Writing and delivering a funeral speech for a best friend
Discussion
Hello everyone,
Not my most favorite post ever, but, at a bit of a loss and despite some of the downs of this forum I've seen some amazing advice and experience shared so figured I'd give this a whirl.
My best friend from childhood is dying from cancer and only has a couple of weeks to live, he's leaving behind a wife and two lovely young daughters, his wife called me a couple of days ago to ask if I'd be at the funeral and if I'd do the speech as she can't.
It's complicated by the fact I live in the US and can't just nip to see him before he goes either, which sucks, I was there last week but he was too ill and had just had an operation to see me.
So, how the hell do I (a) write a speech and (b) not lose it in front of his family when I deliver it? I did his best man speech which was somewhat easier and lighter!
Help :-)
Not my most favorite post ever, but, at a bit of a loss and despite some of the downs of this forum I've seen some amazing advice and experience shared so figured I'd give this a whirl.
My best friend from childhood is dying from cancer and only has a couple of weeks to live, he's leaving behind a wife and two lovely young daughters, his wife called me a couple of days ago to ask if I'd be at the funeral and if I'd do the speech as she can't.
It's complicated by the fact I live in the US and can't just nip to see him before he goes either, which sucks, I was there last week but he was too ill and had just had an operation to see me.
So, how the hell do I (a) write a speech and (b) not lose it in front of his family when I deliver it? I did his best man speech which was somewhat easier and lighter!
Help :-)
Arnold Cunningham said:
When I did my fathers, I told his story, but weaved in anecdotes and factlets that many people wouldn’t have known. Think of it like a best man speech, but only say nice things. Tell his best story.
Can’t really improve on this advice. Did my dads funeral. Everyone in the room will be on your side. Take your time and dont try to cram in too much.
I wish you the very best of luck.
I have to do my father in laws next week, so condolences from someone in a similar situation.
When I did my parents, and also my best friend who also died early, I basically just spoke about how I remembered them, and some anecdotes of times and events. I didn't spend much time on history other than how my parents met (and in my friends case, how he met his wife?
People generally want to be reminded of the good times and the fun, hopefully if you're his best et friend you should have some. Any stories about his love of his family and including them should also go down well.
When I did my parents, and also my best friend who also died early, I basically just spoke about how I remembered them, and some anecdotes of times and events. I didn't spend much time on history other than how my parents met (and in my friends case, how he met his wife?
People generally want to be reminded of the good times and the fun, hopefully if you're his best et friend you should have some. Any stories about his love of his family and including them should also go down well.
Arnold Cunningham said:
When I did my fathers, I told his story, but weaved in anecdotes and factlets that many people wouldn’t have known. Think of it like a best man speech, but only say nice things. Tell his best story.
Agree with this.Sorry for your loss. I'm in a similar situation in that my favourite cousin died last weekend.
Punctilio said:
sociopath said:
I have to do my father in laws next week,
so condolences from someone in a similar situation
Have to ?so condolences from someone in a similar situation
Are his own children/relatives delivering a speech too ?
I'm doing it because the family don't think they'll be able to do it without breaking down and want the best send off their dad/husband can have.
Arnold Cunningham said:
When I did my fathers, I told his story, but weaved in anecdotes and factlets that many people wouldn’t have known. Think of it like a best man speech, but only say nice things. Tell his best story.
This.The folk at the funeral will be those closest to him so try and think of things that will resonate with them.
Also, don’t be held back to add something that you hold dear.
If you break down take a minute to compose and try to carry on as best you can. Most will understand the enormity of what you are trying to do.
Sorry to hear that Op, best of luck.
I watched a funeral service which was streamed for a 40 year old, friend of a friend during Covid when attendees were restricted.
Besides a few readings by far the best part was some pre recorded bits by friends and messages displayed to his fave music interlude with some key photos of video clips of his life that were collated by his family and fiancé.
The bloke in question has done some work for charity and the blind and left a job in big tech to do some noble deeds joineding a project to contribute to develop a braille device which would be affordable in developing world IIRC.
RIP.
I watched a funeral service which was streamed for a 40 year old, friend of a friend during Covid when attendees were restricted.
Besides a few readings by far the best part was some pre recorded bits by friends and messages displayed to his fave music interlude with some key photos of video clips of his life that were collated by his family and fiancé.
The bloke in question has done some work for charity and the blind and left a job in big tech to do some noble deeds joineding a project to contribute to develop a braille device which would be affordable in developing world IIRC.
RIP.
Sorry to hear this, but the best advice given to me when I read the eulogy for one of my best mates was to write your speech.
Retire to the garden with a bottle of port(other beverages are available)
Read it loud, when you choke up drink some port.
Repeat until you get through or run out of port.
Worked for me!
Retire to the garden with a bottle of port(other beverages are available)
Read it loud, when you choke up drink some port.
Repeat until you get through or run out of port.
Worked for me!
I based my father's eulogy on this - from Plato
“And the speech required is one which will adequately eulogise the dead and give kindly exhortation to the living, appealing to their children and their brethren to copy the virtues of these heroes, and to their fathers and mothers and any still surviving ancestors offering consolation.”
Write it out and speak it out loud at least once.
“And the speech required is one which will adequately eulogise the dead and give kindly exhortation to the living, appealing to their children and their brethren to copy the virtues of these heroes, and to their fathers and mothers and any still surviving ancestors offering consolation.”
Write it out and speak it out loud at least once.
All good advice so far (I gave my uncle’s eulogy a few years ago).
A couple of things that helped me and may work for you:
Expressive writing. Sit in a quiet room with no distractions and start writing/typing about your friend. Set a timer for 10 minutes and just spill your guts onto the page/screen. Don’t stop and don’t correct any spelling or grammar. You will then have more than enough content to refine into a eulogy.
I’m not sure if you are used to public speaking but it was suggested to me years ago to pick out 2 or 3 people in your audience and deliver the eulogy to them. You naturally pick out the faces that are listening intently, nodding with you, supporting you. Pick people further back. This has 2 effects: 1 it looks like you are delivering the speech to the whole audience but internally you are speaking to 2 or 3 people (so less nerves). And 2 you are limiting your eye contact with the close family in the front row who are more likely to be in tears and bring you to tears.
That said, if you can’t be emotional at this time then when can you? Everyone is on your side and grateful for your words.
3 years later and I still cannot remember any of the eulogy I gave. It’s really strange but it was wiped from my mind the minute I sat back down to the point I asked my wife if I had given the eulogy at all!
All the best and condolences.
A couple of things that helped me and may work for you:
Expressive writing. Sit in a quiet room with no distractions and start writing/typing about your friend. Set a timer for 10 minutes and just spill your guts onto the page/screen. Don’t stop and don’t correct any spelling or grammar. You will then have more than enough content to refine into a eulogy.
I’m not sure if you are used to public speaking but it was suggested to me years ago to pick out 2 or 3 people in your audience and deliver the eulogy to them. You naturally pick out the faces that are listening intently, nodding with you, supporting you. Pick people further back. This has 2 effects: 1 it looks like you are delivering the speech to the whole audience but internally you are speaking to 2 or 3 people (so less nerves). And 2 you are limiting your eye contact with the close family in the front row who are more likely to be in tears and bring you to tears.
That said, if you can’t be emotional at this time then when can you? Everyone is on your side and grateful for your words.
3 years later and I still cannot remember any of the eulogy I gave. It’s really strange but it was wiped from my mind the minute I sat back down to the point I asked my wife if I had given the eulogy at all!
All the best and condolences.
I did the eulogy for my mother about 2 years ago.
I told some short stories about how I would remember her, from the absurd to the funny to the poignant.
It was not up to the standards of 4 weddings and a funeral, but it did raise some smiles and laughs, which is what I think she would have wanted.
My father died in June in a road traffic accident. Clearly, his death was entirely unexpected. Things might have been different if he'd been unwell. As it was, my brother and I were struggling to help our mother and each other cope with his sudden absence in our lives.
We thought long and hard about one or both of us reading a eulogy, but despite the fact that everyone at the funeral would have been rooting for us, we felt they wouldn't have been comfortable with the grief we would inevitably have expressed. We were enormously fortunate in that one of his oldest friends was able to write and read a beautiful eulogy.
It had the added benefit that my brother and I were able to physically and emotionally support our mother while she was reminded of the life they'd shared for almost 60 years.
I'll never regret doing it the way we did it, and I recognise that we were very lucky to have had someone who was willing and able to do what we felt unable to do. A eulogy is a big deal, and there's no shame in recognising that it might be better to step back. f
k knows, there are plenty of other things that need doing that aren't as visible.
We thought long and hard about one or both of us reading a eulogy, but despite the fact that everyone at the funeral would have been rooting for us, we felt they wouldn't have been comfortable with the grief we would inevitably have expressed. We were enormously fortunate in that one of his oldest friends was able to write and read a beautiful eulogy.
It had the added benefit that my brother and I were able to physically and emotionally support our mother while she was reminded of the life they'd shared for almost 60 years.
I'll never regret doing it the way we did it, and I recognise that we were very lucky to have had someone who was willing and able to do what we felt unable to do. A eulogy is a big deal, and there's no shame in recognising that it might be better to step back. f
k knows, there are plenty of other things that need doing that aren't as visible. There's a lot of really sound advice contained in the above posts.
However, I would be cautious about mentioning anyone by name in your eulogy, with the possible exception of wife/parents/children. No matter how hard you try and how careful you are, you will always leave somebody who deems themselves worthy of a mention, out and include a person that someone else deems to be unworthy of a mention.
You will never get it right so the phrase "you know who you are" when thanking people, covers most bases.
Good luck!
However, I would be cautious about mentioning anyone by name in your eulogy, with the possible exception of wife/parents/children. No matter how hard you try and how careful you are, you will always leave somebody who deems themselves worthy of a mention, out and include a person that someone else deems to be unworthy of a mention.
You will never get it right so the phrase "you know who you are" when thanking people, covers most bases.
Good luck!
Boozy, make sure you speak at length with the widow, write and deliver her words on her behalf she'll regret in time to come if her story isn't told at the funeral.
When you have the jist of her story just sit down quietly and put pen to paper, from somewhere the words will flow, don't be afraid to make some light hearted comments, a eulogy is a short celebration of a person just departed who should be remembered well and truthfully.
Hopefully any children will write and tell their own story in their own words.
When you have the jist of her story just sit down quietly and put pen to paper, from somewhere the words will flow, don't be afraid to make some light hearted comments, a eulogy is a short celebration of a person just departed who should be remembered well and truthfully.
Hopefully any children will write and tell their own story in their own words.
The celebrate can give most of his life story so you can speak for as short or long a time as you wish.
I’ve shamefully always avoided having to speak at funerals so I can’t speak from experience. Whilst it might bring comfort to the close family to ask some to give a speech at a funeral it really can put that person in an awful and stressful position, at a time when they are upset too. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in that person admitting it would be too difficult for them to do.
But if you do do it, how about mentioning your adventures together when you were kids, and how good a mate he was, then move on to how pleased you were when he met his wife and had children etc, and how much he loved them.
Was there something funny you both got up to as friends, something you always think about when you think of him? Or a funny or touching event involving him and his family.
I’ve shamefully always avoided having to speak at funerals so I can’t speak from experience. Whilst it might bring comfort to the close family to ask some to give a speech at a funeral it really can put that person in an awful and stressful position, at a time when they are upset too. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in that person admitting it would be too difficult for them to do.
But if you do do it, how about mentioning your adventures together when you were kids, and how good a mate he was, then move on to how pleased you were when he met his wife and had children etc, and how much he loved them.
Was there something funny you both got up to as friends, something you always think about when you think of him? Or a funny or touching event involving him and his family.
Edited by LeadFarmer on Sunday 21st August 15:25
Went to a buddies funeral last week, he was always a joker, but dropped on the spot at 49, so had not planned anything to be said on the day etc
Nicest one I have ever been to, we were all asked to wear bright colours, Hawaiian shirts etc.
Couple of the lads that had known him the longest got up and talked. They were more like best man speeches, everyone was laughing and clapping, he would have loved it.
As the curtain started to go around the coffin at the end, the music cranked up and the singer belted out "Burn baby burn, disco inferno" the place was in hysterics. I just imagined him sat at the back of the hall creasing himself.
Its exactly what he would have done for any of those lads, what a way to be remembered
Nicest one I have ever been to, we were all asked to wear bright colours, Hawaiian shirts etc.
Couple of the lads that had known him the longest got up and talked. They were more like best man speeches, everyone was laughing and clapping, he would have loved it.
As the curtain started to go around the coffin at the end, the music cranked up and the singer belted out "Burn baby burn, disco inferno" the place was in hysterics. I just imagined him sat at the back of the hall creasing himself.
Its exactly what he would have done for any of those lads, what a way to be remembered
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