Mimicking or Mirroring - Empathy or Social Acceptance?
Discussion
In recent years I have become more conscious of how synchronised my reactions are with the person I am talking to.
Once upon a time I may have unconsciously mirrored the way my subject speaks. It could be said that the reason might have been from hanging around with people from different cultures. A few of my close friends growing up were kids from families from the Caribbean; I got to know their families and a bit of the culture rubbed off. If I switched to saying a word or sentence in patois for example, or 'in character', it's not because I am/was trying to be Jamaican, it's because I understand the culture. For anyone looking from the outside in, it may not seem that way. When my kids were born, we got close to an Italian family (parents of a college friend) who were desperate for grandchildren (but their own kids were driven by careers etc). Whilst I can't speak Italian fluently, I now understand the culture and learned quite a bit of the language. We spent quite a bit of time 'back home' with them in Ravello and it was generally a great time of our lives. Another close friend is first generation from Poland and I now find that I'm quite handy with the Polish culture too as we chat quite a lot and go out together.
Looking back I think I've always been that way; I've learned a lot on my travels and from my relationships. Also having a job where I'm meeting different people on a daily basis means I'm always adapting to my environment or subjects. A party trick I've developed over time is to guess where someone is from just by how they say 'windscreen' in their native language.
As a rule, mirroring means that interlocutors enjoy their communication. There’s a certain level of agreement between them. The topic of discussion is equally interesting for both people and they know that their interests meet. Accents and languages is more my way of empathising. If my subject is a bit slangy/cockney/east-end, I adapt; well spoken: I adapt. Tamil: I adapt; Polish, East African, Brazilian/Portuguese and my ice-breaker is to crack a few appropriate (and respectful) lines in their language.
They say tuning your own mood and actions to others can be traced back to human origins. People used mirroring as a kind of universal signal in order to survive and evolve. We start life listening to and mimicking our parents, etc. But it's got me thinking, I feel I spend too much time in character (a diverse set of friends and associates) so what is the true me? Am I who I am talking to?
A bloke I used to play rugby with years ago was originally from Bristol. He had a very distinct accent although he would say his mates back in Bristol say he sounded more cockney since he moved to London. But to me, he always sounded Bristolian! I'm now also into my fourth year of managing a teenage football team; the players are from different backgrounds and cultures and I find that my character morphing continues. In the team there is a player whose parents are both from Yemen, yep, I adapt to make them feel at ease. One player's parents are Jamaican and it's easy for me to converse with them. The goalie's parents are Greek Cypriot (they were even convinced for a few months that I too was Greek).
For me it's not really an issue, but I am aware of it more that I ever have been. I like that the 'bridging' it appears to work, but I've often thought about how others (especially those who don't know me) might perceive my multi-faceted personality.
Have I got issues?
Once upon a time I may have unconsciously mirrored the way my subject speaks. It could be said that the reason might have been from hanging around with people from different cultures. A few of my close friends growing up were kids from families from the Caribbean; I got to know their families and a bit of the culture rubbed off. If I switched to saying a word or sentence in patois for example, or 'in character', it's not because I am/was trying to be Jamaican, it's because I understand the culture. For anyone looking from the outside in, it may not seem that way. When my kids were born, we got close to an Italian family (parents of a college friend) who were desperate for grandchildren (but their own kids were driven by careers etc). Whilst I can't speak Italian fluently, I now understand the culture and learned quite a bit of the language. We spent quite a bit of time 'back home' with them in Ravello and it was generally a great time of our lives. Another close friend is first generation from Poland and I now find that I'm quite handy with the Polish culture too as we chat quite a lot and go out together.
Looking back I think I've always been that way; I've learned a lot on my travels and from my relationships. Also having a job where I'm meeting different people on a daily basis means I'm always adapting to my environment or subjects. A party trick I've developed over time is to guess where someone is from just by how they say 'windscreen' in their native language.
As a rule, mirroring means that interlocutors enjoy their communication. There’s a certain level of agreement between them. The topic of discussion is equally interesting for both people and they know that their interests meet. Accents and languages is more my way of empathising. If my subject is a bit slangy/cockney/east-end, I adapt; well spoken: I adapt. Tamil: I adapt; Polish, East African, Brazilian/Portuguese and my ice-breaker is to crack a few appropriate (and respectful) lines in their language.
They say tuning your own mood and actions to others can be traced back to human origins. People used mirroring as a kind of universal signal in order to survive and evolve. We start life listening to and mimicking our parents, etc. But it's got me thinking, I feel I spend too much time in character (a diverse set of friends and associates) so what is the true me? Am I who I am talking to?
A bloke I used to play rugby with years ago was originally from Bristol. He had a very distinct accent although he would say his mates back in Bristol say he sounded more cockney since he moved to London. But to me, he always sounded Bristolian! I'm now also into my fourth year of managing a teenage football team; the players are from different backgrounds and cultures and I find that my character morphing continues. In the team there is a player whose parents are both from Yemen, yep, I adapt to make them feel at ease. One player's parents are Jamaican and it's easy for me to converse with them. The goalie's parents are Greek Cypriot (they were even convinced for a few months that I too was Greek).
For me it's not really an issue, but I am aware of it more that I ever have been. I like that the 'bridging' it appears to work, but I've often thought about how others (especially those who don't know me) might perceive my multi-faceted personality.
Have I got issues?
Glassman said:
Have I got issues?
Absolutely not. If anything, you have a skill; one that is taught in high-level environments for the purpose of hostage negotiations and the like. The ability to recognise and adapt to include mirroring and empathy in natural conversation and settings is a prize asset.Adaptation of one's self according to your environment is also quite natural. Look at Universities. Kids arrive for year one from all over the country with all manner or regional accents. A few years latter, they all leave with the same accent, a sort of neutral 'semi-posh' accent that evolved as a result of sub-conscious adaptations to accommodate ones peers.
I think I can do the whole mirroring technuque quite well; it wasn't something I did intentionally, but something I found myself doing. In my area of work (IT) i find it especially useful to tone down and pretend to show empathy to IT nerds in negotiations when selling our products. Socially it works pretty well when attempting to 'work' a room if needed.
Its a good skill, OP, exploit it!
Its a good skill, OP, exploit it!
But can you bond with builders like Alan Partridge?
Alan: "See the match?"
Builder: "Which one?"
Alan: "Dunno"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEc00LB3eKo
Alan: "See the match?"
Builder: "Which one?"
Alan: "Dunno"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEc00LB3eKo
I wonder if the OP is worried about being accused of cultural appropriation. There was a white guy in the press recently that spoke with a Jamaican accident was targeted despite growing up there.
Adapting to the people you are dealing with is important, I've had similar before at work. At one point on the phone to an engineer with PHD, the next a builder, slightly modifying behavior and how you speak is useful when building relationships.
Adapting to the people you are dealing with is important, I've had similar before at work. At one point on the phone to an engineer with PHD, the next a builder, slightly modifying behavior and how you speak is useful when building relationships.
I'm in agreement with the op.
My parents and some sibling's had strong N Irish accents. The family left N Ireland and then as the last child I was born in England. Not many of my childhood pals could understand what my parents were saying so I spent years translating for my pals!
I have a Hertfordshire/North London accent.
I use many Irish phrases etc and when I spend time in Ireland or with Irish pals traveling I 'drop in' naturally.
I'm a French speaker and my accent is very 'local' when I'm with French friends
My parents and some sibling's had strong N Irish accents. The family left N Ireland and then as the last child I was born in England. Not many of my childhood pals could understand what my parents were saying so I spent years translating for my pals!
I have a Hertfordshire/North London accent.
I use many Irish phrases etc and when I spend time in Ireland or with Irish pals traveling I 'drop in' naturally.
I'm a French speaker and my accent is very 'local' when I'm with French friends
Type R Tom said:
I wonder if the OP is worried about being accused of cultural appropriation. There was a white guy in the press recently that spoke with a Jamaican accident was targeted despite growing up there.
Used to work with a guy who was born & bred in Trinidad.Whiter than white bloke. He was a bit Ginge in fact.
He had a full on West Indian accent. Sounded pretty much like Jim Davidson back in the day doing his Chalky impression.
And, he had a bad stutter
Very difficult to talk to face to face without losing it completely.
Type R Tom said:
cultural appropriation
Hmmm, yes, but I'm not OTT with it as it is only a phrase or word to literally accentuate. Living in London and traveling the country in my work (a lot of windscreens need putting right after the insurance approved guys get them very, very wrong) means that I can learn simple salutations which then lead to more. For example, a couple of years ago I asked how to say thank you in Tamil. It's a very easy 'nandri' or 'mika nandri'. Given that many filling stations in parts of London are owned and operated by Sri Lankans, I can now say hello, ask how they are and respond with 'I am well' when they ask me. Saying 'wanacum' (hello) as you enter brightens their day and takes them by surprise. A great kiss-off is to say 'see you soon' in Tamil and leave them gobsmacked. I've learned quite a bit of Swahili too. Polish is probably my strongest learned language.
Cultural appropriation is when you get it wrong I think. It's easy to think all Poles go around saying 'kurwa' after every third word in a sentence. Whilst this might be your estimate of the Polish, it's merely based on the people you've seen, and not indicative of the good people of Poland. To then go charging into a conversation assuming they must all be the same is what can lead to awkwardness. A bit like assuming all 'West Indian' people are ganja smoking Rastafarians after seeing the cover of a Bob Marley album.
Picking a good moment to drop in a comment is almost like comedy timing.
devnull said:
I think I can do the whole mirroring technuque quite well; it wasn't something I did intentionally, but something I found myself doing. In my area of work (IT) i find it especially useful to tone down and pretend to show empathy to IT nerds in negotiations when selling our products. Socially it works pretty well when attempting to 'work' a room if needed.
Its a good skill, OP, exploit it!
If you know anyone with a subscription to Masterclss, get them to gift you a week's access and have a look at Chris Voss's class. He was the CIA chief negotiator and he covers all this and more. Really interesting stuff and works amazingly well.Its a good skill, OP, exploit it!
https://www.masterclass.com/classes/chris-voss-tea...
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