Wierd relationships with fathers/ relations
Discussion
My father has always been extremely self centered and always focussed on achievements ( He sees himself better than many, including myself I'm sure )
I'm totally different, e.g I like rock and metal and just happy living day to day, though thanks to him not exactly short of cash.
Sometimes I really hate aspects of him.
I had to remind him recently I'm nearly 50 and done many car jobs as discussing a head gasket job for a car he gave me he was like "you can't do that, you aren't a mechanic you have to pay someone etc" - but I've done a number in the past.
(I was JUST asking him if he had a frigging impact wrench to borrow to spin off the cranshaft pulley bolt, and I've just ended up ordering one whilst moving on to another longstanding job of needing to fit towbar + electrics also).
I ended up telling him he was abusive but he made out I was abusing him although I wasn't. I was just frustrated with what he was saying to me.
He said he'd rather pay someone else to do the work( I would, but all the mobile guys etc are all busy).
He spends a great amount of his time going over his past glories. Again, over and over again, and again over the phone.
He does prefer gardening to mechanics, which I kind of understand but sometimes needs must and I prefer to see a job done myself sometimes although perhaps that is my own flaw.
He is with his partner as he's seperated from my mother.
Sometimes its fine but sometimes have a strained relationship with him. I've never had that "dad dad" feeling with him to talk about sockets and tools and stuff. Well most of the time he was too busy abroad anyway.
What is it like ? I'm quite sad about this sometimes.
What family bugbears do you guys have
Looks like your dad enjoy gardening, and you enjoy spannering.
Let him enjoy gardening, and enjoy spannering.
You don't have the same hobby, and he doesn't understand yours: don't talk to him about your spannering
Find other likely minded people to talk about cars (PH is not a bad place 
), and talk about something else with your dad
Let him enjoy gardening, and enjoy spannering.
You don't have the same hobby, and he doesn't understand yours: don't talk to him about your spannering
Find other likely minded people to talk about cars (PH is not a bad place ), and talk about something else with your dad Fathers are weird. they're an enigma and often hypocritical.
my dad is constantly telling me about all the holidays he's been on, yet doesnt understand why i would want to take early retirement, like he did...
my wifes dad is constantly pushing his insecurities onto her, and also ignores things that she says, as obviously he's the father figure and he always knows more/knows best.
he also goes on and on about inane things, occasionally a bit racist, or a bit sexist. i just nod along.
its the old saying, you can pick your friends, but you cant pick your family. its why most people move away from home in their early twenties.
my dad is constantly telling me about all the holidays he's been on, yet doesnt understand why i would want to take early retirement, like he did...
my wifes dad is constantly pushing his insecurities onto her, and also ignores things that she says, as obviously he's the father figure and he always knows more/knows best.
he also goes on and on about inane things, occasionally a bit racist, or a bit sexist. i just nod along.
its the old saying, you can pick your friends, but you cant pick your family. its why most people move away from home in their early twenties.
Oh also - they get worse as they get older. my wifes dad is not the same man he was 20 years ago
just remember, you won't be able to change him. you can only change how you react to it. As mentioned, find something else to talk about.
my dad (like most dads) is obsessed with saving money. he'll refuse to pay a couple of quid to park somewhere convenient, instead preferring to drive around for 10 minutes until he finds somewhere free to park.
we recently went on a trip to north wales for a walk, and he was reluctant to pay the £3 to park in a convenient car park. I pointed out that the petrol cost of driving there and back was about £60, and i had absolutely no problem paying £3 to park.
just remember, you won't be able to change him. you can only change how you react to it. As mentioned, find something else to talk about.
my dad (like most dads) is obsessed with saving money. he'll refuse to pay a couple of quid to park somewhere convenient, instead preferring to drive around for 10 minutes until he finds somewhere free to park.
we recently went on a trip to north wales for a walk, and he was reluctant to pay the £3 to park in a convenient car park. I pointed out that the petrol cost of driving there and back was about £60, and i had absolutely no problem paying £3 to park.
Rightly or wrongly it sounds like your Dad is disappointed that his son is a 50 year old metalhead that lives day to day, and lives on the benefits of his graft, which he is very (maybe overly) proud of.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, I’m not the best son going around either, but it’s worth at least considering, and as above he’s a man in his own right, and one that is getting older and more set in his ways. Its probably beneficial to respect him for who he is while you demand respect for who you are.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, I’m not the best son going around either, but it’s worth at least considering, and as above he’s a man in his own right, and one that is getting older and more set in his ways. Its probably beneficial to respect him for who he is while you demand respect for who you are.
Men's relationships with Dads tend to be problematic in my experience. Certainly true of my immediate peers anyway.
For a start, the rate of separations and divorces was presumably the highest in history for the parent's generation and a lot of Dads simply aren't on the scene at all.
I think the rate of societal change since the grandparents were in their pomp has been so fast that it has set up a dynamic which really strains relationships down the generations. Hardship and war, boom, and bust.
Dads seem to think that their experience is golden. It is both universal and relevant. However, even just one generation removed and the world is a different place.
I had a big talk with my Dad several years ago as I was finding him difficult to deal with. He in turn spoke about the problems he experienced from his Dad. He told me at the time that he was too old to change, but change he did and we have a good relationship now.
For a start, the rate of separations and divorces was presumably the highest in history for the parent's generation and a lot of Dads simply aren't on the scene at all.
I think the rate of societal change since the grandparents were in their pomp has been so fast that it has set up a dynamic which really strains relationships down the generations. Hardship and war, boom, and bust.
Dads seem to think that their experience is golden. It is both universal and relevant. However, even just one generation removed and the world is a different place.
I had a big talk with my Dad several years ago as I was finding him difficult to deal with. He in turn spoke about the problems he experienced from his Dad. He told me at the time that he was too old to change, but change he did and we have a good relationship now.
Edited by HustleRussell on Thursday 21st April 12:24
toasty said:
As I got older I realised my parents were just other people. They have/had loves, hates, foibles and faults just like anyone else.
This. When I became a parent, I was acutely aware my kids didn’t come with a manual.
It was at that point it dawned on me that my parents weren’t supplied with a manual either.
We’re all just making it up as we go along and hopefully doing our best!
It sounds like there is a lot more to this than a difference in interests and lifestyle.
Is the split from your mother a factor here? I obviously no nothing about this but as such a big event I could well imagine it putting a strain on your relationship with your father.
Either way, maybe you could suggest helping him with his gardening as a bonding activity and likewise, him helping you with yours? Your interests are different but you might find common ground in your passion for them and how you approach them.
Is the split from your mother a factor here? I obviously no nothing about this but as such a big event I could well imagine it putting a strain on your relationship with your father.
Either way, maybe you could suggest helping him with his gardening as a bonding activity and likewise, him helping you with yours? Your interests are different but you might find common ground in your passion for them and how you approach them.
daytonavrs said:
He is with his partner as he's seperated from my mother.
Sometimes its fine but sometimes have a strained relationship with him. I've never had that "dad dad" feeling with him to talk about sockets and tools and stuff. Well most of the time he was too busy abroad anyway.
What is it like ? I'm quite sad about this sometimes.
What family bugbears do you guys have
TL;DR - Arrange something special for your dad. A new glory that you can reminisce about together.Sometimes its fine but sometimes have a strained relationship with him. I've never had that "dad dad" feeling with him to talk about sockets and tools and stuff. Well most of the time he was too busy abroad anyway.
What is it like ? I'm quite sad about this sometimes.
What family bugbears do you guys have
My family bug-bear is that we are not as close as perhaps we should be but my Dad and I have recently become much closer after years of only seeing each other two or three times a year.
We are similar in that we are both introverts who can get lost in our own worlds and wouldn't normally have great need for each others company. He spent his entire career as a truck driver for the same business, a career he loved which really suited his personality.
Since he retired a few years ago, he has only had his garden and his partner of 25 years. Earlier this year, she passed away due to cancer. They were very close and she was perhaps part of the reason we didn't see much of him. This is not a criticism of her. She was a lovely woman. We rallied around him but within a few weeks he started to drift back towards isolation.
As his 70th is coming up, I suggested to my brother and sister that we should throw him a party. More of a nice big lunch with his siblings, friends, former colleagues, nieces and nephews etc. When I put the idea to my dad, we couldn't believe that he agreed so enthusiastically to do it. By that evening he had chosen the hotel and made a list of 60 people to invite. I've been on the phone with him most days advising of the RSVPs. He is phoning people to talk about it and is genuinely excited. Not something I've seen in him before.
The party isn't until the end of May but I already consider it one of the best things I've done for him, or anyone. I just hope it goes well. My brother and sister are already pissed off about the cost. They didn't think he'd go for it.
Would it be a terrible idea for you to arrange something for your Dad. Invite the people he shared his past glories with. If it goes well, he may remember the day as a new glory and associate it with you. Then you'll be able to reminisce about it together.
Edited by minimalist on Thursday 21st April 12:35
I learned some time ago to ignore, or forgive, the traits of my father that I disliked, and to cherish those that I loved. Fortunately there were very many of the latter.
He died three years ago, aged 88, but we'd developed a steady, respectful and strong relationship because we learned to avoid the negative stuff (our politics, for example, which were a million miles apart).
Nurture the good bits would be my advice, because one day he won't be there.
He died three years ago, aged 88, but we'd developed a steady, respectful and strong relationship because we learned to avoid the negative stuff (our politics, for example, which were a million miles apart).
Nurture the good bits would be my advice, because one day he won't be there.
Brave Fart said:
I learned some time ago to ignore, or forgive, the traits of my father that I disliked, and to cherish those that I loved. Fortunately there were very many of the latter.
He died three years ago, aged 88, but we'd developed a steady, respectful and strong relationship because we learned to avoid the negative stuff (our politics, for example, which were a million miles apart).
Nurture the good bits would be my advice, because one day he won't be there.
Great post... my Dad and I have had a difficult relationship at many points in the past, but currently it’s pretty good and whilst we have many differences in hobbies, opinions and politics, as well as having fundamentally different personalities in many ways - We also have plenty of common ground and one big shared passion (cars) which brings us together on a regular basis - I try and focus on the good and have made peace with the fact he is who he is and he won’t be changing at this point, where as in the past I’d snap or get into heated arguments with him around politics or opinions, now I just let it slide off my back and concentrate on the good stuff. He is a good man, and a real family man who has given my Mum, my sisters and I everything and inspired me consistently throughout my life. A recent big health scare with him has really put things into perspective and I want to make sure the time we’re spending together now isn’t tainted by petty arguments or frustrations.He died three years ago, aged 88, but we'd developed a steady, respectful and strong relationship because we learned to avoid the negative stuff (our politics, for example, which were a million miles apart).
Nurture the good bits would be my advice, because one day he won't be there.
I would certainly agree though that father son relationships can be difficult and have their own very unique challenges. I have a 16 old month son, and would love to think we’ll have none of these issues as he grows up, I’m going to do my absolute best to always try and look at things from his and his generation’s point of view (without losing my own perspective) - Naive perhaps, but I’m going to try!
Edited by milfordkong on Thursday 21st April 13:29
daytonavrs said:
My father has always been extremely self centered and always focussed on achievements ( He sees himself better than many, including myself I'm sure )
I'm totally different, e.g I like rock and metal and just happy living day to day, though thanks to him not exactly short of cash.
When you say "thanks to him, not exactly short of cash", is he funding your lifestyle. Because if so, you kind of lose all rights to moan about him. I'm totally different, e.g I like rock and metal and just happy living day to day, though thanks to him not exactly short of cash.
TwigtheWonderkid said:
daytonavrs said:
My father has always been extremely self centered and always focussed on achievements ( He sees himself better than many, including myself I'm sure )
I'm totally different, e.g I like rock and metal and just happy living day to day, though thanks to him not exactly short of cash.
When you say "thanks to him, not exactly short of cash", is he funding your lifestyle. Because if so, you kind of lose all rights to moan about him. I'm totally different, e.g I like rock and metal and just happy living day to day, though thanks to him not exactly short of cash.
Some really warming ideas and suggestions from others here too, thanks for all that. I guess I have to repriorotise things for myself and decide how I want my relationship with
I'll give him a call about orchids or something and avoid the mechanicy talk then. Just would be nice to be spannering with a dad is all. I guess if he just doesn't enjoy it then fair enough. I'll be honest I don't always enjoy myself.
Just finishing off a Oem/ westfalia plug in towbar (at the BCM side at least) which was a pain in the ass but also satisfying to understand where the bits on the car are just in case
My parents separated when I was 4 and finally divorced when I was 10. It was an unpleasant time between 1974-1980.
I struggled to maintain a good relationship with my Dad as he's just so different to Mum, and I can see why / how they broke up.
I really haven't had a good relationship with him in my adult life, always me making an effort to stay in touch, etc.
We haven't spoken since Jan 2016 and I recently learned from my eldest brother, who lives in the U.S, that Dad has stage 4 lung cancer. Despite that, and I'll sound horrible for saying this, I have no wish to make an effort to reconcile with him again, as I've had long periods (years) of zero communication previously.
I honestly think that if you have people in your life that make you angry, belittle your self worth, or you simply can't get on with, you should disassociate yourself from them - even if they are your parents or a family member.
I struggled to maintain a good relationship with my Dad as he's just so different to Mum, and I can see why / how they broke up.
I really haven't had a good relationship with him in my adult life, always me making an effort to stay in touch, etc.
We haven't spoken since Jan 2016 and I recently learned from my eldest brother, who lives in the U.S, that Dad has stage 4 lung cancer. Despite that, and I'll sound horrible for saying this, I have no wish to make an effort to reconcile with him again, as I've had long periods (years) of zero communication previously.
I honestly think that if you have people in your life that make you angry, belittle your self worth, or you simply can't get on with, you should disassociate yourself from them - even if they are your parents or a family member.
Roofless Toothless said:
All my life I have followed West Ham. My son supports Spurs.
I guess we’re really screwed.
We *all* know your son's chosen poorly! I guess we’re really screwed.
Incidentally, I just spoke to him again and there wasn't totally dominated by car talk ( well only discussion was about his senior place in the motor industry he likes to talk about a lot).
It went a lot better.....just can go in phases, as to whether I'm being lectured to or we are just talking likeminded and focussed on the reason / purpose I actually called lol. Rather than just his excuse for a rant.
I did focus more on the gardening discussions as suggested here, it really helped - thanks a lot. I have to accept a lot of the things being said here.
I should probably also add "thanks to him" he hasn't solely funded my lifestyle - its been more like the icing on the cake,
due to him working flat out from his teenage years until retirement beset us with the lifestyle we have - I got chance to go to university and probably better job access. He could have worked the roads with pneumatics like his dad did. Instead he "bettered himself" and went to university major etc and ended up senior position ( and has some interesting stories to tell) but also life at home wasn't always rosey what with splits etc.
That doesn't mean I haven't ever go to work in case I sent out the wrong message.
Just that I've been more complacent with my career aspirations I didn't feel like I needed to replicate his level of success ? Maybe he was disappointed by that, but I'm not.
I was instead happy with an average yearly income with him also giving a little on top infrequently (e.g. doesn't do birthdays but will throw some money my way) really hasn't hurt.
I guess I shouldn't moan so much really and focus on what I have got and the things we have in common not what I haven't.
It went a lot better.....just can go in phases, as to whether I'm being lectured to or we are just talking likeminded and focussed on the reason / purpose I actually called lol. Rather than just his excuse for a rant.
I did focus more on the gardening discussions as suggested here, it really helped - thanks a lot. I have to accept a lot of the things being said here.
I should probably also add "thanks to him" he hasn't solely funded my lifestyle - its been more like the icing on the cake,
due to him working flat out from his teenage years until retirement beset us with the lifestyle we have - I got chance to go to university and probably better job access. He could have worked the roads with pneumatics like his dad did. Instead he "bettered himself" and went to university major etc and ended up senior position ( and has some interesting stories to tell) but also life at home wasn't always rosey what with splits etc.
That doesn't mean I haven't ever go to work in case I sent out the wrong message.
Just that I've been more complacent with my career aspirations I didn't feel like I needed to replicate his level of success ? Maybe he was disappointed by that, but I'm not.
I was instead happy with an average yearly income with him also giving a little on top infrequently (e.g. doesn't do birthdays but will throw some money my way) really hasn't hurt.
I guess I shouldn't moan so much really and focus on what I have got and the things we have in common not what I haven't.
Dads can be good but like anything in life they can be a major disappointment. I don't even have the energy to write out my own experience but I guess just because he is your biological father doesn't mean you have to get on. I have a far better relationship with my step Dad than my own Dad.
My own Dad hasn't done anything massively wrong. He's just a self centred career driven chap that makes zero effort with his kids. He left when I was 11, did the right thing and paid for the roof over my head and ultimately gave the house to my mum. He had 3 new kids, f
ked off to Canada, lives an extravagent lifestlye and can't relate to me on anything and makes zero effort to contact me or hear about his grandchildren.
Edit to add - if he died tomorrow I don't think I'd be that bothered. He hasn't ever been part of my life, aside from critisms and must try harder before he left to Canada, and during the first 11 years he was never there as was working on his career.
Yet ironically I have my own career, don't particularly love it, but provides a nice life for me and my family and even though he spent his life forging a career and has earnt in exceess of £300k per annum (it's public knowledge over there and I don't get anywhere near that) I have a more valuable house than him. As does my full brother who also has a family and feels the same. I won't lie, that feels good.
My own Dad hasn't done anything massively wrong. He's just a self centred career driven chap that makes zero effort with his kids. He left when I was 11, did the right thing and paid for the roof over my head and ultimately gave the house to my mum. He had 3 new kids, f
ked off to Canada, lives an extravagent lifestlye and can't relate to me on anything and makes zero effort to contact me or hear about his grandchildren. Edit to add - if he died tomorrow I don't think I'd be that bothered. He hasn't ever been part of my life, aside from critisms and must try harder before he left to Canada, and during the first 11 years he was never there as was working on his career.
Yet ironically I have my own career, don't particularly love it, but provides a nice life for me and my family and even though he spent his life forging a career and has earnt in exceess of £300k per annum (it's public knowledge over there and I don't get anywhere near that) I have a more valuable house than him. As does my full brother who also has a family and feels the same. I won't lie, that feels good.
Edited by _Mja_ on Thursday 21st April 16:58
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