12yr old lacking in confidence
Discussion
OK at Judo, a couple of people have noticed if I leave the building my son walks round asking for me, he looks worried and scared. The thing is he knows that I pop out if I'm not training.
Again tonight, he questions himself, I said he smashed his recent 12+ (he did) and his reply was 'did I really, I don't think I did'. I replied you'll find that your biggest enemy in life is yourself. Etc.
Hes a fantastic lad, cheeky but bright.
However hes full of self doubt. Is this normal, those who have had lads at this/a similar age?
Again tonight, he questions himself, I said he smashed his recent 12+ (he did) and his reply was 'did I really, I don't think I did'. I replied you'll find that your biggest enemy in life is yourself. Etc.
Hes a fantastic lad, cheeky but bright.
However hes full of self doubt. Is this normal, those who have had lads at this/a similar age?
vaud said:
Not sure phrases like this help at that age, "I replied you'll find that your biggest enemy in life is yourself."
Any mentor figure that he could connect with? Uncle, cousin, etc? Someone who isn't dad?
Sometimes another male, rather than Dad, can give exactly the same advice and it is more readily accepted. Possibly because they know you will say things, but accept it from others as more ‘genuine’.Any mentor figure that he could connect with? Uncle, cousin, etc? Someone who isn't dad?
Cadets, scouts, outward bounds, all can help focus on self-reliance and so build self-confidence.
Edited by dukeboy749r on Tuesday 11th October 08:47
AndyAudi said:
Hugo Stiglitz said:
Is this normal, those who have had lads at this/a similar age?
Been a youth leader for many years with kids 10-18, 100% “Normal” , confidence grows, especially if you can get them doing activities/events without you
ts that lack self awareness. Not all, but many. Hugo Stiglitz said:
OK at Judo, a couple of people have noticed if I leave the building my son walks round asking for me, he looks worried and scared. The thing is he knows that I pop out if I'm not training.
Again tonight, he questions himself, I said he smashed his recent 12+ (he did) and his reply was 'did I really, I don't think I did'. I replied you'll find that your biggest enemy in life is yourself. Etc.
Hes a fantastic lad, cheeky but bright.
However hes full of self doubt. Is this normal, those who have had lads at this/a similar age?
Does he actually like Judo and/or the group he does it with?Again tonight, he questions himself, I said he smashed his recent 12+ (he did) and his reply was 'did I really, I don't think I did'. I replied you'll find that your biggest enemy in life is yourself. Etc.
Hes a fantastic lad, cheeky but bright.
However hes full of self doubt. Is this normal, those who have had lads at this/a similar age?
You said in an earlier thread you were 'emotionally distant'. Do you think this might have had an effect on the child? Anxiety disorders are less common in boys of that age than girls but they can still pop up. How's he sleeping? How's school going? Is he progressing at the same rate as others in his year?
They all do that sir. Learning to be an adult but no experience to measure against yet.
One general point for dealing with teenagers, which he will soon be (apols if you know this already). Try not to make everything you do with them or convo you have into a life lesson of the 'worst enemy is yourself' variety. It's true but it doesn't help them. Just shoot the sh*t, chat, empathise etc.
As they get older your influence as a parent wanes, you have to work at staying in touch with their lives. Every opp to share your fatherly wisdom has the be bought with hours of agenda-free engagement. Otherwise they switch off completely.
One general point for dealing with teenagers, which he will soon be (apols if you know this already). Try not to make everything you do with them or convo you have into a life lesson of the 'worst enemy is yourself' variety. It's true but it doesn't help them. Just shoot the sh*t, chat, empathise etc.
As they get older your influence as a parent wanes, you have to work at staying in touch with their lives. Every opp to share your fatherly wisdom has the be bought with hours of agenda-free engagement. Otherwise they switch off completely.
Questioning your performance like that makes you better. Confidence is how you get to Trump, Boris Johnson, and the thousands of other inadequate male leaders we have. We think confidence is a necessary and important attribute for leaders and especially for men. In reality it reduces performance.
Your sons questioning shows he is thinking and reflecting on his performance. Seems like a good thing.
The behaviour at Judo feels like something else, though. Thats not about confidence. Perhaps he’s shy, or has some social anxiety, or similar?
Your sons questioning shows he is thinking and reflecting on his performance. Seems like a good thing.
The behaviour at Judo feels like something else, though. Thats not about confidence. Perhaps he’s shy, or has some social anxiety, or similar?
A bit of that in a judo setting is a very good thing. Last thing you want in there is too much of an ego - there’s always someone bigger and stronger ready to chuck you across the mat.
That said, self confidence in judo is also valuable, so there is a happy medium to find. Do you drill judo at home with him? If not buy some mats and get some reps in after class, reinforce what he’s learning and set him up for the next class/comp.
That said, self confidence in judo is also valuable, so there is a happy medium to find. Do you drill judo at home with him? If not buy some mats and get some reps in after class, reinforce what he’s learning and set him up for the next class/comp.
Agree with others - it is an age where they are suddenly aware of what is on the horizon - being a teenager / growing up / changes / etc. and yet all they know is childhood and the security that comes from that, it is often an age where (boys particularly) articulate it as not wanting to grow up / not wanting to change... it can be a bit scary but they don't know how to express what underlies their worries...
so perhaps for the next year or so it is worth just being around and not popping out, give him the support he needs without making a thing of it, the biggest thing you can do is be there - continue to repeat your belief in him - supportive and encouraging words - lots of quiet 'well done' and 'proud of you' - you don't need to spell it out, they just want to know that you still have their back as they grow up - and agree with others don't complicate it with aphorisms / quotes / etc. - just quiet solid love and support and physically being there....
A 12 year old doesn't physically need you there, but a good way to look at it is that boys grow up from the outside in - they present as older externally, but they take longer to mature internally - which a) gives them emotional conflict but b) means that they do need you longer than you might expect...
so perhaps for the next year or so it is worth just being around and not popping out, give him the support he needs without making a thing of it, the biggest thing you can do is be there - continue to repeat your belief in him - supportive and encouraging words - lots of quiet 'well done' and 'proud of you' - you don't need to spell it out, they just want to know that you still have their back as they grow up - and agree with others don't complicate it with aphorisms / quotes / etc. - just quiet solid love and support and physically being there....
A 12 year old doesn't physically need you there, but a good way to look at it is that boys grow up from the outside in - they present as older externally, but they take longer to mature internally - which a) gives them emotional conflict but b) means that they do need you longer than you might expect...
Is he being allowed enough independence? I was up to all sorts at 12: off out by myself with my own money and set of keys, looking after the house alone, cooking, cleaning and God knows what. I'd ring home from a kiosk if necessary. I am old, however. Are there any clubs or activities he might involve himself in? Can he get the bus to town alone to see friends and what have you?
What's Mum like?
Reason I ask is that my son was very much like yours and still is to a degree (now 23). He got this from my wife. She doesn't like compliments and often thinks she's not that good at things she's actually very good at. That certainly rubbed off on my son though I can't say that it's been anything approaching debilitating for either of them. In many ways, it's quite nice - humbleness can be an endearing trait.
I agree that 12 is probably a bit young to be too getting worried over such things. It's a weird, 'nothing' age yet much is happening down below and around them that can be confusing but they tend to work it out sooner rather than later.
Reason I ask is that my son was very much like yours and still is to a degree (now 23). He got this from my wife. She doesn't like compliments and often thinks she's not that good at things she's actually very good at. That certainly rubbed off on my son though I can't say that it's been anything approaching debilitating for either of them. In many ways, it's quite nice - humbleness can be an endearing trait.
I agree that 12 is probably a bit young to be too getting worried over such things. It's a weird, 'nothing' age yet much is happening down below and around them that can be confusing but they tend to work it out sooner rather than later.
shed driver said:
I'm an instructor with the Army Cadets, kids aged 12 come to us, usually pretty shy. They gain skills, learn lessons in team work, leadership as well as the military stuff.
Yep - was going to post the same. My lad did Air Cadets - hugely beneficial.OP, your son has a voice in his head - an imposter - that is telling him he isn't good enough. Your job is to (1) remind him that he's awesome and (2) support him when he doubts himself.
Sure, life's tough and we are all our own worst enemies at times, but telling him that he is will only reaffirm his imposter syndrome, rather than get him to "buck up".
Ask me how I know (I'm dealing with this in my mid-40s..!).
(My daughter is 12 - she can go on stage and dance in front of any number of people: she was at the All England national finals this summer and is going to the European champs next year. Ask her to read in front of the class and she wants the world to swallow her up. It isn't logical, so what she needs is practical help to channel her dance confidence to reading aloud.)
Sure, life's tough and we are all our own worst enemies at times, but telling him that he is will only reaffirm his imposter syndrome, rather than get him to "buck up".
Ask me how I know (I'm dealing with this in my mid-40s..!).
(My daughter is 12 - she can go on stage and dance in front of any number of people: she was at the All England national finals this summer and is going to the European champs next year. Ask her to read in front of the class and she wants the world to swallow her up. It isn't logical, so what she needs is practical help to channel her dance confidence to reading aloud.)
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