When to abandon a friend?
Discussion
Been thinking a lot about this today .I have known this one man which is a bit older for about 8 yrs .
the usual conversation now is based around his drab life/problems and running out of funds and not knowing if he will ever work again etc and talk of suicide which never materialises .but he suffers badly with depression at times .I’ve been a supportive person on the other end of the phone as much as I can be but I think it’s been a bit of burden on me and I’m wondering now about just leaving him to it .we are not close friends really but I thought I should offer my help so started from there.I mean though if nothing changes then what’s the point ? I need to move on myself and listening to this crap doesn’t help
the usual conversation now is based around his drab life/problems and running out of funds and not knowing if he will ever work again etc and talk of suicide which never materialises .but he suffers badly with depression at times .I’ve been a supportive person on the other end of the phone as much as I can be but I think it’s been a bit of burden on me and I’m wondering now about just leaving him to it .we are not close friends really but I thought I should offer my help so started from there.I mean though if nothing changes then what’s the point ? I need to move on myself and listening to this crap doesn’t help
Just because a situation is wrong, or not in your best interest, doesn't mean that you can't do an amazing thing within it.
Yes you might be effectively a door mat, yes he might take and never give, yes he might not care about you at all.
However you being an ear and a friend is a GOOD THING.
I'd argue doing the right thing, even if at times you might suffer, is something worthwhile.
Don't let him take over your life, equally don't bin him off just because the situation is bad.
You're being good!
Yes you might be effectively a door mat, yes he might take and never give, yes he might not care about you at all.
However you being an ear and a friend is a GOOD THING.
I'd argue doing the right thing, even if at times you might suffer, is something worthwhile.
Don't let him take over your life, equally don't bin him off just because the situation is bad.
You're being good!
sparkythecat said:
If he’s got other active support like family and close friends, extricate yourself if you can.
If however, you’re his only counsellor, try and find someone to take your place before you abandon him, otherwise you’ll feel a right t
t if he does manage to top himself.
He hasn’t got much support from anyone .occasionally sees a few friends though.If however, you’re his only counsellor, try and find someone to take your place before you abandon him, otherwise you’ll feel a right t
t if he does manage to top himself.Only remaining family is his sister which never sees or talks to .some distant family overseas which is the same. Most of the time just by himself at home doing nothing .He might be calling tonight , what would you say
Spare tyre said:
Invite him out for a walk somewhere, always makes people open up / feel better
In summary think smarter, try harder. Break the cycle. Find something to talk about, a reason to be friends. Perhaps jointly book onto an indoor climbing course and go once a week. He can become your belay buddy.
From the limited info it doesn’t sound like he’s asking for anything but some of your time and an ear to listen to him, it could be the one thing that stops him suiciding. Ask him what other means of support he has access to and if that’s limited help him to find a support group such as Men in Sheds.
But what’s the objective in the conversations ? To just listen but then the cycle just continues...
He can hardly walk anymore and got a few other health related problems. complains about this and doesn't get much sleep but reluctant to get help as given up on trying to get help .How am I supposed to make a difference?
He can hardly walk anymore and got a few other health related problems. complains about this and doesn't get much sleep but reluctant to get help as given up on trying to get help .How am I supposed to make a difference?
Jack.77 said:
But what’s the objective in the conversations ? To just listen but then the cycle just continues...
He can hardly walk anymore and got a few other health related problems. complains about this and doesn't get much sleep but reluctant to get help as given up on trying to get help .How am I supposed to make a difference?
Try to see it from his point of view, at least he has someone to listen to him, why does there have to be an objective, if however you can’t spare him your time then tell him rather than just disappearing on him.He can hardly walk anymore and got a few other health related problems. complains about this and doesn't get much sleep but reluctant to get help as given up on trying to get help .How am I supposed to make a difference?
Spare tyre said:
Op how do you know him
He messaged me years ago on a local chat page as the picture I had was of this seaside town which he says that particular one reminded him of his dad that lived there which died unexpectedly and so agreed to casually meet up with a shared interest in local historyAt that time he was working full time and didn’t have many issues .just randomly started calling up one time how crap things were .since then been calling a few times a week
A bit weird probably
Jack.77 said:
Spare tyre said:
Op how do you know him
He messaged me years ago on a local chat page as the picture I had was of this seaside town which he says that particular one reminded him of his dad that lived there which died unexpectedly and so agreed to casually meet up with a shared interest in local historyAt that time he was working full time and didn’t have many issues .just randomly started calling up one time how crap things were .since then been calling a few times a week
A bit weird probably
When I was between say 19 and 28ish me and a mate would always be out the front of his house fiddling with our cars all weekend.
There was a neighbour who was on old boy, we felt sorry for him because he didn’t seem to have anyone else in his life, we were pretty much the only people he spoke to. What a life
Pit Pony said:
In summary think smarter, try harder. Break the cycle. Find something to talk about, a reason to be friends.
Perhaps jointly book onto an indoor climbing course and go once a week. He can become your belay buddy.
I wouldn't be trusting a suicidal person with the other end of my rope Perhaps jointly book onto an indoor climbing course and go once a week. He can become your belay buddy.
It’s also very hard to gage how serious someone could be re suicide without formal training.some years ago a family friend which I only knew briefly seemed fine when I saw her in a shop then the next day found dead .left behind 2 young kids and husband .Perhaps though with this man as it’s been talked about enough times over the years and to my knowledge never attempted then it’s more likely only a thought connected with low mood and depression rather than wanting to actually do it
Jack.77 said:
It’s also very hard to gage how serious someone could be re suicide without formal training.some years ago a family friend which I only knew briefly seemed fine when I saw her in a shop then the next day found dead .left behind 2 young kids and husband .Perhaps though with this man as it’s been talked about enough times over the years and to my knowledge never attempted then it’s more likely only a thought connected with low mood and depression rather than wanting to actually do it
Talking about suicide with him isn’t going to put him at any greater risk of him acting on it. Try to establish with him what’s stopped him acting on it, what are his protective factors it may surprise you what or who his protective factors are.Jack.77 said:
Spare tyre said:
Op how do you know him
He messaged me years ago on a local chat page as the picture I had was of this seaside town which he says that particular one reminded him of his dad that lived there which died unexpectedly and so agreed to casually meet up with a shared interest in local historyAt that time he was working full time and didn’t have many issues .just randomly started calling up one time how crap things were .since then been calling a few times a week
A bit weird probably
My wife did this to a long term friend who was miserable all the time, had a victim mentality and just went on about how everyone had a better life than she did. It was a brief bit of pain with a "breakup" letter from my wife to her, and then a surprise visit at our house, some tears, some hard truths but in the end my wife is much happier she is not a toxic influence in our lives anymore.
LeadFarmer said:
Pit Pony said:
In summary think smarter, try harder. Break the cycle. Find something to talk about, a reason to be friends.
Perhaps jointly book onto an indoor climbing course and go once a week. He can become your belay buddy.
I wouldn't be trusting a suicidal person with the other end of my rope Perhaps jointly book onto an indoor climbing course and go once a week. He can become your belay buddy.
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