Fave Put downs

[Taxi 4 Hutton]

Do you have one on standby in case you need to put some little twerp in there place? Or like me do you only think of them half an hour after the event?

I particularly like 'You smegging smeggy little smegger' but few people get it if they haven't watched Red Dwarf :)

[planetdave]

Heavy items

Oh - you mean vitriolic ripostes.

I find a saliva enhanced ' off' most cathartic

[Taxi 4 Hutton]

planetdave said:

Oh - you mean vitriolic ripostes.

Blimey love if yer gonna use big words, I'll need me dictionary

[markmullen]

The last time I had to do one I was in the queue in the local shop when some beered up little maggot started mouthing off that when we got outside he was "going to ing do me".

I turned round and weighed in with a "shut up silly c" which seemed to do the trick and he crawled back under his stone.

[likesbikes]

I find 'knobcheese' will get people going, but sometimes a simple 'prick' is all it takes to tip them over the edge.

[vixpy1]

Was in walking into the motorway services once and a group of chavs were hanging round the entrance, one of the more cocky ones said.. nice hair mister, in a sarcastic way..

I replied. 'I can change my haircut, you will always be ugly'

His mates cracked up and he looked a bit sheepish after that.

[polarbert]

i liked reading the story on here about some guy waiting for his bags at an airport, and telling some woman who was being arsey to off

somebody please tell me more about this event, i cant be bothered to search for the thread, oh it doesnt really matter anyway you get the point.

[monkeyhanger]

Depends on the situation...

If it's someone just being a bit silly i find laughing in their face usually works.

If it's some jumped up little git really get out of hand 1 word usually does the trick...

"Outside"



Being big enough to back it up helps though

[-DeaDLocK-]

One I use on occasion, and usually to good effect, is calling someone the missing link.

[406]

A mate of mine once said to a young lady "Where have you been all my life?" She replied "Well for most of it I was not even born" Cracked me up.

Dave

406

[R988]

Taxi 4 Hutton said:

Do you have one on standby in case you need to put some little twerp in there place? Or like me do you only think of them half an hour after the event? I particularly like 'You smegging smeggy little smegger' but few people get it if they haven't watched Red Dwarf

Red Dwarf some of the best put downs ever

"Life's a bitch, now smeg off, I'm busy."

"Oh smeg. What the smeggin' smeg's he smeggin' done?"

"That suit's as sharp a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into someone's eye! "

"I have a mind to fill your boots with runny porridge again. That'll teach you a lesson about maturity.

"Now kindly cluck off, before I extract your gibblets, and shove a large seasoned onion between the lips you never kiss with. "

"You're really mean with money. You're a tremendous physical coward. You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritans switchboard and four people commited suicide. Your middle name is Judas but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan. you sign all your official letters "Arnold Rimmer BSc" and the BSc stands for "Bronze Swimming Certificate". You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse. "

" You're a toad, Rimmer. You're a weasel. You're a slimy, river-dwelling rodent with the morals of a praying mantis. "

"Get real man. Most eunuchs have got more balls than you. "

Ace: " You can't judge a book by its cover."
Lister: " And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine. "

[glocko]

I remember in a Laurel & Hardy film,

(Stan winds Ollie up or something)
Ollie "Why you...you.."
Stan "Don't call me a you-you" and pokes him in the eye!!!
Brilliant!!!

[moleamol]

The best reply to threatening behaviour is 'Go on then', with the sort of look that says 'if you're that stupid'. Idiots should be laughed at.

The one that works for everyone though is *slightly sympathetic face* 'It must be shit being you'.

[simpo two]

Man: 'May I have this dance with you'?
Woman: 'I wouldn't dance with you if you were the last man on earth'.
Man: 'I'm sorry, you must have mishead me. I said you look fat in the skirt'.

[silversun]

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

[lazyitus]

There's two c***s in here and you're both of them.

[driftwood]

'already mentioned elsewhere that I used to work for Walt Disney dressed up as a 'cat'......it was in the days of big booted skin-heads that roamed freely around shopping centres....during one of the many public appearances, one skin-head strolls up to me(I'm in costume) and says 'You look in stupid..' I reply..'At least I get paid for looking like a c*nt'

[silversun]

You pimple-brained dogberry.

[Rude-boy]

“Your mouth is writing cheques your mind can’t cash.”

“Your attitude is writing cheques your face can’t meet.”

When someone is having a totally unprovoked go at you my seasons old favourite is:-

[drum roll]

“I am so sorry, I think you must be confusing me with someone that gives a .”

Finally, you are in a club, giving some nice looking thing the once over when they either tell you to “ off” or if having approached them they tell you words to the effect of if you were the last man on earth I still wouldn’t be interested in you:-

“I am so sorry I seem to have made a terrible mistake, when I first saw you I really did think that you were attractive, now I realise I was wrong and that you don’t even have a personality to make up for that complexion/ nose/’tache/belly/face.”

[muley]

A few years back, my boss was trying to chat up a young Dutch blonde, and he was utterly deflated by her remark "you remind me a lot of my father".