyche where we love to pull someone down a notch or four (even better if they're a sleb we've built up!).
We even do it to friends and family - example: retirement came up in the conversation t'other day (I'm officially some way off the 'right' age) and the response isn't "...bloody hell, good for you..." there're questions/statements:
- you'll be bored
- how on earth can you afford it
- you're too young for that
- bit lazy don't you think
- etc etc

I remember watching some house renovation/rebuild programme with Ty somebody where there *seemed* to be real generosity and actually *wanting* to help someone less fortunate and I couldn't help thinking that something on that scale would be sneered at in the UK (d.i.y. s.o.s. is about as close as we got)

[mr_spock]

23.7 said:

Yes but you did vote for Donald Trump, then Joe Biden.

Live long and prosper

(am I doing this right)

ETA

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Smile-Die-Positive-Thinki...

Edited by 23.7 on Sunday 19th December 14:59

I'm British so I didn't vote for either of them. Also it can't be just me or my wife wouldn't get the impression that we all do it, my friends wouldn't do it and neither would my family.

[GroundEffect]

Very different mentalities. It's not just British (England isn't alone in this on this Island) but many more Northern European countries.

In Spain, for example, people are just happier.

[djc206]

I think generally British people prefer to have a good moan about things rather than allow them to fester. Americans prefer to hide behind an unnaturally white smile until it all becomes too much at which point they end up in therapy taking expensive anti depressants. Brits aren’t allowed to boast or feel good about their successes in case that upsets less successful members of society, it’s considered uncouth. Americans aren’t allow to be unsuccessful or content with mediocrity because then they’re losers. And then the happy middle ground is occupied by other Northern Europeans who have less entrenched class structures and are just generally more open and honest.

Edited by djc206 on Sunday 19th December 15:29

[austinsmirk]

You could always shoot some guns in the air. Or at each other. Or at anyone who looks a bit foreign and then cite home defence.

Or eat your own body weight in burgers.

Or sue someone for a billion dollars for hurting your feelings.

But yes, the English don’t do false cheeriness well.

Anyway. Have a nice day y’all.

[23.7]

mr_spock said:

23.7 said:

Yes but you did vote for Donald Trump, then Joe Biden.

Live long and prosper

(am I doing this right)

ETA

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Smile-Die-Positive-Thinki...

Edited by 23.7 on Sunday 19th December 14:59

I'm British so I didn't vote for either of them. Also it can't be just me or my wife wouldn't get the impression that we all do it, my friends wouldn't do it and neither would my family.

Well someone did.

[Stuart70]

Never mind Americans, as a Scot, I have never understood all the bloody happiness and joyfulness amongst the English.
Just calm down and get on with it and keep an eye out for the next misery to arise!

Just saying.

[mr_spock]

djc206 said:

I think generally British people prefer to have a good moan about things rather than allow them to fester. Americans prefer to hide behind an unnaturally white smile until it all becomes too much at which point they end up in therapy taking expensive anti depressants. Brits aren’t allowed to boast or feel good about their successes in case that upsets less successful members of society, it’s considered uncouth. Americans aren’t allow to be unsuccessful or content with mediocrity because then they’re losers. And then the happy middle ground is occupied by other Northern Europeans who have less entrenched class structures and are just generally more open and honest.

Edited by djc206 on Sunday 19th December 15:29

My American friends and colleagues are surprisingly open. Really not false at all, but I don't live on one of the coasts where it may be a bit more like that.

I agree that we aren't allowed to be proud of our achievements. Win 1M on the lottery and it's "well done (now give me some)", build a business and sell it for 1M and you've exploited the working class and don't deserve any of it.

[Royal Jelly]

djc206 said:

I think generally British people prefer to have a good moan about things rather than allow them to fester. Americans prefer to hide behind an unnaturally white smile until it all becomes too much at which point they end up in therapy taking expensive anti depressants. Brits aren’t allowed to boast or feel good about their successes in case that upsets less successful members of society, it’s considered uncouth. Americans aren’t allow to be unsuccessful or content with mediocrity because then they’re losers. And then the happy middle ground is occupied by other Northern Europeans who have less entrenched class structures and are just generally more open and honest.

Edited by djc206 on Sunday 19th December 15:29

This is a particularly astute post.
Agree with all of that, having lived there for a few years (and married to a yank who’s far too happy

[Royal Jelly]

mr_spock said:

My American friends and colleagues are surprisingly open. Really not false at all, but I don't live on one of the coasts where it may be a bit more like that.

It’s a generalisation, just like brits’ lack of overt happiness..

Americans are certainly more open than we are. Whether that’s finances, emotions, beliefs…

Love both countries, to be honest. Plenty of issues to be found either side of the Atlantic, but I was early twenties when I moved there and I was surprised at the culture shock that I (naively) wasn’t expecting.

[Alex_225]

I think the British are just very aware of bragging or coming off as if they're showing off.

Ironic that the humble brag on social media is such a common occurrence!

[digger_R]

The last bastion of truth is urban dictionary -

Whinging Pom:
A person of British origin who will consistently complain about any situation that they may face. They are emotionally unable to deal with any sort of adverse condition without commenting negatively about it.

[mr_spock]

Alex_225 said:

I think the British are just very aware of bragging or coming off as if they're showing off.

Ironic that the humble brag on social media is such a common occurrence!

Maybe. But I don't think that's what I'm getting at. For example, I have worked hard, had some stressful jobs but have managed to be successful enough in my profession that I'm fairly comfortable and can afford nice things. My wife has spent years getting qualifications and working her way up through the ranks and now earns a great income, so between us we're doing well. But I feel one is always expected to say "I was lucky" - no, I worked hard, took the knocks, learned, and I'm sufficiently smart and educated to be able to do my role. Even typing it sounds embarassing though, but it's not bragging, it's the truth. My kids won't get on by being lucky but by working towards their goals (although there's the old saying that "the harder I work, the luckier I get").

So I'm getting at the idea that every "look I got this cool thing" or "what a lovely day" has to be offset with something negative or some other deflection.

[Hoofy]

No, I recognise that in me. I didn't realise it was cultural. I stop doing that "but" thing now, just trained myself to do it.

"Nice car."
"Thanks but it needs new tyres in 4000 miles."

I now just say, "Thanks, yeah, it's good fun to drive." or whatever.

[mr_spock]

Hoofy said:

No, I recognise that in me. I didn't realise it was cultural. I stop doing that "but" thing now, just trained myself to do it.

"Nice car."
"Thanks but it needs new tyres in 4000 miles."

I now just say, "Thanks, yeah, it's good fun to drive." or whatever.

This - how did you train yourself out of it?

[MiseryStreak]

If I was feeling charitable I’d say the Brits like to vent. Not bottle things up but instead release the pressure of our gripes in a constant verbal exhaust. Whereas we will keep to ourselves the things that please and satisfy our discerning tastes.

If I was more honest though, I’d say we’re a bunch of miserable, moaning s.

I don’t actually mind this though, as I am more guilty than most of this outwardly negative behaviour. I believe it’s because I’m actually an optimist and just constantly disappointed by the less than ideal reality that follows my high expectations.

Like traffic, for example. I have an idyllic notion of a perfect drive on deserted country roads, and then have to wait at the top of my road just to join a queue of weekend zombies, the Sundead.

What I don’t display or understand is the petty envy that Brits often display. wker signs at Ferraris etc. This is such ugly behaviour and deeply uncool. I prefer the Italian reaction to seeing a Supercar on the road.

[AlexC1981]

You can't just go telling people how great your life is without tempering it somehow, even if it is the truth