I want to give up everything I've worked so hard for
Discussion
Feeling SO fed up right now, and angry, and scared.
I worked really hard at school, got top grades, got into a very well-regarded university etc. with a good degree (not hugely marketable, but useful for certain skills, and then gained post-graduate professional qualifications on top). All this designed to live independently, as my family have issues of their own and can't help me out, and I've got a dread of relying on anyone financially.
I've been working for the last 15 years in a series of fairly well-paid professional jobs, enough to pay my rent and enjoy socialising in London to a certain degree. I've saved a bit but never managed to save enough for a deposit on my own.
A company I thought was pretty secure to work within, as I have for several years, has now turned around and said they're restructuring. My role effectively no longer exists, they've suggested I can interview for a fairly similar role but it would be more and less interesting work.
My landlord this week has said he wants to put the rent up to an amount which would wipe out any saving ability I have, and while I love living where I do, I'm also aware of the drawbacks. It's polluted, it's noisy, I can't do my favourite hobby to the degree I like (it'd be easier in the countryside) but on the other hand it's close to my friends and other things good for my mental health.
I don't know what to do. I feel torn; on one hand I've got visions of the space and freedom to do my hobby in the countryside but I'm sure it'd be very lonely. And the rent up North would be substantially cheaper but I'm scared I won't find a well-paying job to cover it. I know various areas in the North pretty well, but I moved to London as I suffered from depression there, and I'm scared it'd return if I made the move. All the things I'd put in place to keep me feeling secure are up in the air...any advice about how to proceed would be so welcome. What should my next step be?
I worked really hard at school, got top grades, got into a very well-regarded university etc. with a good degree (not hugely marketable, but useful for certain skills, and then gained post-graduate professional qualifications on top). All this designed to live independently, as my family have issues of their own and can't help me out, and I've got a dread of relying on anyone financially.
I've been working for the last 15 years in a series of fairly well-paid professional jobs, enough to pay my rent and enjoy socialising in London to a certain degree. I've saved a bit but never managed to save enough for a deposit on my own.
A company I thought was pretty secure to work within, as I have for several years, has now turned around and said they're restructuring. My role effectively no longer exists, they've suggested I can interview for a fairly similar role but it would be more and less interesting work.
My landlord this week has said he wants to put the rent up to an amount which would wipe out any saving ability I have, and while I love living where I do, I'm also aware of the drawbacks. It's polluted, it's noisy, I can't do my favourite hobby to the degree I like (it'd be easier in the countryside) but on the other hand it's close to my friends and other things good for my mental health.
I don't know what to do. I feel torn; on one hand I've got visions of the space and freedom to do my hobby in the countryside but I'm sure it'd be very lonely. And the rent up North would be substantially cheaper but I'm scared I won't find a well-paying job to cover it. I know various areas in the North pretty well, but I moved to London as I suffered from depression there, and I'm scared it'd return if I made the move. All the things I'd put in place to keep me feeling secure are up in the air...any advice about how to proceed would be so welcome. What should my next step be?
Hi, sorry to hear of your situation.
In your place, I would be going through the process to apply for the revised role regardless of whether you feel it a long term gig or not, just to have it in your back pocket.
If your firm is taking the opportunity to reevaluate their view on you, do the same with them, as you won’t be restricted to jobs just under their roof!
That should include options outside London, maybe outside the U.K., based on how adventurous you are feeling.
In terms of the rent, this is a separate matter, don’t let the 2 issues become combined as you will be paralysed.
Can you offset the increase for a few months or sign for a shorter tenancy period by chance?
Talk to the landlord and let them know, they maybe loathe to lose a good tenant.
I’ve been in your position twice and was afraid.
So don’t feel alone in this.
What I managed to do was position it, so that if change was going to be forced upon me, it either was going to happen to me or I was going to control it.
So break down exactly what you want, don’t try and “combine” many different challenges, articulate them then go at them one by one.
Outline what your hobby is, it might create some further thoughts as to what you can do / where you can go, if you feel it’s appropriate.
The friends and socials will generally fall into place if the other two sides of your triangle are there, the home and work life.
Good luck, and don’t take anything thats happening personally, conversely, you owe them nothing also, works both ways!
In your place, I would be going through the process to apply for the revised role regardless of whether you feel it a long term gig or not, just to have it in your back pocket.
If your firm is taking the opportunity to reevaluate their view on you, do the same with them, as you won’t be restricted to jobs just under their roof!
That should include options outside London, maybe outside the U.K., based on how adventurous you are feeling.
In terms of the rent, this is a separate matter, don’t let the 2 issues become combined as you will be paralysed.
Can you offset the increase for a few months or sign for a shorter tenancy period by chance?
Talk to the landlord and let them know, they maybe loathe to lose a good tenant.
I’ve been in your position twice and was afraid.
So don’t feel alone in this.
What I managed to do was position it, so that if change was going to be forced upon me, it either was going to happen to me or I was going to control it.
So break down exactly what you want, don’t try and “combine” many different challenges, articulate them then go at them one by one.
Outline what your hobby is, it might create some further thoughts as to what you can do / where you can go, if you feel it’s appropriate.
The friends and socials will generally fall into place if the other two sides of your triangle are there, the home and work life.
Good luck, and don’t take anything thats happening personally, conversely, you owe them nothing also, works both ways!
Edited by 996Type on Sunday 21st May 10:46
You never said what your hobby is.
Houses around the Cltheroe area (Pendle Witch country) a decent two bed house can be had for around £750pm, far far cheaper than London one of my lads was paying £1800pm, but has now moved back up North, but he wfh in IT.
The area is lovely with Skipton/Manchester not too far away and people generally are very friendly.
Just a suggestion, but good luck.
Houses around the Cltheroe area (Pendle Witch country) a decent two bed house can be had for around £750pm, far far cheaper than London one of my lads was paying £1800pm, but has now moved back up North, but he wfh in IT.
The area is lovely with Skipton/Manchester not too far away and people generally are very friendly.
Just a suggestion, but good luck.
When my old man was about the same age as the OP he was minding his own business learning the trade of a butcher in East London. He was married, had a four year old son and another on the way.
Then one day, through absolutely no fault of his own, he found himself personally and collectively at war with Germany. His job went out of the window, and instead he suddenly was a full time fireman in the Docklands. Out every night in the blitz, trying not to get buried under collapsing buildings and always waiting for the bomb with his name on it.
And the family he had married into? Well, being Jewish he had no doubt as to what their fate would be if the Nazis prevailed, and it looked very much that way for most of the war. They were evacuated out to the countryside and he got to see them very rarely.
He got through this entirely without the help of counsellors offering psychological support, even without strangers on the internet to rely on,of course.
The OP’s job has gone a bit sour, the landlord’s put the rent up and he can’t indulge his hobby as conveniently as he would like. As my dad used to say, God help us if there’s another war.
Then one day, through absolutely no fault of his own, he found himself personally and collectively at war with Germany. His job went out of the window, and instead he suddenly was a full time fireman in the Docklands. Out every night in the blitz, trying not to get buried under collapsing buildings and always waiting for the bomb with his name on it.
And the family he had married into? Well, being Jewish he had no doubt as to what their fate would be if the Nazis prevailed, and it looked very much that way for most of the war. They were evacuated out to the countryside and he got to see them very rarely.
He got through this entirely without the help of counsellors offering psychological support, even without strangers on the internet to rely on,of course.
The OP’s job has gone a bit sour, the landlord’s put the rent up and he can’t indulge his hobby as conveniently as he would like. As my dad used to say, God help us if there’s another war.
Roofless Toothless said:
When my old man was about the same age as the OP he was minding his own business learning the trade of a butcher in East London. He was married, had a four year old son and another on the way.
Then one day, through absolutely no fault of his own, he found himself personally and collectively at war with Germany. His job went out of the window, and instead he suddenly was a full time fireman in the Docklands. Out every night in the blitz, trying not to get buried under collapsing buildings and always waiting for the bomb with his name on it.
And the family he had married into? Well, being Jewish he had no doubt as to what their fate would be if the Nazis prevailed, and it looked very much that way for most of the war. They were evacuated out to the countryside and he got to see them very rarely.
He got through this entirely without the help of counsellors offering psychological support, even without strangers on the internet to rely on,of course.
The OP’s job has gone a bit sour, the landlord’s put the rent up and he can’t indulge his hobby as conveniently as he would like. As my dad used to say, God help us if there’s another war.
Well that's a pointless, boring and unkind post.Then one day, through absolutely no fault of his own, he found himself personally and collectively at war with Germany. His job went out of the window, and instead he suddenly was a full time fireman in the Docklands. Out every night in the blitz, trying not to get buried under collapsing buildings and always waiting for the bomb with his name on it.
And the family he had married into? Well, being Jewish he had no doubt as to what their fate would be if the Nazis prevailed, and it looked very much that way for most of the war. They were evacuated out to the countryside and he got to see them very rarely.
He got through this entirely without the help of counsellors offering psychological support, even without strangers on the internet to rely on,of course.
The OP’s job has gone a bit sour, the landlord’s put the rent up and he can’t indulge his hobby as conveniently as he would like. As my dad used to say, God help us if there’s another war.
Why not bugger off if you have nothing to contribute?
Roofless Toothless said:
<snip>
This is not helpful, about your own experience, or contemporary, and to be honest I've no idea why you've posted it in response to someone's request for help. Perhaps you might reconsider it.--
OP, sorry you're having a hard time right now.
What I suspect you've really worked hard for is capability, rather than the specifics or circumstances of where it puts you at any given moment.
You still have that capability, you may just need to find somewhere new to direct it.
You don't say what your job is (approximately), or what your hobby is, both of which are probably helpful for providing more specific advice and perspectives.
Sorry to hear this op.
I was in a similar situation around 10 years ago and found reading The 4 1/2 Hour Work Week and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck (now on Netflix) was really helpful at restructuring what I wanted out of life vs just a good salary. And as my great grandmother always said - everything happens for a reason. Try and find some positives out of this.
I was in a similar situation around 10 years ago and found reading The 4 1/2 Hour Work Week and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck (now on Netflix) was really helpful at restructuring what I wanted out of life vs just a good salary. And as my great grandmother always said - everything happens for a reason. Try and find some positives out of this.
996Type said:
Hi, sorry to hear of your situation.
In your place, I would be going through the process to apply for the revised role regardless of whether you feel it a long term gig or not, just to have it in your back pocket.
If your firm is taking the opportunity to reevaluate their view on you, do the same with them, as you won’t be restricted to jobs just under their roof!
That should include options outside London, maybe outside the U.K., based on how adventurous you are feeling.
In terms of the rent, this is a separate matter, don’t let the 2 issues become combined as you will be paralysed.
Can you offset the increase for a few months or sign for a shorter tenancy period by chance?
Talk to the landlord and let them know, they maybe loathe to lose a good tenant.
I’ve been in your position twice and was afraid.
So don’t feel alone in this.
What I managed to do was position it, so that if change was going to be forced upon me, it either was going to happen to me or I was going to control it.
So break down exactly what you want, don’t try and “combine” many different challenges, articulate them then go at them one by one.
Outline what your hobby is, it might create some further thoughts as to what you can do / where you can go, if you feel it’s appropriate.
The friends and socials will generally fall into place if the other two sides of your triangle are there, the home and work life.
Good luck, and don’t take anything thats happening personally, conversely, you owe them nothing also, works both ways!
Wow, this is a very thoughtful considerate response.In your place, I would be going through the process to apply for the revised role regardless of whether you feel it a long term gig or not, just to have it in your back pocket.
If your firm is taking the opportunity to reevaluate their view on you, do the same with them, as you won’t be restricted to jobs just under their roof!
That should include options outside London, maybe outside the U.K., based on how adventurous you are feeling.
In terms of the rent, this is a separate matter, don’t let the 2 issues become combined as you will be paralysed.
Can you offset the increase for a few months or sign for a shorter tenancy period by chance?
Talk to the landlord and let them know, they maybe loathe to lose a good tenant.
I’ve been in your position twice and was afraid.
So don’t feel alone in this.
What I managed to do was position it, so that if change was going to be forced upon me, it either was going to happen to me or I was going to control it.
So break down exactly what you want, don’t try and “combine” many different challenges, articulate them then go at them one by one.
Outline what your hobby is, it might create some further thoughts as to what you can do / where you can go, if you feel it’s appropriate.
The friends and socials will generally fall into place if the other two sides of your triangle are there, the home and work life.
Good luck, and don’t take anything thats happening personally, conversely, you owe them nothing also, works both ways!
Edited by 996Type on Sunday 21st May 10:46
OP, there's a lot of constructive feedback there to take in and I have nothing to add to that.
Sorry to hear of your situation. I could relate to your first paragraph because this mirrors my upbringing but I am no help when you mention renting in London. I used to live in Surrey but now moved to North Yorkshire to get away from the busy hectic traffic and pollution.
If you are able to find that balance to move out of London but still maintain a social balance then you would increase the chance of being able to afford a property and take more control of your life without worrying about rent. Easier said that done I know.
I personally think it's wise to switch employers as often as you can,so treat it like an opportunity. If you have been there several years, then it's time.
Certainly I would prioritise finding a more interesting job with another employer over the 'stability' of a known entity.
In terms of the hobby, maybe a sabbatical? You might find it doesnt scale up with free time.
Certainly I would prioritise finding a more interesting job with another employer over the 'stability' of a known entity.
In terms of the hobby, maybe a sabbatical? You might find it doesnt scale up with free time.
Roofless Toothless said:
When my old man was about the same age as the OP he was minding his own business learning the trade of a butcher in East London. He was married, had a four year old son and another on the way.
Then one day, through absolutely no fault of his own, he found himself personally and collectively at war with Germany. His job went out of the window, and instead he suddenly was a full time fireman in the Docklands. Out every night in the blitz, trying not to get buried under collapsing buildings and always waiting for the bomb with his name on it.
And the family he had married into? Well, being Jewish he had no doubt as to what their fate would be if the Nazis prevailed, and it looked very much that way for most of the war. They were evacuated out to the countryside and he got to see them very rarely.
He got through this entirely without the help of counsellors offering psychological support, even without strangers on the internet to rely on,of course.
The OP’s job has gone a bit sour, the landlord’s put the rent up and he can’t indulge his hobby as conveniently as he would like. As my dad used to say, God help us if there’s another war.
While your old man was having fun, playing fireman in the UK a bunch of teenagers were being sent to die on the frontline. Neither point has anything to do with the OP.Then one day, through absolutely no fault of his own, he found himself personally and collectively at war with Germany. His job went out of the window, and instead he suddenly was a full time fireman in the Docklands. Out every night in the blitz, trying not to get buried under collapsing buildings and always waiting for the bomb with his name on it.
And the family he had married into? Well, being Jewish he had no doubt as to what their fate would be if the Nazis prevailed, and it looked very much that way for most of the war. They were evacuated out to the countryside and he got to see them very rarely.
He got through this entirely without the help of counsellors offering psychological support, even without strangers on the internet to rely on,of course.
The OP’s job has gone a bit sour, the landlord’s put the rent up and he can’t indulge his hobby as conveniently as he would like. As my dad used to say, God help us if there’s another war.
OP it sounds like you’ve spent a lot of time doing what’s ‘right’ and now have 15 years experience and relevant qualifications. If you aren’t tied down to a location due to family then there May be a world of opportunities waiting.
What industry do you work in?
If London helped beat your depression I’m sure one of the other great cities in the world would be just as good.
Lots of good responses already. Agree that you need to prioritise and tackle things one by one. It may feel that you have a bit of a snowball effect here with several separate issues (job, rent, mental health, financial stability/future) rolling into one big, overwhelming problem in your head. However positive changes that you are about to make will also have a similar snowball effect. If you solve one issue, it has a positive effect on other things too. In fact, once you sort out 3 out of 4 issues, I'd predict that the fourth will just resolve itself. So start with one and focus on that, first.
My other reflections are that London and a 'regular' job is not a realistically compatible scenario. You'd be in a much better position as a first time buyer in the North and it doesn't mean that you have to stay here forever - it's just the first step on the property ladder. Manchester, Leeds, Bradford, Skipton all have big employers and great job opportunities. Countryside is amazing.
On the whole, tough stages in life like this one are usually followed by significant change and better times ahead, so whilst it's not easy now, the re-calibration is probably essential and your efforts will pay off later. Remember that.
My other reflections are that London and a 'regular' job is not a realistically compatible scenario. You'd be in a much better position as a first time buyer in the North and it doesn't mean that you have to stay here forever - it's just the first step on the property ladder. Manchester, Leeds, Bradford, Skipton all have big employers and great job opportunities. Countryside is amazing.
On the whole, tough stages in life like this one are usually followed by significant change and better times ahead, so whilst it's not easy now, the re-calibration is probably essential and your efforts will pay off later. Remember that.
I would feel overwhelmed at all that is facing the OP at the moment, really tough managing all that is being thrown at him.
My one piece of advice is that if your skills are easily transferable approach your employers nearest competitor and see if they have something for you.
Dealing with living accommodation seperately, I have had an apartment in Canary Wharf and a house in the Yorkshire countryside, both are great, but if you had a chance to move North on London money then you will notice the difference in your wallet.
My one piece of advice is that if your skills are easily transferable approach your employers nearest competitor and see if they have something for you.
Dealing with living accommodation seperately, I have had an apartment in Canary Wharf and a house in the Yorkshire countryside, both are great, but if you had a chance to move North on London money then you will notice the difference in your wallet.
Byker28i said:
Remember, not just North either. There's plenty of people commute into London because of cheaper housing elsewhere, don't forget to look west
Agreed!! Consider Oxford,Cheltenham, High Wycombe, Amersham/Chesham, Rickmansworth, Windsor & Maidenhead, Ascot, Sunningdale, Henley, Marlow, so many lovely areas out here and still feel like I can be in London quick as a flash.Best of both worlds really, I used to live in London and now I have all the best bits while also having all the best bits of the country. And the rent costs less than the grotty areas in the outskirts of London.
Wouldn’t trade it for anywhere. Been all around the country and I don’t feel like anything compares, because at the end of the day being close to a big city is very useful, and London is the biggest of ‘em all.
Plenty of people have used times like this to live out their mid life crises. If this is what you need to do, get in touch with some of your mates who may be in different countries and see if they can help you land a role somewhere new. Live it up for a bit and then see where you end up. The great thing about life is how unpredictable it can be. I often look at the people I know who have had predictable lives and am glad that this wasn't the case for me. I think you could be in for a surprise. Don't let finding a new job, place, packing everything up and moving set you back. Just be glad you don't have a wife and kids 
OP, you say you've saved a bit, but not enough for a deposit. Is that a deposit for your dream London home, or is it a deposit that would get you into a property and start you on the property ladder? The average mortgage rate over the last 22 years is 5.4%, so don't let the doom and gloom in the news put you off. It sounds like you've done all the right things, but feel you haven't got much to show for the work you've put in.
At the risk of attracting criticism from some on here, look into self exploration and self motivation videos. Understanding what you want from life and what you want to be doing will help you make your decision around the future. Due to circumstances beyond my control I ended up with a real life change aged 35 that pushed me into an entirely new career and social set. It felt horrendous at the time, but in hindsight it was the best thing that could have happened to me. After a bit of being down and angry at the world, I embraced the opportunity and I'm now loving life and where I am.
This may be an opportunity to shape your life and put things on a path that is far more rewardingto you, both personally and financially. If you're needing a beer and chat, there are plenty of decent PHers around, or engage with one of the men's wellness groups on Linkedin and get along to some of their sessions. Good luck with it all.
At the risk of attracting criticism from some on here, look into self exploration and self motivation videos. Understanding what you want from life and what you want to be doing will help you make your decision around the future. Due to circumstances beyond my control I ended up with a real life change aged 35 that pushed me into an entirely new career and social set. It felt horrendous at the time, but in hindsight it was the best thing that could have happened to me. After a bit of being down and angry at the world, I embraced the opportunity and I'm now loving life and where I am.
This may be an opportunity to shape your life and put things on a path that is far more rewardingto you, both personally and financially. If you're needing a beer and chat, there are plenty of decent PHers around, or engage with one of the men's wellness groups on Linkedin and get along to some of their sessions. Good luck with it all.
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