Automotive humour
Discussion
Couldn't find a thread for car jokes, so thought I'd start one.
Ferrari driver is doing 180 mph on a m'way when he hears a tapping sound. He looks out his side window and there's a motorcyclist tapping on it. He winds down his window and says 'what?' The motorcyclist puts a cigarette in his mouth and says 'have you got a light please?'
The Ferrari driver says 'are you crazy, you're going to kill yourself' and the motorcyclist says 'No it's alright, I'm giving up tomorrow'
Ferrari driver is doing 180 mph on a m'way when he hears a tapping sound. He looks out his side window and there's a motorcyclist tapping on it. He winds down his window and says 'what?' The motorcyclist puts a cigarette in his mouth and says 'have you got a light please?'
The Ferrari driver says 'are you crazy, you're going to kill yourself' and the motorcyclist says 'No it's alright, I'm giving up tomorrow'
Young Prince Charles driving along in his Aston Martin when it brakes down.
The AA comes and takes a look at it.
After a short while the breakdown guy gets it running and Charles enquires "What was the matter?"
AA guy replies "Oh, just s
t in ya carb"
Charles responds, "And how often should I do that?"
The AA comes and takes a look at it.
After a short while the breakdown guy gets it running and Charles enquires "What was the matter?"
AA guy replies "Oh, just s
t in ya carb"Charles responds, "And how often should I do that?"
A specialist poultry farmer discovered he was able to breed truly enormous hens. His most prized bird was really big, getting on for the size of a horse, and he wondered what could be done with it to make it useful. Then he had an idea - he could harness the hen to a light trotting cart and use it as cheap a form of transport.
Well, this hen and cart was so quick on the road the farmer soon found it he could do a lot more than just potter to the shops for a pint of milk. It could crack along the local dual carriageway at astounding speed. One day he was rocketing along, pulled by the hen, when there was a loud snap, the harness broke and his cart slowly ground to a halt as the hen, going even quicker without the cart to pull, disappeared off into the distance.
The farmer was a member of AA Relay so phoned the breakdown service to see if they could get him home. The AA operator asked for his membership number and then enquired, "Do you know what's wrong with your vehicle, Sir? Is it a serious failure?".
"Yes, the big 'en's gone."
Well, this hen and cart was so quick on the road the farmer soon found it he could do a lot more than just potter to the shops for a pint of milk. It could crack along the local dual carriageway at astounding speed. One day he was rocketing along, pulled by the hen, when there was a loud snap, the harness broke and his cart slowly ground to a halt as the hen, going even quicker without the cart to pull, disappeared off into the distance.
The farmer was a member of AA Relay so phoned the breakdown service to see if they could get him home. The AA operator asked for his membership number and then enquired, "Do you know what's wrong with your vehicle, Sir? Is it a serious failure?".
"Yes, the big 'en's gone."
So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.
So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but there’s one problem: I’m a horse.” The employee says “no problem come right down we’ll teach you everything you need to know” and before you know it, he’s jamming out on the guitar. After that the cow calls too and says “hey I want to learn how to play the bass but there’s a problem: I’m a cow” to where the employee replies “awesome! We have special bass lessons just for cows this week come on down!” And before you know it the horse and cow are jamming in harmony with their guitar and bass. Lastly the chicken calls and asks for drum lessons, to where he is accepted with open arms. They are now all jamming in the barn and having a blast.
A few days later, a record producer coincidentally walks through town and sees the horse, cow, and the chicken making music. He instantly knows he has to make them famous and offers them a deal. Now the horse, cow, and chicken are famous, worldwide rockstars making millions of dollars and even moved off the farm to a luxurious estate. With the fortune came fame and life was great.
One day, on the way to tour before boarding the plane, the horse gets a phone call, his mom is sick! The cow and the chicken say “don’t worry we’ll go without you, catch up and the tour will continue it’ll be fine” so the horse goes to check on his mother. It turns out it was a false alarm, but the plane crashes and the cow and chicken die.
The horse is devestated, the money power and fame is gone, the music is in the past, and he is back to the barn, but alone without his friends. In agony and desperation after such a long journey, he decides to get a drink. He walks into the bar and the bartender asks:
“Why the long face?”
So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but there’s one problem: I’m a horse.” The employee says “no problem come right down we’ll teach you everything you need to know” and before you know it, he’s jamming out on the guitar. After that the cow calls too and says “hey I want to learn how to play the bass but there’s a problem: I’m a cow” to where the employee replies “awesome! We have special bass lessons just for cows this week come on down!” And before you know it the horse and cow are jamming in harmony with their guitar and bass. Lastly the chicken calls and asks for drum lessons, to where he is accepted with open arms. They are now all jamming in the barn and having a blast.
A few days later, a record producer coincidentally walks through town and sees the horse, cow, and the chicken making music. He instantly knows he has to make them famous and offers them a deal. Now the horse, cow, and chicken are famous, worldwide rockstars making millions of dollars and even moved off the farm to a luxurious estate. With the fortune came fame and life was great.
One day, on the way to tour before boarding the plane, the horse gets a phone call, his mom is sick! The cow and the chicken say “don’t worry we’ll go without you, catch up and the tour will continue it’ll be fine” so the horse goes to check on his mother. It turns out it was a false alarm, but the plane crashes and the cow and chicken die.
The horse is devestated, the money power and fame is gone, the music is in the past, and he is back to the barn, but alone without his friends. In agony and desperation after such a long journey, he decides to get a drink. He walks into the bar and the bartender asks:
“Why the long face?”
A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the local mobile mechanic and they arrived shortly after. The mechanic opened the bonnet and after a while of examining said 'It looks like you've blown a seal'
The man replies quick as a flash 'How dare you, it's just frost on my moustache!'
and....
A blond was desperate for money, so she decided to go to the richer neighbourhoods around town and look for odd jobs. At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?' 'Sure,' smiled the blond, 'I'll do it for £100.' 'Great,' the man replied. 'You'll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.'
The man went back into the house to his wife, who'd been listening. 'A hundred quid! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?' asked the wife. 'Well, she must. She was standing right on it!' he said.
About 45 minutes later, the blond knocked on the door. 'I'm all done,' she reported. The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?' 'Yeah,' the blonde said. 'I even had some left, so I put on two coats!'
The man reached into his wallet to pay her.
'And by the way,' said the blond, 'that's not a Porsche. It's a Ferrari.'
The man replies quick as a flash 'How dare you, it's just frost on my moustache!'
and....
A blond was desperate for money, so she decided to go to the richer neighbourhoods around town and look for odd jobs. At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?' 'Sure,' smiled the blond, 'I'll do it for £100.' 'Great,' the man replied. 'You'll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.'
The man went back into the house to his wife, who'd been listening. 'A hundred quid! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?' asked the wife. 'Well, she must. She was standing right on it!' he said.
About 45 minutes later, the blond knocked on the door. 'I'm all done,' she reported. The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?' 'Yeah,' the blonde said. 'I even had some left, so I put on two coats!'
The man reached into his wallet to pay her.
'And by the way,' said the blond, 'that's not a Porsche. It's a Ferrari.'
Edited by Fermit on Saturday 8th April 09:43
Edited by Fermit on Sunday 9th April 09:14
Old joke incoming...
Three guys were in a pub drinking away and they got chatting at the bar. They couldn't agree on sports or politics and they ended up talking about cars.
The first man says, "well you know I have a big family, work in an astro research facility and drive a Galaxy."
The second man says quietly "I own a lap dancing club and have a beat up Escort with high mileage"
The third man says "i'm a proctologist and drive a brown Probe"
Three guys were in a pub drinking away and they got chatting at the bar. They couldn't agree on sports or politics and they ended up talking about cars.
The first man says, "well you know I have a big family, work in an astro research facility and drive a Galaxy."
The second man says quietly "I own a lap dancing club and have a beat up Escort with high mileage"
The third man says "i'm a proctologist and drive a brown Probe"
dingg said:
ThunderSpook said:
Why do we need a separate thread for car jokes? Sean Connery is all encompassing, otherwise if we have a separate thread for every joke subject there’s be hundreds of the buggers!
.What's the punchline?
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