Have i got my families priorities right?
Discussion
I'll keep this as brief as possible as its easy to ramble 
we have a 3yr old and 8yr old daughter.
We are due to move soon. one of the reasons we want to move is our local town really has gone downhill in recent years, schools are over run, secondary school is allegedly terrible. Several thousand more new houses are also due to be built within the next few years (this may not have effect as our kids will probably be gone by then).
About 2 years ago our parents offered to help pay towards sending the older daughter to private school.
It is excellent, all going well, the biggest difference is the people, instead of mums turning up arguing at the gates and blocking peoples drives with their cars we have families like us - nice decent people who are trying to do their best for their kids.
Next year our 3yr old will start.
The parents cant help with her, so we have to pay around £1500 a month for the school in total.
Now right now. today thats ok, bit of a stretch with the new mortgage we are getting but still doable (we are lucky that my wife is a good earner).
However.
This new house is in a significantly nicer area. One of the reasons we want to live here is because if our daughters don't pass their 11+ and dont go to a grammar school there are actually several decent secondary schools within a 10 minute drive that we would be in the catchment for.
So we are sort of pre prepping as we really don't want her going to the local school she would likely end up at if we don't move.
Out of interest looking at rightmove i came across the local primary schools. The closest one is in a very very nice area, is ofsted good but not outstanding, it is small and looks pretty good.
Now the question is are we total a
holes for taking our 8yr old out of not 1 but 2 primary schools in order to make our lives more financially comfortable?
Im worried that no matter what happens if she or both don't get into grammar school then are they going to end up as the posh little sts from the posh school and end up getting grief for it?
moving them while still at primary avoids that.
That money amounts to around 18k a year we would not be paying out. We could go on more holidays, overpay the mortgage and much more. Whatever happens i would feel much much more comfortable without that strap around us.
I feel that we are moving house to get a better quality of living but also it is of a much higher value with a much higher ceiling than ours ever will be. I feel by buying it then when we are gone our kids will inherit a significant sum, something that neither myself or wife have had. I want them to benefit from our decisions later in life.
So
Thoughts?
edited to add theres no chance of them going private secondary, way way too much money and unless some drastic change happens we cant afford it.
I also am concerned if one passes 11+ and the other doesnt. could get messy if they are both at different schools.
we have a 3yr old and 8yr old daughter.
We are due to move soon. one of the reasons we want to move is our local town really has gone downhill in recent years, schools are over run, secondary school is allegedly terrible. Several thousand more new houses are also due to be built within the next few years (this may not have effect as our kids will probably be gone by then).
About 2 years ago our parents offered to help pay towards sending the older daughter to private school.
It is excellent, all going well, the biggest difference is the people, instead of mums turning up arguing at the gates and blocking peoples drives with their cars we have families like us - nice decent people who are trying to do their best for their kids.
Next year our 3yr old will start.
The parents cant help with her, so we have to pay around £1500 a month for the school in total.
Now right now. today thats ok, bit of a stretch with the new mortgage we are getting but still doable (we are lucky that my wife is a good earner).
However.
This new house is in a significantly nicer area. One of the reasons we want to live here is because if our daughters don't pass their 11+ and dont go to a grammar school there are actually several decent secondary schools within a 10 minute drive that we would be in the catchment for.
So we are sort of pre prepping as we really don't want her going to the local school she would likely end up at if we don't move.
Out of interest looking at rightmove i came across the local primary schools. The closest one is in a very very nice area, is ofsted good but not outstanding, it is small and looks pretty good.
Now the question is are we total a
holes for taking our 8yr old out of not 1 but 2 primary schools in order to make our lives more financially comfortable?Im worried that no matter what happens if she or both don't get into grammar school then are they going to end up as the posh little s
ts from the posh school and end up getting grief for it? moving them while still at primary avoids that.
That money amounts to around 18k a year we would not be paying out. We could go on more holidays, overpay the mortgage and much more. Whatever happens i would feel much much more comfortable without that strap around us.
I feel that we are moving house to get a better quality of living but also it is of a much higher value with a much higher ceiling than ours ever will be. I feel by buying it then when we are gone our kids will inherit a significant sum, something that neither myself or wife have had. I want them to benefit from our decisions later in life.
So
Thoughts?
edited to add theres no chance of them going private secondary, way way too much money and unless some drastic change happens we cant afford it.
I also am concerned if one passes 11+ and the other doesnt. could get messy if they are both at different schools.
Edited by m3jappa on Sunday 5th November 12:47
Both of mine, boy and girl went to private school. The lad all the way to sixth form (yr13) and was actually head boy. Wish we'd taken him out prior to sixth form though as the standard of teaching went way downhill. That's another story...
Daughter was in private from primary then year 7. During year 7 she was bullied, small group of girls, she was the quietest so the others started to pick on her. School were less than interested in helping sort it out. In the end SHE asked to move schools, which we did for the start of year 8. She's thrived there and now has a nice group of friends. It was awkward for her at first as most of the kids had already made friend groups during yr 7, but it's worked out ok.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, private school is great for some, but not the be all and end all. It's all about the child being happy where they are and in themselves. My daughter still has fallout from being bullied and being in (or not) school during covid. But she's done better than my lad in GCSE's and has been predicted all 'A's in her A levels.
Only you know, speak with you kids, ask them what they want to do? But, be prepared for some fallout from the decisions you make. There may be short term pain for long term gain.
Daughter was in private from primary then year 7. During year 7 she was bullied, small group of girls, she was the quietest so the others started to pick on her. School were less than interested in helping sort it out. In the end SHE asked to move schools, which we did for the start of year 8. She's thrived there and now has a nice group of friends. It was awkward for her at first as most of the kids had already made friend groups during yr 7, but it's worked out ok.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, private school is great for some, but not the be all and end all. It's all about the child being happy where they are and in themselves. My daughter still has fallout from being bullied and being in (or not) school during covid. But she's done better than my lad in GCSE's and has been predicted all 'A's in her A levels.
Only you know, speak with you kids, ask them what they want to do? But, be prepared for some fallout from the decisions you make. There may be short term pain for long term gain.
I should have also added and will add above that theres zero chance of them going private secondary. The costs are frankly insane and we just wont be able to afford that.
So the desired outcome is they pass the 11+
Which could get messy if one does and the other doesnt.
Parenting ain't easy eh
So the desired outcome is they pass the 11+
Which could get messy if one does and the other doesnt.
Parenting ain't easy eh
stuthe said:
said: IMO Education >> a few 100k inheritance when you're 50.
Education and the friends you make and the outlook on life you get gives you more opportunity than conserving wealth for a point of time long in the future.
Use this information as you will.
I do and don't agree. Education and the friends you make and the outlook on life you get gives you more opportunity than conserving wealth for a point of time long in the future.
Use this information as you will.
The reason for that is i actually went to the same private school. I totally threw away my whole education though, choosing to mess around. i ended up at the local secondary state school (same one as we dont want her to go to) and i was a right little f
ker. I ended up as a labourer.
Although perhaps the upbringing and morals taught have made me go from labourer to working for myself, employing others and ultimately doing pretty well for someone with zero qualifications. I feel that the initial schooling made me see things i otherwise wouldn't.
Inherting several hundred thousand at my stage of life now could mean my kids now could go private and then secondary private........id be very very well off.
There is no right or wrong.
Parenting is bloody hard work.
We decided eventually to stay in the state system and then invest in a range of 1:1 tuition for both daughters (eldest has dyslexia). We are lucky in that all 3 of the potential secondary schools are good or outstanding, but there is more to secondary than Ofsted (where often you have to read between the lines a lot). Ethos, out of school clubs, etc are also considerations.
We think focused 1:1 coaching and tuition will be more beneficial than the smaller class sizes, etc of private.
Also with private there can be (depending on the school):
1) A lot of focus on which university they get into as a metric, rather than helping the child be the best they can be. With some I can;t imagine the reaction if the child wanted to do a vocational focus at 16...
2) Bullying between the "haves and have nots" - latest Range Rover, who skis in Chamonix, etc
3) Very expensive school trips (3 weeks in Chile, etc)
Now I am stereotyping a bit, but having looked at the local private schools these seem to ring true.
We will consider day boarding or even half boarding for sixth form.
Edit - sorry I missed that you were only talking about prep school but I think my logic remains. The progress my daughter made under lockdown and since with a private tutor has been remarkable. Don't underestimate highly tailored learning aligned to the curriculum. My daughter comes home from school and then can't wait to talk to her tutor, who has adapted all kinds of challenges around my daughter's interests (maths with Pokemon, storytelling around her love of TinTin, etc. Pay about £30/hr.
Parenting is bloody hard work.
We decided eventually to stay in the state system and then invest in a range of 1:1 tuition for both daughters (eldest has dyslexia). We are lucky in that all 3 of the potential secondary schools are good or outstanding, but there is more to secondary than Ofsted (where often you have to read between the lines a lot). Ethos, out of school clubs, etc are also considerations.
We think focused 1:1 coaching and tuition will be more beneficial than the smaller class sizes, etc of private.
Also with private there can be (depending on the school):
1) A lot of focus on which university they get into as a metric, rather than helping the child be the best they can be. With some I can;t imagine the reaction if the child wanted to do a vocational focus at 16...
2) Bullying between the "haves and have nots" - latest Range Rover, who skis in Chamonix, etc
3) Very expensive school trips (3 weeks in Chile, etc)
Now I am stereotyping a bit, but having looked at the local private schools these seem to ring true.
We will consider day boarding or even half boarding for sixth form.
Edit - sorry I missed that you were only talking about prep school but I think my logic remains. The progress my daughter made under lockdown and since with a private tutor has been remarkable. Don't underestimate highly tailored learning aligned to the curriculum. My daughter comes home from school and then can't wait to talk to her tutor, who has adapted all kinds of challenges around my daughter's interests (maths with Pokemon, storytelling around her love of TinTin, etc. Pay about £30/hr.
Edited by vaud on Sunday 5th November 13:04
m3jappa said:
we have a 3yr old and 8yr old daughter.
...
About 2 years ago our parents offered to help pay towards sending the older daughter to private school.
...
Next year our 3yr old will start.
...
The parents cant help with her
Did they (or you) not think about that two years ago when they offered to pay for the eldest?...
About 2 years ago our parents offered to help pay towards sending the older daughter to private school.
...
Next year our 3yr old will start.
...
The parents cant help with her
EmailAddress said:
Moving Primary school is only a life experience and if anything, probably improves social skills.
Moving Secondary could be a lot more disruptive.
I'd look for continuity and stability of lifestyle during puberty over anything else.
This. I went to four primary schools and two secondary schools. It was the secondary move that really fMoving Secondary could be a lot more disruptive.
I'd look for continuity and stability of lifestyle during puberty over anything else.
ked up my education, my social life, my sports ambitions etc.Riley Blue said:
This. I went to four primary schools and two secondary schools. It was the secondary move that really fked up my education, my social life, my sports ambitions etc.
Agree. My parents took me out of last year of middle school (8-12) and dropped me into the local secondary part way into the first year (11+) where I knew nobody in a 4 form entry.ked up my education, my social life, my sports ambitions etc.For a shy, non-sporty child who was an easy target for bullies (compounded that I had a "posh" accent in a very Yorkshire town) it f*cked me up as well.
Am being very careful with secondary applications to ensure that my daughter will at least know some people in her year as a transition, but I think schools are generally better on this topic these days.
Isn’t what you’re suggesting very very common?
I mean half of vaguely affluent London ps off to Bucks/Kent for this very reason?
My son starts at a private school next year, reception, I won’t hesitate to move him out when/if I get sick of London. I’d try and aim it for at least one of the common intakes at other private schools but it isn’t of huge concern, kids seem to be adaptable at that sort of age. I suppose the difference is that I will pay for his secondary education too most likely but haven’t ruled out a grammar. I refuse to pay catchment premiums because it usually costs more than private school would for the duration. (For one kid).
I mean half of vaguely affluent London p
s off to Bucks/Kent for this very reason? My son starts at a private school next year, reception, I won’t hesitate to move him out when/if I get sick of London. I’d try and aim it for at least one of the common intakes at other private schools but it isn’t of huge concern, kids seem to be adaptable at that sort of age. I suppose the difference is that I will pay for his secondary education too most likely but haven’t ruled out a grammar. I refuse to pay catchment premiums because it usually costs more than private school would for the duration. (For one kid).
A lot of people go down the private school route to help kids prepare for their 11+ but there are other options like tuition which is also great.
Kids will only become posh entitled tts if you let them. Some schools are very good at doing community work to give the kids balance….my kids both go to private schools but the kids are well adjusted (it is what sold the schools to us) and the parents all seem pretty down to earth too (massively important…check the car park). During lockdown my son’s school couldn’t do the normal community work they do so they bought some books and shipped them to schools in Africa, the boys did guided reading over Zoom with the African kids.
There are other things private schools provide like lots of sport etc which both my kids thrived on….makes the school day a lot more enjoyable when you spend part of every day doing sport.
Up to you OP what you think are the right priorities….it’s about what is right for your kids. They may well do better in local state schools, lots of kids do.
Kids will only become posh entitled t
ts if you let them. Some schools are very good at doing community work to give the kids balance….my kids both go to private schools but the kids are well adjusted (it is what sold the schools to us) and the parents all seem pretty down to earth too (massively important…check the car park). During lockdown my son’s school couldn’t do the normal community work they do so they bought some books and shipped them to schools in Africa, the boys did guided reading over Zoom with the African kids.There are other things private schools provide like lots of sport etc which both my kids thrived on….makes the school day a lot more enjoyable when you spend part of every day doing sport.
Up to you OP what you think are the right priorities….it’s about what is right for your kids. They may well do better in local state schools, lots of kids do.
In the same situation so interested on opinions, it’s a shedload of cash each month and if Kier gets in then I can easily see fees going up by 15% from 2025
Also, will your daughters have different start/end day times? That totally screws up one or both of you working unless you go with breakfast/after school clubs which aren’t ideal either.
Also, will your daughters have different start/end day times? That totally screws up one or both of you working unless you go with breakfast/after school clubs which aren’t ideal either.
Edited by essayer on Sunday 5th November 13:35
essayer said:
In the same situation so interested on opinions, it’s a shedload of cash each month and if Kier gets in then I can easily see fees going up by 15% from 2025
Also, will your daughters have different start/end day times? That totally screws up one or both of you working unless you go with breakfast/after school clubs which aren’t ideal either.
Also different school holiday dates can be a bind. Also, will your daughters have different start/end day times? That totally screws up one or both of you working unless you go with breakfast/after school clubs which aren’t ideal either.
Edited by essayer on Sunday 5th November 13:35
Two good mates of mine. One went to private school, dicked about and works on minimum wage. The other went to the same school as me, worked his backside off and is worth a few million. Extreme ends of the scale I know, but it’s more about the person and the support they have at home I reckon. Me, I dicked about a little too much and missed a few opportunities when younger. I’m bright enough to be doing okay now though, although I do sometimes regret my younger self.
As for the youngster. We moved from a tired inner city area to a better village setting not far from Newcastle. I did that having grown up in east Manchester, I know that it would be very easy to be pulled in a less favourable direction, so by moving I felt it gave her a good start in her school life and social skills.
School wise, she’s in a very good state primary, which should set her up for the local secondary, which whilst not the very best, does turn some good kids out of it.
It’s so different for everyone family though, and like said above, very difficult to make the choices sometimes.
As for the youngster. We moved from a tired inner city area to a better village setting not far from Newcastle. I did that having grown up in east Manchester, I know that it would be very easy to be pulled in a less favourable direction, so by moving I felt it gave her a good start in her school life and social skills.
School wise, she’s in a very good state primary, which should set her up for the local secondary, which whilst not the very best, does turn some good kids out of it.
It’s so different for everyone family though, and like said above, very difficult to make the choices sometimes.
m3jappa said:
I should have also added and will add above that theres zero chance of them going private secondary. The costs are frankly insane and we just wont be able to afford that.
So the desired outcome is they pass the 11+
Which could get messy if one does and the other doesnt.
Parenting ain't easy eh
3 brothers, we all went to different schools, mine selective. Both my brothers have had significantly better careers than me.So the desired outcome is they pass the 11+
Which could get messy if one does and the other doesnt.
Parenting ain't easy eh
I don't recall any resentment.
School fees increase at or above the rate of inflation.
Even more so if someone were to chuck VAT on top.
The house will go up in value and the mortgage relative to your income will trend down.
Only you know what you really want but the financial outlook is undeniable.
Kids take changing primary in their stride.
As said above, secondary not so much.
In these situations I always imagine if one option was barred. How would I feel. The option that having it removed gives you the most emotional response is the one you go for.
Good luck.
Even more so if someone were to chuck VAT on top.
The house will go up in value and the mortgage relative to your income will trend down.
Only you know what you really want but the financial outlook is undeniable.
Kids take changing primary in their stride.
As said above, secondary not so much.
In these situations I always imagine if one option was barred. How would I feel. The option that having it removed gives you the most emotional response is the one you go for.
Good luck.
Thanks so much for the replies, it means a lot to read peoples comments.
Only last night we were talking about the increase in fees with some other parents from the school which is almost inevitable.
I think that will cause a lot of trouble for a lot of people. The school she goes to now is by no means full of rich people. Id say comfortable people but not rich at all. These two last night were very concerned, especially as one of them has 3 kids there!
Whatever happens both daughters will go to the same primary school.
When i look back i can also realise:
I went to private technically didn't do well at all. my wife didn't go private, she passed her 11+ went to one of the best schools in the south east but totally hated it and ended up in the local comp.
She did go on though to basically get her job because her boss saw on her cv that she went to this mega school!
Im not in touch with many of the kids from my private primary school but i do know a fair few went on to be total losers. Some went on to have mega success so it was varied.
Only last night we were talking about the increase in fees with some other parents from the school which is almost inevitable.
I think that will cause a lot of trouble for a lot of people. The school she goes to now is by no means full of rich people. Id say comfortable people but not rich at all. These two last night were very concerned, especially as one of them has 3 kids there!
Whatever happens both daughters will go to the same primary school.
When i look back i can also realise:
I went to private technically didn't do well at all. my wife didn't go private, she passed her 11+ went to one of the best schools in the south east but totally hated it and ended up in the local comp.
She did go on though to basically get her job because her boss saw on her cv that she went to this mega school!
Im not in touch with many of the kids from my private primary school but i do know a fair few went on to be total losers. Some went on to have mega success so it was varied.
Stick Legs said:
School fees increase at or above the rate of inflation.
Even more so if someone were to chuck VAT on top.
The house will go up in value and the mortgage relative to your income will trend down.
Only you know what you really want but the financial outlook is undeniable.
Kids take changing primary in their stride.
As said above, secondary not so much.
In these situations I always imagine if one option was barred. How would I feel. The option that having it removed gives you the most emotional response is the one you go for.
Good luck.
That really does sound right. The fees thing is an issue when kiery baby gets in.....and its not just that but where else will he be taking from people like us Even more so if someone were to chuck VAT on top.
The house will go up in value and the mortgage relative to your income will trend down.
Only you know what you really want but the financial outlook is undeniable.
Kids take changing primary in their stride.
As said above, secondary not so much.
In these situations I always imagine if one option was barred. How would I feel. The option that having it removed gives you the most emotional response is the one you go for.
Good luck.
The house is a no brainer, its more money but we can actually afford the increase in mortgage just by getting rid of our family car which is on finance and sharpening up some of the other monthly outgoings.
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