Giving up career to become a stay at home dad
Discussion
Whilst I’m sure there are plenty on here where their partner has given up her career to become a stay at home mum, has anyone done it the other way round?
I’ve got a good career in finance, mid 30s, plenty of potential, and in the highest tax bracket.
However my wife earns double what I earn, partner in a firm, and is much more invested/interested in her career. It makes more sense for me to support her career than vice versa.
I’m considering being the one who stays at home when we have children. Has anyone done this, and can comment on what it’s like?
I imagine that there will be a certain amount of socialising difficulty, I.e harder for a man to be accepted/invited into play dates etc. Also to be honest I’m not sure if coffee dates with 10 middle class women is my idea of fun anyway.
But then I’m a bit worried that I’ll be left spending all day by myself with a baby, and that can be difficult with no other adult interaction.
I’m fairly anti having a nanny. I feel that you should raise your own children where possible, and it is possible for us.
Once nursery starts etc, I can look into going back to work part time I think.
Then there’s obviously the social stigma of being a stay at home dad.
It very much goes against the grain of normal expectations. I will lose the part of my identity that is fed by work and earning.
I will become reliant on my wife for money rather than contributing myself. I think my ego may well take a bashing, although I’m fairly thick skinned so I think I’ll just need to work through that.
I’ve got a good career in finance, mid 30s, plenty of potential, and in the highest tax bracket.
However my wife earns double what I earn, partner in a firm, and is much more invested/interested in her career. It makes more sense for me to support her career than vice versa.
I’m considering being the one who stays at home when we have children. Has anyone done this, and can comment on what it’s like?
I imagine that there will be a certain amount of socialising difficulty, I.e harder for a man to be accepted/invited into play dates etc. Also to be honest I’m not sure if coffee dates with 10 middle class women is my idea of fun anyway.
But then I’m a bit worried that I’ll be left spending all day by myself with a baby, and that can be difficult with no other adult interaction.
I’m fairly anti having a nanny. I feel that you should raise your own children where possible, and it is possible for us.
Once nursery starts etc, I can look into going back to work part time I think.
Then there’s obviously the social stigma of being a stay at home dad.
It very much goes against the grain of normal expectations. I will lose the part of my identity that is fed by work and earning.
I will become reliant on my wife for money rather than contributing myself. I think my ego may well take a bashing, although I’m fairly thick skinned so I think I’ll just need to work through that.
I know a guy married to a senior Investment Banker. She's minted and he's a stay at home dad. He's actually a good guy that was on track before deciding to step away from it all - no brainer really - so he's well presented and talks well. I'll just say he's really popular with the other mum's.
Nursery starts at whatever age you want it too.
Obviously nursery costs alot for full time, I'm lucky in that I work shifts so the kids are only in about 10-12 days a month. It means when my shifts fall so my days off on mon-fri I have both kids alone for 5 days in a row.
It's a choice you have to make though, cost of nursery/valuable under aged 4 time with the kids is a difficult choice.
Obviously nursery costs alot for full time, I'm lucky in that I work shifts so the kids are only in about 10-12 days a month. It means when my shifts fall so my days off on mon-fri I have both kids alone for 5 days in a row.
It's a choice you have to make though, cost of nursery/valuable under aged 4 time with the kids is a difficult choice.
As I would say to any woman: don’t give up, but do ease back if you want to change the shape of your time commitment.
This isn’t to do with male vs female stereotypes (apart from maternity leave, my OH has worked full time in her career since becoming a mother and has been very successful). It’s to do with optionality about your life - I would never advocate being financially dependent on someone else.
However, I would say that we leaned heavily on very supportive family, so that naturally colours my view on how “easy” the last 13 years have been.
This isn’t to do with male vs female stereotypes (apart from maternity leave, my OH has worked full time in her career since becoming a mother and has been very successful). It’s to do with optionality about your life - I would never advocate being financially dependent on someone else.
However, I would say that we leaned heavily on very supportive family, so that naturally colours my view on how “easy” the last 13 years have been.
ds!I’d do it at the drop of a hat but we both work full time and share child care duties as our jobs are equal.
If ve done play dates with 2 mums it’s fine when the conversation gets too girly I go and play with the kids. With more and more people in my situation it’s not the woman who does the childcare anymore so you may well find other dads to have play dates with.
I wouldn’t worry about your career either having a few years gap is perfectly fine IMO.
If ve done play dates with 2 mums it’s fine when the conversation gets too girly I go and play with the kids. With more and more people in my situation it’s not the woman who does the childcare anymore so you may well find other dads to have play dates with.
I wouldn’t worry about your career either having a few years gap is perfectly fine IMO.
I would absolutely stay at home year-round and do the 'hard work' if the opportunity was there. Unfortunately the OHs earning capacity is far below my own so it will never happen. I do only work 6 months of the year though, so for the remaining six, I can consider myself a stay-at-home dad. I'd say do it if you can!
Unless one of you ‘wants’ to be stay at home - then there’s no need for either of you to do it, that is what nurseries exist for, and you pick your flavour of days depending on how much cover you want/need.
Not sure what you mean by ‘once nursery starts’ - that can start whenever you want.
Not sure what you mean by ‘once nursery starts’ - that can start whenever you want.
We’re both pretty flexible and find neither of us have given up and we’re still progressing (while having full family time) - for us it feels like the perfect balance.
We have friends who put the kids in nursery 5 days a week (one from 6 months old!). Does seem a bit odd to have kids then let someone else raise them for so much of their life from so young.
We have friends who put the kids in nursery 5 days a week (one from 6 months old!). Does seem a bit odd to have kids then let someone else raise them for so much of their life from so young.
audikarma said:
Oh and one important thing that I missed out on, we won’t have the benefit of grandparents helping out with childcare. They’re either the wrong end of the country, or have been very clear they have no interest in helping out!
We find that to be a good thing, grandparents always have suggestions as to how things should have been done… modelled on how they did things 30-40 years ago 
Mine been in 5 days since 1. I still spend 5 hours a day with him either side of that and obviously both days at the weekend.
Parenting in the post Covid world isn’t what it was, my wife and I both WFH, I basically half raised him in the first year due to that, without wfh I would have not seen him all day based on a normal working day.
The upside of that is that from very young if my wife wanted to go away with a few days with a mate I was totally capable of looking after a young baby on my own with zero need for help from my wife because I’d been there from day 1 doing everything with her.
My dad wouldn’t have the first idea how to look after a young kid as he wasn’t there due to work. Times have change hugely.
Parenting in the post Covid world isn’t what it was, my wife and I both WFH, I basically half raised him in the first year due to that, without wfh I would have not seen him all day based on a normal working day.
The upside of that is that from very young if my wife wanted to go away with a few days with a mate I was totally capable of looking after a young baby on my own with zero need for help from my wife because I’d been there from day 1 doing everything with her.
My dad wouldn’t have the first idea how to look after a young kid as he wasn’t there due to work. Times have change hugely.
Edited by okgo on Thursday 31st August 10:22
My Dad sort of did that. He worked part-time teaching A levels at the local college whilst my brother and I were at nursery/primary school. At some point he went full time when we were old enough to take ourselves to school and be at home alone.
Similar thing that my mum was earning more and had greater desire to pursue her career. Was a bit unusual in the mid 80s/early 90s.
Similar thing that my mum was earning more and had greater desire to pursue her career. Was a bit unusual in the mid 80s/early 90s.
It's nothing like the same thing, but I recently reduced my kids nursery days in order to spend some dedicated time each week .Currently I always feel like either a third wheel at the weekends, or just trying to survive till bed time, so I wanted to carve out some dedicated time to plan day trips to cool places just the two of us.
I'm hoping to last a few weeks at least before resorting to blippi.
I'm hoping to last a few weeks at least before resorting to blippi.
okgo said:
Unless one of you ‘wants’ to be stay at home - then there’s no need for either of you to do it, that is what nurseries exist for, and you pick your flavour of days depending on how much cover you want/need.
Not sure what you mean by ‘once nursery starts’ - that can start whenever you want.
I think I meant school! Not sure what you mean by ‘once nursery starts’ - that can start whenever you want.
Speaking to a friend he was saying both of you keeping a foot in the door with working is ideal, as you still get to retain an element of ‘adult working’ you and ‘parent’ you.
However if both working neither of us are going to be able to collect a child until after 8pm. My research of wraparound care and after school clubs suggests this tends to end 6pm latest.
So we could look for childminder support from 6-8pm and both work, but that’s kids bed time.
My dad worked a lot and late and I rarely saw him during the week. I don’t particularly went to replicate that for my kids.
I used to think like you till I had kids.
By the time I had sung “wheels on the bus” 3 times I was ready to go back to work.
I’m a fairly hands on and good dad, but the younger years are relentlessly boring and repetitive.
I wouldn’t want to be getting home after 8 every weekday, but usually there’s a middle ground. Especially with work from home.
It’s really a personal choice though based on your priorities and how you like to spend your time.
By the time I had sung “wheels on the bus” 3 times I was ready to go back to work.
I’m a fairly hands on and good dad, but the younger years are relentlessly boring and repetitive.
I wouldn’t want to be getting home after 8 every weekday, but usually there’s a middle ground. Especially with work from home.
It’s really a personal choice though based on your priorities and how you like to spend your time.
Both working past 8 every day isn’t conducive to anything particularly positive I would have thought. Certainly wouldn’t work with young kids unless you were paying for a second parent basically. Which many do, especially in US but I’d be wanting more balance than that.
Edited by okgo on Thursday 31st August 10:54
I don't know what your profession is, but if you are able to work from home several days a week then there's no reason to give up your work IMO. My wife stayed at home with the baby for the first year, wasn't good for her mental health tbh as you need something else to keep your brain engaged.
I do most of the kids parties/play dates (as Mrs doesn't drive and we don't live local to the school), there's not really any stigma about being one of the few dads there, we're all grown adults.
I do most of the kids parties/play dates (as Mrs doesn't drive and we don't live local to the school), there's not really any stigma about being one of the few dads there, we're all grown adults.
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