Asked to hold a cord
Discussion
I have been asked to have a cord at my partners mums funeral. By her father. I have no idea what to expect or how to act. Me n mrs only been together 1.5 year ish. But i have spent lots of the time watching her bairns while her mum was unwell.
Im only 33 and have buried my brother after bike racing accident 10 y ago. And my best friend after car accident 20 odd year ago. But neither buried.
I was kind of hoping i could watch bairns all day and meet them at night.
I dont own a suit and more comfy in work gear covered in oil. Any tips or tricks. Or even wtf do i actualy need to do?
I feel a bit lost here. I feel that me being asked is a good thing but i dont know if i could cope with it.
Im only 33 and have buried my brother after bike racing accident 10 y ago. And my best friend after car accident 20 odd year ago. But neither buried.
I was kind of hoping i could watch bairns all day and meet them at night.
I dont own a suit and more comfy in work gear covered in oil. Any tips or tricks. Or even wtf do i actualy need to do?
I feel a bit lost here. I feel that me being asked is a good thing but i dont know if i could cope with it.
I think you should take it as an honour.
I didn’t know what it meant but I can see it is lowering of the coffin using a rope or strap.
See what other people will be wearing. I often think a bloke in a suit who is obviously completely uncomfortable looks worse than someone who is smart but comfortable.
I didn’t know what it meant but I can see it is lowering of the coffin using a rope or strap.
See what other people will be wearing. I often think a bloke in a suit who is obviously completely uncomfortable looks worse than someone who is smart but comfortable.
Caddyshack said:
I think you should take it as an honour.
I didn’t know what it meant but I can see it is lowering of the coffin using a rope or strap.
See what other people will be wearing. I often think a bloke in a suit who is obviously completely uncomfortable looks worse than someone who is smart but comfortable.
Yea a cord to help lower it down and sometimes keep as a memory. I didn’t know what it meant but I can see it is lowering of the coffin using a rope or strap.
See what other people will be wearing. I often think a bloke in a suit who is obviously completely uncomfortable looks worse than someone who is smart but comfortable.
I do take it as an honour. But dont make me feel comfy about it all.
I have asked to see what others will be wearing etc.
For context i went to my brothers in full "pit gear" uniform as that was what i was comfy in.
A bit differant to 80 yo "mother in law" than a 30yo brother
I would go for a full dark suit and tie unless asked otherwise.
It is an honour to be asked to take a cord so I would take it as being made to feel like an integral part of your partner's family as it usually reserved for the closest people to the deceased.
In terms of the practicalities, you should have a number given at the time and then go to the cord assigned to that number when called. You then let it run through your hands as the coffin is lowered into the grave. You don't usually have to do any physical carrying or lowering
It is an honour to be asked to take a cord so I would take it as being made to feel like an integral part of your partner's family as it usually reserved for the closest people to the deceased.
In terms of the practicalities, you should have a number given at the time and then go to the cord assigned to that number when called. You then let it run through your hands as the coffin is lowered into the grave. You don't usually have to do any physical carrying or lowering
vw_99 said:
Caddyshack said:
I think you should take it as an honour.
I didn’t know what it meant but I can see it is lowering of the coffin using a rope or strap.
See what other people will be wearing. I often think a bloke in a suit who is obviously completely uncomfortable looks worse than someone who is smart but comfortable.
Yea a cord to help lower it down and sometimes keep as a memory. I didn’t know what it meant but I can see it is lowering of the coffin using a rope or strap.
See what other people will be wearing. I often think a bloke in a suit who is obviously completely uncomfortable looks worse than someone who is smart but comfortable.
I do take it as an honour. But dont make me feel comfy about it all.
I have asked to see what others will be wearing etc.
For context i went to my brothers in full "pit gear" uniform as that was what i was comfy in.
A bit differant to 80 yo "mother in law" than a 30yo brother
I don’t know Scottish tradition and I guess all families and friends will expect different things.
We have just lost a close family friend, he was ex SAS and was not religious, he wasn’t in to making a fuss so he specified no funeral at all, just cremation with zero attendance. We are all just meeting up in his favourite cafe and having afternoon tea with the family to celebrate his life….feels odd but that is what he wanted.
I was a pall bearer for an uncle of mine last January. We carried the coffin in to the service, took a corner as it was wheeled out of the church to the grave on a trolley due to the uneven ground after the service and then we had to lower the coffin into the grave at the burial. I'll be honest, I wasn't aware of the lowering into the grave aspect, it wasn't mentioned at all until it actually happened at the graveside and it was quite a shock, but, I took it as an honour to be have been asked and be the last thing I could do for my uncle. I'm not sure I'd like to do it again though, it did have leave a bit of an impression. I'm not a formal dress kind of person either, but I wore a full suit, shirt and tie.
I got asked to hold a cord for my gf’s aunts funeral back in January this year.
I didn’t have a good black suit, so I went out and bought a new one, along with a new white shirt.
At the graveside, the funeral party got called up, one by one to take a cord, there was 6 of us in total.
We lowered her down with the pallbearers guiding us with their own ropes to control the speed etc.
We then dropped the cords into the grave and got a handful of dirt to scatter on the coffin.
Definitely needed a couple of beers after it but it was an honour to be called on.
A shame as she was a lovely lady and we got on very well.
She loved dog sitting for us and the dogs loved her.
I didn’t have a good black suit, so I went out and bought a new one, along with a new white shirt.
At the graveside, the funeral party got called up, one by one to take a cord, there was 6 of us in total.
We lowered her down with the pallbearers guiding us with their own ropes to control the speed etc.
We then dropped the cords into the grave and got a handful of dirt to scatter on the coffin.
Definitely needed a couple of beers after it but it was an honour to be called on.
A shame as she was a lovely lady and we got on very well.
She loved dog sitting for us and the dogs loved her.
John87 said:
In terms of the practicalities, you should have a number given at the time and then go to the cord assigned to that number when called. You then let it run through your hands as the coffin is lowered into the grave. You don't usually have to do any physical carrying or lowering
Jer_1974 said:
I have done it three times. Black trousers/jeans and a shirt (preferably white) are acceptable at a funeral in Scotland now. Stand near the front and they will call you forward. Lower the coffin and drop the rope into the grave. Take it as a compliment to be asked.
These guys have more or less got you covered. In my experience the funeral directors moved the coffin into position and called each person over by their number then helped everyone with hand placement and instructions on lowering. It's over before you know it. When I did it, I wore black trousers, white shirts and a smart black knitted jersey with black tie. I didn't want to feel restricted by a coat or suit jacket when bending over, lowering the coffin.Funeral directors will be positioning you and moving you about a bit and arranging who stands where especially when carrying the coffin and will direct everything and will tell you what to do. They are the experts and will be keeping an eye on all of you and you will be taking it all very slowly and deliberately.
Seriously, don’t worry about it. I’ve done it twice and both times the funeral directors had it all covered and will obviously be aware that this isn’t a daily thing for any of you.
No need for a suit if that’s not your bag but smart dark trousers, a light shirt and a pullover/smartish jacket or coat and shoes will be just fine but at the end of the day just wear what’s comfortable for you as no one will really notice unless you wear a football shirt or something.
Don’t overthink it and don’t worry too much about it.
Seriously, don’t worry about it. I’ve done it twice and both times the funeral directors had it all covered and will obviously be aware that this isn’t a daily thing for any of you.
No need for a suit if that’s not your bag but smart dark trousers, a light shirt and a pullover/smartish jacket or coat and shoes will be just fine but at the end of the day just wear what’s comfortable for you as no one will really notice unless you wear a football shirt or something.
Don’t overthink it and don’t worry too much about it.
Definitely did the right thing asking, Also Scotland here & done this a number of times.
A lot has been said already but as seems to have been a new concept to some here I’ll explain all as I see it in my locality/families.
This is different to carrying the coffin which is often requested of younger male family members, there is generally a hierarchy to the cords & for the want of a better word a bit of “theatre” in doing this job.
After the coffin has been carried & placed over the open grave it will be laid on top of a couple of wooden staves.
Words will be said by person giving the funeral etc then when finished the undertaker will come forward & call the chords.
Traditionally this was a male job & hierarchies dictate the position.
“Cord number one” will be called
This would typically be your father in law. The undertaker would hand him his cord then call “cord number two” then work down from there, it may be you have a cord “representing” your wife’s position in the family if she does not have one herself.
FYI if you don’t know your number the undertaker usually has a stack of business cards (like in my picture) with the numbers circled that your father in law may give out to you on the day.
Tips for doing it.
You may or may not have additional support from undertakers In addition to the named cords. If this is the case it will be in the form of a length of strap under the middle to help bear weight (in my experience usually only if a heavy coffin.
Taking the strain, when all in position you’ll be instructed to lift a little then wait, so the staves can be removed by undertaker (& if lowering with you they can then take their strap) before starting the lower.
Cords 1&2 probably won’t take much weight, they serve as balance, but usually it’s not that much of a weight to take a chord - older family members often get asked etc & if you think about it the coffin is usually carried there by four and lowered by 8 or (8+2)
Everyone needs to lower together under the guidance of the funeral director, depending on how deep the grave is might need to lower quite far down if it’s the first in the lair (practical point future coffins are essentially stacked on prior burials so not so deep as 1st)
The chord will probably be a standard length so if a new grave you’ll probably need to lower all of it, don’t be tempted to wrap it round your hand & be careful not to stand on your’s or someone else’s. When it’s resting on the bottom you’ll be asked to drop your chords, this is an altogether thing, (I generally follow the lead of chord no 1)
As to what to wear, this is difficult to say without knowing the family - you are representing them doing this job. Please ask your Mrs
Even try something like “I don’t have a suit that fits, where would I get one short notice “ she’ll either let you know ones not required, or start trying to help you get one if it is….. (Marks & Spencer is real easy option & either charcoal grey or black if you need to go that route)
A lot has been said already but as seems to have been a new concept to some here I’ll explain all as I see it in my locality/families.
This is different to carrying the coffin which is often requested of younger male family members, there is generally a hierarchy to the cords & for the want of a better word a bit of “theatre” in doing this job.
After the coffin has been carried & placed over the open grave it will be laid on top of a couple of wooden staves.
Words will be said by person giving the funeral etc then when finished the undertaker will come forward & call the chords.
Traditionally this was a male job & hierarchies dictate the position.
“Cord number one” will be called
This would typically be your father in law. The undertaker would hand him his cord then call “cord number two” then work down from there, it may be you have a cord “representing” your wife’s position in the family if she does not have one herself.
FYI if you don’t know your number the undertaker usually has a stack of business cards (like in my picture) with the numbers circled that your father in law may give out to you on the day.
Tips for doing it.
You may or may not have additional support from undertakers In addition to the named cords. If this is the case it will be in the form of a length of strap under the middle to help bear weight (in my experience usually only if a heavy coffin.
Taking the strain, when all in position you’ll be instructed to lift a little then wait, so the staves can be removed by undertaker (& if lowering with you they can then take their strap) before starting the lower.
Cords 1&2 probably won’t take much weight, they serve as balance, but usually it’s not that much of a weight to take a chord - older family members often get asked etc & if you think about it the coffin is usually carried there by four and lowered by 8 or (8+2)
Everyone needs to lower together under the guidance of the funeral director, depending on how deep the grave is might need to lower quite far down if it’s the first in the lair (practical point future coffins are essentially stacked on prior burials so not so deep as 1st)
The chord will probably be a standard length so if a new grave you’ll probably need to lower all of it, don’t be tempted to wrap it round your hand & be careful not to stand on your’s or someone else’s. When it’s resting on the bottom you’ll be asked to drop your chords, this is an altogether thing, (I generally follow the lead of chord no 1)
As to what to wear, this is difficult to say without knowing the family - you are representing them doing this job. Please ask your Mrs
Even try something like “I don’t have a suit that fits, where would I get one short notice “ she’ll either let you know ones not required, or start trying to help you get one if it is….. (Marks & Spencer is real easy option & either charcoal grey or black if you need to go that route)
Nethybridge said:
What, wearing a suit and attending a funeral ?
Really, grow up.
Bit harsh. Not everyone know what to expect at a funeral. I never went to a funeral until my dad died when I was 48Really, grow up.
OP. I was a pall bearer at mother-in-laws cremation service a few weeks ago (my second-ever funeral)
The funeral director was very helpful, explaining what we were to do and just talking quietly to us as we followed him in so we were reassured we were doing it right. If you aren't a suit wearer (I'm not) just go an buy a cheap suit as Asda or similar. No one will be checking out your sartorial choices at a funeral beyond looking smart and respectful.
The last funeral I went to was my estranged mother’s, her then current family had organized the whole thing, and looked at my siblings and I as if we were aliens, as we turned up suited and booted, while they were all dressed variously as members of the cast of Mrs.Brown’s Boys, it was all cheap knitwear ( some of it off the shoulders) and jeans/ sweatpants , it was all very unreal.
Always wear a suit to a funeral, I may not have got on with my mother, but I at least showed some respect as I paid them.
Always wear a suit to a funeral, I may not have got on with my mother, but I at least showed some respect as I paid them.
I was asked to be a bearer at a friend's funeral in June.
I was worried about carrying the coffin on the shoulder but it turned out that his 4 nephews, big strong lads, would be carrying the coffin with what I would call yokes at each end. A mutual friend I would be in the middle carrying it by means of a White seat-belt type strap passed underneath.. All went smoothly, as smoothly as it could considering how broken and bumpy the path from church to grave was, until we got to the grave.
We positioned the coffin over the site and friend and I let go of our strap and stood back. The 4 nephews, by means of 4 individual straps, lifted him and the boards across the grave were removed. They slowly lowered under the directions of the undertaker. All was fine until when with what could only have a few inches to go one of the straps broke. There was a bit of a thump as one corner hit the bottom. Fortunately his widow didn't seem to notice and the casting of the soil and a few flowers went ahead.
It bothered me for weeks that the poor bugger, a very pedantic and ordered man was now lying a bit sideways. However, when relating the story to a local retired vicar, I was told that any decent FD would have waited until everyone had left and then gone down, opened the lid and straightened him. I was much cheered by this.
But, what could have been the consequences had the strap broken earlier, a damaged coffin, a bearer pulled into his uncle's grave... It doesn't bear thinking about.
I was worried about carrying the coffin on the shoulder but it turned out that his 4 nephews, big strong lads, would be carrying the coffin with what I would call yokes at each end. A mutual friend I would be in the middle carrying it by means of a White seat-belt type strap passed underneath.. All went smoothly, as smoothly as it could considering how broken and bumpy the path from church to grave was, until we got to the grave.
We positioned the coffin over the site and friend and I let go of our strap and stood back. The 4 nephews, by means of 4 individual straps, lifted him and the boards across the grave were removed. They slowly lowered under the directions of the undertaker. All was fine until when with what could only have a few inches to go one of the straps broke. There was a bit of a thump as one corner hit the bottom. Fortunately his widow didn't seem to notice and the casting of the soil and a few flowers went ahead.
It bothered me for weeks that the poor bugger, a very pedantic and ordered man was now lying a bit sideways. However, when relating the story to a local retired vicar, I was told that any decent FD would have waited until everyone had left and then gone down, opened the lid and straightened him. I was much cheered by this.
But, what could have been the consequences had the strap broken earlier, a damaged coffin, a bearer pulled into his uncle's grave... It doesn't bear thinking about.
Johnspex said:
I was asked to be a bearer at a friend's funeral in June.
I was worried about carrying the coffin on the shoulder but it turned out that his 4 nephews, big strong lads, would be carrying the coffin with what I would call yokes at each end. A mutual friend I would be in the middle carrying it by means of a White seat-belt type strap passed underneath.. All went smoothly, as smoothly as it could considering how broken and bumpy the path from church to grave was, until we got to the grave.
We positioned the coffin over the site and friend and I let go of our strap and stood back. The 4 nephews, by means of 4 individual straps, lifted him and the boards across the grave were removed. They slowly lowered under the directions of the undertaker. All was fine until when with what could only have a few inches to go one of the straps broke. There was a bit of a thump as one corner hit the bottom. Fortunately his widow didn't seem to notice and the casting of the soil and a few flowers went ahead.
It bothered me for weeks that the poor bugger, a very pedantic and ordered man was now lying a bit sideways. However, when relating the story to a local retired vicar, I was told that any decent FD would have waited until everyone had left and then gone down, opened the lid and straightened him. I was much cheered by this.
But, what could have been the consequences had the strap broken earlier, a damaged coffin, a bearer pulled into his uncle's grave... It doesn't bear thinking about.
A nice anecdote, but probably one you should have kept to yourself until after the OP has done his bit. I was worried about carrying the coffin on the shoulder but it turned out that his 4 nephews, big strong lads, would be carrying the coffin with what I would call yokes at each end. A mutual friend I would be in the middle carrying it by means of a White seat-belt type strap passed underneath.. All went smoothly, as smoothly as it could considering how broken and bumpy the path from church to grave was, until we got to the grave.
We positioned the coffin over the site and friend and I let go of our strap and stood back. The 4 nephews, by means of 4 individual straps, lifted him and the boards across the grave were removed. They slowly lowered under the directions of the undertaker. All was fine until when with what could only have a few inches to go one of the straps broke. There was a bit of a thump as one corner hit the bottom. Fortunately his widow didn't seem to notice and the casting of the soil and a few flowers went ahead.
It bothered me for weeks that the poor bugger, a very pedantic and ordered man was now lying a bit sideways. However, when relating the story to a local retired vicar, I was told that any decent FD would have waited until everyone had left and then gone down, opened the lid and straightened him. I was much cheered by this.
But, what could have been the consequences had the strap broken earlier, a damaged coffin, a bearer pulled into his uncle's grave... It doesn't bear thinking about.
He's worried enough already!
I had to do similar with my ex father inlaw, who was danish, and they take cerimonies like this very seriously, i was asked to be a coffin bearer, basicly help carry it from thr hearse to the tressle in the church.
Infortunatly i was in america the day before and lost a finger at work, so tuened up in my rented suit, suits are also not my thing, and swapped sides of the coffin with someone else, my abiding memory was, god the coffin was heavy, he was a big guy, but i did it for the rest of the family, i wasnt really close to the guy, but it wasnt my day it was thiers, so just did what i had to do really. and to be fair i was so spaced out on pain killers and lack of sleep due to the travel, i dont really recal alot, but did what i was asked and that was it, his wife, my ex mother inlaw did apreciate the effort i went to, not just by being there, but carrying the coffin with the family, so job done.
Infortunatly i was in america the day before and lost a finger at work, so tuened up in my rented suit, suits are also not my thing, and swapped sides of the coffin with someone else, my abiding memory was, god the coffin was heavy, he was a big guy, but i did it for the rest of the family, i wasnt really close to the guy, but it wasnt my day it was thiers, so just did what i had to do really. and to be fair i was so spaced out on pain killers and lack of sleep due to the travel, i dont really recal alot, but did what i was asked and that was it, his wife, my ex mother inlaw did apreciate the effort i went to, not just by being there, but carrying the coffin with the family, so job done.
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