Abusive relationship - trying to move back in
Discussion
I have a problem.
I was married in July last year and it exploded within 48 hours. She had previous for chronic alcoholism and abusive behaviour. It ended with her moving out in December after she made a false allegation of assault to the local police. I was in a cell for 15 hrs before release and a given a lift home by the awesome young officers who interviewed me. The inspector said that it’s not uncommon for the alleged perpetrator to be the greater victim. I believe she also has narcissistic personality disorder because she then proceeded to call exes, work, family, and other locals in my tiny village. The police interviewed her twice in Feb for civil slander, stalking and harassment. No charges because she stopped the behaviour. I spent last Xmas day uploading videos of her abusing me verbally and physically. She also sent texts about me to family and ex. They were beyond horrid.
Since Feb we have been working with lawyers to get a consent order. This is now ready to be signed. It includes the stipulation that she must give me 48 hrs before attending our house to pick up small items, and that I shall live at the property to the exclusion of her. All the finances are sorted in the CO and she has until last week been behaving.
However…she has told the estate agent that before we put the house on the market, she plans to move back in. This is frankly terrifying.
My lawyers say that the CO - although unsinged – is a Xhidias agreement which means it’s effective because it’s not without prejudice. They say that if she rocks up then I can get the police to read the CO and they ‘should’ move her on. A retired police friend says I should call the police before she arrives and request their presence to try to avoid a breach of the peace. This seems sensible. If they’ll do it. I’m over 50 and have zero police experience but I think they look after the woman before the man? That’s my concern.
She has been to the house once - she was supposed to be here with her (awesome retired Dr brother in law) however she instead returned up with a stranger (to me – possibly her ex). I did not have to leave the house for her visit but I did so to avoid conflict.
She can’t get into the house. Not even with a locksmith. My lawyers say just don’t let her in. That could be awkward.
There are cameras with movement and sound sensors in the sitting room and facing outwards to the drive and in the garage. I turned these off for her visit. I now wish I hadn’t.
I don’t know if I expect advice here, I’m perhaps just looking for similar experiences from others as catharsis. It has been the hardest 6 months of my life (I did post about this last July – literally from our honeymoon. (She regularly passed our covered in vomit in the afternoons. I do not love here anymore. Watching the videos I have no idea how I stayed so calm. I have come closer that I would wish to hating her.
My son (23) lives with me now. If she were to move in it would be beyond awkward.
Thank you for reading.
We met in lockdown. (I know.)
Whirlwind stuff - then. It’s our parents became ill so we decided to get spliced in July last year. We already bought a house together two years ago. The finances are sorted fairly in the consent order. It’s the moving back in that’s a concern. It’s totally against the consent order but the police I think aren’t going to take ages to read a legal document if she turns up.
Is she on the council tax - not since december
Do we have a Xhidias agreement which is enforceable - yes
Would the police care - I think perhaps not
If she moved back in then within hours it would get very messy indeed.
She was dry for the year to our marriage (I made it a condition of our staying together after she attacked me for the second time)
She once said she would slash my throat with a carving knife if I called her family for help. The police asked if I thought she’d do it. I said on balance not. I sometimes wish I’d said yes - threat to life is a serious thing, And 15 hours in a cell overnight with a copy of PACE and a pisspoor Ben Elton novelfocuses the mind somewhat.
We will apply for the divorce on dec 2nd exactly 1 yr after the marriage (huge wedding, 8k engagement ring, my name is now her’s…etc etc no fool like an old one eh?)
Whirlwind stuff - then. It’s our parents became ill so we decided to get spliced in July last year. We already bought a house together two years ago. The finances are sorted fairly in the consent order. It’s the moving back in that’s a concern. It’s totally against the consent order but the police I think aren’t going to take ages to read a legal document if she turns up.
Is she on the council tax - not since december
Do we have a Xhidias agreement which is enforceable - yes
Would the police care - I think perhaps not
If she moved back in then within hours it would get very messy indeed.
She was dry for the year to our marriage (I made it a condition of our staying together after she attacked me for the second time)
She once said she would slash my throat with a carving knife if I called her family for help. The police asked if I thought she’d do it. I said on balance not. I sometimes wish I’d said yes - threat to life is a serious thing, And 15 hours in a cell overnight with a copy of PACE and a pisspoor Ben Elton novelfocuses the mind somewhat.
We will apply for the divorce on dec 2nd exactly 1 yr after the marriage (huge wedding, 8k engagement ring, my name is now her’s…etc etc no fool like an old one eh?)
DickusMaximus said:
My lawyers say just don’t let her in.
One thing I've learned is that it's rarely a good idea to second guess legal advice from professionals.Doubly so on an internet forum.
If your lawyer says don't let her in, don't let her in.
It seems a sensible approach. What is she going to do, call the police? If she does, just show them the CO.
If she calls her lawyer, your lawyer will deal with it.
If she starts smashing things up, your cameras will be on.
Muzzer79 said:
One thing I've learned is that it's rarely a good idea to second guess legal advice from professionals.
Doubly so on an internet forum.
If your lawyer says don't let her in, don't let her in.
It seems a sensible approach. What is she going to do, call the police? If she does, just show them the CO.
If she calls her lawyer, your lawyer will deal with it.
If she starts smashing things up, your cameras will be on.
Indeed. Thank you. I just need you hear it from others I suppose. ‘Kin nightmare. Doubly so on an internet forum.
If your lawyer says don't let her in, don't let her in.
It seems a sensible approach. What is she going to do, call the police? If she does, just show them the CO.
If she calls her lawyer, your lawyer will deal with it.
If she starts smashing things up, your cameras will be on.
Sorry to hear this but another comment from a total stranger to help -do not under any circumstances let her in the house.
In fact if you are that worried I think I might be tempted to call the local Police Station in advance -assuming you even still have one and just let them know ? Maybe ask your Lawyer what else you should be doing.
Hope it all works out for you.
In fact if you are that worried I think I might be tempted to call the local Police Station in advance -assuming you even still have one and just let them know ? Maybe ask your Lawyer what else you should be doing.
Hope it all works out for you.
alscar said:
Sorry to hear this but another comment from a total stranger to help -do not under any circumstances let her in the house.
In fact if you are that worried I think I might be tempted to call the local Police Station in advance -assuming you even still have one and just let them know ? Maybe ask your Lawyer what else you should be doing.
Hope it all works out for you.
Thank you for your kind responseIn fact if you are that worried I think I might be tempted to call the local Police Station in advance -assuming you even still have one and just let them know ? Maybe ask your Lawyer what else you should be doing.
Hope it all works out for you.
I think it’s a case of how / if I can stop her but yes ultimately with the Fort Knox setup I have now she’d need to call a locksmith. And there’s only one lock she could use for access - and the local locksmith is a flying friend whose instructions were ‘I want a lock that would defeat you’. £190 for one door but it fails secure so if that breaks I’m fooked too:-)
All the other doors have Patlocks on (awesome kit) and we never ever use the front door we go out the side with the new lock.
Thanks again. These messages do mean something. I
One time in November we were in the kitchen and she had been going for me for around an hour. I said please just stop now because I was getting chest pains. She said…’good’. Seriously. I told my ex-wife about that and she and her other half had me over Xmas and into January. People have been awesome. I’ve become waaaaay more compassionate. It’s actually helped me at work too - I ‘get’ people more than before and other things I used to worry over I just don’t give a f.
Edited by DickusMaximus on Tuesday 16th May 16:52
I am not legally trained at all but from what you have written above why on earth would you open the door to her ?
Surely unless she arrives armed with a legal document permitting her access she can't actually come in unless you open the door and invite her ?
On what grounds would any magistrate grant her access to your house without you being given the opportunity to explain why you do not want her there ?
I think you may be over thinking things based on your previous nightmare experiences. You have the right security set up from what you have described so it is probably just going to be a bit of a drag between now and when the house is sold.
Chin up and start to see the light at the end of the tunnel
Surely unless she arrives armed with a legal document permitting her access she can't actually come in unless you open the door and invite her ?
On what grounds would any magistrate grant her access to your house without you being given the opportunity to explain why you do not want her there ?
I think you may be over thinking things based on your previous nightmare experiences. You have the right security set up from what you have described so it is probably just going to be a bit of a drag between now and when the house is sold.
Chin up and start to see the light at the end of the tunnel
Yex GTR said:
I am not legally trained at all but from what you have written above why on earth would you open the door to her ?
Surely unless she arrives armed with a legal document permitting her access she can't actually come in unless you open the door and invite her ?
On what grounds would any magistrate grant her access to your house without you being given the opportunity to explain why you do not want her there ?
I think you may be over thinking things based on your previous nightmare experiences. You have the right security set up from what you have described so it is probably just going to be a bit of a drag between now and when the house is sold.
Chin up and start to see the light at the end of the tunnel
Yep - agree all that. Spose it’s because she’s on the deeds to the house. It’s still ‘our’ house although my home. But I yes she has moved out ‘officially’Surely unless she arrives armed with a legal document permitting her access she can't actually come in unless you open the door and invite her ?
On what grounds would any magistrate grant her access to your house without you being given the opportunity to explain why you do not want her there ?
I think you may be over thinking things based on your previous nightmare experiences. You have the right security set up from what you have described so it is probably just going to be a bit of a drag between now and when the house is sold.
Chin up and start to see the light at the end of the tunnel
Thank you
My suggestion is if yo are not sure that the Police will read the document in haste and are genuinely fearful, ask for your local police officer to pop over and chat it through in advance. If they can get some notes on the system surely that is a head start?
Perhaps they are too busy nowadays but it does not hurt to ask.
Perhaps they are too busy nowadays but it does not hurt to ask.
surveyor said:
My suggestion is if yo are not sure that the Police will read the document in haste and are genuinely fearful, ask for your local police officer to pop over and chat it through in advance. If they can get some notes on the system surely that is a head start?
Perhaps they are too busy nowadays but it does not hurt to ask.
Excellent idea. I’ll do it. Perhaps they are too busy nowadays but it does not hurt to ask.
surveyor said:
My suggestion is if yo are not sure that the Police will read the document in haste and are genuinely fearful, ask for your local police officer to pop over and chat it through in advance. If they can get some notes on the system surely that is a head start?
Perhaps they are too busy nowadays but it does not hurt to ask.
Excellent idea. I’ll do it. Perhaps they are too busy nowadays but it does not hurt to ask.
I called the local police
Pretty sure it was the lovey pc I spoke with in January who was incredibly helpful and sympathetic (similar crisis but 20 years not 2)
She’s got no idea about the civil side but said don’t let her in so if she tries to break in or is in any way abusive then it’s 999 and they’ll be here on the hurry up. Feel much better because they aeem to take into account the two warnings from the pc in feb which are presumably on their computer. It certainly changed the tone of the call when i
Said re stalking harrasmwnt and slander and her being called in twice and told to pack in the looney stuff.
Phew
Pretty sure it was the lovey pc I spoke with in January who was incredibly helpful and sympathetic (similar crisis but 20 years not 2)
She’s got no idea about the civil side but said don’t let her in so if she tries to break in or is in any way abusive then it’s 999 and they’ll be here on the hurry up. Feel much better because they aeem to take into account the two warnings from the pc in feb which are presumably on their computer. It certainly changed the tone of the call when i
Said re stalking harrasmwnt and slander and her being called in twice and told to pack in the looney stuff.
Phew
DickusMaximus said:
Yex GTR said:
I am not legally trained at all but from what you have written above why on earth would you open the door to her ?
Surely unless she arrives armed with a legal document permitting her access she can't actually come in unless you open the door and invite her ?
On what grounds would any magistrate grant her access to your house without you being given the opportunity to explain why you do not want her there ?
I think you may be over thinking things based on your previous nightmare experiences. You have the right security set up from what you have described so it is probably just going to be a bit of a drag between now and when the house is sold.
Chin up and start to see the light at the end of the tunnel
Yep - agree all that. Spose it’s because she’s on the deeds to the house. It’s still ‘our’ house although my home. But I yes she has moved out ‘officially’Surely unless she arrives armed with a legal document permitting her access she can't actually come in unless you open the door and invite her ?
On what grounds would any magistrate grant her access to your house without you being given the opportunity to explain why you do not want her there ?
I think you may be over thinking things based on your previous nightmare experiences. You have the right security set up from what you have described so it is probably just going to be a bit of a drag between now and when the house is sold.
Chin up and start to see the light at the end of the tunnel
Thank you
You have my sympathy sir.
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