Alcoholic wife no longer paying mortgage
Discussion
and household bills.
We split in 2009, her idea. Pretty amicable, her decision, she was a functional alcoholic with a good job. 3 kids.
Stupidly, due to various things, including her getting cancer, we never divorced.
Covid and WFH became drinking from home, Deliveroo supplying the booze so no staggering to Tesco's before they close.
The other directors wanted her out of their company due to the drinking so she lost her job but got a big payout. Around the same time she got a massive inheritance too.
No incentive to work, constant takeaways, zip car on semi permanent hire?? and many visits to horrendously expensive rehabs. Non of which worked.
In less than two years she has burned through nearly £400,000 whilst I struggled to pay my energy bills, work 6 days a week.
I'm 61, really didn't think my days would end like this.
So now she's out of money but somehow still drunk every day. One child has escaped but two still live with her despite me begging them to live with me.
I woke up yesterday to find that not only had she not paid into the Joint Account, she had cleaned it out. I've spoken to the bank who have put a freeze on withdrawals (I didn't know they could do that, if only) but there's only enough left to pay this month's mortgage and that's it.
I already pay half the mortgage and was paying money into the joint too, but have stopped that.
I rent a flat which takes up most of my take home so can't cover anymore.
I saw a divorce lawyer a few months back but she said that due to her condition, not only could she get half my meagre pension but I would have to pay her spousal maintenance??
Seems I'm fooked. My health is bad, physically and mentally and I'm now in a very dark place.
If anyone has any advice, please.
And I know some of you have followed my story over the years and I thank you for your kind words.
I'm thinking that anything I do to keep bills paid is just enabling her to carry on with her 'hobby'.
So I'm wondering if I just let it go. Bank takes house etc.
I no longer care about the equity, I just want out of this eternal nightmare.
I have no partner, no support, I feel so alone so please don't get stuck into what I should have done. I know too well.
Thanks guys.
We split in 2009, her idea. Pretty amicable, her decision, she was a functional alcoholic with a good job. 3 kids.
Stupidly, due to various things, including her getting cancer, we never divorced.
Covid and WFH became drinking from home, Deliveroo supplying the booze so no staggering to Tesco's before they close.
The other directors wanted her out of their company due to the drinking so she lost her job but got a big payout. Around the same time she got a massive inheritance too.
No incentive to work, constant takeaways, zip car on semi permanent hire?? and many visits to horrendously expensive rehabs. Non of which worked.
In less than two years she has burned through nearly £400,000 whilst I struggled to pay my energy bills, work 6 days a week.
I'm 61, really didn't think my days would end like this.
So now she's out of money but somehow still drunk every day. One child has escaped but two still live with her despite me begging them to live with me.
I woke up yesterday to find that not only had she not paid into the Joint Account, she had cleaned it out. I've spoken to the bank who have put a freeze on withdrawals (I didn't know they could do that, if only) but there's only enough left to pay this month's mortgage and that's it.
I already pay half the mortgage and was paying money into the joint too, but have stopped that.
I rent a flat which takes up most of my take home so can't cover anymore.
I saw a divorce lawyer a few months back but she said that due to her condition, not only could she get half my meagre pension but I would have to pay her spousal maintenance??
Seems I'm fooked. My health is bad, physically and mentally and I'm now in a very dark place.
If anyone has any advice, please.
And I know some of you have followed my story over the years and I thank you for your kind words.
I'm thinking that anything I do to keep bills paid is just enabling her to carry on with her 'hobby'.
So I'm wondering if I just let it go. Bank takes house etc.
I no longer care about the equity, I just want out of this eternal nightmare.
I have no partner, no support, I feel so alone so please don't get stuck into what I should have done. I know too well.
Thanks guys.
Wow that is truly an awful situation to end up in, especially with you consistently doing the "right thing" throughout the years.
From my non expert eyes, what does letting the bank have the house mean for you, as an individual and your quality of life going forward (think about lifting the mental and physical burden the current situation has put on you). Can you avoid loosing half your pension if you went this route so at least have a future where perhaps you're not slogged to death working to make ends meet?
I assume the ex is not open to talking about a way of protecting the equity in the house as that would be the most preferrable and amicable way forward to provide quality of life for her and, in the future, the kids. From what I have read your actions show your door is always open to support which has been great but unfortunately people can be beyond help and will drag you down with them.
From my non expert eyes, what does letting the bank have the house mean for you, as an individual and your quality of life going forward (think about lifting the mental and physical burden the current situation has put on you). Can you avoid loosing half your pension if you went this route so at least have a future where perhaps you're not slogged to death working to make ends meet?
I assume the ex is not open to talking about a way of protecting the equity in the house as that would be the most preferrable and amicable way forward to provide quality of life for her and, in the future, the kids. From what I have read your actions show your door is always open to support which has been great but unfortunately people can be beyond help and will drag you down with them.
Thanks for replying. Unfortunately she is beyond talking to and/or being sensible.
Usual Alcoholic stuff about self pity and everything is everyone else's fault. Well mine as all her friends and family have had enough.
I had a workmate who walked away from massive equity in a house just to keep sane.
I'm at that point now.
Usual Alcoholic stuff about self pity and everything is everyone else's fault. Well mine as all her friends and family have had enough.
I had a workmate who walked away from massive equity in a house just to keep sane.
I'm at that point now.
I have to deal with an alcoholic mother which is bad enough, so dealing with a wife must be beyond horrendous.
It's tough but you do have to protect yourself and be proactive.
Get on the front foot and try and take control of the finances as much as you can. If you can't afford the house it needs to be sold. See if you can find a solicitor to go through your options. It could be possible to sell up divide the equity and get a clean break.
I'd also consider trying to speak to a counsellor, even if just to get some s
t off your chest. It's a fking awful thing to have to deal with.
It's tough but you do have to protect yourself and be proactive.
Get on the front foot and try and take control of the finances as much as you can. If you can't afford the house it needs to be sold. See if you can find a solicitor to go through your options. It could be possible to sell up divide the equity and get a clean break.
I'd also consider trying to speak to a counsellor, even if just to get some s
t off your chest. It's a fking awful thing to have to deal with.Let the house be repo'd and if there is any equity left it is likely to be shared between you.
Unfortunately most alcoholics cannot be helped.
Maybe she will die soon and you will get the equity and any pension etc as she may have not updated crucial documents.
It is sad to see and I lost some large inheritances due to alcoholism.
Unfortunately most alcoholics cannot be helped.
Maybe she will die soon and you will get the equity and any pension etc as she may have not updated crucial documents.
It is sad to see and I lost some large inheritances due to alcoholism.
Thanks all for replying. Writing that post has at least been cathartic.
I keep thinking how £400,000 would have set me up for life, crazy to think how it can be spent so quickly with nothing to show.
Shame I didn't coincide getting a divorce for the short spell that she had that money but I'm not a money grabbing bastid.
I keep thinking how £400,000 would have set me up for life, crazy to think how it can be spent so quickly with nothing to show.
Shame I didn't coincide getting a divorce for the short spell that she had that money but I'm not a money grabbing bastid.
I've seen this happen and it's very sad. If she's not going to get help for the alcoholism then unfortunately this is only going to go one way. Make plans to protect yourself and your kids now without coming across as you have given up on her. It's a fine line and you have my sympathy.
There is likely to be significant equity in the house is there not? If she can't be reasoned with and you don't want to spend the money on lawyers forcing the sale, jingle mail back your keys and tell the lender you will cooperate with them whilst they seek to recover the arrears and ultimately the house.
The more immediate problem you have is you are presumably jointly and severally liable for the arrears.
They will be coming after you, shortly. I'd get on the front foot now and work with them not against them.
The more immediate problem you have is you are presumably jointly and severally liable for the arrears.
They will be coming after you, shortly. I'd get on the front foot now and work with them not against them.
Awful situation, dealt with an alcoholic mother and drug addicted mother of my son (not married but still paid for everything until my son was 20 but she’s still causing havoc, suicide attempt a few months ago)
It’s awful, unfair, tough, frustrating, rage inducing you will feel it all.
My best advice is you are only a passenger and NONE of this is your fault.
Talk to someone I found therapy unbelievably helpful, I use betterhelp and it’s amazing how it helps.
I spent 20 years blaming myself and was bullied and only started therapy a year ago, I wouldn’t have thought about it but I was carrying a dreadful burden.
Doing this in between meetings on my phone so may not make much sense but you’re not alone!
Keep the chin up.
It’s awful, unfair, tough, frustrating, rage inducing you will feel it all.
My best advice is you are only a passenger and NONE of this is your fault.
Talk to someone I found therapy unbelievably helpful, I use betterhelp and it’s amazing how it helps.
I spent 20 years blaming myself and was bullied and only started therapy a year ago, I wouldn’t have thought about it but I was carrying a dreadful burden.
Doing this in between meetings on my phone so may not make much sense but you’re not alone!
Keep the chin up.
Still having a house together I can just about understand due to the children but a joint bank account?! I'd be closing that down immediately (which you can do unless it's been specifically set up to be operated by joint signature only), and set one up in your own name.
croyde said:
I'm 61, really didn't think my days would end like this.
I know things seem bleak at the moment but you're still young enough to have decades of happy times ahead. You just need to make some difficult and strong decisions to get there. You need to start divorce proceedings. NOW.
Talk to the lender about moving to interest only.
Talk to lawyer about preventing her from remortgaging and taking equity from house.
How old are the kids? I assume at least 14, as you split in 2009. if not grown up.
If under 16 you need to apply for custody, and hope that comes with the house.
If over 16? Then they can choose to live with you when you force a sale of the house.
You need to talk to all your kids,explain before hand what you want to do. Get them on side.
When the house is sold, or when you've got custody of the kids and she's moved out, and you've bought her share out, she is free to piss up her share and die alone in a damp bedsit if that's her choice.
Friend of my wife's, spent all their money, all her inheritance, all his redundancy on a gambling habit.
She caught him having what turned out to multiple women on the side.
Eventually she managed to divorce him, retained the house only because her brother has bought his share out and acted as guarantor.
Three years on, she's working 2 jobs, and he's living rent free with a new partner. His mum has just died, and he will eventually get a half share of her estate. Which I imagine is worth £400k to him.
I'm guessing that he'll spend it within a few years.
Talk to the lender about moving to interest only.
Talk to lawyer about preventing her from remortgaging and taking equity from house.
How old are the kids? I assume at least 14, as you split in 2009. if not grown up.
If under 16 you need to apply for custody, and hope that comes with the house.
If over 16? Then they can choose to live with you when you force a sale of the house.
You need to talk to all your kids,explain before hand what you want to do. Get them on side.
When the house is sold, or when you've got custody of the kids and she's moved out, and you've bought her share out, she is free to piss up her share and die alone in a damp bedsit if that's her choice.
Friend of my wife's, spent all their money, all her inheritance, all his redundancy on a gambling habit.
She caught him having what turned out to multiple women on the side.
Eventually she managed to divorce him, retained the house only because her brother has bought his share out and acted as guarantor.
Three years on, she's working 2 jobs, and he's living rent free with a new partner. His mum has just died, and he will eventually get a half share of her estate. Which I imagine is worth £400k to him.
I'm guessing that he'll spend it within a few years.
Jordie Barretts sock said:
Croyde mate, every few months you post up very similar threads. Every the me you get the same advice:
Stop being a doormat, stop enabling her and get out.
If you don't take the advice, stop whining about your situation. Harsh, but come on, you know what the answer is.
Croyde, I've followed your story for a while now, and genuinely feel sorry for your position.Stop being a doormat, stop enabling her and get out.
If you don't take the advice, stop whining about your situation. Harsh, but come on, you know what the answer is.
I rarely post (in comparison to some), but I suggest you take on board the above.
I would suggest taking on professional help quickly to work out the options. As others have said, I wonder if you could get the bank to take the house back, split any remaining capital and then walk away? I've no idea of how this would work in reality though, hence needing to speak to a professional. Probably worth speaking to the mortgage provider now as well, to explain the situation.
croyde said:
and household bills.
We split in 2009, her idea. Pretty amicable, her decision, she was a functional alcoholic with a good job. 3 kids.
Stupidly, due to various things, including her getting cancer, we never divorced.
Covid and WFH became drinking from home, Deliveroo supplying the booze so no staggering to Tesco's before they close.
The other directors wanted her out of their company due to the drinking so she lost her job but got a big payout. Around the same time she got a massive inheritance too.
No incentive to work, constant takeaways, zip car on semi permanent hire?? and many visits to horrendously expensive rehabs. Non of which worked.
In less than two years she has burned through nearly £400,000 whilst I struggled to pay my energy bills, work 6 days a week.
I'm 61, really didn't think my days would end like this.
So now she's out of money but somehow still drunk every day. One child has escaped but two still live with her despite me begging them to live with me.
I woke up yesterday to find that not only had she not paid into the Joint Account, she had cleaned it out. I've spoken to the bank who have put a freeze on withdrawals (I didn't know they could do that, if only) but there's only enough left to pay this month's mortgage and that's it.
I already pay half the mortgage and was paying money into the joint too, but have stopped that.
I rent a flat which takes up most of my take home so can't cover anymore.
I saw a divorce lawyer a few months back but she said that due to her condition, not only could she get half my meagre pension but I would have to pay her spousal maintenance??
Seems I'm fooked. My health is bad, physically and mentally and I'm now in a very dark place.
If anyone has any advice, please.
And I know some of you have followed my story over the years and I thank you for your kind words.
I'm thinking that anything I do to keep bills paid is just enabling her to carry on with her 'hobby'.
So I'm wondering if I just let it go. Bank takes house etc.
I no longer care about the equity, I just want out of this eternal nightmare.
I have no partner, no support, I feel so alone so please don't get stuck into what I should have done. I know too well.
Thanks guys.
How old are your children?We split in 2009, her idea. Pretty amicable, her decision, she was a functional alcoholic with a good job. 3 kids.
Stupidly, due to various things, including her getting cancer, we never divorced.
Covid and WFH became drinking from home, Deliveroo supplying the booze so no staggering to Tesco's before they close.
The other directors wanted her out of their company due to the drinking so she lost her job but got a big payout. Around the same time she got a massive inheritance too.
No incentive to work, constant takeaways, zip car on semi permanent hire?? and many visits to horrendously expensive rehabs. Non of which worked.
In less than two years she has burned through nearly £400,000 whilst I struggled to pay my energy bills, work 6 days a week.
I'm 61, really didn't think my days would end like this.
So now she's out of money but somehow still drunk every day. One child has escaped but two still live with her despite me begging them to live with me.
I woke up yesterday to find that not only had she not paid into the Joint Account, she had cleaned it out. I've spoken to the bank who have put a freeze on withdrawals (I didn't know they could do that, if only) but there's only enough left to pay this month's mortgage and that's it.
I already pay half the mortgage and was paying money into the joint too, but have stopped that.
I rent a flat which takes up most of my take home so can't cover anymore.
I saw a divorce lawyer a few months back but she said that due to her condition, not only could she get half my meagre pension but I would have to pay her spousal maintenance??
Seems I'm fooked. My health is bad, physically and mentally and I'm now in a very dark place.
If anyone has any advice, please.
And I know some of you have followed my story over the years and I thank you for your kind words.
I'm thinking that anything I do to keep bills paid is just enabling her to carry on with her 'hobby'.
So I'm wondering if I just let it go. Bank takes house etc.
I no longer care about the equity, I just want out of this eternal nightmare.
I have no partner, no support, I feel so alone so please don't get stuck into what I should have done. I know too well.
Thanks guys.
I can't see why you would need to pay spousal support if you are struggling to support yourself and provide for your children. Would recommend alternate legal advice.
What outcome do you want in general? If you want some money out of the house, start divorce proceedings immediately and do whatever you can to keep up payments on said house.
If you are not willing or can't afford to do that, then start divorce proceedings immediately and just sign it all over to her.
Why do you still have a joint account? Terminate that immediately. You're seperated, you want no part of anything joint with her because when she really runs out of money and is desperate, she'll be signing up for loans, credit, etc in your name.
In fact, do a credit check on yourself immediately to ensure that hasn't happened already.
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