Becoming a single dad at xmas.
Discussion
I've decided to post a new thread as I felt I was cluttering then other thread.
Originally posted here :
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
Well I've been left as a single dad to two kids (3 months + 15 months) over Christmas. Their mum has a drinking problem and went on a bender Wednesday night and ended up in hospital. This isn't the first time (its been roughly every 10 days for last 6 months) Social services have been involved for a few months due to her drinking and gave me an ultimatum that it's basically her or the kids as she is doing damage to herself and by extension the kids.
She's (OH) currently at her parents house who are basically wrapping her up in cotton wool and making sure she is looked after, and I'm being made to feel like the bad guy for taking steps to protect the kids.
Feel quite alone atm.
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To be honest it’s been really really nice taking care of the kids the last few days, they’re smashing and it’s been nice to cater to them. Not sure if they have noticed mum isn’t around but they’re being taken care of.
Currently under pressure via phone to go over to the (maternal) grandparents for Xmas day, we were going to go over anyway and the kids presents are there. Hmm
As a small update, I've had my OH on the phone a minute ago shouting the odds, saying I'm nasty for stopping her seeing the kids etc. I (calmly) pointed out it was her choice to get black out drunk at the roughest pub in town and ending up in an ambulance and she had been warned countless times that this would happen by both myself and SS. It went in one ear and out the other.
I'm at a loss as to what to do really, I feel like tomorrow might descend into chaos if she has the same attitude but there is a part of me who wants to do the "right" thing and go over there for Christmas Day for the kids sake.
Originally posted here :
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
Well I've been left as a single dad to two kids (3 months + 15 months) over Christmas. Their mum has a drinking problem and went on a bender Wednesday night and ended up in hospital. This isn't the first time (its been roughly every 10 days for last 6 months) Social services have been involved for a few months due to her drinking and gave me an ultimatum that it's basically her or the kids as she is doing damage to herself and by extension the kids.
She's (OH) currently at her parents house who are basically wrapping her up in cotton wool and making sure she is looked after, and I'm being made to feel like the bad guy for taking steps to protect the kids.
Feel quite alone atm.
---
To be honest it’s been really really nice taking care of the kids the last few days, they’re smashing and it’s been nice to cater to them. Not sure if they have noticed mum isn’t around but they’re being taken care of.
Currently under pressure via phone to go over to the (maternal) grandparents for Xmas day, we were going to go over anyway and the kids presents are there. Hmm
As a small update, I've had my OH on the phone a minute ago shouting the odds, saying I'm nasty for stopping her seeing the kids etc. I (calmly) pointed out it was her choice to get black out drunk at the roughest pub in town and ending up in an ambulance and she had been warned countless times that this would happen by both myself and SS. It went in one ear and out the other.
I'm at a loss as to what to do really, I feel like tomorrow might descend into chaos if she has the same attitude but there is a part of me who wants to do the "right" thing and go over there for Christmas Day for the kids sake.
Merry Christmas to you and your family, sounds like a very tough time.
You'll get more engagement here mate...
https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/dadsnet
You'll get more engagement here mate...
https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/dadsnet
You're doing a stirling job, I have a similar situation albeit cocaine and the neglect that comes with it, although she seems to hold it together enough to appear outwardly capable.
You're obviously doing the best you can, I can offer no advice other than keep doing what you're doing and quite rightly thinking every decision you make is in the best interest of your kids.
You're not alone.
You're obviously doing the best you can, I can offer no advice other than keep doing what you're doing and quite rightly thinking every decision you make is in the best interest of your kids.
You're not alone.
Very sorry to hear this OP.
Sounds like Social Services are doing the right thing (it is serious when they get to separating a mother from kids)
I can only think that one option might be mediation with her only getting any access if she seeks treatment and can prove sobriety for a period.
Kids have rights, parents have responsibilities and she is failing in hers; focusing on their well being first is critical.
Sounds like Social Services are doing the right thing (it is serious when they get to separating a mother from kids)
I can only think that one option might be mediation with her only getting any access if she seeks treatment and can prove sobriety for a period.
Kids have rights, parents have responsibilities and she is failing in hers; focusing on their well being first is critical.
thatsprettyshady said:
I've decided to post a new thread as I felt I was cluttering then other thread.
Originally posted here :
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
Well I've been left as a single dad to two kids (3 months + 15 months) over Christmas. Their mum has a drinking problem and went on a bender Wednesday night and ended up in hospital. This isn't the first time (its been roughly every 10 days for last 6 months) Social services have been involved for a few months due to her drinking and gave me an ultimatum that it's basically her or the kids as she is doing damage to herself and by extension the kids.
She's (OH) currently at her parents house who are basically wrapping her up in cotton wool and making sure she is looked after, and I'm being made to feel like the bad guy for taking steps to protect the kids.
Feel quite alone atm.
---
To be honest it’s been really really nice taking care of the kids the last few days, they’re smashing and it’s been nice to cater to them. Not sure if they have noticed mum isn’t around but they’re being taken care of.
Currently under pressure via phone to go over to the (maternal) grandparents for Xmas day, we were going to go over anyway and the kids presents are there. Hmm
As a small update, I've had my OH on the phone a minute ago shouting the odds, saying I'm nasty for stopping her seeing the kids etc. I (calmly) pointed out it was her choice to get black out drunk at the roughest pub in town and ending up in an ambulance and she had been warned countless times that this would happen by both myself and SS. It went in one ear and out the other.
I'm at a loss as to what to do really, I feel like tomorrow might descend into chaos if she has the same attitude but there is a part of me who wants to do the "right" thing and go over there for Christmas Day for the kids sake.
I wish you all the best with this situation, it's going to be really hard at times but you can come out the other side stronger and far happier.Originally posted here :
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
Well I've been left as a single dad to two kids (3 months + 15 months) over Christmas. Their mum has a drinking problem and went on a bender Wednesday night and ended up in hospital. This isn't the first time (its been roughly every 10 days for last 6 months) Social services have been involved for a few months due to her drinking and gave me an ultimatum that it's basically her or the kids as she is doing damage to herself and by extension the kids.
She's (OH) currently at her parents house who are basically wrapping her up in cotton wool and making sure she is looked after, and I'm being made to feel like the bad guy for taking steps to protect the kids.
Feel quite alone atm.
---
To be honest it’s been really really nice taking care of the kids the last few days, they’re smashing and it’s been nice to cater to them. Not sure if they have noticed mum isn’t around but they’re being taken care of.
Currently under pressure via phone to go over to the (maternal) grandparents for Xmas day, we were going to go over anyway and the kids presents are there. Hmm
As a small update, I've had my OH on the phone a minute ago shouting the odds, saying I'm nasty for stopping her seeing the kids etc. I (calmly) pointed out it was her choice to get black out drunk at the roughest pub in town and ending up in an ambulance and she had been warned countless times that this would happen by both myself and SS. It went in one ear and out the other.
I'm at a loss as to what to do really, I feel like tomorrow might descend into chaos if she has the same attitude but there is a part of me who wants to do the "right" thing and go over there for Christmas Day for the kids sake.
Won't bore you with the full details of my previous situation because this is your battle but in short, my ex and I split up in 2004 (had twin boys) then in 2011, her drinking got to a point where SS became involved & the boys were put on a Child Protection Plan. Many months later, things came to a head & my two (aged 11 at the time) came to live with me that day with the backing of SS, no warnings, no notice. There was some fightback of course from the ex but deep down, I think she knew the chldren were better off with me and ten years later, all has settled down. She sees them regularly, they've gone through A levels, college and now in their final year at Uni. But it was f
king hard work along the way.Best advice I can give is what I was told. Firstly, write everything down in terms of incidents etc. Not sure if you're married (we weren't!) but check for parental responsibility. I guess at the end of the day, it's whether you want the relationship to work or if you're prepared to let it go for the sake of the kids.
Best of luck though.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
You're always both going to be the parents of your kids, regardless, which means you need to be able to maintain a relationship, even if it's not together. Stay calm, be the rock, be rational with her parents, even if she's not rational with you. Hard times ahead, but you WILL get to the other side, wherever that is. Good luck. Don't let it scar your Christmases.
You're always both going to be the parents of your kids, regardless, which means you need to be able to maintain a relationship, even if it's not together. Stay calm, be the rock, be rational with her parents, even if she's not rational with you. Hard times ahead, but you WILL get to the other side, wherever that is. Good luck. Don't let it scar your Christmases.
toasty said:
I’ve no advice to give but wish you all the best.
I second that. i split from my first wife on Christmas Eve, no kids but it was tough and very strange but got over it. Now happily married for 17 years with a16 year old son.
Take Christmas morning just as it comes, your OH may well be asleep if you go over to the the Grandparents, or see if they'll come to see you without your OH. Or are they defending her.
Sounds like you are doing the right thing, hopefully its the catalyst the kids mum needs to get proper help (unfortunately unlikely).
I had a mother very much like this and didn't get off the booze until she was in her 50s, her partner eventually died from booze too. She now finds herself in a care home in her 60s and sees her granddaughter once a year.
I had a mother very much like this and didn't get off the booze until she was in her 50s, her partner eventually died from booze too. She now finds herself in a care home in her 60s and sees her granddaughter once a year.
ChocolateFrog said:
Doesn't sound like fun at all.
Do what's right for you and primarily the kids, not the inlaws or the wife or anyone else.
I think I'd take that approach.Do what's right for you and primarily the kids, not the inlaws or the wife or anyone else.
Be strong, perhaps set a time when you will leave the in-laws so everyone is at least informed and aware before you ask the kids to get ready to leave.
Thanks for the advice all. The grandparents are just as frustrated as everyone else but they are trying their best to look after their daughter which I don’t hold against them.
The grandparents live abroad but have a house here, they’re going back home in a few days and I think they want everything tied up nicely by then so are putting pressure on me, they want their daughter living here with the kids and not at their house. Unfortunately we have been in a cycle for months where my OH (not wife btw) is continually drinking, drunk around the kids etc and it’s not great for the kids at all. It has to stop.
The grandparents live abroad but have a house here, they’re going back home in a few days and I think they want everything tied up nicely by then so are putting pressure on me, they want their daughter living here with the kids and not at their house. Unfortunately we have been in a cycle for months where my OH (not wife btw) is continually drinking, drunk around the kids etc and it’s not great for the kids at all. It has to stop.
thatsprettyshady said:
Thanks for the advice all. The grandparents are just as frustrated as everyone else but they are trying their best to look after their daughter which I don’t hold against them.
The grandparents live abroad but have a house here, they’re going back home in a few days and I think they want everything tied up nicely by then so are putting pressure on me, they want their daughter living here with the kids and not at their house. Unfortunately we have been in a cycle for months where my OH (not wife btw) is continually drinking, drunk around the kids etc and it’s not great for the kids at all. It has to stop.
Will she see a doctor? With 2 very young kids, post natal depression is possible as a route cause or trigger?The grandparents live abroad but have a house here, they’re going back home in a few days and I think they want everything tied up nicely by then so are putting pressure on me, they want their daughter living here with the kids and not at their house. Unfortunately we have been in a cycle for months where my OH (not wife btw) is continually drinking, drunk around the kids etc and it’s not great for the kids at all. It has to stop.
(I am not a doctor)
Don't be pressured by your OH, your in-laws or anyone else into doing anything other than what's in the best interests of the children. Alcoholics lie, manipulate, gaslight and connive with others to make it seem as if their behaviour is normal and everyone else is being unreasonable. All they are interested in is getting access to booze with as little impact to their life as possible but, ultimately, the booze will win out and they won't care who they hurt to get it.
Sounds like you've got SS on side, which is great. Forget all fanciful notions that she'll recover/that she should be in the children's lives; cut her loose and give your children a decent start in life.
Sounds like you've got SS on side, which is great. Forget all fanciful notions that she'll recover/that she should be in the children's lives; cut her loose and give your children a decent start in life.
Shady, you’re in an incredibly tough position. I feel your pain and it’s a lonely place to be. Your wife is not herself - she is ill and needs professional help.
But you need help too. You are not the first husband and father to be in this position, so please know you’re not alone. Call Al-Anon and get some advice. They are volunteers who have been where you are. Or call The Samaritans. The sad thing is you’re unlikely to get understanding from her family right now, as they just won’t appreciate what you’ve been going through. There will be a way through this, but you need to get help.
Stay strong. This is far from easy and you’re probably exhausted, frustrated, at a loss, lonely…But you’re doing the right thing looking after your kids. And things can get so much better. But please get some help, some for your wife, and crucially, some for YOU.
But you need help too. You are not the first husband and father to be in this position, so please know you’re not alone. Call Al-Anon and get some advice. They are volunteers who have been where you are. Or call The Samaritans. The sad thing is you’re unlikely to get understanding from her family right now, as they just won’t appreciate what you’ve been going through. There will be a way through this, but you need to get help.
Stay strong. This is far from easy and you’re probably exhausted, frustrated, at a loss, lonely…But you’re doing the right thing looking after your kids. And things can get so much better. But please get some help, some for your wife, and crucially, some for YOU.
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