Perfectionism, or, never being satisfied
Discussion
Does anyone else find themselves endlessly dissatisfied with things?
The older I get, the more aware I feel of my frustration in trying to always get things "right" - I used to think this was just a facet of being hardworking, which I guess is true to some degree, but it's more than that, it's as if I will not allow myself to enjoy anything or feel pride in anything unless I've worked myself virtually to death to achieve it.
Maybe this is just the next phase of my journey to becoming a difficult, bitter, cantankerous old man...
I have been lucky enough to be, by some arbitrary measure, successful in life and I have a lovely home, nice cars and money in the bank. But, I have worked insanely hard at times to get here, and I honestly don't think any of it is worth it if I don't find a way to stop striving for utterly impossible perfection in a way that is just stupid and unrealistic.
Anyone else ever felt similar and found a way to tone it down and just enjoy life a little?
The older I get, the more aware I feel of my frustration in trying to always get things "right" - I used to think this was just a facet of being hardworking, which I guess is true to some degree, but it's more than that, it's as if I will not allow myself to enjoy anything or feel pride in anything unless I've worked myself virtually to death to achieve it.
Maybe this is just the next phase of my journey to becoming a difficult, bitter, cantankerous old man...
I have been lucky enough to be, by some arbitrary measure, successful in life and I have a lovely home, nice cars and money in the bank. But, I have worked insanely hard at times to get here, and I honestly don't think any of it is worth it if I don't find a way to stop striving for utterly impossible perfection in a way that is just stupid and unrealistic.
Anyone else ever felt similar and found a way to tone it down and just enjoy life a little?
Getting old and lack of a hobby / feeling of worth to society.
This was what my Dad was told when he was like this as he knew he wasn't making anything any more functional than needed, just driving everyone mad being over-involved in anything he started in.
Found his footing as part of a "Friends off xxx Railway Station" and managed all their plants, mini DIY jobs etc.
This was what my Dad was told when he was like this as he knew he wasn't making anything any more functional than needed, just driving everyone mad being over-involved in anything he started in.
Found his footing as part of a "Friends off xxx Railway Station" and managed all their plants, mini DIY jobs etc.
The fact that you have some awareness of this is great.
And that you're a bit concerned that you may slide into 'cantankerous old man' territory is also great. I guess we all know people like that. We look at their lives and ask ourselves 'why are they so bloody miserable?!"
The 'tone it down a bit' approach to perfection makes sense in the conscious, rational way. But your striving may come from deeper down; unconscious. So, if you try to put the brakes on the unconscious, another part of you could be foot down on the accelerator to compensate. Which is bloody tiring - ask me how I know.
Don't want to sound all woo-woo here - but it may be that befriending the perfectionism would help, rather than full-on battle. It's served you well; work with it.
Happy to chat on PM. I have been there
And that you're a bit concerned that you may slide into 'cantankerous old man' territory is also great. I guess we all know people like that. We look at their lives and ask ourselves 'why are they so bloody miserable?!"
The 'tone it down a bit' approach to perfection makes sense in the conscious, rational way. But your striving may come from deeper down; unconscious. So, if you try to put the brakes on the unconscious, another part of you could be foot down on the accelerator to compensate. Which is bloody tiring - ask me how I know.
Don't want to sound all woo-woo here - but it may be that befriending the perfectionism would help, rather than full-on battle. It's served you well; work with it.
Happy to chat on PM. I have been there
My question for the OP is whether you have children or have had any other caring role? I don't have kids but one experience that did level me out with regards my expectations of things was 2 years of looking after my late father who had alzheimers and other health conditions. Having to regularly help him out of bed he could pee (mostly) into a bottle or shuffle to the toilet for a poo and sometimes drop some of it onto the carpet before he got there made me feel a bit differently about expecting things to be just-so.
Doofus said:
Seriously though, the best is the enemy of the good.
Obviously it depends upon what you actually do, but in my experience being overly (and probably unnecessarily) pernickety just wastes time and pisses other people off.
Not particularly helpful, I suspect.
Sterillium said:
Does anyone else find themselves endlessly dissatisfied with things?
The older I get, the more aware I feel of my frustration in trying to always get things "right" - I used to think this was just a facet of being hardworking, which I guess is true to some degree, but it's more than that, it's as if I will not allow myself to enjoy anything or feel pride in anything unless I've worked myself virtually to death to achieve it.
Maybe this is just the next phase of my journey to becoming a difficult, bitter, cantankerous old man...
I have been lucky enough to be, by some arbitrary measure, successful in life and I have a lovely home, nice cars and money in the bank. But, I have worked insanely hard at times to get here, and I honestly don't think any of it is worth it if I don't find a way to stop striving for utterly impossible perfection in a way that is just stupid and unrealistic.
Anyone else ever felt similar and found a way to tone it down and just enjoy life a little?
I think I know the answer.The older I get, the more aware I feel of my frustration in trying to always get things "right" - I used to think this was just a facet of being hardworking, which I guess is true to some degree, but it's more than that, it's as if I will not allow myself to enjoy anything or feel pride in anything unless I've worked myself virtually to death to achieve it.
Maybe this is just the next phase of my journey to becoming a difficult, bitter, cantankerous old man...
I have been lucky enough to be, by some arbitrary measure, successful in life and I have a lovely home, nice cars and money in the bank. But, I have worked insanely hard at times to get here, and I honestly don't think any of it is worth it if I don't find a way to stop striving for utterly impossible perfection in a way that is just stupid and unrealistic.
Anyone else ever felt similar and found a way to tone it down and just enjoy life a little?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVLxt5tW_Z4
Sadly I am exactly the same. I used to adore restoring car or motorcycles, more than actually using them, but they were never 'right' to me. So I always sold them as I was so dissatisfied and only saw the faults and errors I'd made or allowed through.
It was only when seeing them later (in someone else's happy ownership) that I realised just how good they were. At that point, I started kicking myself for selling them...
I'm still the same just now I spend fortunes on paying other people to make things perfect for me (I broke my back so a bit crippled) and I still see all the faults and occasionally, I have to get other, more sensible/realistic people involved to see how ridiculous I am being.
It was only when seeing them later (in someone else's happy ownership) that I realised just how good they were. At that point, I started kicking myself for selling them...
I'm still the same just now I spend fortunes on paying other people to make things perfect for me (I broke my back so a bit crippled) and I still see all the faults and occasionally, I have to get other, more sensible/realistic people involved to see how ridiculous I am being.
Not a perfectionist but worry about not being productive.
I have the usual stuff...cars, homes etc, but I still work to keep myself interested. For me cars are for using, so the odd nick is not going to ruin my day.
I do think that some kind of pursuit , possible a non-profit might be a good way to use your abilities to solve other problems rather than look inward.
I have the usual stuff...cars, homes etc, but I still work to keep myself interested. For me cars are for using, so the odd nick is not going to ruin my day.
I do think that some kind of pursuit , possible a non-profit might be a good way to use your abilities to solve other problems rather than look inward.
I suspect your professional/business success and frustration with things not being just right are two sides of the same coin. Maybe as you step back from one, your perfectionism is attaching to more trivial issues.
The suggestion of golf isn't a bad one. The things I love - music, skiing, shooting, fishing, training dogs, it's unrealistic to be perfect at them so can enjoy the activity and the company it brings (or not) for it's own sake.
The suggestion of golf isn't a bad one. The things I love - music, skiing, shooting, fishing, training dogs, it's unrealistic to be perfect at them so can enjoy the activity and the company it brings (or not) for it's own sake.
Not golf for heaven's sake. After a few weeks or months at a club most golfers will have made par on every hole at some point. Very good ones will have birdied every hole.
Thus, whenever they play the course until their dying day, they will never do as well as they have already proved themselves capable of.
Thus, whenever they play the course until their dying day, they will never do as well as they have already proved themselves capable of.
Turtle Shed said:
Not golf for heaven's sake. After a few weeks or months at a club most golfers will have made par on every hole at some point. Very good ones will have birdied every hole.
Thus, whenever they play the course until their dying day, they will never do as well as they have already proved themselves capable of.
Exactly my point.Thus, whenever they play the course until their dying day, they will never do as well as they have already proved themselves capable of.
If you can survive that then you will be cured.
I still maintain I am capable of going round in level par, but it never bloody happens!
I have parred every hole, birdied about half of them and even eagled three of them but I still play off about 15.
Thinking about it............ don't play golf.
Eh - it is probably innate.
I once asked my parents why they had a fairly 'hands off' approach to my education, upbringing etc, and they told me why
Eldest child, was bribed, cajoled, threatened etc to work hard. She coasted, doing just enough to get the grades etc she needed (i.e. A D E at A levels, which was just enough to get her to the course she wanted - the A was in a subject she liked) She's always been content, chill and happy - spent a long time as a teaching assistant after a career break to look after kids, has always volunteered to help mentally handicapped)
Middle child - they had to try and stop her obsessing over work. Even a meaningless in term school exam would have her not sleeping through stress. She ended up being a high flying investment banking lawyer. But she's never really been content/ satisfied - hated her job but it was what other people thought was success, so she did it. Things must be perfect. We still tease her that her kitchen is almost useless, because the rules she has in place to stop any marks - well, they make it almost useless. My eldest sister's place - is rather messy/ untidy/ 'lived in'
So, with me, they didn't bother, figuring they couldn't do much about it. I'm somewhere in between my two sisters - had a great career until I stopped enjoying it, but as soon as I stopped, the impact was so obvious on my performance I got fired pretty fast.
From the outside, the middle sister is the most successful, but you would be much happier being me or the eldest.
Or as I said as my career was coming to an end - "happiness is low expectations".
I once asked my parents why they had a fairly 'hands off' approach to my education, upbringing etc, and they told me why
Eldest child, was bribed, cajoled, threatened etc to work hard. She coasted, doing just enough to get the grades etc she needed (i.e. A D E at A levels, which was just enough to get her to the course she wanted - the A was in a subject she liked) She's always been content, chill and happy - spent a long time as a teaching assistant after a career break to look after kids, has always volunteered to help mentally handicapped)
Middle child - they had to try and stop her obsessing over work. Even a meaningless in term school exam would have her not sleeping through stress. She ended up being a high flying investment banking lawyer. But she's never really been content/ satisfied - hated her job but it was what other people thought was success, so she did it. Things must be perfect. We still tease her that her kitchen is almost useless, because the rules she has in place to stop any marks - well, they make it almost useless. My eldest sister's place - is rather messy/ untidy/ 'lived in'
So, with me, they didn't bother, figuring they couldn't do much about it. I'm somewhere in between my two sisters - had a great career until I stopped enjoying it, but as soon as I stopped, the impact was so obvious on my performance I got fired pretty fast.
From the outside, the middle sister is the most successful, but you would be much happier being me or the eldest.
Or as I said as my career was coming to an end - "happiness is low expectations".
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