Talk about inheritance or not?
Discussion
I’m a bit embarrassed posting this, but there is quite a big article in the Sunday Times today about inheritance and it has got me worried now about whether I should be discussing it with my folks and I wonder whether anyone else has done so?
My take on it has always been that it is their money, their business and theirs to do with what they want when the time inevitably comes. I don’t expect anything and find it all a bit distasteful tbh, but I gather lots of other parents freely discuss their situation with the kids and have never done so with my parents or the in-laws. I should add we have great relations with both my folks and the in-laws and both of us have several siblings and have always been treated fairly by our folks. My aim with my own kids is just to tell them at a suitable time.
My parents and the in-laws are all (touching wood) in good health despite rapidly heading towards their 80s. I probably sound like a grasping t
t seeing pound signs as his folks get older, but nothing could be further from the truth-I just wonder whether I should be talking about it like others seem to be? I should say my folks are incredibly socially conscious (without being woke!) and wouldn’t be surprised if they gave their estate to a charitable cause anyway. Is it worth raising or just continue as I am doing and say/assume nothing?
It’s not mega bucks but both sets of parents are comfortable enough lower middle class although definitely not rich, if estates were divided equally with all siblings it would probably be a few hundred k from each side of the family. What also drove this was some very good friends telling us recently about her admittedly wealthy parents giving her a full rundown and trust paperwork on what she is getting and how etc.
My take on it has always been that it is their money, their business and theirs to do with what they want when the time inevitably comes. I don’t expect anything and find it all a bit distasteful tbh, but I gather lots of other parents freely discuss their situation with the kids and have never done so with my parents or the in-laws. I should add we have great relations with both my folks and the in-laws and both of us have several siblings and have always been treated fairly by our folks. My aim with my own kids is just to tell them at a suitable time.
My parents and the in-laws are all (touching wood) in good health despite rapidly heading towards their 80s. I probably sound like a grasping t
t seeing pound signs as his folks get older, but nothing could be further from the truth-I just wonder whether I should be talking about it like others seem to be? I should say my folks are incredibly socially conscious (without being woke!) and wouldn’t be surprised if they gave their estate to a charitable cause anyway. Is it worth raising or just continue as I am doing and say/assume nothing? It’s not mega bucks but both sets of parents are comfortable enough lower middle class although definitely not rich, if estates were divided equally with all siblings it would probably be a few hundred k from each side of the family. What also drove this was some very good friends telling us recently about her admittedly wealthy parents giving her a full rundown and trust paperwork on what she is getting and how etc.
The only advice i'd give ....
Is to ask for the location of the will and to ask if everything is clear ... for example .. Cremation or burial, Plot location, Preference of wake etc,
If there's a conversation to be had it'll lead on from that and if not .. they'll shut the talk down without incurring any embarrassment
Oh ... and if they say the Will is in the dining room cupboard with all the papers ................ It'll be hidden in the back of the "hat section" of the wardrobe
Is to ask for the location of the will and to ask if everything is clear ... for example .. Cremation or burial, Plot location, Preference of wake etc,
If there's a conversation to be had it'll lead on from that and if not .. they'll shut the talk down without incurring any embarrassment
Oh ... and if they say the Will is in the dining room cupboard with all the papers ................ It'll be hidden in the back of the "hat section" of the wardrobe
Any sensible person approaching 80 yrs old, and who cares at all about the st storm that’d follow their passing in any case without proper arrangements, or HMRC swiping as much as they can… will have either sorted already, or will have engaged the recipients.
I suppose it all depends on siblings, complexities, size of estate etc… but it definitely needs planning.
The more it’s talked about the more everyone understands what’s going on, comes to terms with it, find the best solutions etc.
Otherwise it all goes crap on the day they suddenly die, and your loved ones are left with the emotional loss/grief, intertwined with the money, which is indeed unpleasant and really is completely avoidable.
But yet it seems head in the sand, stiff upper lip, avoid emotions (though not in the end!), is the way many old people want to roll.
t storm that’d follow their passing in any case without proper arrangements, or HMRC swiping as much as they can… will have either sorted already, or will have engaged the recipients.I suppose it all depends on siblings, complexities, size of estate etc… but it definitely needs planning.
The more it’s talked about the more everyone understands what’s going on, comes to terms with it, find the best solutions etc.
Otherwise it all goes crap on the day they suddenly die, and your loved ones are left with the emotional loss/grief, intertwined with the money, which is indeed unpleasant and really is completely avoidable.
But yet it seems head in the sand, stiff upper lip, avoid emotions (though not in the end!), is the way many old people want to roll.
NorthDave said:
I would assume it is down to the person who's will it is to initiate the conversation. You could try and force the issue, like someone says above, by asking about its location but I think it's up to them to initiate chat about the details.
When I’m dead, dear children whom I love, and I assume love me.Well, here is a bit of paper about how it all goes down… this is the first you’ll hear of it, because I’m an emotionally stunted parent who thinks this is for the best.
You’ll be suffering trauma and loss unique to the loss of a parent, but now I’m also throwing in the potential for all manner of other emotions tied into that grief, by putting you at potential logger heads with other loved ones or siblings.
Yes I love you all, and this is the best way to approach all this.
Now if you have any questions about these decisions, you’ll never be able to get an answer. Even small things that may not have monetary value but are material or sentimental, may go awry or lead to battles with other loved ones at the worst possible time.
I’m glad my parents are well adjusted.
I feel terrible for all those people with parents like this, and who had abs brought up their previous children to be too polite to ask about what happens when their own dear parents die!
Once you’ve watched a child or parent fade away and die in front of you maybe your perspective changes… but my god are some people in denial about their own death and being loving to their families.
My parents and I have openly discussed it, discussed if their current asset allocation makes sense from both our perspectives, and if it's better overall for them to pay CGT, or leave an asset invested and accept the estate will pay IHT on it. Similarly we are aware of what is in the others portfolios so we diversify across them.
We both know people where there has been no discussion, and no end of headaches where the now deceased had tried to be "helpful" and failed miserably.
Does depends enormously on having the right kind of relationship with your relatives though, and a joint goal of tax/finance efficiency.
We both know people where there has been no discussion, and no end of headaches where the now deceased had tried to be "helpful" and failed miserably.
Does depends enormously on having the right kind of relationship with your relatives though, and a joint goal of tax/finance efficiency.
Mr Whippy said:
assumptions
I've had a conversation in as much as I know where the will is and that I am a joint executor. I don't need to know the details - that's their business. Whether they have left me everything or nothing I don't really care at this point. Tax etc is none of my business. They can arrange their affairs as they see fit.
Mr Whippy said:
Any sensible person approaching 80 yrs old, and who cares at all about the st storm that’d follow their passing in any case without proper arrangements, or HMRC swiping as much as they can… will have either sorted already, or will have engaged the recipients.
I suppose it all depends on siblings, complexities, size of estate etc… but it definitely needs planning.
The more it’s talked about the more everyone understands what’s going on, comes to terms with it, find the best solutions etc.
Otherwise it all goes crap on the day they suddenly die, and your loved ones are left with the emotional loss/grief, intertwined with the money, which is indeed unpleasant and really is completely avoidable.
But yet it seems head in the sand, stiff upper lip, avoid emotions (though not in the end!), is the way many old people want to roll.
Agree totally with this. t storm that’d follow their passing in any case without proper arrangements, or HMRC swiping as much as they can… will have either sorted already, or will have engaged the recipients.I suppose it all depends on siblings, complexities, size of estate etc… but it definitely needs planning.
The more it’s talked about the more everyone understands what’s going on, comes to terms with it, find the best solutions etc.
Otherwise it all goes crap on the day they suddenly die, and your loved ones are left with the emotional loss/grief, intertwined with the money, which is indeed unpleasant and really is completely avoidable.
But yet it seems head in the sand, stiff upper lip, avoid emotions (though not in the end!), is the way many old people want to roll.
Mr whippy is spot on with his posts. 100%
I am going through this exact scenario he paints at present.
My dads apathy and willful blindness in his lasts years to money ... he would rather leave cash and property to the tax man than his family.
I loved my dad but he had more money than sense sadly.
Some old people, like my dad , are convinced they will live forever. Straight up they do.
Having made the first 10pc iht payment recently we do not now have enough money left to engrave the family stone to give you an example....
Sore subject with me as you lose control to solicitors and hmrc as well a bit.
When you hit 70 you should give it away and get poorer.
My f.i.l is the total opposite and has it all planned.
Bring it up. Try. Please.
I am going through this exact scenario he paints at present.
My dads apathy and willful blindness in his lasts years to money ... he would rather leave cash and property to the tax man than his family.
I loved my dad but he had more money than sense sadly.
Some old people, like my dad , are convinced they will live forever. Straight up they do.
Having made the first 10pc iht payment recently we do not now have enough money left to engrave the family stone to give you an example....
Sore subject with me as you lose control to solicitors and hmrc as well a bit.
When you hit 70 you should give it away and get poorer.
My f.i.l is the total opposite and has it all planned.
Bring it up. Try. Please.
My dad has told me where the will is if something were to happen, they've said that everything will be left to the two grandchildren which is fine by me as we'll be ok without any cash from parents and theoretically wont have to worry about passing great sums down to our child and can retire early.
I assume that im the executor as they don't get on very will with my brother. All me and my partner have asked is that the money be left in trust to the kids with us as trustees (to hopefully protect them somewhat in the future against a gold digging partner).
Im not sure if I as executor could do this with the cash though if it isn't expressly stated in the will? in which case do i need to bring it up?
I assume that im the executor as they don't get on very will with my brother. All me and my partner have asked is that the money be left in trust to the kids with us as trustees (to hopefully protect them somewhat in the future against a gold digging partner).
Im not sure if I as executor could do this with the cash though if it isn't expressly stated in the will? in which case do i need to bring it up?
The whole will/estate planning was done long ago, and of course OH has 100% knowledge of everything and has the will. (She has one too, but is ten years younger than I am so probability is that she will survive me by a decade or two. For various tax reason that is a trust involved on my side and she has a separate estate. My only son will get about 10% of the investables when I pop off, and the whole thing when she goes. Her estate goes to her nephew and niece. All done formally and is revised periodically.
It’s alwAys a touchy subject but one worth talking about.
I believe you don’t have to know the contents of the will but know where it is located along with other important paperwork and information about their burial if they have requested anything.
When covid first hit and people were dropping like flies it made some of my family open up a lot more and get things in order.
Ultimately it’s up to them but it makes your life easier.
I believe you don’t have to know the contents of the will but know where it is located along with other important paperwork and information about their burial if they have requested anything.
When covid first hit and people were dropping like flies it made some of my family open up a lot more and get things in order.
Ultimately it’s up to them but it makes your life easier.
Iv had one conversation with my dad, he said if I died now then I'd be a rich boy. However he plans on spending the lot haha. I agreed saying spend the lot so the goverment don't take 40%. So they currently are doing just that travelling the world 3 weeks at a time. Its wonderful and I'd want nothing less.
hotchy said:
Iv had one conversation with my dad, he said if I died now then I'd be a rich boy. However he plans on spending the lot haha. I agreed saying spend the lot so the goverment don't take 40%. So they currently are doing just that travelling the world 3 weeks at a time. Its wonderful and I'd want nothing less.
Must admit I told my folks that aswell a few years back 
I have a copy of my parents will but ive never looked at it, they asked me to store it just in case but I don't want to particularly know the contents.
I dont expect any inheritance having seen grandparents end up in care homes and their money dissappear on care home costs.
A guy who I work with is actively counting on his parents dying to pay off his own mortgage in the future, as far as I am aware he has no reason to think that will happen any time soon, seems a perverse position but he's quite open about it.
I dont expect any inheritance having seen grandparents end up in care homes and their money dissappear on care home costs.
A guy who I work with is actively counting on his parents dying to pay off his own mortgage in the future, as far as I am aware he has no reason to think that will happen any time soon, seems a perverse position but he's quite open about it.
RDMcG said:
The whole will/estate planning was done long ago, and of course OH has 100% knowledge of everything and has the will. (She has one too, but is ten years younger than I am so probability is that she will survive me by a decade or two. For various tax reason that is a trust involved on my side and she has a separate estate. My only son will get about 10% of the investables when I pop off, and the whole thing when she goes. Her estate goes to her nephew and niece. All done formally and is revised periodically.
Is that possible (the 10% now and the rest later)? I thought it was always a big risk that the surviving partner can just change the will so that all the money goes to their own kids instead once the partner has passed away?Gassing Station | Finance | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff