Are you adopted?
Discussion
Have you always known? Have you wanted to trace your birth mother? Do you get on with your adoptive parents?
Here's my story.
I was born to a single mum aged 19 and was a 'forced' adoption as was the case back in the 60s. My adoptive parents were middle class school teachers and ticked all the boxes.
I never really got on with my adoptive father, it was clear he went along with the adoption because my adoptive mother wanted it. He had spent all his life having his mother and maternal grandmother running around for him. When he got married my adoptive mother continued in the same way. He was and is a complete misogynist. I remember being four years old or so and doing something that annoyed him and he saying to my mother "your son has done..." Things like that stick in your head.
My mother died in 2010 and things went rapidly downhill from there. He expected me to take up where my mum had left off. He telephoned often and was only interested in telling me what he had been doing. Or not. He had no interest in my life, my business, my son or how I was coping with an alcoholic wife. In 2015 he sent me via his solicitor a bill itemising all the expenditure bringing me up and asking for immediate repayment or threatening court action. Obviously I ignored it. And him. Then just before Covid another letter from his solicitor and a copy of his will writing me out completely and not being permitted inside his bungalow after his death unless an executor was present. The two executors listed, I doubt he's even asked if they will be executors. Anyway, I made a conscious decision to write him out of my life from then on. I've not made contact since. He still sends Christmas and birthday cards that go straight into the bin unopened. He sent my son an 18th birthday card with a xheque dor the grand sum of £68. Except it couldn't be cashed because the words were sixteen pounds. He's a total embarrassment and I'm glad I don't have to have anything to do with him.
I traced my birth mother in 2020. Quite a journey, only to discover she died in 2015. She never gave up hope of a reconciliation though, her bank PIN was my birthday.
I sometimes wonder if I need to actually talk this through with a professional, because although I'm not depressed or anything, I do get 'down' occasionally when I think of the missed opportunities I should have raken sooner perhaps.
Anyway, if you've read this far, thanks. I just needed to get that off my chest.
Here's my story.
I was born to a single mum aged 19 and was a 'forced' adoption as was the case back in the 60s. My adoptive parents were middle class school teachers and ticked all the boxes.
I never really got on with my adoptive father, it was clear he went along with the adoption because my adoptive mother wanted it. He had spent all his life having his mother and maternal grandmother running around for him. When he got married my adoptive mother continued in the same way. He was and is a complete misogynist. I remember being four years old or so and doing something that annoyed him and he saying to my mother "your son has done..." Things like that stick in your head.
My mother died in 2010 and things went rapidly downhill from there. He expected me to take up where my mum had left off. He telephoned often and was only interested in telling me what he had been doing. Or not. He had no interest in my life, my business, my son or how I was coping with an alcoholic wife. In 2015 he sent me via his solicitor a bill itemising all the expenditure bringing me up and asking for immediate repayment or threatening court action. Obviously I ignored it. And him. Then just before Covid another letter from his solicitor and a copy of his will writing me out completely and not being permitted inside his bungalow after his death unless an executor was present. The two executors listed, I doubt he's even asked if they will be executors. Anyway, I made a conscious decision to write him out of my life from then on. I've not made contact since. He still sends Christmas and birthday cards that go straight into the bin unopened. He sent my son an 18th birthday card with a xheque dor the grand sum of £68. Except it couldn't be cashed because the words were sixteen pounds. He's a total embarrassment and I'm glad I don't have to have anything to do with him.
I traced my birth mother in 2020. Quite a journey, only to discover she died in 2015. She never gave up hope of a reconciliation though, her bank PIN was my birthday.
I sometimes wonder if I need to actually talk this through with a professional, because although I'm not depressed or anything, I do get 'down' occasionally when I think of the missed opportunities I should have raken sooner perhaps.
Anyway, if you've read this far, thanks. I just needed to get that off my chest.
It might be a good idea to seek out a few sessions of Person Centred Therapy.
Get your thoughts and feelings out there. Reflect on stuff.
I am a therapist, and I describe the process to clients as a room with lots of open filing cabinets, bits of paper scattered about. PCT is like picking up the bits of paper having a look through them, then filing them away in some sort of order, just so you know where things are and what’s in the files.
All the very best,
Dan.
Get your thoughts and feelings out there. Reflect on stuff.
I am a therapist, and I describe the process to clients as a room with lots of open filing cabinets, bits of paper scattered about. PCT is like picking up the bits of paper having a look through them, then filing them away in some sort of order, just so you know where things are and what’s in the files.
All the very best,
Dan.
Tyre Smoke said:
Have you always known? Have you wanted to trace your birth mother? Do you get on with your adoptive parents?
Here's my story.
I was born to a single mum aged 19 and was a 'forced' adoption as was the case back in the 60s. My adoptive parents were middle class school teachers and ticked all the boxes.
I never really got on with my adoptive father, it was clear he went along with the adoption because my adoptive mother wanted it. He had spent all his life having his mother and maternal grandmother running around for him. When he got married my adoptive mother continued in the same way. He was and is a complete misogynist. I remember being four years old or so and doing something that annoyed him and he saying to my mother "your son has done..." Things like that stick in your head.
My mother died in 2010 and things went rapidly downhill from there. He expected me to take up where my mum had left off. He telephoned often and was only interested in telling me what he had been doing. Or not. He had no interest in my life, my business, my son or how I was coping with an alcoholic wife. In 2015 he sent me via his solicitor a bill itemising all the expenditure bringing me up and asking for immediate repayment or threatening court action. Obviously I ignored it. And him. Then just before Covid another letter from his solicitor and a copy of his will writing me out completely and not being permitted inside his bungalow after his death unless an executor was present. The two executors listed, I doubt he's even asked if they will be executors. Anyway, I made a conscious decision to write him out of my life from then on. I've not made contact since. He still sends Christmas and birthday cards that go straight into the bin unopened. He sent my son an 18th birthday card with a xheque dor the grand sum of £68. Except it couldn't be cashed because the words were sixteen pounds. He's a total embarrassment and I'm glad I don't have to have anything to do with him.
I traced my birth mother in 2020. Quite a journey, only to discover she died in 2015. She never gave up hope of a reconciliation though, her bank PIN was my birthday.
I sometimes wonder if I need to actually talk this through with a professional, because although I'm not depressed or anything, I do get 'down' occasionally when I think of the missed opportunities I should have raken sooner perhaps.
Anyway, if you've read this far, thanks. I just needed to get that off my chest.
Thanks for posting that, incredibly honest account and I hope it’s helped you in some way. I know a couple of adopted people and they’ve benefited from therapy sessions, what have you got to lose? Here's my story.
I was born to a single mum aged 19 and was a 'forced' adoption as was the case back in the 60s. My adoptive parents were middle class school teachers and ticked all the boxes.
I never really got on with my adoptive father, it was clear he went along with the adoption because my adoptive mother wanted it. He had spent all his life having his mother and maternal grandmother running around for him. When he got married my adoptive mother continued in the same way. He was and is a complete misogynist. I remember being four years old or so and doing something that annoyed him and he saying to my mother "your son has done..." Things like that stick in your head.
My mother died in 2010 and things went rapidly downhill from there. He expected me to take up where my mum had left off. He telephoned often and was only interested in telling me what he had been doing. Or not. He had no interest in my life, my business, my son or how I was coping with an alcoholic wife. In 2015 he sent me via his solicitor a bill itemising all the expenditure bringing me up and asking for immediate repayment or threatening court action. Obviously I ignored it. And him. Then just before Covid another letter from his solicitor and a copy of his will writing me out completely and not being permitted inside his bungalow after his death unless an executor was present. The two executors listed, I doubt he's even asked if they will be executors. Anyway, I made a conscious decision to write him out of my life from then on. I've not made contact since. He still sends Christmas and birthday cards that go straight into the bin unopened. He sent my son an 18th birthday card with a xheque dor the grand sum of £68. Except it couldn't be cashed because the words were sixteen pounds. He's a total embarrassment and I'm glad I don't have to have anything to do with him.
I traced my birth mother in 2020. Quite a journey, only to discover she died in 2015. She never gave up hope of a reconciliation though, her bank PIN was my birthday.
I sometimes wonder if I need to actually talk this through with a professional, because although I'm not depressed or anything, I do get 'down' occasionally when I think of the missed opportunities I should have raken sooner perhaps.
Anyway, if you've read this far, thanks. I just needed to get that off my chest.
Tyre Smoke. I was adopted in the early 70's (from birth). I was the end product of a mixed race fling, my birth mother was 19.
Anyhow, unlike you, my adopted parents were fantastic. I was always very close to my mum, not so much my dad. That was mainly because as I was growing up he worked away in the Middle East and the States, so the opportunity to form the bond wasn't really there. My birth parents never really crossed my mind. I don't recall when I was told, but it was blatantly obvious as I was a small brown and the rest of the men in the family were pasty, white strapping blokes.
Sadly my parents passed a long while back. My mum in 2005 and dad in 2007. As part of my inheritance, there was a box full of all my adoption papers. It was actually quite harrowing. Reading the personal profiles of my birth parents it became quite clear where my physical and personality traits had come from. It inspired me to get in touch with my mother, which I did by post. I didn't say much, just that I'd be happy to have contact if she was, but if not I'd understand.
The reply was a firm but kind no. What really knocked me was that she added that she'd never remarried and had no other children. It left me full of confusion tbh so I've left her alone since then. My dad apparently hot footed it back to India (his home country) when he heard the news and I've not attempted to get in touch.
Anyhow, I'm sorry hear your relationship with your father is bitter. Makes you wonder how thorough the vetting process was in those days?
As above - pm me if you want a chat.
Anyhow, unlike you, my adopted parents were fantastic. I was always very close to my mum, not so much my dad. That was mainly because as I was growing up he worked away in the Middle East and the States, so the opportunity to form the bond wasn't really there. My birth parents never really crossed my mind. I don't recall when I was told, but it was blatantly obvious as I was a small brown and the rest of the men in the family were pasty, white strapping blokes.
Sadly my parents passed a long while back. My mum in 2005 and dad in 2007. As part of my inheritance, there was a box full of all my adoption papers. It was actually quite harrowing. Reading the personal profiles of my birth parents it became quite clear where my physical and personality traits had come from. It inspired me to get in touch with my mother, which I did by post. I didn't say much, just that I'd be happy to have contact if she was, but if not I'd understand.
The reply was a firm but kind no. What really knocked me was that she added that she'd never remarried and had no other children. It left me full of confusion tbh so I've left her alone since then. My dad apparently hot footed it back to India (his home country) when he heard the news and I've not attempted to get in touch.
Anyhow, I'm sorry hear your relationship with your father is bitter. Makes you wonder how thorough the vetting process was in those days?
As above - pm me if you want a chat.
Yes. I'm adopted. I can't recall a time of never knowing this fact and not once has it bothered me in the slightest.
Born in January 1967. Mum and Dad took delivery of me on the 22nd February 1967. I say Mum and Dad because that's exactly what they were and are (though Dad's been gone 12 years now) - the people who raised me, shaped and supported me. All I know of my biological past is that I was born in Norwich. Mum has always said if I wanted to know to ask - she has all the paper work and would be more than willing to hand it all over.
The only time I thought I might 'need' to know was when my Wife fell pregnant with our first and during the initial standard healthcare check we were asked about any known genetic conditions in our families. I explained why I couldn't answer that and that I could find out if needed. They said they'd let me know but never did.
Actually there was another time - when Bernard Matthews died. There was a photo of him as a younger man and noticed some striking similarities - also stories of him being a bit of a lad with the ladies... so putting two and two together, what with the Norwich connection, I thought that I may be in line for a bit of his Turkey fortune.
I have a sister five years younger also adopted. I've not spoken to her for 20 years. Looking back to her younger teenage years, I fully suspect that she developed what we might today refer to as ADHD. Either way, she was cut from an entirely different block and developed traits my parents were not equipped to deal with. My Dad had a heart attack at 44. This was partly due to a genetic condition but triggered by the stress my sister was causing in the house. My mum had to protect my Dad from that stress and I think that my sister resented this and made no bones about seeking out her biological parents. I understand that she tried to find them but without success, despite Mum giving her all the details. I regret what she did to my Dad but hold no ill-will towards her but equally if I never speak or see her again, it won't bother me. I suspect that's a result of the lack of any biological bond.
A couple of years ago, my kids brought me an Ancestry kit. This was primarily because, travelling a lot for work, I often find myself feeling oddly 'at home' when in Eastern Europe. I was once in Moldova and overcome with a sense that I belonged there or that I'd been there before - it just felt right. Similar Romania, Bulgaria... I mentioned my theory that my genetic roots are to be found in those parts so the kids thought it would be fun to find out. Turns out I'm 65% North Wales, 10% North West UK with a bit of Scando' and European Jew thrown in for good measure. Oy Vey, Boyo!
However, from that, I've discovered a load of 2nd and 3rd cousins, some of whom have gotten in touch with me to explore our connections and family history but other than noting physiological similarities, I really have zero interest.
I realise I've been fortunate and grateful for this. I could not have wished for better parents.
I know that many like the OP have not been as fortunate and I am truly sorry for this. I have a friend also adopted with the misfortune of her adoptive parents having been drunk and abusive. She found her birth mother and (stupidly) presented her 49 year self to her unannounced on her doorstep a few years back. That did not end well. And another chap who found out he was adopted after both his adoptive parents had died. Horrible.
From them, what I determined that may be of benefit for the OP, is that they quickly came to terms with the situation and switched their focus on themselves and ignored their past. I'm sure there were some more complex considerations at play but whatever method they deployed, any depressed or malingering thoughts did not last long. If anything, I would say they display stronger resolve and confidence having a) suffered and endured it and b) put the matter to bed.
Born in January 1967. Mum and Dad took delivery of me on the 22nd February 1967. I say Mum and Dad because that's exactly what they were and are (though Dad's been gone 12 years now) - the people who raised me, shaped and supported me. All I know of my biological past is that I was born in Norwich. Mum has always said if I wanted to know to ask - she has all the paper work and would be more than willing to hand it all over.
The only time I thought I might 'need' to know was when my Wife fell pregnant with our first and during the initial standard healthcare check we were asked about any known genetic conditions in our families. I explained why I couldn't answer that and that I could find out if needed. They said they'd let me know but never did.
Actually there was another time - when Bernard Matthews died. There was a photo of him as a younger man and noticed some striking similarities - also stories of him being a bit of a lad with the ladies... so putting two and two together, what with the Norwich connection, I thought that I may be in line for a bit of his Turkey fortune.
I have a sister five years younger also adopted. I've not spoken to her for 20 years. Looking back to her younger teenage years, I fully suspect that she developed what we might today refer to as ADHD. Either way, she was cut from an entirely different block and developed traits my parents were not equipped to deal with. My Dad had a heart attack at 44. This was partly due to a genetic condition but triggered by the stress my sister was causing in the house. My mum had to protect my Dad from that stress and I think that my sister resented this and made no bones about seeking out her biological parents. I understand that she tried to find them but without success, despite Mum giving her all the details. I regret what she did to my Dad but hold no ill-will towards her but equally if I never speak or see her again, it won't bother me. I suspect that's a result of the lack of any biological bond.
A couple of years ago, my kids brought me an Ancestry kit. This was primarily because, travelling a lot for work, I often find myself feeling oddly 'at home' when in Eastern Europe. I was once in Moldova and overcome with a sense that I belonged there or that I'd been there before - it just felt right. Similar Romania, Bulgaria... I mentioned my theory that my genetic roots are to be found in those parts so the kids thought it would be fun to find out. Turns out I'm 65% North Wales, 10% North West UK with a bit of Scando' and European Jew thrown in for good measure. Oy Vey, Boyo!
However, from that, I've discovered a load of 2nd and 3rd cousins, some of whom have gotten in touch with me to explore our connections and family history but other than noting physiological similarities, I really have zero interest.
I realise I've been fortunate and grateful for this. I could not have wished for better parents.
I know that many like the OP have not been as fortunate and I am truly sorry for this. I have a friend also adopted with the misfortune of her adoptive parents having been drunk and abusive. She found her birth mother and (stupidly) presented her 49 year self to her unannounced on her doorstep a few years back. That did not end well. And another chap who found out he was adopted after both his adoptive parents had died. Horrible.
From them, what I determined that may be of benefit for the OP, is that they quickly came to terms with the situation and switched their focus on themselves and ignored their past. I'm sure there were some more complex considerations at play but whatever method they deployed, any depressed or malingering thoughts did not last long. If anything, I would say they display stronger resolve and confidence having a) suffered and endured it and b) put the matter to bed.
Edited by StevieBee on Thursday 3rd February 12:53
What a bizzare situ, some of the things you said remind me of my wife’s dad (she’s not adopted), any thing to do with his kids etc is wimmins work. Cooking cleaning etc he has never done, sits on the sofa all day “where is me dinner” then “this is horrible, you need to loose some weight “ etc etc
He is 64
The solicitor letter is truly bizzare, you’d think any solicitor wouldn’t take that on as you owe him nothing financially, but I guess the solicitor is seeing easy £££ signs somewhere
You have shown remarkable strength by being the better man.
No sensible advice other than keep strong
He is 64
The solicitor letter is truly bizzare, you’d think any solicitor wouldn’t take that on as you owe him nothing financially, but I guess the solicitor is seeing easy £££ signs somewhere
You have shown remarkable strength by being the better man.
No sensible advice other than keep strong
Yes.
Apologies for brevity, but I’m at work.
Did trace my mother about 25 years ago . . . didn’t go well but - in retrospect - I wasn’t mature enough to “do it right”. I’m not usually self-centred, but I went into it thinking it was all about me, I was the “victim”, abandoned, etc etc. Didn’t help that almost the first thing she sent me was a picture of her dog . . . in fact, years later, after she died, I found out how much the dog meant to her. And how awful some aspects of her life were after I was adopted.
In touch with extended family now, and my 11 year old is really excited to have uncles and cousins (otherwise both my wife and I are only children).
Apologies for brevity, but I’m at work.
Did trace my mother about 25 years ago . . . didn’t go well but - in retrospect - I wasn’t mature enough to “do it right”. I’m not usually self-centred, but I went into it thinking it was all about me, I was the “victim”, abandoned, etc etc. Didn’t help that almost the first thing she sent me was a picture of her dog . . . in fact, years later, after she died, I found out how much the dog meant to her. And how awful some aspects of her life were after I was adopted.
In touch with extended family now, and my 11 year old is really excited to have uncles and cousins (otherwise both my wife and I are only children).
Thanks all for your posts so far. Not read them properly yet, will do later when I'm sat at home.
Forgot to add that my adoption papers were quite revealing in that my adoptive father was more interested that I was intelligent than anything else. It does make you wonder how biased things were back then. I know my birth mother eas made to feel ashamed and that she'd brought it on herself and it was for the best that these two middle class school teachers would give me a good home - today I feel like adding a woof there!!
I do feel quite strongly that until I traced my birth mother and true history, that I didn't feel 'complete' a square peg in a round hole if you like. I felt that all these people around me were nice enough, but 'when can I go home?'
Forgot to add that my adoption papers were quite revealing in that my adoptive father was more interested that I was intelligent than anything else. It does make you wonder how biased things were back then. I know my birth mother eas made to feel ashamed and that she'd brought it on herself and it was for the best that these two middle class school teachers would give me a good home - today I feel like adding a woof there!!
I do feel quite strongly that until I traced my birth mother and true history, that I didn't feel 'complete' a square peg in a round hole if you like. I felt that all these people around me were nice enough, but 'when can I go home?'
Wildcat45 said:
It might be a good idea to seek out a few sessions of Person Centred Therapy.
All the very best,
Dan.
Where would I begin to find out about this? All the very best,
Dan.
I do think I need to package all this up and put it away for good.
Obviously as time passes, I'm more accepting of things. I think when my adoptive father finally dies (he's 92 this month) it will be a lot of closure.
WRumbled said:
This isn't the first time you've told your story, suggesting that it's going to keep nagging away at you until you do something else about it.
I'd take up Wildcat's advice. I hope you're able to sort it out, in whatever way works for you.
This is true. And yes, I did mention it some time ago when my father sent my my 'bill' for growing up. At that time I was very hurt angry and upset. I'm none of those things now. I get upset when I think what my birth mother was put through and how despite me having three half sisters and two half brothers, she never gave up on me. I have been lucky on that my eldest younger sister and my youngest younger sister have welcomed me. I've learnt a lot, but it would be a ridiculous lie to say we are close. I'd take up Wildcat's advice. I hope you're able to sort it out, in whatever way works for you.
I have moved on, I'm a very pragmatic chap, but as I get older I do find myself, not maudling, but melancholy if I dwell on things for too long.
I can't totally write off my father though because I am his next of kin and I suppose I will have some responsibility when he dies. If only to ensure that what he's left to my son foes to my son. And that his bungalow is cleared of all his detritus. I would imagine the executors will take a common sense approach and let me get on with it. I know them, they know me, we are the same generation.
Tyre Smoke said:
Wildcat45 said:
It might be a good idea to seek out a few sessions of Person Centred Therapy.
All the very best,
Dan.
Where would I begin to find out about this? All the very best,
Dan.
I do think I need to package all this up and put it away for good.
Obviously as time passes, I'm more accepting of things. I think when my adoptive father finally dies (he's 92 this month) it will be a lot of closure.
My commiserations OP, I'm sorry your adoptive father was such a muppet.
I was born in 1971 and adopted at a few weeks old by my adoptive parents.
My adoptive parents are still alive and are absolutely fantastic - they have always loved and supported me unconditionally, but I was always curious about my birth mother and father.
My adoptive parents were always completely open about the fact that I was adopted and I was aware that I had a different name before I was officially adopted.
At the age of 17, I asked my mum about who my birth mother and father were and was given a piece of paper on which she had written the names of my both my parents and what they looked like.
At the age of 30, I started to try and trace my birth mother by going to registry office and checking if there were any marriages in her name - but the few that were did not match, so she was obviously still single.
A few years ago I used a tracing agency, but they were still unable to locate her, but found one of her brothers (my uncle) - and his son (my biological cousin) got in touch with me after I wrote a letter to my biological uncle.
He gave me some information that enabled me to find out that my mother was in a care home and I tried to initiate contact with her. It turned out however that she had suffered from mental illness at times her life and she did not want to meet me or be in contact with me.
This was a bit of a knock-back, but she seems to have had quite a tough life and is doing what she can to cope mentally, so I cannot criticise her, she has her reasons, I am sure.
Her care coordinator said something that stuck: "There are not many happy endings with adoption stories"
OP, I think you need to talk to a professional about this issue, but it's tough and I understand what you are going through.
I was born in 1971 and adopted at a few weeks old by my adoptive parents.
My adoptive parents are still alive and are absolutely fantastic - they have always loved and supported me unconditionally, but I was always curious about my birth mother and father.
My adoptive parents were always completely open about the fact that I was adopted and I was aware that I had a different name before I was officially adopted.
At the age of 17, I asked my mum about who my birth mother and father were and was given a piece of paper on which she had written the names of my both my parents and what they looked like.
At the age of 30, I started to try and trace my birth mother by going to registry office and checking if there were any marriages in her name - but the few that were did not match, so she was obviously still single.
A few years ago I used a tracing agency, but they were still unable to locate her, but found one of her brothers (my uncle) - and his son (my biological cousin) got in touch with me after I wrote a letter to my biological uncle.
He gave me some information that enabled me to find out that my mother was in a care home and I tried to initiate contact with her. It turned out however that she had suffered from mental illness at times her life and she did not want to meet me or be in contact with me.
This was a bit of a knock-back, but she seems to have had quite a tough life and is doing what she can to cope mentally, so I cannot criticise her, she has her reasons, I am sure.
Her care coordinator said something that stuck: "There are not many happy endings with adoption stories"
OP, I think you need to talk to a professional about this issue, but it's tough and I understand what you are going through.
Thanks all. I will seek a local counsellor next week, I think.
I also forgot to say, I should have seen this coming at an early age. Just after my ninth birthday I was sent away to boarding school. It was all of nine miles from home. I guess they got bored with me. That lasted for two years until I started secondary school where I point blank refused to board. Guess they realised at that point they couldn't rehome me after all.
I also forgot to say, I should have seen this coming at an early age. Just after my ninth birthday I was sent away to boarding school. It was all of nine miles from home. I guess they got bored with me. That lasted for two years until I started secondary school where I point blank refused to board. Guess they realised at that point they couldn't rehome me after all.
Tyre Smoke said:
Have you always known? Have you wanted to trace your birth mother? Do you get on with your adoptive parents?
Here's my story.
I was born to a single mum aged 19 and was a 'forced' adoption as was the case back in the 60s. My adoptive parents were middle class school teachers and ticked all the boxes.
I never really got on with my adoptive father, it was clear he went along with the adoption because my adoptive mother wanted it. He had spent all his life having his mother and maternal grandmother running around for him. When he got married my adoptive mother continued in the same way. He was and is a complete misogynist. I remember being four years old or so and doing something that annoyed him and he saying to my mother "your son has done..." Things like that stick in your head.
My mother died in 2010 and things went rapidly downhill from there. He expected me to take up where my mum had left off. He telephoned often and was only interested in telling me what he had been doing. Or not. He had no interest in my life, my business, my son or how I was coping with an alcoholic wife. In 2015 he sent me via his solicitor a bill itemising all the expenditure bringing me up and asking for immediate repayment or threatening court action. Obviously I ignored it. And him. Then just before Covid another letter from his solicitor and a copy of his will writing me out completely and not being permitted inside his bungalow after his death unless an executor was present. The two executors listed, I doubt he's even asked if they will be executors. Anyway, I made a conscious decision to write him out of my life from then on. I've not made contact since. He still sends Christmas and birthday cards that go straight into the bin unopened. He sent my son an 18th birthday card with a xheque dor the grand sum of £68. Except it couldn't be cashed because the words were sixteen pounds. He's a total embarrassment and I'm glad I don't have to have anything to do with him.
I traced my birth mother in 2020. Quite a journey, only to discover she died in 2015. She never gave up hope of a reconciliation though, her bank PIN was my birthday.
I sometimes wonder if I need to actually talk this through with a professional, because although I'm not depressed or anything, I do get 'down' occasionally when I think of the missed opportunities I should have raken sooner perhaps.
Anyway, if you've read this far, thanks. I just needed to get that off my chest.
That tugged a heart string, fair play to you both.Here's my story.
I was born to a single mum aged 19 and was a 'forced' adoption as was the case back in the 60s. My adoptive parents were middle class school teachers and ticked all the boxes.
I never really got on with my adoptive father, it was clear he went along with the adoption because my adoptive mother wanted it. He had spent all his life having his mother and maternal grandmother running around for him. When he got married my adoptive mother continued in the same way. He was and is a complete misogynist. I remember being four years old or so and doing something that annoyed him and he saying to my mother "your son has done..." Things like that stick in your head.
My mother died in 2010 and things went rapidly downhill from there. He expected me to take up where my mum had left off. He telephoned often and was only interested in telling me what he had been doing. Or not. He had no interest in my life, my business, my son or how I was coping with an alcoholic wife. In 2015 he sent me via his solicitor a bill itemising all the expenditure bringing me up and asking for immediate repayment or threatening court action. Obviously I ignored it. And him. Then just before Covid another letter from his solicitor and a copy of his will writing me out completely and not being permitted inside his bungalow after his death unless an executor was present. The two executors listed, I doubt he's even asked if they will be executors. Anyway, I made a conscious decision to write him out of my life from then on. I've not made contact since. He still sends Christmas and birthday cards that go straight into the bin unopened. He sent my son an 18th birthday card with a xheque dor the grand sum of £68. Except it couldn't be cashed because the words were sixteen pounds. He's a total embarrassment and I'm glad I don't have to have anything to do with him.
I traced my birth mother in 2020. Quite a journey, only to discover she died in 2015. She never gave up hope of a reconciliation though, her bank PIN was my birthday.
I sometimes wonder if I need to actually talk this through with a professional, because although I'm not depressed or anything, I do get 'down' occasionally when I think of the missed opportunities I should have raken sooner perhaps.
Anyway, if you've read this far, thanks. I just needed to get that off my chest.
TX.
Op - your mum passing way before you had a chance to meet her and the PIN code is very sad - but there was little you could do about it and at least you know that she didn't give you up lightly and that she probably thought about you every day.
We actually have very little control over some things and we have to accept the cards we have been dealt.
Good luck with it all
We actually have very little control over some things and we have to accept the cards we have been dealt.
Good luck with it all
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