You want to change every aspect of your life?
Discussion
No. And I don't believe it is possible.
Life isn't a computer game.
What we are today is the culmination of everything that has gone before, all those experiences; good and bad shaping who we are.
The reason people get wrapped up in their Children is because as a parent, that's what you must do. It's part of the job description. If you don't have kids and your friends do then it's natural for you to drift away a bit. That's fine. If you do have kids and don't want to get wrapped up in them, well, tough.
And what if you did manage to change every aspect of your life but then found you didn't like the new one and in fact, preferred the old?
If your post is intended as nothing other than a conversation starter, then fine. But if there's some other 'between the lines' stuff going on, you may be better to post in the Health Matters section.
Life isn't a computer game.
What we are today is the culmination of everything that has gone before, all those experiences; good and bad shaping who we are.
The reason people get wrapped up in their Children is because as a parent, that's what you must do. It's part of the job description. If you don't have kids and your friends do then it's natural for you to drift away a bit. That's fine. If you do have kids and don't want to get wrapped up in them, well, tough.
And what if you did manage to change every aspect of your life but then found you didn't like the new one and in fact, preferred the old?
If your post is intended as nothing other than a conversation starter, then fine. But if there's some other 'between the lines' stuff going on, you may be better to post in the Health Matters section.
Edited by StevieBee on Thursday 6th January 10:04
I pondered the same while watching the new Bond film, when he's retired to Jamaica, and I think I'd find it very difficult, as appealing as something like that is. I don't know if I could bear to get rid of my classic cars, and that would leave links to the people I know because of them, and the things I do with them. That said, I struggle to break the habit of having an extra pint on a Sunday night, or having particular meals on particular days, so I may not be the person to ask.
Personally no, but I think lots of people could get to that place.
I don't think it's possible to change people, but I do think they can change themselves.
Little Timmy didn't ask to be born and certainly didn't ask to be abandoned by a 50% partner in bringing him into the world, and he has all the same concerns, responsibilities and feelings of being stuck in a rut ahead of him and deserves willing and enthusiastic parenting and guidance.
From the comfort of my own position it does sound like throwing the baby out with the bathwater and a definite case of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence. I am very sceptical that you will find happiness by effectively running away from your past and present. Nothing will ever seem good enough until you can find some contentment in what you have.
Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel? Perhaps they feel unsupported and taken for granted too. Psychiatrists deal with trying to find combinations of drugs to fix your brain, but a good psychologist can help you understand how you are thinking and how certain thought patterns build new neural pathways to help you keep getting to the same thoughts all the time. Spending some money with a professional psychologist might be a damn sight cheaper and much more reversible than bailing out on everything you know.
I don't think it's possible to change people, but I do think they can change themselves.
Little Timmy didn't ask to be born and certainly didn't ask to be abandoned by a 50% partner in bringing him into the world, and he has all the same concerns, responsibilities and feelings of being stuck in a rut ahead of him and deserves willing and enthusiastic parenting and guidance.
From the comfort of my own position it does sound like throwing the baby out with the bathwater and a definite case of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence. I am very sceptical that you will find happiness by effectively running away from your past and present. Nothing will ever seem good enough until you can find some contentment in what you have.
Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel? Perhaps they feel unsupported and taken for granted too. Psychiatrists deal with trying to find combinations of drugs to fix your brain, but a good psychologist can help you understand how you are thinking and how certain thought patterns build new neural pathways to help you keep getting to the same thoughts all the time. Spending some money with a professional psychologist might be a damn sight cheaper and much more reversible than bailing out on everything you know.
Not everything but significant bits. Wavy screen...
...as 1983 enters 1984 a very, very poorly Noise is at last diagnosed and within 24hrs of treatment is on the mend.
After a month or so of recuperation at parents I went back to work and shared flat.
As I returned to the flat, been in it since a student, and the job, through student apprentice & graduation I had that epiphany. Triggered I think by that recovery above.
Got to move on.
Moved flat to shared house and within 3 months job, town and of thus another home, lodger in house with owner this time.
...as 1983 enters 1984 a very, very poorly Noise is at last diagnosed and within 24hrs of treatment is on the mend.
After a month or so of recuperation at parents I went back to work and shared flat.
As I returned to the flat, been in it since a student, and the job, through student apprentice & graduation I had that epiphany. Triggered I think by that recovery above.
Got to move on.
Moved flat to shared house and within 3 months job, town and of thus another home, lodger in house with owner this time.
I have a mate who went through something along those lines. Three kids; married; nice house.
The problem was that he was working in town a lot and on a very good salary. He soon realised that with the world at his feet he might have married too young. It was also that culturally, he and his wife were quite different animals.
Cue: extra coital activity; recreational substances... entertaining clients... late nights etc etc. This eventually led to meeting a woman who was coming out of a failed marriage.
They're now an item and he's much happier being with her. Unfortunately, he doesn't see his kids as much as you would expect/think; he doesn't even have that much of a relationship (this was happening way before the event in any case).
Is he happy? I think so. Is he in denial? Quite possibly. I don't see him as much as I once did.
The problem was that he was working in town a lot and on a very good salary. He soon realised that with the world at his feet he might have married too young. It was also that culturally, he and his wife were quite different animals.
Cue: extra coital activity; recreational substances... entertaining clients... late nights etc etc. This eventually led to meeting a woman who was coming out of a failed marriage.
They're now an item and he's much happier being with her. Unfortunately, he doesn't see his kids as much as you would expect/think; he doesn't even have that much of a relationship (this was happening way before the event in any case).
Is he happy? I think so. Is he in denial? Quite possibly. I don't see him as much as I once did.
I could add that my wife's father did this, now I think about it.
She's spoken to him once since he walked out on her, and that was just to tell him she thought he was a weapons grade a
hole. Ironically, the absolutely piss poor example of parents she had has made her determined to be as good a parent to our children as she can be.
She wouldn't piss down her father's throat if his lungs were on fire now though - she understands he mentally wasn't up to the task, but considers that it's not her fault he decided after the fact that he didn't want her after all. He probably doesn't care.
She's spoken to him once since he walked out on her, and that was just to tell him she thought he was a weapons grade a
hole. Ironically, the absolutely piss poor example of parents she had has made her determined to be as good a parent to our children as she can be.She wouldn't piss down her father's throat if his lungs were on fire now though - she understands he mentally wasn't up to the task, but considers that it's not her fault he decided after the fact that he didn't want her after all. He probably doesn't care.
No, just a couple of things could do with improving.
Thing is, if everything needs changing, it might be worthwhile looking within because "the grass is always greener"...
I regularly witness people changing things and still being miserable. Sure, they're happy for a little while (weeks, months?) but then they're back to being miserable and dissatisfied.
Thing is, if everything needs changing, it might be worthwhile looking within because "the grass is always greener"...
I regularly witness people changing things and still being miserable. Sure, they're happy for a little while (weeks, months?) but then they're back to being miserable and dissatisfied.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
You get one life so you can suck it up and get on with it and just plod along or you can make changes.Address the relationship, try to spark a bit of excitement into it.
If little Timmy is your own kid and everything gets changed because poorly maybe change your own view point. Do you know any parent whos lost a kid? Or cant have a kid. Do you know how happy they would be if they could have that film and movie day with their kid being poorly.
I find focusing and being grateful for what I have rather than lusting over what I haven't makes me happier overall.
You could leave everything, could start again but whats to say that it will be better. Could try a double life for a bit then pick the one you prefer.
jamieduff1981 said:
I could add that my wife's father did this, now I think about it.
She's spoken to him once since he walked out on her, and that was just to tell him she thought he was a weapons grade ahole. Ironically, the absolutely piss poor example of parents she had has made her determined to be as good a parent to our children as she can be.
She wouldn't piss down her father's throat if his lungs were on fire now though - she understands he mentally wasn't up to the task, but considers that it's not her fault he decided after the fact that he didn't want her after all. He probably doesn't care.
My father is law is very similar. Turned his back on all his friends and family for the good life.She's spoken to him once since he walked out on her, and that was just to tell him she thought he was a weapons grade a
hole. Ironically, the absolutely piss poor example of parents she had has made her determined to be as good a parent to our children as she can be.She wouldn't piss down her father's throat if his lungs were on fire now though - she understands he mentally wasn't up to the task, but considers that it's not her fault he decided after the fact that he didn't want her after all. He probably doesn't care.
Which actually isn't so good, now he's a lonely, old and decrepit b
d waiting to die alone.Wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face - Bruce Springsteen.
I think as we get older we all at some point wish we'd taken a different road at the crossroads but at the time, the road we took seemed the right one either by choice or circumstance.
In my case a previous marriage just faded, I think as we grew older we changed.
Now remarried, in 2004, and we've relocated to other parts of the UK and are now about 250 mile from friends and family in very different surroundings.
Still love my older cars and motorsport but getting to the point where I have the knowledge to do most jobs but no longer have either the enthusiasm and physically, the getting under a car to drop a gearbox or haul out an engine is probably long gone so I can see the sale of my fleet coming. Just strtuggling to find another hobby to take it's place.
I think as we get older we all at some point wish we'd taken a different road at the crossroads but at the time, the road we took seemed the right one either by choice or circumstance.
In my case a previous marriage just faded, I think as we grew older we changed.
Now remarried, in 2004, and we've relocated to other parts of the UK and are now about 250 mile from friends and family in very different surroundings.
Still love my older cars and motorsport but getting to the point where I have the knowledge to do most jobs but no longer have either the enthusiasm and physically, the getting under a car to drop a gearbox or haul out an engine is probably long gone so I can see the sale of my fleet coming. Just strtuggling to find another hobby to take it's place.
Hoofy said:
No, just a couple of things could do with improving.
Thing is, if everything needs changing, it might be worthwhile looking within because "the grass is always greener"...
I regularly witness people changing things and still being miserable. Sure, they're happy for a little while (weeks, months?) but then they're back to being miserable and dissatisfied.
As another poster mentioned, the common denominator is the individual. "The grass is always greener" syndrome is because it's apparently easier - on the surface - to do a Craig David, "I'm just walking away from the troubles in my life .. I'm just walking away" than it is to actually address them. Thing is, if everything needs changing, it might be worthwhile looking within because "the grass is always greener"...
I regularly witness people changing things and still being miserable. Sure, they're happy for a little while (weeks, months?) but then they're back to being miserable and dissatisfied.
I'm oft reminded of the Heraclitus quote, "How can you hide from what never goes away?". Far easier to go through the motions and 'discover' yourself on a beach in Thailand, or somewhere in India, than on a cold, wet day in Slough. Much more strenuous to go through a long process of introspection and self-examination to look towards the person inside yourself and start from there rather than the focus on externalities. The latter appears better for the 'gram.
I do fantasize every now and again, about what I would do if offered a Peggy Sue Got Married scenario. As another poster has mentioned, the individual is the sum of their experiences that have all be indelibly imprinted upon their life. If one pulled upon a strand, would the tapestry of their life completely unravel?
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Agree about the kids stuff. My group of old mates don’t really try organising stuff anymore because people seem to spend thier whole life taking thier kids out and expecting other people to fit in around that. Why do kids need to be taken out all the time? What happened to playing on bikes/colouring in/ Lego etc? I’m not anti kids, far from it, but I do think that adults neglect thier relationship with other adults to thier own detriment. Skyedriver said:
Still love my older cars and motorsport but getting to the point where I have the knowledge to do most jobs but no longer have either the enthusiasm and physically, the getting under a car to drop a gearbox or haul out an engine is probably long gone so I can see the sale of my fleet coming. Just strtuggling to find another hobby to take it's place.
I too have lost my enthusiasm for older cars. At stage in life where I have more time and more disposable income than ever I'm just less and less interested. Even thinking of getting rid of tools and stuffHaving to find excuses to drive them is ridiculous, the club/show seen is boring, I've never been any good at motorsports.
Things change.
Edited by PositronicRay on Thursday 6th January 12:54
Glosphil said:
A friend of mine did a complete life change a few years ago.
Left wife, changed job, moved to another area, severed contact with friends & much less contact with son & daughter.
How did it go? I have no idea.
I did that 21 years ago. I had intended to stay in touch with family but now it's rare,same with most life long pals.Left wife, changed job, moved to another area, severed contact with friends & much less contact with son & daughter.
How did it go? I have no idea.
I just started a new life in another country,divorced but carried on in the same line of work as I'm a tradesman. I got remarried last year.
Very happy.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
I can partially relate to some of the things you say.My whole life now revolves around son of 19 months old. Literally, every weekend is time spent with him entertaining him, dont get me wrong i love it sometimes, but sometimes i do just need a break, a beer in the pub with my dad or a friend, a fishing trip etc just to feel sane.. I can count on one hand how many days I have had were i am just myself and not Dad, We are wary to plan social events because as you state 9 times out of 10 it just so happens child comes down with something. Relationship can feel dull and predictable and taken for granted for sure, we are just carers trying to mould a half decent human being.
Sacrificing everything aspect of my lufe for my child is temporary i feel, eventually some sort of normality will resume. Maybe when they go to school ?
Over the Xmas period we worked on meeting with family/friends regardless of child illness ( luckily he wasnt ) we used to not bother because we assumed the worst all the time.
The house we currently live in is too small at the moment, so my main focus for the next 12 months is getting some sort of plan on how we are going to upsize. We have never had a family holiday that is one thing i want to make happen later this year.
I did plan on writing down this years goals for myself. Things i want to change, first off is my attitude and outlook to be more positive and also to get physically back in shape im sure that will make me feel better about my situation.
I posted recently about arguments that i was having with my partner and in the last couple of month things have been better. Being sleep deprived and working all the time you lose sight of what your actually doing. Xmas was a good time to reflect on that and spend quality time with eachother.
Sounds like you need a holiday or a short break.
markcoznottz said:
Agree about the kids stuff. My group of old mates don’t really try organising stuff anymore because people seem to spend thier whole life taking thier kids out and expecting other people to fit in around that. Why do kids need to be taken out all the time? What happened to playing on bikes/colouring in/ Lego etc? I’m not anti kids, far from it, but I do think that adults neglect thier relationship with other adults to thier own detriment.
Because in my experience ones own kids are bloody brilliant. You get to do stuff you haven't done for years and it's really good fun.Mine are all grown up now but I can't wait for grand kids for the fun to start all over again. Scalextric, Subbuteo etc all in the attic just waiting to have the dust polished off.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Yes but you can't do it all at once imho but more importantly, is it everyone else that is the problem or is it yourself? I found that everyone and everything was grinding my gears but when i looked at it impartially, some of it was home issues, some of it was work issues and quite a large bit of it was down to me - possibly after effects of Long Covid making me realise certain things will never happen now due to pneumonia at the same time - and so consequently i've had to reassess where my head was and change my outlook.This has removed a fair chunk of irritations but still quite a lot left but my choice now is to work round it all as best i can and just ignore what i can't change and if people don't like it or more accurately, won't accept it, then i'll just move on from them.
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